Er. This fic is sort of crack-that-isn't; the premise itself is wha?-inducing, but the piece doesn't milk the situation for what it's worth. :P The piece began as a drabble for The Melting Pot, but it kinda, you know... exploded.

Dilemma
Yet another cracked crossover fic by Mana Angel


It's not often that Xigbar loses his patience, but this afternoon he's beginning to think he's coming dangerously close to it.

Maybe it's the ridiculously bright, flat colors of this world. Maybe it's having to sit around and wait for the keyblade master. Maybe it's the headache he's nursed since getting here finally getting to him.

Actually, he thinks the headache might have only begun the moment they actually ran into some of the world's inhabitants-- and Demyx isn't helping.

"--and so that's what I based it off of," Demyx finishes earnestly. The bear he's been talking to (sky blue, Xigbar thinks, is a fur color that shouldn't exist in nature) nods enthusiastically, like he knows exactly what Demyx is talking about. In fact, despite being bound paw and foot, he probably does.

Xigbar hasn't been paying attention to their conversation, but judging by the other Nobody's excitement and the easily recognizable starving-artist look the bear's got to him, he guesses that it's something about art. Or music. Or possibly both, since Demyx has dragged out his sitar and proceeded to chatter animatedly while gesturing at it. Occasionally, he even strums a chord for emphasis (fortunately, he's got the good sense not to summon water along with the notes-- the less these people know about them, the better).

The younger bears are surreptitiously leaning in to listen. Try as they might to look nonchalant, their curiosity's winning out; Demyx is the proverbial shiny thing that they can't resist looking at, or trying to grab. They're not as oblivious as the blue bear is to the ropes, and shift uncomfortably whenever their limbs begin to cramp-- for the most part, though, they're just as enthralled.

There are two other bears in the clearing that aren't as impressed by Demyx's charm, although the one in the puffy dress (Xigbar doesn't need a heart to know she's got 'maternal' stamped all over her) seems to have accepted that no one's about to string them up and boil them over a fire. The other one, with the green hood and the attitude problem, looks like he's got at least half of Xigbar's headache.

He would be sympathetic, if he could afford to be. Fortunately, he can't. It won't do to start having any tender feelings at this point in the game, after all.

"Xigbar!"

Xigbar manages to refrain from cringing, but only just. Now he remembers why he'd begun having such a headache; having to deal with this particular idiot.

He tactfully tunes out Duke Igthorn whining about gummiberry juice and becoming king of Dun-whatsis-- it's nothing he hasn't heard before (literally). Instead, he turns his attention inwards, anticipating how long it'll take for the bears they had allowed to escape to reach the castle and deliver Igthorn's ultimatum to the king-- and the keyblade bearer waiting there.

Igthorn appears not to notice that what he's saying doesn't have an appreciative audience, but he seems satisfied enough. After a moment, he turns to their captives to begin yet another extended monologue on Just What He Plans To Do When He's King And Has All The Gummiberry Juice He Could Need, Ha Ha Ha.

Xigbar, no longer the object of Igthorn's attentions, grimaces. At least that grovelling midget troll isn't around, or this would be twice as obnoxious on the ears, and far more painful to listen to.

The number of cheap verbal shots that the gummi bears (nothing to do with the whole gummi ship thing, apparently, and Xigbar still can't decide how he feels about that) and Igthorn's lackeys take at each other is a good indicator of how often this has happened before. With the clarity of hindsight, Xigbar now wishes they'd chosen to make contact with the witch instead, for a number of reasons.

"And so when I get my army of Heartless--"

One of them being: Igthorn's mouth is too big for its own good. Xigbar's eyes narrow, but Demyx beats him to the punch. Before the duke can pontificate any longer, he darts forward to give Igthorn a solid nudge in the ribs. Either Demyx's elbow is made of reconstructed steel, or Igthorn's even weedier than he looks, because the hit practically knocks the older man off his feet. Igthorn falls solidly on his rear, wheezing.

Gasp. "Just what do you--" Hack. "--think you're...?"

Demyx ignores the question in favor of wagging a finger in Duke Igthorn's face, grinninh all the while. "Sorry, mister duke, but we've got to save that suprise for later, y'know? It is supposed to be a surprise, after all."

The duke is quick enough to pick up on nasty ideas, even if they're meant as a distraction. While he wanders off to laugh hysterically, leaving the bears to eye his back with some trepidation, Xigbar allows himself to huff in relief. It's lucky Demyx has fairly quick reflexes to make up for Xigbar's current lack of them. The musician acknowledges his nod of approval with a grin, and quickly settles down to start capturing the bears' attention again-- this time, with music.

At some point, Xigbar realizes that the green-hooded bear is glaring at him. Again.

"You're not really from around here, are you." Xigbar shrugs. It's not a question; he doesn't see the need for a response. Honestly, he doesn't see much point in antagonizing the bears-- it would be as satisfying as shouting insults at a stuffed toy. That probably speaks a lot for Igthorn's level of mental maturity, actually.

The bear harrumphs, muzzle wrinkling into a snarl. "If you think we're going to tell you anything after what you did, Ziggi--"

"It's Xigbar, actually." He knew he shouldn't have let Demyx come up with that name.

"--or Xigbar, or whatever your name is-- well, you've got another think coming!"

There's a barely-repressed snort off to the side, jolting the melody of the notes slightly off-rhythm, and Xigbar resists the urge to make a face in Demyx's direction. The other Nobody's still keeping the other bears' minds busy, and not off escape, so it wouldn't do to distract him.

"Don't worry," he drawls instead. "You haven't got anything we want."

Another snort, but this time it's from the matronly bear, who clearly can't believe that's true. Xigbar thinks he can guess why; he supposes they're used to having humans chasing after them for their fabled strength potion, or whatever it is. Personally, he thinks gravity's more than enough to get people to see things his way-- they can be remarkably cooperative while their skulls are being plastered to the floor, after all.

"Don't worry," Xigbar repeats. "This'll be short and sweet, so just sit back-- and keep your traps shut," he adds, as an afterthought.

"Geez. He's gruffy-er than Gruffi is." Great; it's the pipsqueak bear talking, the one who'd jabbed a wooden sword in Xigbar's hamstring. He's not speaking too loudly though, so he can't be that eager to get his attention.

"Yeah," the teenager chirps, lemon-yellow fur bobbing as she tilts her head. "Is he always this grumpy?"

The direct inquiry makes Demyx pause, and his sitar falls silent after the last vibrations of the strings halt. "Well, no," he says, after a moment. "It's just, well..."

He lowers his voice to speak in a stage whisper, and the bears lean in, ears pricking forward.

"...I think he's kind of mad he got turned into a bear and that I didn't."

Xigbar scowls.


God, nothing happens in this fic. I lose. The idea was that 'Ziggi' had showed up to trick the Gummi Bears into A Trap Only The Genius Of Igthorn Could Conceive Of, and, well, weird things happened from there. The keyblade master in this instance isn't necessarily Sora, of course.

If I at least made you lawl with at least the idea of the crossover, then my mission is complete. Xigbar's kind of cranky, but then again, I'd be cranky too. XD I decided to go with 'you've got another think' because it just sounds... funnier. :P

THE DAY THAT SOMEONE WRITES A KH2/THUNDERCATS OR KH2/SMURF CROSSOVER, I MAY DIE. Or hell, KH2/Stone Protectors, a.k.a. that one about the crappy rockband tha turns into trolls. TROLLS. (Moment of shame: I loved that show as a kid. I had a crush on the drummer, and the one with skates was The Paragon of Cool. :)