Chapter 5: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

Kitsune cartwheels onto the stage, backflips, does a handspring, and jumps . . . landing promptly on her ass. She grimaces, rubbing the sore spot. Spotting the camera, she waves and stands up. She glances both ways (left and right) before smiling, nervously.

"Hi guys." she says, "Uh, I had planned for Ed and the Fullmetal Band to be playing, but they got a little caught up. So, uh, our replacement band tonight will be the Homunculi!" An old fashioned microphone slides in, and she grabs it. The lights have dimmed and a bright white spotlight (hey, that rhymed!) is on her. She has her eyes closed and her head tilted down, dramatically.

"On the drums . . ." she announces, slowly. "GLUTTONY!"

Gluttony from Fullmetal Alchemist sits at a black drumset with the Homunculus sign in silver in the middle of it (I think it's called the Obnoculus sign or something beginning with 'O', but whatever). He looks at it, confusedly, scratches his bald head, and turns to look at Lust, offstage. "Can I eat it, Lust?"

Lust scowls. "Not yet, Gluttony. After the song is over, you can."

Gluttony claps his hands together, a big grin appearing on his face. "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" Lust rolls her eyes.

"Uh, considering that Sloth is too lazy to be here right now, playing the guitar, ENVY!" Kitsune exclaims. Envy has a black guitar with the silver Homunculus sign on the lower corner of it. He sneers at the camera.

"On the other guitar, GREED!"

Greed stands on the other side of the stage, with the same guitar as Envy, glancing at Envy's (and wanting it. He is Greed, after all. He can't have enough. I don't know if that's how he actually acts, though. I'm only up to volume 6 in the manga. He's not in there, yet.).

"On bass is WRATH!"

Wrath stands near Envy, with the same guitar, except for the fact that it is a bass. He glances, forlornly, to the side.

"And, vocals . . ." Kitsune says, "PRIDE!" She runs offstage as Pride walks on. He glances at the other Homunculi before nodding.

"Turn it up some," he says.

Gluttony starts a beat. Pride glances at Envy.

"Alright boy,

This is her favorite song, you know that, right?

So if we play it good and loud,

She might get up and dance again."

Envy starts to tap a few notes on his guitar. Pride glances over at Lust, who shakes her head. She'd already refused to dance before all of this had begun. Kitsune glances up from the bar, sighs, puts her drink down and stands, walking over to the dance floor. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

Pride

Oh, she put her beer down

Here she comes, here she comes

Pride

Left, left, left, right, left

Whoo

Pride

Hustlers shootin' 8 ball

Throwin' darts at the wall

Feelin' that they're ten-feet tall

Here she comes, Lord help us all

Pride

Ol' T-W's girlfriend done slapped him out his chair

Poor ol' boy, it ain't his fault, it's so hard not to stare

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

At that honky tonk badonkadonk

Pride

Keepin' perfect rhythm, make you wanna swing along

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong

Pride and Envy

And, whoo-ee—

Pride

Shut my mouth, slap your grandma

Pride and Envy

There oughtta be a law

Get the sheriff on the phone

Lord have mercy

How'd she even get them britches on?

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

That honky tonk badonkadonk

Kitsune turns and glares at Pride. He grins, nervously.

Pride

Oh, sorry

Pride

Now, honey, you can't blame her

For what her Mama gave her

It ain't right to hate her

For workin' that money-maker

Pride

Band shuts down at 2, but we're hangin' out 'til 3

Pride and Envy

We hate to see her go, but love to watch her leave

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

With that honky tonk badonkadonk

Pride and Envy

Keepin' perfect rhythm, make you wanna swing along

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong

Pride and Envy

And, whoo-ee—

Pride

Shut my mouth, slap your grandma

Pride and Envy

There oughtta be a law

Get the sheriff on the phone

Lord have mercy

How'd she even get them britches on?

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

With that honky tonk badonkadonk

Pride

Oh, that's what I'm talkin' about right there

Greed goes into a guitar solo.

Pride

We don't care about the drinkin'

Barely listen to the band

Our hands just start to shakin'

When she gets the urge to dance

Pride and Envy

Drivin' everybody crazy,

You'd think you fell in love

Boy, you better keep your distant

You can look but you can't touch

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

That honky tonk badonkadonk

Pride and Envy

Keepin' perfect rhythm, make you wanna swing along

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong

Pride and Envy

And, whoo-ee—

Pride

Shut my mouth, slap your grandma

Pride and Envy

There oughtta be a law

Get the sheriff on the phone

Lord have mercy

How'd she even get them britches on?

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

That honky tonk badonkadonk

Pride

That honky tonk badonkadonk

Pride, Envy, and Wrath

Yeah, that honky tonk badonkadonk

Envy and Wrath

(That honky tonk badonkadonk)

Pride

Now you see it right there boys,

That's why we do what we do

It ain't for the money, it ain't for the glory

Envy and Wrath

(That honky tonk badonkadonk)

Pride

It ain't for the free whiskey

It's for the . . . badonkadonk

Envy and Wrath

(That honky tonk badonkadonk)

Fade out

The song ends. The audience cheers. Somewhere in the audience, Ed has to be held back by Alphonse. Kitsune glares at him after she's done dancing. "Why didn't you come here with your band, huh?"

Ed snaps to reality, and begins to shout, unintelligebley.

Meanwhile, onstage, Pride and Greed are soaking up all the glory, Envy has already wandered off somewhere, Sloth is still nowhere to be found, Wrath is sulking, and Gluttony has already eaten the drumset and is staring at Kitsune, hungrily. He turns to Lust, pointing to Kitsune.

"Hey, Lust, can I eat that?"

Kitsune looks at him, shocked. "I am NOT a that, I am a Kitsune!"

Lust sighes. "Whatever."

Gluttony rubs his hands together and stares down at Kitsune. She gulps and runs REEEEAAALLLLY fast. In the opposite direction, of course. Gluttony gives chase, and Jeremy walks onstage.

"Uh, while that's being cleared up, remember to review and send in your thoughts. By the way, I forced Kitsune to dance! Ha! I made her SUFFER!" He cheers.

"You WHAT????" Kaonashi screams, demonically, appearing behind Jeremy. Jeremy turns and gets grabbed by the newly-transformed NoFace. "You made her suffer??"

"Uh, I, um . . . uh, LOOK! Your mate is gonna be eaten by somebody who isn't you!" Jeremy points offstage, at Kitsune, who is still running from Gluttony.

"NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!!!!" she screams, still running.

NoFace gasps, turns, dropping Jeremy. "WHAT?" He quickly runs and gives chase to Gluttony. "YOU FIEND! GET AWAY FROM MY MATE!"

Jeremy fingers his throat, gasping for breath and looking at NoFace, critically. He grumbles, pussing a button on a remote control. "Be sure to review and give us suggestions." The camera then shuts off.