Title: By the Sword- The Eleventh Division's 20 Rules of Living (and Dying) Like A Thug
Universe: Bleach
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Character/s: Eleventh Division
Word Count: 1,249
Time: Like, an hour and a half? With some breaks in-between to ADD.
Warning/s: No spoilers I can imagine. Just randomness
Summary: How to get by in the Eleventh Division
Dedication: sophiap- I was going through some older fics and rereading the comments (which I do when I'm kind of depressed, it always makes me feel better) and I happened to reread one where you suggested I try 20souls. So I did. Unofficially.
A/N: Silliness, and rampant speculation on my part, but it's good to get back into a thug mindset after trying to write Kyouya and the Twins' evil in character. XD
Disclaimer: Not mine- I'm not that creative.
Distribution: Just lemme know.

1. Greetings

In the eleventh division, the act of warning an opponent consists of attacking and/or destroying a non-vital area on that enemy's person. Losing an arm is the equivalent of someone walking up to you and saying, "Yo, let's rumble." Losing an eye is a little more insulting than that if only due to the fact that in the universal language of thugs, its value as a greeting almost always translates to something along the lines of, "Hi there. I could've killed ya just now, ya stupid fuck."

2. Priorities

To a thug, dying isn't considered as big a tragedy as running out of beer. The logic behind this ordering of priorities is as follows: if you're dead, you definitely don't need anymore beer. But if you're out of beer, obviously, you need more beer. Hence, the tragedy.

3. The High Road

Thuggery has no discrimination based on physical appearances. If a toy poodle beats up a Rottweiler, it's because the toy poodle is more thug than the Rottweiler no matter how fuckin' ridiculous toy poodles look. In a similar vein, if Yumichika beats you up, it's because he's more thug than you.

For those still not following, an example is as follows: if Yumichika reads this, he might beat me up for comparing him to a toy poodle. He is thus more thug than me.

4. Goin' Old School

An eye for an eye is perfectly valid, unless you can get an ear instead. Because while eye-patches look cool, a guy walkin' around with only one goddamned ear is fuckin' hilarious. And a great story.

5. Honor

The difference between killing and murdering is whether or not you can look the other guy in the eye as he dies. Make sure you know his name.

6. Categories

In the eleventh division, calling a fellow division mate "fucker" means you like him (in a manly way).

In the eleventh division, calling an outside division shinigami "fucker" means you might like him. Or you're gonna cut his eye out by way of greeting, depending on whether he took your beer or not.

In the eleventh division, calling a non-shinigami "fucker" is a sign to your fellow division mates that you're gonna beat the shit outta the fucker. Your in-division fucker friends will accordingly position themselves around the room so that the non-shinigami fucker's fucker friends (other fuckers) won't try to fuck with you while you fuck up (or get fucked up by) that first fucker. Capiche?

7. Women

Don't hit 'em. Unless they hit you first, and even when they do, don't hit 'em in the face. 'Cuz as big a bitch as she is for hittin' you first, it's 100 guaranteed that her face is better lookin' than yours, ya ugly fuck.

If she hits you in the balls it's a different story altogether.

8. Daily Life

Do what makes you happy—some asshole could kill you tomorrow, and then what?

9. The Right Choice

If Ikkaku tells you to do something and then Yumichika tells you to do the exact opposite, your best bet is listening to Yumichika.

If Yachiru asks you to do something give her candy and back away real slow like.

10. Battle

Never interfere in someone else's fight. Sometimes dying just happens.

11. Communication

When eleventh division members beat up fourth division members, there's nothing malicious about it. It's simply a thug's way of encouragement.

"Get stronger soon, you weak ass panty-waist, or someone meaner'n me is gonna break ya."

When eleventh division members get their wounds treated by fourth division members and still beat the little guys up, there's nothing malicious about it. It's simply a thug's way of saying thanks.

"I feel tons better, you stupid shit."

It really makes perfect sense when you think about it.

12. Stories

Brag freely.

But back that shit up.

13. Scars

Scars are reminders of the battles you won that cost you more to win than the battles that didn't leave anything behind—they tell you where you fucked up, and when it rains, they might just hurt a little bit so you don't ever forget. Because it's one thing to be willing to die in a fight and it's another thing altogether to be doomed to keep repeating the same idiotic things over and over and over again until they get you killed.

Scars tell you where you fucked up, and they might hurt a little (or a lot) when it rains, to remind you that somehow, despite everything, you're still alive.

14. Pride

Fight for your own sake—it's always more fun if you can smile and mean it when you draw your sword.

15. Training

You can sit around practicing how you're gonna hit fake, stationary targets all day if you want, but the best way to test your own ability will always be going out, finding a Hollow, and figuring out where it is you stand when its jaws are snapping in your face and its claws are raking your chest. There's nothing more convincing than lessons that really hurt, and if you live, you know for sure that you're at least that strong.

If you lose, well, you'll know why that is too. Whether you walk away or not is always a great place to start working from.

16. Tactical

When Yumichika asks, his best feature is always everything.

Even if you're fairly convinced that it's his eyes.

Just say everything.

For serious.

He fights like a wildcat.

17. Hollows

They tell you at the academy to look away after you've killed a Hollow, because underneath that ugly damn mask there's the face of a soul who used to be just like you. They say it's 'cuz they don't want you to see it and remember what that Hollow once was because if you do, you won't be able to kill 'em no more.

Try lookin' right at one of those ugly fuckers one of these days, right before they disappear, and see the face you weren't supposed to remember. They don't have time to say thank you 'cuz they go real quick, but they don't gotta say a damned word if you're really looking at 'em.

For some reason, the sight'll make you wanna go out and kill as many of the big bastards as you can.

18. Paperwork

All you really gotta do for an acceptable report is write your name, what you killed, how many you killed, what time ya killed it at, and where. If the report needs to include any sort of explanation as to why you lost, don't bother sendin' it in, taichou already knows and is in the process of figurin' out a way to make you pay for it, ya freakin' eyesore.

19. Family

Family has shit all to do with blood.

Family is the guy who elbowed you in the gut, planted your face into a pile of dirt and dislodged three of your molars while you drop-kicked him across the yard, broke his nose, and bruised his ribs-- all right before he gave you a hand up and you leaned on one another as you stumbled towards the mess hall together, because you both suddenly remembered that it's your guys' night to set the tables for dinner and you don't want taichou to catch you slacking.

20. Death

When you die, make sure you look the guy who beat you right in the face and tell him your name.