Love is blind, and deaf
It was the scheduled day of the wedding, and birds were singing, the sun was shining, and other clichéd wedding crap was happening. The church that the ceremony was set to take place at was a giant church, with a high roof, with a giant picture of the fourth Hokage above the alter. The nins were getting ready for the pre wedding crap.
Tayuyas brides maids consisted of Kin, Karin, Sakura, and Haku (don't ask). As for the Maid of honor, Tayuya chose Tenten (she wanted a slut to make her look like less of a home wrecker). While Shikamarus grooms men consisted of Kiba, Neji, Lee, and Yoh Askura (he came all the way from Shaman king land). As for the best man, Shikamaru would've chose Choji, but since he was in jail for treason, he chose Shino.
Zelos was at the alter, reviewing his lines and constantly complaining about his robes.
"dude seriously, why do priests have to wear dresses?" asked Zelos indignantly
NOTE: MoogleBaku at this point was struck down by a lightning bolt for making fun of the fact that priests wear dresses
"don't question those kinds of things" said Shikamaru "bad things might happen"
"whatever…." Said Zelos "you still owe me for that bachelor party I planned for you…"
"why the hell would I owe you for that?" yelled Shikamaru "that party was disasterous"
The night before
To celebrate Shikamaru getting married, Zelos organized a bachelor party at Lee's dojo. They had everything there, snacks, enough root beer to feed an army, and more dvd's of 'la blue girl' then you can count.
"WOOOOOOO!!!!" yelled Kiba, running around Chugging root beer "THE VOICE IN MY HEAD TELLING ME TO MOLEST MY FRIENDS IS GONE!!! PARTY!!!"
Upon saying that, Kiba was promptly thrown out of the dojo to sober up from being suger high. The bachelor was sitting on the couch, surrounded by the other nins who were busy having a root beer drink off (theres no underage drinking in this fanfic, with the exception of Lee). Suddenly, Zelos strolled back into the room looking excited.
"here comes the best part!" yelled Zelos "wheel it in boys!"
Kakashi and Asuma entered the room, pushing in a Giant cake on a platform.
"oh my god!" said Shikamaru "that cake is huge!"
"it could fit a person inside of it" said Lee
"Uhh, guys?" said Shikamaru, leaning in close "I think there IS a person inside of there…."
Suddenly, the cake exploded, and standing in its place was a playboy bunny version of Haku.
"Does the groomie groom want a rubbie rub?" he asked "I also give Fabulous lap dances!"
With that, every man in the room started to vomit profusely.
"heyyyyyy there big boy" said Haku, strutting up to Shikamaru "wanna get the bachelor special?"
Things would've gone downhill from there, but then a deranged Iruka promptly entered the room and started to steal root beer, so the remainder of the party was spent trying to recapture said root beer.
"That was honest to god, the worst moment of my life" cringed Shikamaru "even worst then the day I accidentally found out what futanari means…"
"hey hey hey!" said Zelos indignantly "I misread the advertisement, so sue me, it could've been worse, the only other stripper advertising in Konoha is someone called the 'Yaoi fairy' (also known as Kuja), whoever that is…"
"you just better not mess up the ceremony" Threatened Shikamaru "I swear to god, if you do, I'll kill you…"
"geez, fine, whatever…" said Zelos "you should be a little more worried by the fact that one of your grooms men has been kidnapped by Gaara"
Everyone looked to the back of the church to find a big sand hand, dragging Lee, with him screaming the entire time.
"For the love of God! Somebody get Sakura!!!!" he yelled, being dragged away "Gai Sensei! Please save me"
And with that, Lee was dragged out of the church.
"god I miss it when that happens" said Shikamaru
"yeah, its been awhile" said Zelos "may the fellow red head find happiness with an unwilling dog brow"
The bride (Tayuya) and her flock of harpies, I mean, bridesmaids, were in a nearby room in the church, discussing all things that girls discuss before one of them gets married.
"hows the sex?" asked Tenten "the last time I talked to Shika, he said he was something called a virgin"
"its, interesting" said Tayuya, putting on her makeup "he seems to cry a lot during it, it must be something psychological that he got from his previous girlfriend"
"no kidding" said Sakura "did any of you just hear Lee Screaming just now?"
"Nope" said everyone else at once.
"anyway, its time for the wedding items" said Karin "do you have something old, something New, something borrowed, and something blue?"
"When you say borrow, is stealing under the same catergory as borrow?" asked Kin
"Well, then you can count Shikamaru, you stole him" chuckled Kin
Tayuya promptly got up and stabbed Kin. As Kin fell to the ground and started to bleed, Tayuya stood over her and yelled.
"what have I told you about talking? This isn't your day, ITS MINE! This is MY WEDDING!" she added, screeching it out so loud, it could shatter paper (so don't print this chapter out).
There truly is nothing more frightening then a chick on her wedding day.
The grooms men
"no" said Yoh Askura defiantly "I don't think it's a good idea"
"oh come on!" said Neji "the bride and all the brides maids are going to be in one room! You know whats going to happen…" elbowed Neji "some yuri bow chica bow wow"
"has that ever actually happened in the past for you, or are you just pulling everything you say out of your ass?"
"damn, was it that obvious?" asked Neji "I seriously wanna see some yuri though, I've been out of town for a while and they just let me out of the hospital"
"why are you talking about Russian cosmonauts?" asked Kiba
"its nothing…." Said Neji "go lick your crotch like a dog or something"
"you got it!" said Kiba, wandering off to do who knows what
"anyway" said Neji "it's a proven fact that all girls secretly love Yuri"
"I'm telling you! It's the truth!" said Neji "seriously, for all we know, in that room right now, Tenten is between Tayuyas legs and…….."
This scene where Neji graphically describes bride/bridesmaid yuri has been censored to protect the innocent.
Use your imagination
"what do you think?"
"You guys from Konoha are freaks" said Yoh "not like the guys I hang out with"
"who do you usually hang out with?"
"I hang out with a Chinese midget, a Japanese midget, an undead version of Michael Jackson, some freaky ice guy, a pedophile that hits people with a wooden sword, and the violent demonic harpy that I'm engaged to"
"wow, yeah, that's totally normal" said Neji "I don't know what I was thinking"
Inside the Church
Friends, family, comrades, associates, coworkers, and wedding crashers and all the sort had already poured into the church, waiting for the ceremony to start. At the end of the church, Shikamarus father was at the alter with his son, giving him some advice.
"shikamaru, my son, as your father, on the day of your wedding, I have some advice to give you for your married life."
"really? Well, what do you have to say?"
"shikamaru, having sex with your wife is like playing chess, You do it on a table, you get really frustrated when the other person has no idea what they're doing, and the older you get, the less exciting it becomes……any questions?"
"Dad, you just scarred me for life"
"Continuing" said his dad "generally, after your married, your wife is gonna take the pants of the relationship, and your going to spend the rest of your life miserable and in a constant state of despair"
"your pretty much going to be praying for death after a while, hoping that the earth will swallow you up and kill you when she asks you 'does this outfit makes me look fat?'"
"and more so, woman are completely insane, don't even get me started on my theories that women enjoy torturing themselves, you ever take a girl to a sad movie?"
"did you take your medication?"
"why would I need to take that?"
"so you don't act like how you currently are"
"ignoring that" continued his father "remember, never buy real estate, there's no such thing as fangirls, the moon landing was faked, the fluoride in the water is controlling your mind, cell phones give you cancer, the only reason you became a chunin is because the proctors were idiots, never buy dvds, Voldemort was framed, and always invest whatever you can in Yaoi, ALWAYS"
"oh god" said Shika, covering his face "I hate you so much"
"I love you too"
"Let me give you some real advice" said Shino approaching Shikamaru
Authors note: cue screaming fangirls
"be courteous, be kind, and for the love of god shikamaru, don't f--- this up"
"that's the best advice I've gotten all day"
A few rows from the back
The guys we all know and love from akatsuki had already showed up and had already gotten themselves seated. Every member was present, with the exception of Itachi, who was doing hard time for capping Lee and Naruto, and Zetsu.
On a side note, the member of Akatsuki that's got wood (Sasori) had passed away recently due to an unfortunate magic trick accident (at least Tobi SAID it was an accident). Sasori went peacefully, actually, as peacefully as someone can go when they get their heart impaled upon an ax. And thus, the empty position created by his death was filled by Tobi, as begrudenly promised by the leader.
"I'm in akatsuki!" whistled Tobi gleefully "I'm a super duper cool criminal"
"yeah, great, whatever kid" said Kisame "did you ever find out the reason why everyone in Konoha hates Ino?"
"you bet!" said Tobi "it's an odd reason though, I'll tell you later, it'll create more suspense"
"bastard" muttered Kisame under his breath
"did you say something?"
"okay……well….where's Zetsu-sama?" asked Tobi "he's the only member that isn't likely to kill me in my sleep, and he isn't even here"
"he's in jail visiting Itachi, remember he's Akatsukis active lawyer?"
"oh yeah, how did a plant get a degree from a law school anyway?"
"how could a woman sue for 20,000 dollars over a starburst?"
Zetsu was in the visiting room of Konoha prison. It was like that of most prisons, dark, damp, with a wooden table in the center of the room with a solitary light hanging over the table. There were two chairs on both sides on the table, for the inmate and the visitor to sit on. Zetsu sat down on his chair, opening up his brief case to look over his legal papers. He had some documents in there, including Sasoris remains (lunch, as Zetsu would call it). Suddenly, Itachi was led into the room by two guards.
"Hey Kisame!" said Itachi "its great to see you again"
"same diff" said Itachi sitting down "how's it going"
"I'm still working on the legal mumbo jumbo to get you out" said Zetsu "we can plead that shooting Naruto was in self defense, I'm pretty sure the judge will be lenient on that, as for shooting that Lee kid, that might be a little difficult"
"hey, you don't need to get me out"
"what?" asked Zetsu
"I've been in prison too long, I've become an institution man now and shit"
"too long? You've been in jail maybe 18 hours tops"
"hey, 18 hours on the inside is like 23 hours on the outside, us guys in the joint are different from you outsiders….and stuff"
Zetsu sighed, this was going to be harder than he thought. Was Itachi playing stupid, or was he really that dumb?
"Itachi, you can't stay in jail, you'll never survive"
"oh come on, prison life is great! We get to eat bologna sandwiches for every meal! And My cellmate is this guy called Mizuki, he's the prison bitch around here."
"Itachi, you can't stay in jail, your blind, and unfortunately, many people find you pretty, you'll never last in a all male prison"
"name one reason why I should try to get out of jail" said Itachi
"……………………………….yaoi prison rape"
"okay, yeah" conceded Itachi, a look of horror dawning on his face "get me the hell out of here"
"well, the legal part is the plan A" said Zetsu, putting away his brief case "Plan B is were going to bake you a cake"
"are you going to hide a nail file in it?"
"no, we won't, but it will make you feel better after you become the boyfriend of some guy named Tank"
"I really hate you"
Back to the wedding
"You have the ring?" asked Shikamaru to Shino, while waiting on the alter
"Yup" said Shino, pulling it out "Haku was trying it on earlier, he was giggling really creepy like every time he put it on too"
"Whatever" said Shikamaru "just don't lose it"
Shino pocketed the ring and scanned the crowd of people sitting in their seats. On the left side of the church (the grooms side) their were the entire cast of series such as Fullmetal alchemist, Inuyasha, Negima!, Bleach, Love Hina, Trigun, gundam wing, speed racer, Shaman king, dragon ball Z, Ghost in a shell, and Final fantasy VII. On the right was the brides side, and it was full of cutise girl anime crap series, such as fruits basket, descendants of darkness, angel sanctuary, sailor moon, hello kitty, hamtaro, and other girly crap.
"do you even know half the people here?" asked Shino
"nope" said Shikamaru "Tayuya was in charge of invitations"
"wasn't she in charge of the ceremony too?"
"And the reception?"
"And what everyone wears?"
"Yeah, she was in charge of pretty much everything"
"Were you in charge of anything?"
"Well…" said Shikamaru "no not really?"
"Whipped!" said Zelos, strolling in behind them
"Where the hell were you?" yelled Shikamaru "the ceremony starts in minutes, and you've been gone for hours!"
"I went to the strip club to relax before the ceremony" said Zelos "it was funny, cause the strippers were giving me lots of attention, it must be cause I'm in my priest robes"
Shikamaru would've killed Zelos at that very moment of time, but he remembered the only available alternative justice of the peace besides him was missing his body, so he bit his lip and waited for the ceremony to start.
"you…… better…… not….. mess…..this…..up…Zelos"
"heh, don't worry man, I'll do great. By the way, I was going to ask you…….how's the sex?"
"interesting, and awful" muttered Shika, his head dropping a bit
"why?" grinned Zelos, moving closer "is having sex with a girl that has horns as Kinky as I think it is?"
"well, you see….." mumbled Shika, the last part of his sentence was intelligible
"what is it?"
Shikamaru leaned forward and started to whisper into Zeloses ear. Upon hearing what Shikamaru had to say, he leap back in horror.
"OH MY GOD!!!" he yelled "SHE SHOVED A FLUTE UP YOUR WHAT!?!?!"
Suddenly the whole church went quiet. Everyone stopped talking and started to stare up at Shikamaru. Throughout the crowd, there were muttering of 'flute?' and 'sounds yaoi-licous"
This incredible tension spawned an awkward silence that lasted for a few minutes. That entire time, the entire crowd stared at Shikamaru, who at that point, would've given all the money in the world to blow up at that very moment of time. Thankfully, the awkward silence was broken by Shino.
"Here she comes" said Shino, pointing down the aisle
The wedding music started to play (that corny wedding music), and the bride came down the aisle. Tayuya was followed by her harpies (I mean, bridesmaids), who were all dressed in the best dresses you could possibly buy at Hot topic (they sell them, I think). Tayuya, was dressed up in a black leather dress (very classy), with shiny silver skulls and bats decorating it on the arms.
As she was descending down the aisle, Kiba sprang up from his seat and started to yell "it's a witch! Burn her!". Upon yelling this, the wedding bouncers (Sakon and Ukon) promptly dragged him out of the church, with him shouting 'she turned me into a newt!' as he went out the door. Tayuya ignored this distraction and moved to the alter next to her soon-to-be-husband.
About Ten minutes later
The ceremony had started, and Zelos was in the middle of the wedding ceremony, and staying on track the entire time.
"……and then I took that chick back to my house, and I totally spiked her end zone, if you know what I mean, heyo!" he said
Needless to say, the bride, the groom, and the entire congregation in the church was horrified.
"this is the best wedding ceremony ever!" said Tenten, crying a bit "Its just soooo beautiful! Please continue Zelos!"
"get on track!" hissed Shikamaru
"okay, fine, whatever"
Five minutes later
"….and then Professor Sage and I bow chicka bow wow'd all night long!"
Another five minutes later
"…..and then I almost died the seventeenth time!"
"Zelos! If you don't get back on track, I'm going to kill you!"
"that's what she said!"
Once again, Five minutes later
"….and that, is why Itachi murdered the entire Uchia clan…."
Everybody in the church went 'ohhhh' at once. Zelos explanation was totally believable and true.
"Zelos…" said Shikamaru "I'm swear, as soon as this ceremony is over, I'm going to kill you"
"oh come on" said Zelos, closing his bible "I get that threat more than you might think"
"listen Shitface" said Tayuya, suddenly stepping forward and grabbing Zelos by the collar "if you don't get on with this ceremony, and wed me and Shiky, I swear to god, I'll cut off the reason you like girls…."
"fine fine fine" said Zelos, pulling the bible back out "lets just skip straight to the vows, Tayuya" he said, facing the bride "you may read your vows"
"thank you" she said, pulling out a piece of paper "Shikamaru……. You're the first Man I think I ever was able to manipulate so easily, your weak, slovenly, and your will bends so easy that its pitiful. These are the qualities that I fell in love with, and I promise you that when we are married, I will spend the rest of our lives nagging, manipulating, strong arming, insulting, controlling, questioning you and your life. For I….am your manipulator, and you are my subservient."
"at least she's being honest as to what's ahead" said Zelos aloud "now, its time for the groom…"
Shikamaru pulled out a piece of paper that looked like a crushed napkin, and started reading from it with much difficulty.
"Tayuya, I tried to write the vows in a way that glorified you like heavens sent you like you told me to, but I figured that was too much work and just wrote this on my way up to the alter. I love you, the end, I don't care if your about as manipulative and insane as my last girlfriend, I still love you, just please, don't try to reenact any more scenes from American pie, I don't think I can take it….and thank you"
Everyone in the church was surprised at Shikamarus honesty, and his incredible lack of initiative. The only person who was not surprised was Tayuya, who was crying at Shikamarus words.
"Shika honey" said Sniffled out "that is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard you say……I love you"
"yeah….super, whatever" said Zelos "anyway…." He said, skimming through his bible "blah blah blah, wedding, blah blah, holy union, blah blah blah, love, and some other crap, lets stick to the good stuff. If anyone here has a beef with these two shacking up, speak up or Shut up"
There was a silence in the church, and then a rustling as people looked around for Temari. They figured that if anyone was going to try to spoil the ceremony, they'd do it now. To their surprise, no one stood up or interrupted in any way.
"really?" questioned Zelos "no ones gonna say anything? Dammit. Come on people, I'm pretty sure someone here has a problem with these two" he added, pointing to Shikamaru and Tayuya "I mean, come on! Their freakin kids"
"what the hell are you trying to do?" asked Shikamaru
"trying to make this more dramatic, and hey what do you know!" he added, pointing to the crowd "some one else agrees with me"
Someone sitting a few rows back did stand up and agreed with Zelos. And this person was no other than……Kurenai.
"Shikamaru…" she said "you can't marry Tayuya…"
"why not?" asked Shikamaru, shocked that an unimportant character like Kurenai got a speaking role
"Shikamaru…" she stuttered out "I didn't want to tell you, but…..I just can't keep it in, Shikamaru…." She said, looking down at her pregnant stomach "…..its your baby"
"WHAT?!" yelled Shikamaru "I'm not the one that (censored) you, that was Asuma!"
"no, he was killed by Hidan…" she said "he died before I became pregnant, you're the only one!"
"uh, Kurenai?" said Asuma "I'm right next to you, alive too I might add"
"you hear that?!?" yelled Kurenai "you can hear his sprit in the wind, verifying what I've said"
"Shikamaru" yelled Tenten, getting up "I'm preggers too! And its your baby"
"oh that baby could be the child of any one in this room"
"oh" and with that, she sat back down
"Shikamaru! I'm pregnant too! And its your child!" yelled Haku
"shut the (censored) up!" yelled Shikamaru
"Rock Lee! I think I'm pregnant" yelled Gaara "and you're the father"
"this doesn't seem physically possible!" said Lee
Suddenly, chicks from the shojo side of the of the Church started to confess their pregancies to guys from the shonen jump side of the church, causing much confusion and denying.
"Ichigo Kurosaki!" yelled Rukia "I'm pregnant, and…"
"shut the (censored) up" said Ichigo "I finally got a cameo in this crappy fanfic, and I'm not going to spend my cameo talking to you"
"you know what?" yelled Zelos, cutting off Ichigo "(censored) this, lets just get this over with"
"you" he continued, pointing to Shikamaru "do you take this broad to be your ball and chain?"
"sure, why not" said Shikamaru
"do you, Tayuya, take Shikamaru, to be your sniveling whining husband?"
"I do" she giggled
"good, now kiss each other dammit"
Tayuya and Chicken wuss looked into each others eyes for a moment, as if they saw each other for the first time. Then, smiling, Shikamaru leaned forward, and they kissed their first passionate kiss of marriage. The entire congregation of wedding goers stopped what they were doing, and a giant 'awwwwwwwwww' swept throughout the church.
"Zelos!" yelled Sheena, running up from behind "I'm pregnant! And its your baby!"
"oh son of a bitch" he said "too many cliffhangers…"
Don't Believe it, Special segment
A look back
This story has so far stretched more than 40 chapters, with more characters than I can keep track of (no wonder so many of them get killed off). So, as a little look back, I'd like to mark my own personal favorite moments and parts of my fair fanfic.
Favorite chapter- chapter 22- ying yang parties
Out of everything I wrote, I like this the most. I really don't know where I got most of my ideas for this chapter, but some were things I wanna do (Kibas awesome stunt).Also, just recently, I went to a party and saw someone pull off a stunt similar to what Kiba did (not the same, but still just as dangerous and involving bottle rockets)
Favorite character- Itachi
I originally had no intention of putting Itachi in this fanfic, when I first started to write this, I had not seen any episodes with Itachi in it, or read any of the scanlations, but eventually I got my friend to get me the episodes where Itachi whups Sasukes ass, and thanks to me watching a couple episodes of 'blind justice', I began to think 'hey, if Itachi has bad eyesight, what would it be like if I gave him a gun?'. The rest is history, there is so much you can do when you give a blind guy a gun, I suggest all readers should come up with their own wacky stories of blind Itachi with a gun (I would SOOO read all of them).
My favorite part? Probably the part where Kiba drinks a whole bottle of Soy sauce then tries to do Dream a dream on extreme in the DDR contest chapter, or the one where Zelos finds the holy grail, or the one where Naruto speaks in his French dub, or……..wait, did any of these things happen?
Most half assed written part of the story- Probably the Tenten chapter
I really don't know anybody that is that slutty (actually, anyone that is that open about their sluttiness) and my total lack of knowledge of the dark underworld of yaoi fangirls and perverted fangirls left me in the dark when I wrote this. I pretty much had no idea what to write, so I went with what first popped into my head.
Has my writing skills gotten better?
I really hope so. I look back at what I wrote in the beginning, and compare it now, and I see a really big difference (really short chapters then, longer chapters now). I also kinda noticed the newer stuff makes more sense, I think….
Least Favorite Character-Temari
I really didn't know what 'hook' to give her in the beginning, so I decided the old girl-is-bad-cook-boyfriend-suffers idea might've worked for it. It really didn't and she quickly changed into the sociopath possessive insane girlfriend that most guys have. I consider her my least favorite cause she probably had the crappiest start.
Most character development-Naruto
You gotta admit, a lot has happened to him, he was stuck with a bad catchphrase, got diagnosed with badenglishdubious syndrome, got switched to dattebayo, had a mental break down, got stuck in his Spanish dub, was stuck in a inter dimmenisonal warp created by Zeloses potion, brought back, and now thinks hes a fictional spanish hero (Don Quixote, who totally kicks ass). If all that doesn't show a tiny bit of character growth, than hes as crappy of a character here as he is in the manga.
My opinon of Choji
Choji went from a stupid fatass (what I first thought of him) to tubby slightly cool guy (what I think of him now). To bad Makashi Kishimoto probably won't ever give him lime light again.
My opinon of Ino
Shes still a bitch
Longest chapter- Chapter 40
Shortest Chapter-Chapter 7
I doubt anyone but me noticed it, but the Halloween chapters number was 31. Anyone guess the connection between Halloween and the number 31?
My opinon of the no-show characters
(Kabuto, Sugiestu, Jugo, Ebisu, Konohamaru, the 3rd hokage, sir not appearing in this fanfic, you)
Most of those guys suck, Kabuto is whiney, Sugiestu and Jugo appeared to late in the manga to be in my story at this stage of it, ebisu is a loser, I have no idea who Konohamaru is, the 3rd Hokage is senile, sir not appearing in this fanfic is aptly named, and sorry, only fangirls of mine are allowed to appear (if you wanna fill out an application, get in line). On a side note, I already have three fangirls (you rock shizuru-kun!)
Well, only one to go, maybe two if the finale turns out longer than I thought (maybe i'll give it multiple endings like in red vs blue). My summers been going pretty good i guess, I did some volunteer work at the local forest preserve (I do that alot), got a part-time job (its like being in the movie clerks, but with more swearing), and discovered the meaning of life (just kidding, still trying to figure that one out).
And in case your wondering, YES, I am one of those annoying people that went to the midnight release of the last Harry Potter the deathly Hollows. The line at the book store i went to streched to the back, around the whole place, and out the door onto the sidewalk (it was a three hour wait to get the book). Instead of waiting in line, I went to the local grocery store (where I work) and picked up a copy (there were like, fifty books on display, and no lines of people to get it). Anyway, I got a copy, and no I haven't finished it yet (I wanna read it slowly).
Oh, and I got sorted into slytheran, just in case you care to know...(hehe, being the evil guy is fun for once)
Also, in this chapter, of all of those anime references for the wedding guests, I have honestly read (or seen) less than half of those i mentioned. I tried reading a shojo once, it was called angel sanctuary, it was oddly drawn, horribly confusing, and the major plot point was that the main character was in love with his sister. That pretty much set the pace for the entire series.
Anyway, until next time, Believe it! and Kupopo!