Don't Bother Writing

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A/N: Don't own it. XD Been a damn long time since I've written anything DBZ-related. Almost two years, methinks? Enjoy (maybe)

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My Dear Prince Vegeta,

How have you been since the annihilation of your home planet? You're gone so much on missions; I barely get to spend any time with you. I do hope bowling-ball head is taking good care of you. I sent you a present with this package. I hope you like it.

Yours sincerely,

Lord Frieza

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Frieza,

I'm gone all the time because you overbook me on missions! Do you think I'm the damn Energizer Bunny? Well, screw you! And Nappa is taking care of me! He let me beat the snot out of him today, pretending he was you!

Prince Vegeta

P.S.: You can take your purple dress and shove it up your ass, just how you like it!

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My Dear Prince Vegeta,

When I was your age, I was already ruling several galaxies. You have a long ways to go. Beat Nappa up some more. Murder some innocents. Build that power level, my favorite pet!

Yours sincerely,

Lord Frieza

P.S.: I sewed that dress especially for you. You wound me by not wearing it! I sent you a camera with this letter so you can take a picture in your dress to send back to me.

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Frieza,

I hate you. Please die promptly. And here's your frickin' picture.

Prince Vegeta

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My Dear Prince Vegeta,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. It's been crazy around here. I found out Zarbon has been doing unmentionable things to me in my sleep. I had to deal with him immediately; he left those pictures where anyone could get their hands on them! Dedoria got his fat ass stuck in a door, thus jamming up the mechanism. Needless to say, he was stuck there for several days until a mechanic could fix the door and release him. Also, I recently hired a new killing force team of five members. We have dance lessons together twice a week.

As you recently turned sixteen, I am sending you a good-looking specimen to "make you a man!"

Yours sincerely,

Lord Frieza

P.S.: If you weren't so adorable, I would be very cross with you for shredding the dress I made you and relieving yourself on it.

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Frieza,

You sent me a man--whose head and lower privates I immediately blasted to hell. Hint: not everyone is gay. Again, I must request for you to die as soon as possible.

Prince Vegeta

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My Dear Prince Vegeta,

You killed Cuban Pete? He was my favorite! Aw, shucks. You don't appreciate any of my gifts! I guess I won't bother sending you the bath and body collection I developed, even if the hair gel does work wonders. Speaking of hair, how is yours? Nappa wrote me last week to inform me that you caught your hair on fire. Are you trying to be like bowling-ball head? I should think I would be a much better role model…

Yours sincerely,

Lord Frieza

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Frieza,

This letter will blow up in your face in 1.247 seconds. Owned.

Prince Vegeta

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My Dear Prince Vegeta,

That hideous freak of nature, Kui, had the unfortunate task of sorting through yesterday's mail to get rid of any junk. My associates informed me that he suddenly caught on fire after opening one of the letters addressed to me. While we ate him and saved money on last night's dinner, I am still very peeved that you are probably the culprit. I will be visiting in a few days time to have a heart-to-heart with you.

Yours sincerely,

Lord Frieza

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(Vegeta: Oh, shit.)

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