Title: I Am Tired Of Feeling Nothing, Goodbye
Author: Kaytee BroodyLeytons
Disclaimer: Nothing. Not even the song.
Summary: SongFic. About Peyton. Mainly her thoughts after S3 finale. Sorry if it isn't that great. I came up with the idea late last night and went with it.
It had been two hours since Brooke said her farewell words and left Peyton all by her lonesome self. Peyton knew she deserved it. She could have kept her big mouth shut and not said anything to Brooke. She was scared; scared that maybe Jake was right. Maybe she did still love Lucas on some subconscious level. That didn't mean that Peyton wanted to be with him. She still couldn't believe how fast everything happened; the slap, the yelling, the closure. It was like the last time, minus that bitch slap.
Peyton groaned. She, like Brooke, didn't like the fact that there was a last time. She had almost lost her friend that time, now she lost her forever it seemed. Peyton would like to think that maybe Brooke would retract the claws and forgive her, but Peyton knew better. Brooke was hurt once and she was hurt terribly; there was no hope in friendship with B. Davis again.
Peyton sank to the floor at the sound of her last thought. No more B. Davis and P. Sawyer. She felt the warmth of tears stinging her eyes. She quickly shut them not wanting to cry again. She had turn into such a cry baby the last couple of months. Given her mother did die and all…
Fading everything to black and blue
You look a lot like you
She couldn't grasp the fact the Ellie died. Just as things began to actually smooth out between them. It didn't seem fair. And Peyton began to blame herself for that. She couldn't just let her damn guard down for her own mother! All she could think of was that she could have really gotten to know Ellie; hell she knew she had the chance.
She used what little strength she had to raise herself up off the floor. She let her feet take her into the bathroom where she washed some cold water on her face. She clasped the sink and let a few tears run down her cheek. She wiped them away with the back of her trembling hand when they began to tickle her chin. She sniffed a little and looked at herself in the mirror. She frowned at her demeanor. Her make up was long gone and was replaced with red, puffy eyes; the result of the annoying never ending crying. She almost looked intoxicated with the glazed over eyes from the crying. And her hair didn't look like it did when Bevin's mother dolled it up before the wedding. Loose strands hung around her face. Her nose was painted the color of her walls. And the bridesmaid dress she was wearing was much wrinkled. She suddenly got incredibly irritated that she was still in the god forsaken dress. She understood why she hated it, it wasn't her. It was Brooke. Brooke made it so that SHE would look good.
She wasn't Peyton Sawyer anymore. She had morphed into something that destroyed everything good around itself.
"And you'd think I'd learn."
Peyton said to her reflection. Peyton couldn't take it anymore, the pain and suffering was beginning to get unbearable and she couldn't hold up to it anymore. Her body started to shudder and rock at the welcoming of fresh tears. She never cried this hard in her life, maybe once, when her mom died. She felt like she couldn't catch up to her breath. She kept running after it but never once came close to it. She realized she might be having a panic attack. Peyton let go and let the tears cover her cheeks. She couldn't go back and fix her mistakes but maybe she could stop them from haunting her.
Shatter in the blink of an eye
You keep sailing right on through
Peyton reached behind her back and unzipped the dress in one slick motion. She let it fall down to her ankles before she bent down to grab it. She then proceeded to ball it up and throw it as hard as she could across her room. After feeling a little better about throwing it and pretending it was Brooke's face, she returned to the mirror. She was now almost naked with her strapless white bra and thong. She thought she would feel beautiful but she ended up feeling like a 'two faced bitch' looking into the mirror. She roughly took out her pearl earrings and released her hair. With all the damn hairspray her hair felt dirty.
Peyton felt tired but she also felt dirty and gross. She opts for a shower instead of some sleep. As she took off her bra she also began the warm water. After undressing she tested the water to make sure it was just right. Thinking it was okay she stepped inside the dimly lit shower. Regret and pain took over her there. All her thoughts came crashing into her like a plane hitting the ground. Brooke, Lucas, Jake, Ellie, Her Dad. She couldn't stop hurting people and causing them pain. With Brooke she let her down not once but twice. She couldn't get her heart in the right place with Lucas or Jake. She wasted precious time with her birth mother Ellie. And Peyton was constantly disappointing her father whether he knew or not. Peyton came out of her inner ramblings to feel piercing cold water hitting her pale skin. She shivered and quickly washed her hair.
Every time you say you're learning
You just look a lot like me
Pale under the blistering sky
She was happy to turn the facet off and get out of the cold shower. But she was thinking straight when she did and slipped on the wet tile outside the shower. Not able to grab onto anything fast enough she fell. On the way down she must have hit the side of the bath tub because her head stung a little. Luckily there was no blood.
"Geez Sawyer, keep your head on straight." She cursed herself for her clumsiness.
She walked out of her bathroom, completely forgetting that her web cam was on, and began to undress. She picked out a pair of black skin think pants and a black tank with paint stains plastered across it. Peyton let out a long sigh. She was finally comfortable.
Peyton walked absentmindedly over to her computer desk and sat down. She picked up her sketch pad and closed her eyes, waiting for a brilliant idea for a drawing. She remembered the dress and got an idea. She began drawing an outline of a bid mirror. Outside the mirror she drew herself in that red dress, her arms were crossed. She colored in the dress a deep red and left her skin white. Then she started on her reflection. She looked the same except her skin was blue and her dress was black. That was exactly how she felt at the moment. Black and Blue.
White and red
Black and blue
You've been waiting a long time
Peyton heard a faint knock on her door so she turned around, desperately wanting to know how wanted to actually see her. She should have known it was Lucas. He always came through for her.
"I just thought I would tell you that you stripped naked for about one million people. Don't worry I covered my monitor." Lucas put his hands in front of him.
Peyton rolled her eyes. "Its kinda funny, kinda creepy, that you still do that. Does perfect steppord wife Brooke Davis know this information?" Peyton cocked an eyebrow to show she wasn't joking.
"No. But who cares, you're still my friend." Lucas smiled that damn smile that made Peyton go flying.
"Friends huh?" Peyton mumbled to herself. He just wants to my friend Peyton. I just lost my best friend and Jake over a stupid "might have been".
Lucas noticed her troublesome face and squinted at her. She seemed paler than usual and thinner. "Hey, you okay? I didn't see you at the hospital."
Peyton looked up at Lucas. She became very angry. "Yeah I am just peachy. I did go to the hospital but you were too wrapped up in your girlfriend to notice. Some friend you must be huh?"
Lucas was taken aback by her attitude. She always seemed to be much calmer around him. "What the hell has gotten into you Peyt?"
"Don't call me Peyt!" Peyton yelled.
"Because! I don't want you to!" Peyton screamed and then the tears came out. "Brooke called me that. She was my best friend Luke." She fell to the ground again.
Luke felt sorry for her. "I am sorry Peyton. I am so sorry that I came between you two again." Lucas walked over to the broken Peyton and sat in front of her and took her face in his hands. He wiped a few tears away and rubbed her shoulder.
Peyton didn't like Lucas being there and seeing her weak. "Lucas just go. Please." She closed her eyes. When she opened them he was gone.
You've been waiting a long time
To fall down on your knees
Cut your hands
She cried even harder and walked over to the full length mirror. She hated her reflection. It looked like the one earlier. She brought her arm up and made a fist. She put all her pain and anger into it and punched the mirror. She watched her mirror crack and began to fall to pieces. She saw her reflection go with. When it was done, she didn't see herself anymore. What was left was a mere cardboard backing.
Her hand felt numb. Peyton's eyes grew big when she saw her hand; it looked like she stuck it down the garbage disposal. She ran over to her sink and rinsed off the blood. She hated herself for being so careless. She was never careless. Peyton was more at ease when she saw that her hands weren't as bad as they were when they were bloody. She put some Neosporin on the cuts and bandaged it up.
Cut yourself until you bleed
Fall asleep next to me
Wait for everyone to go away
And in a dimly lit
room where you've got nothing to hide
Peyton began to feel out of place in Tree Hill. She wanted to leave it behind with along her mistakes. So she grabbed a couple pieces of paper and started writing.
I am sorry things ended like this. I never wanted to take Lucas from you, I would never dream of it. I just wish you would get that.
I wanted to be honest this time, because the last time I wasn't. I was scared that if I wasn't honest with you that it would blow up in my face again. If I would have known that you would react to it like you did and dismiss me as your best friend, I would have kept it buried.
I realize now that I don't want Lucas. And I am not just saying that to try and maybe get you back. I really mean it. And I know the truth doesn't come much from me but I thought you should at least know.
I am leaving Tree Hill. I can't stay here and be alone. It almost killed me once and I can't go through it again. Yeah Yeah I know, pretty damn selfish. But when is it time that one should start thinking for themselves. And who really cares, I have no one anymore. Not even you and I thought Best Friends Were Forever. Guess that Bros was Over Hos.
I just wanted to give you a formal goodbye without a bitch fight face to face. This way I can protect my face and my heart.
Goodbye Brooke Penelope Davis.
I love you and will forever, whether you're my best friend or enemy.
Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer
Peyton folded the letter up and shoved it into an envelope. She neatly wrote Brooke's name across the front. She didn't know exactly where Brooke was staying so she took out on the town to find her car.
Say your goodbyes
Tell yourself we'll read
a note that says
I'm sorry everyone
I'm tired of feeling nothing goodbye
After finding Brooke's car at Karen's Café she went back home to write another letter.
To Whom It May Concern,
I have tried. I have always done the best I could, strived for the best. And for what? Nothing. A burned cheek and tattered soul.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
I can't be strong here, too many memories and too many broken promises.
If these walls could talk, boy would they have some stories. They have seen me cry, yell, smile and frown. They have seen me do good things and they have seen me do bad things. I am an open show for them. It is almost like my web cam.
I can't feel anymore. And I don't want to remember the feeling I once had. That feeling was depressing. But staying here in Tree Hill seems to keep me binded to that icky feeling.
I don't know where I will be going. And I will not tell once I do.
Goodbye to all and have a wonderful life.
This was P. Sawyer and I am signing off. For good.
Wash your face
Dry your eyes
Cause you've been waiting a long time
You've been waiting a long long time
She packed her things up and turned off her light. She said goodbye to her room of 18 years and walked out.
She climbed into her car and pulled out of her driveway. Peyton decided to turn the radio on and smiled when she heard what song was playing. She could tell her new life was going to be amazing as she drove on the highway headed for New York City.
To fall down on your knees
Cut your hands
Cut yourself until you bleed
But fall asleep next to me
Have a dream I'm falling down
On my face
Scrape my knees
Scrape my hands until they bleed
Cause you're fast asleep next to me
Next to me