This Looks Like a Job For….
by Darth Stitch
DISCLAIMER: Big Blue and the rest of the Metropolis crew belong to DC comics, the gods Siegel and Schuster all the high and mighty Powers That Be. Same with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy – which is a show that belongs to Bravo Productions. Just borrowing them for fun.
There is a story called "Queer Eye" by Corinne which has a similar idea but is most definitely slash and is set in the Smallville universe. And yes, I've written to the author of this particular fic to assure her that I'm not copying off her story. Any similarities between our stories is purely unintended and coincidental.
Warnings/Notes: Again, huge spoilers for Superman Returns. This is set ENTIRELY in that universe and I'm ignoring all the rest of the Superman canon, from the comics and including Smallville, mmmkay?
This story is not exactly a part of the Little Things arc, being a shot at a humor/crackfic, but I'll probably use some elements from the series. Consider this a break from the angst, put tongue firmly in cheek and leave canon at the door. Hehe.
Yes, this IS a crossover with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! What? The Fab Five are in Manila – I'm inspired! (does the happy dance)
As Superman, Clark Kent had faced down monstrous creatures, foiled the plans of maniacal deranged geniuses, raised the wrecks of sinking ships, caught falling airplanes out of the sky and managed all the rest of the things that went on in the life of a superhero.
He just wasn't sure he was ready to face the Fab Five.
"The Fab what, Mr. White?" Clark had squeaked out when his editor Perry White dropped that particular bombshell on him.
"The Fab Five," Jimmy Olsen offered helpfully. "They're from that show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.' Five gay men come in and give one straight man a total makeover – clothes, hair, the works. They'll even fix up your apartment for you, Mr. Kent."
"They're going to air their visit with you as an episode on their show and I want you to do a piece on that, Kent. Something light and funny, give yourself a break from all the tough stories you and Lois have been covering," Perry barked.
"Why me?" Clark asked plaintively, wanting to crawl under his desk and hide now. It wasn't a question that he tended to ask very often, being as he wasn't inclined to whine. And it wasn't as if he could actually fit under the desk but the notion looked very appealing at the moment. Still, he had certain… er… "super" concerns about having a TV crew and five strangers in his apartment going over all his things.
"Aw, come on, Smallville," Lois Lane teased, coming over to his desk and giving him an appreciative appraising look from head to toe. That definitely made Clark blush, which made his fellow reporter's smirk grow bigger. "I'm sure you could really do with a makeover."
"But I'm perfectly happy the way I am!" Clark said defensively.
At that, Lois' expression softened and she patted him gently on the arm, which wasn't doing Clark's heart rate any favors. "Oh, Clark, we like you just fine. But you know, you could take this as a chance to show something more of yourself. Surprise us. What do you say?"
Clark bit down on the words If you only knew and found himself nodding weakly. He and Lois had grown closer in the months after she and Richard had finally broken up. Obviously, things hadn't been easy on her and Clark had to admit to himself that there was a selfish part of him that wanted Richard gone, even if the latter had been a good, decent man. Still, Clark had been too honorable to even think about making any sort of romantic advance, much less how to sort out the mess that was himself, his alter ego, Lois and their son. So he'd done the best thing, what he felt was the right thing – been a supportive friend to her and to Jason, who missed the man he knew as "Daddy" terribly.
"Well, Kent?" Perry asked.
"Uh. Sure. That would be swell, Chief," Clark answered sheepishly.
His assent did win him a beaming smile from Lois and a "That's the spirit, Smallville!"
Oh Lord. Clark was feeling the Cold Chills of Dread and Doom at the prospect and then he looked down as he felt a tug on his jacket.
Little Jason looked up at him with wide, curious bright blue eyes. "What's queer, Mister Clark?"
Yep. Cold Chills of Dread and Doom indeed.
Thankfully, Lois took over having to explain to a five year old what alternate lifestyles were ("Jason, honey, do you remember Arthur who has two daddies…?"), not that Clark had anything against that – he could never abide bigotry in any form. He figured ruefully that getting floored and flustered by a smart five year old's questions must be part of parenthood, even if that wasn't officially part of his job description, no matter how much he wanted it to be. He took a deep breath and sternly reminded himself, one step at a time. Even a superhero couldn't solve all his own personal problems in one single day.
Clark had immediately taken the time to make sure his newly-acquired and rather modest apartment didn't have any "incriminating" evidence (like a certain superhero costume) that could be found by the time the production crew of the "Queer Eye" show came in to set things up. And then, the show's director had taken one look at him and then purred, "Oh, you'll do just fine…"
Clark wasn't sure what he was supposed to think about that.
And then, faster than a speeding bullet, the Fab Five showed up at his doorstep and was in his home.
"OH MY GAWD!" Thom exclaimed, looking around with undisguised awe. "A straight guy who actually knows how to keep his place CLEAN!" And then, in an undertone that Clark could obviously pick up even without super hearing: "Even if the place is a little boring…"
"Hey, check this out! He's got a well-stocked fridge AND kitchen!" Ted chimed in, having opened the fridge door and taking delighted inventory of everything inside. "Betcha like to cook, right, Clark?"
"Um. Yeah," Clark said sheepishly. "Mom taught me how."
"Oh, that's so sweet," Jai said, with a friendly grin. "Any favorites from Mom's kitchen?"
"Well, she taught me how to cook the best spaghetti and meatballs in the world…"
"Ah! Mom's spaghetti and meatballs," Ted said dramatically, with a little sniff, putting his hands together and raising his eyes to the ceiling.
"You have fantastic skin tone, bro," Kyan said admiringly. "Use a lot of product?"
"Not really," Clark hedged. "Er… I just like being out in the sun a lot. Fresh air and sunshine and all that." Yeah. Really. Going about thousands of miles up in the sky, floating above the clouds, soaking up the sun's rays definitely worked for Clark.
Kyan whistled. "Clean and healthy living, right, bro? I think we'd better set you up with some sunblock though…"
"OH MY GOD, he's a live anatomically correct Ken doll and I'll get to dress him up!" Carson put in gleefully.
The other four erupted in laughter as Clark turned red and spluttered.
"Awww…. that's okay, we'll keep Carson from drooling all over you," Jai said comfortingly, who had to reach a bit so he could pat Clark's shoulder. "Geez, you're so tall…"
Carson was unfazed, of course. "But Clark, sweetie, those bulky frames have GOT to go! Ever thought about using contact lenses?" And before Clark could even react, his glasses were off and dangling from Carson's fingers.
Oh hell. Clark froze as all five men stared at him and immediately put on his best confused expression, hoping he could talk his way out of this.
Kyan was the first to break the silence. "Did anyone ever tell you that you look a lot like Superman?"
"No one's ever said that to me before," Clark managed with a straight face.
"Guys, maybe this is his secret identity!" Thom joked.
"Brilliant idea for a secret identity though. The whole mild-mannered reporter thing," Jai opined.
"Can't be doing all that superhero stuff all the time," Ted put in.
"Oh, sweetie, don't worry. We'll keep your secret, I promise," Carson reassured Clark. "Cross my little gay heart and give me a kiss."
"Down, Carson! Leave some for the rest of us!" Thom chortled.
Clark could have floated away in relief but managed to recover enough presence of mind to snatch his glasses back and put them on. "No contact lenses," he said firmly.
"Well, maybe if we get you less bulky frames..." Carson said thoughtfully.
"He IS really cute," Jai sighed. "Women should be falling all over Clark already, with that sweet and shy thing he's got going on…"
"Not Lois," Clark mumbled and kicked himself mentally for the slip when, of course, the others immediately pounced on that tidbit of information. In no time at all, he was sitting down with the Queer Eye gang and Clark reluctantly gave up the beans about his "attraction" to his co-worker, carefully leaving out the real complicated history between her, him, his alter-ego and Jason being his son. Clark was aware that this was still going to end up on TV after all, although he knew that most people in the newsroom, including probably Lois herself, were aware of his "crush." He mentally resigned himself to getting ragged about that when he reported to work after this.
"So why don't we fix you up and you can invite Lois and Jason over for dinner?" Jai proposed.
"I don't know," Clark hedged, having a really bad feeling about this. "She's still a friend and I – "
"Well, it's not as if you're going to propose marriage to her right this instant," Kyan countered. "You're just going to allow her to see you in a new light, that's all. What do you say, bro?"
He did have a point. One step at a time, Clark had told himself and then, just maybe…
Clark gave in with a shrug and a goofy grin. "That would be swell!"
"SWELL! Gawd, is he for real?" Thom howled with laughter, even as the others cheered and patted Clark on the back.
Carson had the last word. "Yes, he is and he's STILL adorable."
- TBC -
Author's End Notes: This is especially dedicated to all you reviewers out there, who've enjoyed The Little Things! (giggles). More will be coming soon!