Author's Note: 'Nother crack fic. More Deidara-goodness. Maybe more fluff. I think I'm high…OFF LIFE. :o
Rated For: mild themes, implied stuff
Warning: Spoilers until Sasori's real body is revealed. Implied pairings, fluffy pairings…and CRACK. Or at least weird-ness. (References to Manic Grin; may be side-sequel.)
PS: Ja, I'm hosting an award for good stories and authors. Y'all should totally go to my forums and nominate people. Yeah.
All Akatsuki members painted their nails. A deep purple. It was required of them…for some reason. Deidara didn't care; he liked that color. And it was an excuse to get together with the other Akatsuki without them trying to rip his heart out and feed it to him.
Once in a long while, the four of them would get together--Deidara, Sasori, Itachi and Kisame. The blonde Akatsuki valued his health more than trying to get Kakuzu or Hidan to join. Occasionally Zetsu would, but he would bring Tobi, more often than not, and things would quickly disintegrate into a large brawl. So it was usually just the four of them.
Deidara would often complain loud and clear about painting his nails, making small cracks at the others for doing so as well. Sasori would reply that it was Sir Leader-sama's wishes, and that usually shut him up right away. Itachi would just huff, while Kisame would snort or make a comment in a similar manner.
Deidara would watch them all, ignoring the bottle of nail polish in his hand. There were…well, slightly more relaxed or something while painting. Their expressions were always more readable, anyway.
Itachi's cold stare was the same, or at least to the untrained eye. After several years of being 'teammates' in the Akatsuki, Deidara could tell that he was actually in one of his better moods today. He wasn't as dense as everyone thought; the blonde didn't miss some of the looks the Uchiha gave Kisame. And Deidara was bent on the fact that they were together behind his back, so his imagination sometimes got carried away.
Sasori sighed. Deidara had that look in his eye again. And that never boded well with anyone. Last time he got in the 'mood', the blonde Iwa-nin had managed to scar at least half of the Akatsuki for life. And he couldn't come out of his room for several days for fear of his life. With another sigh, the puppet master glanced over to where Deidara was humming cheerfully as he blew on his wet nails. With a twitch, Sasori turned back to his own painting. Why, why on this green earth, did they have to paint their nails? Purple, no less?
Deidara seemed to like this ritual, however, although he usually complained. His sleeves were pushed back, and he was sticking his tongue out in concentration as he struggled with perfection. Sasori sighed, turning to his other two teammates. Kisame grumbled occasionally about it, but Itachi…well, he seemed to like it well enough. Oddly.
Then again, Sasori really didn't care. He just wanted to know why Sir Leader-sama made them all do it.
"Psst, Sasori-danna, un." The sudden noise would've made them jump, but they were Akatsuki. They were elite, thus didn't jump when one of their more immature members decided to stage-whisper.
Sasori turned to look at his partner, raising an eyebrow just a fraction. "Hai, Deidara?" The redhead really didn't want to know what Deidara wanted now. Probably something stupid, either way. He was waiting for his own dark-purple nails to dry, and was half-hoping something interesting would happen. It'd keep Deidara distracted, anyway.
"Hmm…who do you think would be the uke, between the two, un?" Time seemed to freeze, or at least the other three Akatsuki members did. Deidara was oblivious to the sudden awkwardness, and continued in his loud whisper. "Kisame is bigger and stuff, un, but Itachi doesn't seem like the submissive type. …un."
Sasori got his wish, something interesting happened. He just should've known that Deidara would've been the one to cause it. The Suna-nin would've preferred the usual explosion, for once. He moved away from Deidara, which conveniently was also away from the now furious Itachi and Kisame. The blonde seemed oblivious to the murderous intent suddenly flooding the room, and continued to finish his right hand. Sasori half-hoped his partner would be done soon; at this rate, he'd be going through partners faster than Orochimaru went through bodies. Deidara was what, his third partner? Maybe fourth by now?
Looks like he'd need a new partner, either way.
"Neh, Sasori-danna…un. Are you going to answer my question?" Deidara whispered again, although this time, he could barely hide a smirk.
He did that on purpose! Sasori realized, and promptly scooted farther away from him. "No, Deidara. I am not going to answer your idiotic question."
"Aww…un." The blonde hung his head, his long hair falling down around his face. Almost immediately, however, he perked up again. "I'll just ask Itachi-kun, then."
Deidara looked over toward the Uchiha and shark. Both were glaring at him, and his visible blue eye shifted down to their feet; he'd rather not get trapped in some genjutsu right now. Although looking downward wouldn't protect him from Samehada. "Itachi-kun, Kisame-kun, I have a question, un!" He called cheerfully, as if they hadn't heard his whispered conversation with Sasori.
"Hai, Deidara?" Itachi asked calmly, cutting off his partner. The blue-haired Akatsuki looked at Itachi like he had grown another head, but kept silent.
"Hmm…which one of you is the uke? Because I know you two are together, un, no use hiding it anymore. And I'm curious…un." Closing his eyes, Deidara tilted his head upward again, smiling at the pair.
Kisame stared at Itachi, wondering what his reaction would be. Would he kill Deidara? Or just use some horrible genjutsu? Or perhaps just beat him up? Or would he let Kisame whack the blonde a few times with Samehada?
Like always, Itachi paused before answering, giving proper thought to each word he was about to say. "Deidara…" Now was the moment of truth. Sasori and Kisame were both awaiting the punishment; Deidara just rocked back on his heels and grinned, eyes still closed. "You are an idiot. You have an over-active imagination, and you have allowed it to gain control of your mind. Not only is that dangerous to your already-weak mental health, it's troublesome for the rest of us."
No killing? No pain? Deidara opened his eye, glancing at Itachi to see if it was safe. His hands were in his cloak, hidden from view, but his eyes didn't seem like…well, like they were going to attack. Kisame, however…he looked like he'd enjoy shoving Samehada down the Iwa-nin's throat.
"Another thing, Deidara." Itachi spoke again, and, as always, his deep voice commanded others to listen to it. "Why do you insist on gathering members together just so they may paint their nails? It is rather idiotic."
"Because, un." Deidara replied, cheerful as ever. "It's, hmm, quality time. …un."
Itachi stood up without another word, and strode past both Deidara and Sasori toward the door. Then, as either a twisted way to get revenge or perhaps just to mess with Deidara, the Sharingan Master turned back to the other three, and added, "And Deidara, you really are an idiot. I would be the seme, of course."
Sasori sighed. The nail polish fumes must be getting to all of them. Kisame's jaw had dropped, while Deidara had turned to him in sheer delight. "Ooh, right, un! You two are together, although I would've guess Itachi-kun would've been the uke--un!"
"We're not together." Kisame growled, grabbing his sword as he stalked out of the room. Sasori couldn't help but hear the mutterings which sounded strangely like, "I would not be the uke…"
The redhead and blonde were left alone again in the room. Sasori slowly stood up, glancing at his partner. "I do hope your happy. My nails are dry as well, so I'll be taking my leave of you as well."
"Neh, Sasori-danna? …un?" Deidara strode over to catch up with him as they left.
"…Hai, Deidara? If this is something along the same lines, I will turn you into a puppet this time."
"Hmm…" The Iwa Akatsuki tilted his head back, tapping his chin. It was apparently his thinking pose. "Well, I already know the answer, Sasori-danna. Obviously, since I am so loud and decisive, I would be the seme of our relationship, un."
Sasori was normally a very calm, cool, collected person--erm, puppet. Either way, he was now struggling not to reach other and strangle his partner. "Deidara, we are not in a relationship of any kind, save for teammates in Akatsuki." He took a breath to calm himself, and continued. "…Besides, you would be the uke. You are immature, thus child-like, and therefore more submissive. And, you are younger, so that automatically goes toward my…theory on the subject."
"I'm only younger because you're a puppet, un." Deidara stuck his tongue out at the shorter Akatsuki nin, then grinned. "Besides, that doesn't mean anything. You're shorter than me…un. And you're quiet…un!"
"Deidara, you are not using logic here. I am older, and you are younger. You are also much more immature. …You would be the uke."
"Not-uh, Sasori-danna, un."
"You just proved my point. I am your Danna…apparently…so thus, I would be the seme. If we had a relationship, which we do not."
"I'm louder, you're quiet, un. I'm bigger, you're smaller. See, Sasori-danna? I'm right…un." Deidara declared triumphantly.
"Deidara, the nail polish fumes must have gotten to your head." The redhead stated flatly. "You are not following your own logic. If I am your Danna, I am your Master. It wouldn't make sense if I weren't the seme, then, would it?"
"Hmm, we aren't getting anywhere on this subject…un." Deidara appeared to think again, until he suddenly stopped, grabbing Sasori's wrist. "Then we'll just have to see who would be the uke, then, Sasori-danna! …un."
"…" He knew where this was going. "…" Deidara just grinned in response. "…You were planning this the whole time…weren't you…?'
"Um…I don't know what you're talking about. I just act on impulse, surely you know that about me by now…un?"
"Deidara, you are a horrible liar."
"…Moron. I would be seme, you would be the uke, end of discussion, Deidara."
"We don't need to discuss anything to--"
"But my curiosity, un! It needs to be sated! …un."
"Not-uh. But, I guess that I'll just be arguing and wondering about this until the end of time, then…un…" Deidara said dramatically, sighing. "…Of course, without proof, I am going to go around telling everyone that I am your seme and you are my uke. And, being the quiet one that you are, you won't argue it aloud…un."
"Hm, well then, I wonder where Itachi-kun and Kisame-kun wandered off to, un. I hope they're not too busy that I can't tell them--" Sasori lost a bit more of his patience, and action was called for. He pushed Deidara up against the nearest wall, pinning his wrists against the cool rock. The blonde raised his visible eyebrow, smirking expectedly.
"Deidara, you are an idiot. You not only defy logic--your own logic--you have to go and tease everyone about non-existent relationships and act like a general child." The redhead hissed, narrowing his eyes.
"Itachi-kun was the one who said--"
"He was teasing you, and, in retrospect, myself as well because he knew you'd be bugging me about it." Sasori sighed, rolling his eyes. Deidara was still staring at him, and it annoyed him.
"I'm not as stupid as you think, Sasori-danna." The blonde clarified. "I know he was teasing me, but little does he know, this is going to be all over Akatsuki in a manner of hours, un. Maybe a few of the villages if I'm good…un." Deidara blinked, smiling. Sasori still had him pinned up against the wall, but it wasn't like he minded. "Hmm, now, Sasori-danna? Could you let me go, or are you going to take my suggestion?"
Sasori stared flatly at him. "You are not worth it to try to reason with, Deidara." He deadpanned. But he still didn't let go of him. "But…don't go spreading it too far. Itachi-san will trap you in some twisted genjutsu--or simply kill you--if you tick him off too much."
"Hmm, I'll keep that in mind…un." Deidara appeared thoughtful again, then leaned in closer to Sasori. "While we're in this position, we could--"
"No." Sasori let go of him as though burned, and promptly stepped away from the blonde. "Just drop it, Deidara, or admit the flaws in your logic and…" At this point, Deidara had leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. Sasori blinked, then promptly continued on his previous thread, "Logic and reasoning."
"Hai, Sasori-danna, un!" Deidara replied cheerfully, chuckling at the redhead's momentary freeze. "Hmm…or should I start calling you--"
"No pet names. No nicknames. No nothing. We are teammates, nothing more, nothing less." Sasori deadpanned again, shooting a glare toward the cheerful Akatsuki.
"Well, teammates could mean a lot of things…un. Just look at Itachi-kun and Kisame-kun! …un!" he exclaimed, nodding to prove his point.
"They most certainly aren't anything more than teammates."
"Hai…" Deidara looked crestfallen, although it was a bit too dramatic to be true for Sasori's tastes. He was slightly disturbed and more than a bit wary when the Iwa-nin brightened. "You know…I think you might be the seme after all…un."
"Oh, not this conversation again…"
"Well, you did manage to pin me up against the wall like that, Sasori-danna…un."
"That was because I'm physically stronger than you."
Itachi was now known throughout the world as the seme of Kisame, and Kisame as the uke of Itachi. Those who knew the two (such as Naruto or Kakashi) were all disturbed, although Orochimaru had a good laugh about it. Sasuke just swore it was another reason to kill his brother; he was disgracing the Uchiha name.
No one outside the Akatsuki ever heard about Sasori and Deidara. Although everyone inside the organization had a good chuckle, at Sasori's expense. For the next month, Deidara went around calling him 'Seme-sama' or 'Seme-danna'. Tobi and Kisame both found this highly amusing, of course. Itachi merely smirked occasionally (that, in itself, was a great feat), but Hidan and Kakuzu both appeared to be placing some sort of bets on them. Sasori really did not want to know what said bets were about. Zetsu was staying carefully neutral on the subject, which turned out later to be a wise decision.
"Alright, the nail polish fumes must have worn off by now." Sasori snapped at the blonde following him around like a little lost puppy.
"Aww, Seme-sama! I'm not high or anything, un! Can't you tell, this is true love! Un!" Deidara crowed, clasping his hands together dramatically.
"…I am never painting my nails with you, ever again. Even if Sir Leader-sama tries to force me."
"Just you wait, Seme-sama…un." The blonde Akatsuki member said. "Next time, I'm going to get all the members together, un! It'll be fun!"
"…I can hardly wait…"
Ending Note: BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT IN THEIR SPARE TIME. ...Review, s'il vous plait?