My milkshake brings all the crack to the yard.

Title: Weaponry
Author: desolate butterfly
Genre: crack, humour
Pairings: NaruSasu, NaruSasuSaku
Rating: PG 13 for innuendo
Summary: Kakashi overhears a conversation he would rather not have.

Good things usually happened when Kakashi pretended to be asleep.

For example, the time assignments were being passed around for escort duty to Suna in the summer, Kakashi conveniently faked snored his way out of five gruelling days of sweaty, smelly, sunburnt shinobi transport.

And the time Gai challenged him to a footrace. Kakashi could run, he just preferred not to.

He didn't really expect anything to come of it when he faked sleep during late afternoon training though. He'd tried earlier with his team, and had only come away with some boring gossip about Ino and her new boyfriend—although Kakashi would have to remember that for later, because he was pretty sure Inoshi would want to check into the rumour that the poor shmuck who had taken a shine to Ino this month had been spotted buying condoms with all the ineffective stealth one could expect from a teenager—and Naruto trying to rifle through his pack before the booby traps deterred him.

But just as Kakashi was about to swap fake sleep for some real shut-eye, the inaudible squabbling from Sasuke and Naruto where they sat a few yards away suddenly became incredibly audible.

"Hey, hey Sasuke!" The boy's voice was gratingly loud. You couldn't even properly call this eavesdropping, really. "I heard you have a big one!"

Kakashi stopped fake snoring immediately and went very still.

"Who told you that, dobe?"

"TenTen. She said you showed it to her and Neji was really jealous. Is it true?"

"That I showed it to TenTen?"

"No, that it's big!"

"Hn. I guess it's longer then the average size."

"Let me see!"


Kakashi resisted the urge to open his eyes. They couldn't really be talking about what it sounded like…could they? And since when had Sasuke and TenTen…Kakashi was going to have to have a talk with Gai about his precocious team members corrupting his asexual frigid students. And by "students" he meant "Sasuke."

There was a huffed sigh and then Naruto started up again.

"Aw, come on bastard, I showed you mine. Just take it out a little bit. I want to see!"

"If I show you, will you leave me alone?"



A cool sweat broke out on the back of Kakashi's neck as rustling sounds were heard, and the snap of fastenings being undone. Okay, this was a normal boy thing. He remembered a few measuring sessions in the ANBU locker room when he was fifteen with Genma (that would never be talked about again), so this was nothing to worry about.

Still, it was a public place. Kakashi didn't think Sasuke would be so indiscreet as to whip it out in the middle of the training grounds but maybe all that time spent around Orochimaru had perverted him somehow. God knows Jiraiya hadn't been the same after the snakey bastard got his hands on him…

"Wow…that is big." Kakashi could hear the frown in Naruto voice. "How did you get such a big one when I only got this dinky little thing?"

"Because mine is special, usuratonkachi."

"Fuck your 'special'. I bet I can use mine better than you can use yours."

"Like hell."

There was a long silence and Kakashi had just managed to convince himself that he had been dreaming the whole conversation when Naruto spoke up again.

"Hey, hey Sasuke…can I touch it?"

A choked noise forced its way out of Kakashi's throat and he quickly converted it to a snore.

"What? No."

"Why not?"

"Because you'd damage it that's why!"

"I wouldn't! I'd just swish it around a bit, really!"

"NO. That's it; I'm covering it back up."

Kakashi heard something that suspiciously heard like a raspberry and Naruto muttering "stingy" before rustling noises indicated that Sasuke had put his uh…toy away.

"I'm going to go talk to ero-sennin," Naruto pledged. "Maybe he knows where I can get one bigger than yours."

"It won't help. Mine's the biggest."

"Actually," Kakashi twitched as he heard the voice of his third student join the group. Something plunked on the ground with a dull thud. "Mine's the biggest."

There was an awed silence and Kakashi nearly bit through his lip trying not to scream. They were doing it on purpose. They had to be.

"Woooooow, Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried. "Where were you keeping that?"

"Girls aren't supposed to have those," was Sasuke's sulky contribution, but he was cut off by a warning growl from his female team mate.

"Anyway," she said, far too brightly, "want to try them out? We could have a three-way right here, Shikamaru's team doesn't need to use the field until three. I asked."

'I'm not going to look. I'm not going to look. I'm going to DIE but I'm not going to look.'

"Do you think we should ask Kakashi-sensei to join us? He probably needs the exercise."

"Alright," Kakashi groaned, sitting up aburptly. "That's enough. We're going to have a little talk about decency and then I'm going to take Sakura straight to the doctor because this is just—uh?"

Kakashi blinked at his fully clothed students who were seated around a small weapons cache. Naruto's dagger glinted in the sunlight, while Sasuke's sword sat safely in its scabbard where he cradled it in his lap. Most prominent of all, however, was the huge battle axe that was sunk part-way into the ground, a scrap of pink ribbon on the handle identifying its owner.

"Oh, you're awake," Sakura said, giving him a sweet smile. "Would you like to spar with us, Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi cleared his throat and scratched at the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Actually," he said, "I'm going to go challenge Gai to a race. I have a sudden urge to run. You kids enjoy yourselves, though."

As he walked away, Kakashi heard a few muffled giggles and a "serves him right" from Sakura, which only confirmed his suspicions.

There would be extra laps tomorrow. Oh yes, Kakashi would teach his students the value of his new favourite hobby. Maybe he would even invite Gai over to supervise.

It would serve them right.