Musings: Trust – Amaruk Wolfheart
Spoilers: Set during "Misbegotten;" possible spoilers for "Misbegotten," "No Man's Land," "Allies," and "Michael."
Warnings/Pairings: Wraith (…ish) POV and pro-Michael; no pairing
Notes: All right. So I lied. Alliances was not my last muse (as QOTRS says). But I couldn't have known that! See, I never thought I'd do anything on Michael or from his POV, because I never quite felt I could find his voice. Well, when Ronan shot him and Beckett injected him, I definitely found it. Thus, my first Musings that is not in the voice of my dear Wraith scientist. Let me know how it's turned out!
This is for Queen of the Red Skittle and Michael, because both of them have prompted my writing this muse (in rather different ways, of course) and I love both of them to bits.
-Rutile's Spectacularly Amazing Disclaimer- This is the fourth bloody Musings. Amazingly, the author has actually acquired ownership of something between this and the third! She now has an imaginary Michael Plush Doll. The End.
I do not understand it.
How is it that they still do not trust me? By all rights I should be the one distrusting them. After all, it was they who imprisoned and experimented on me, not the other way around. And I saved their lives, and I have nowhere else to go.
They are blinded by the fact that I am- … That I was a Wraith. Though I indeed consider myself one still, it has been made eminently clear to me by my own kind that I am no longer one of them – tainted.
And perhaps they are correct. How else could I have possibly thought – hoped – for even a moment that these humans would have trusted me…accepted me…
I don't believe I will se either one anytime soon – and likely never. What human is willing to trust a Wraith? What Wraith is willing to trust a human? And who in this galaxy would consider accepting some odd hybrid of the two?
As I told Tey- …the Athosian woman, I would prefer to distance myself from both sides. I have nothing to gain from offering information to others of my ki- …to any of the clans. They would only offer the distrust and distance my former clan expressed. And while I believe I could contribute greatly to these humans, especially with them in possession of a Wraith ship, I would receive the exact same reward.
For the lives of some of their most valued people and a ship's crew, surely supplies and a ship are not terribly much to ask? But I saw in her eyes the same wariness that I saw and felt in my former clanmates. They would never trust me with freedom.
With that in mind, what else is there but death? Death is greatly preferable to sitting here in this blasted room under constant guard doing absolutely nothing. I would certainly go insane with boredom in a few weeks – another fate which makes death sound practical. A Wraith greatly values his mind and reason, (so, I believe, do humans) and I am no exception.
So. I cannot be trusted. I cannot be freed. I will not stay. And their ridiculous morals, which somehow do allow forcibly capturing and testing a life-changing mind-altering drug on an unwilling living being, do not allow them to kill me. (I suspect, however, that giving me ten minutes alone with the runner, Ronon Dex, would easily accomplish that goal, and he would not be bothered by murdering me in the least. In fact, it would probably put him in a good mood for quite some time.)
With all of these options closed to me, what is left? In my opinion, those are the only choices. The Athosian had the audacity to suggest the retrovirus. Their "cure." Yes, let's all turn this living, thinking, feeling being into an entirely different creature against his will, erase his memory, lie to him, and call it a cure.
Never again will I allow myself to be subjected to such treatment. If they would dare to suggest doing that to me again, it makes me wonder whether I might have been better off just being fed off of. At least that would have simplified things a great deal.
One must first trust in order to be betrayed. The Athosian implied that I betrayed their trust in me by escaping after I found out the truth about "Lieutenant Michael Kenmore" and returning to my clan.
All right, first, let's look at that objectively. In all honesty, if you just realized in a rather shocking and brutal way that everything you were told and accepted about your life – your very body and mind – by people you trusted your life, body, mind, and memory with was a complete and utter lie, that you were actually one of the "evil" creatures that you were supposedly rescued from… Would you react with patience and understanding and gratitude?
I think not.
Frankly, I believe I took it rather well, all things considered.
But I am beginning to ramble. (Though really, there's not much else to do.)
The other inaccuracy with the Athosian's implication is that there was no trust for me to betray. Despite the fact that they attempted to integrate me into their society, not one of these humans has ever placed even the smallest amount of trust in me.
It is I who have been betrayed.
I had hoped that saving lives might gain me some measure of the faint trust I still had in them, or at least erase their doubt so that I might have a chance in the future to prove worthy of trust.
Instead, I have been locked up.
And I fear that their betrayal of my trust might be even greater.
It is obvious that they will never trust me to help them. They will never trust me to go free and not betray them. They cannot bring themselves to grant me death, and they cannot keep me here forever. Therefore, as I have previously concluded, there is only one option left to them.
I fear that perhaps the Athosian's offer of the retrovirus treatment does not depend entirely on my acquiescence.
I would not put it past these humans to drug me against my will again. They have shown no previous scruples in that matter, and I doubt they have gained any since. I can only hope that my worry, like my trust, is misplaced.
…But if it is not.
If they drug me against my will for a second time, I will not leave them unscathed. I will not allow myself to feel betrayed again. They will find I decided that if they refuse to trust me, I will not trust them. Last time, I still kept a shred of trust which stayed my hand from inflicting the destruction I wanted to cause. If they dare to violate my mind and body again, I will not hold back my fury.
I will not allow it to happen again.
I will not find it, so I will not seek it.
I will not get it, so I will not give it.
For if my recent dealings with humans and Wraith have taught me anything, it is that neither is willing to trust me and putting my faith in either will lead only to imprisonment or death.