A/N: Okay… this came out a lot more angsty than I was intending. There are many theories as to why Ryuichi is such an odd mixture of 'cuppycake', 'vocal god' and coldness and which he really is. I suppose this is my theory. It's slightly Ryuichi x Shuichi because it's obvious that Ryuichi shows plenty of signs of being fond of Shuichi, in one way or another. And as for those who've seen pages 13-17 of Track 61, well, I'm sure you can understand my thoughts... Please don't forget to review!

Disclaimer: Sadly, neither Gravitation nor Ryuichi belong to me.


I'm far from normal. Very far. Some even say I have three faces, each as extreme as the last. Sometimes I smile and laugh at everything. I like shiny things and things that sparkle! Sparkly stuff is fun, na no da! Some mean people say I'm stupid but I'm not stupid, and sometimes they say I'm immature, or, if they're feeling good and are all laughter and smiles, at those times, I'm adorable. I have Kumagoro and he's my best friend. He tells people things they need to know and cheers me up when I'm sad. I don't like being sad. I like it when things are all happy and sparkly and I like it best when I'm singing.

When I'm singing, I've heard it said that I'm a completely different person. I've been called sexy, mature, a vocalist touched by God. So different. And the strange thing is, I feel all of these things. Then the world just vanishes and it's just me, singing, my soul reaching up to the highest peaks, above the earth and across the stars, defying the dimensions of space and time. It's just me, singing, for me, to the world, to everything that lives. The people listening gradually fade away, their joy and their tears fuelling me somewhere in my subconscious mind.

And then there's that other part of me. The part I'm afraid of. It's the part that hurts people, it's the part that thinks and says cruel and painful words. Dark thoughts, so very far from shining and sparkling; a black fire, all consuming, selfish and demanding, controlling and forceful, cold and hard. Eyes like dark pebbles, sharpened by a glaze of ice. I hurt people when I get like this. I hate it but I can't help it. I have to hide. I have to run. And so I do, I run far inside myself and hide until he's finished. It's hard to believe that he is part of me.

Most people feel these things. Most people know what it is to act your shoe size and not your age, to love life and to feel your soul soaring with every breath you take. And most people have felt darkness and hate, anger, bitterness, jealousy. They've felt the desire to inflict pain and watch as they suffer. They know what it is to want to hurt those you love because they've hurt you. But most people don't lose control of this part of their mind. Most people are one person; they are never controlled by each person at a time but all at once, the different people sometimes suppressed and sometimes stronger. But not me.

I can't help it. The world is such a dangerous place, I tried to fight and I was torn apart. I hid from my problems behind the angel's face, freed myself with the voice of a god and released my pain by hurting others. I can't control these people. They take me over. Whenever the feelings become too strong I hide, hoping the real me would lie concealed and safe behind my masks. My faces, my three different faces. But who is the real me? I don't know anymore.

One person, only one person has brought out all three in me. I saw him smile and he made me smile with him, I saw him sing I wanted to sing with him and another time, I heard him and it made me hate him and hurt him. The first time, the very first time I saw him, he stood there, frozen, staring with wide, startled eyes across the sea of faces, vulnerable, hurting, bleeding inside. I reached out to him in the only way I could; I sang. We sang together and I remembered what it was to let my soul fly. For three years it had lain dormant; solo singing wasn't enough to make me sing inside because I was so lonely.

But then he brought out another part of me. I heard him singing and it didn't reach. It didn't touch me, and I was filled with anger. Hate, cold, black eyed rage. I felt betrayed. His heart wasn't in it and so he broke mine. For a few minutes he shattered it and then I shattered his. I broke him and took away his only comfort. I took away his ability to sing, I tore out his voice. I wanted to tell him how he had hurt me so much, why I had to hurt him, but I couldn't find the words. For once in my life, I couldn't find the words. And then, when he came to me, in pain and in confusion, I couldn't face him. I hid behind a laughing face and hugged him and tried to make him smile. I tried to explain. In a twisted, child-like way I showed him with coloured wax crayons what it was to truly sing, hoping he would understand how and why. Eventually I looked into his eyes and explained simply. That serious face lasted only a moment. It was all I could do. Once more I raised the mask and laughed; shadowed by the parody of a real personality.

I guess you could call me a coward. I suppose I am. But life hurts when you stumble through it with innocent eyes, shuttered with illusions which only fall and shatter at your feet. So I hide; lose myself in the solitude of my mind, present my three faces to the world and its people. Better to pretend that life is all sparkles and smiles than really believe it is. That way, when the dream breaks, it only hurts on the surface. You may think I have it all; a career that make me feel free, wealth and fame, an image that inspires the broken, a voice that reaches the lonely. But as I dance behind my faces in a twisted masquerade I realise that I am lacking one thing, the most important thing; the one thing that truly makes life shiny and sparkly. I'm missing him. Despite having three others to keep me company, somehow, I feel so alone.

So alone.

Well, that was cheerful. I think I need chocolate... Please review!

For those of you wondering 'what about pages 13-17 in Track 61?' go to geocities and search for sailorspazz. Follow the boys love shack link near the bottom and then go to scans. Finally, all praise sailorspazz for sharing such wonders!