Title: It's a Tough
Job but You Killed Somebody to Do It
Characters: Kenpachi + Yachiru
Rating: PG for language
Summary: Even badasses have to put up with bureaucratic BS.
A great day for Zaraki Kenpachi was when he could feel the blood coursing through his veins in the heat of battle. A good day was when he was training his men or just watching the clouds with Yachiru. Today was far from great, good, or even decent. Instead he was stuck in his office sitting on his desk looking down at a completely unexpected visitor: a squirrelly administrative assistant from Records.
"Didn't you get the memo?"
"What memo?" the large spiky-haired man asked.
"The performance review memo?"
Zaraki shook his head in confusion and irritation. "What do I need that for and what the hell is it?"
The man seated before him sighed theatrically. "It's like a progress report. You tell us how each of your men are doing in regards to their training, soul burial quotas…"
The pencil pusher was interrupted by a very rude sound. The small pink-haired girl perched on the 11th Division captain's shoulder gave him a raspberry.
"They need to make a 14th Division, right, Ken-chan?" she asked brightly. "Whose specialty is asking all sorts of dumb questions!"
"Sounds like a good idea. The 4th Division would finally have someone to pick on." Kenpachi chuckled at the imagery.
"Ken-chan, you're so funny!" his second in command exclaimed. This made her old friend feel good despite the fact that the annoying man was still there.
"As far as my division is concerned they're all strong guys. I wouldn't keep any losers!" he said in a tone daring the quivering man to say anything otherwise.
"Yes, I understand, Captain Zaraki, b-but we need that in writing!" The smaller man clasped his writing tablet to his chest as if that would protect him should the violent man decide to strike him.
The twinkling of bells was a sign of the Captain's growing ire as he shook his head sharply.
"Screw that! There's like a hundred of 'em. I'm not gonna waste my time, writin' on no goddamn paper! I told you they were all right guys and that should be good enough."
"Yeah!" the small girl yelled, "And you're giving Ken-chan a headache! It's time for you to leave!"
The surge in spirit force coming from the Captain and his adjunct was enough to make the administrative assistant want to run home crying but he still had a job to do.
"Vice Captain," he started in his most officious tones but he was interrupted again.
"Maki-Maki! Get in here right now!"
It was only a matter of seconds before the rice paper door opened and a man with slicked back hair and an oily expression came rushing inside.
"Yes, Vice Captain? How can I be of assistance?"
"We need you to take out some garbage," she ordered while pointing to the secretary.
"I'll get on it right away, ma'am." The sound of him unsheathing his sword made the uninvited guest cower.
Captain Zaraki looked on with approval.
"Maki-Maki, do you always clean up trash with a sword?" the deceptively sweet-looking girl-child asked.
"No," he thought for a moment, "sometimes I use a broom?"
"Yes, use that instead so there won't be blood on the floor, okay, Maki-Maki!"
"G-good thinking, Vice Captain, ma'am." He ran to the supply closet he was very familiar with due to all his times on janitorial duty.
Yachiru giggled in Kenpachi's ear. "Maki-Maki makes me laugh!" She laughed even harder when Aramaki returned and started bopping the secretary with the bathroom broom.
"Stop! Please stop! It smells funny!"
The sight before him was so ridiculous that Kenpachi doubled over with laughter. Yachiru had to make sure she had a good grip or she would've fallen off of her friend's back.
"Get the hell out of here you annoying bastard!" Kenpachi ordered between laughs.
Maki-Maki continued to bash the man upside his head. Even when low ranking officer and the "trash" were outside of headquarters, the 11th Division could still hear the man yelling.
"Oooh, what's this brown stuff on my white robes? You haven't heard the last of this!"
Kenpachi turned to his Vice-Captain and said, "Maybe today isn't gonna be that bad after all. Hmm, Yachiru?
She leaned into him and
The Next Day
"Um… yeah, about those performance reviews…"
"What the hell is going on now?" Kenpachi asked when he saw the bruised secretary accompanied by a younger, fresh-faced one.
"Sir, this paperwork needs to be done. It affects how the funding will be distributed among the Thirteen Squads. We're already behind schedule," the man said impatiently.
"As long as I've been Captain, I've never filled out one of these things."
"Yes, we know!" the previously abused secretary said in exasperation.
Kenpachi tsked. "I'm not sure if I like your tone."
A light voice issued out behind him, "I know I don't!" Yachiru climbed up so she could look over her oldest friend's shoulder.
"Oh no. Not you again!"
"Hey, that's my line isn't it, Ken-chan?"
"If I killed you two right now, would I have to worry about any more of those reports?" Kenpachi asked darkly.
"Sir, if you killed the two of us, four more would just be at your door tomorrow," the younger of the two secretaries said. Kenpachi disliked bureaucracy but at least the younger one had some balls.
As entertaining as slaying these two would be just to vent the frustration they caused, having to do it day after day with more of these weaklings would lose it's novelty quickly.
He sighed. "If I do these I won't have to see any of you bastards for a long time to come, right."
"Absolutely. We don't enjoy inconveniencing you or the other captains, Sir."
The men left but not before handing Kenpachi a large stack of blank forms. "How can the other Captains stand doing this shit?" he thought.
He walked through the corridors daring any of his men giving him strange looks to say anything about the papers in his hands.
When he reached his office he put the stack on the corner of his large desk. A light breeze coming from the window disturbed the papers and some went flying. Yachiru quickly jumped off of his back and grabbed them before any could hit the ground. She handed the recovered sheets to Kenpachi.
"You're getting quicker," the girl's role model complimented.
Kenpachi reached into one of his robe's inner pockets and pulled out a rough stone in a rich shade of blue that Yachiru once gave him during one of their walks. He placed it on top of the stack of papers.
He sighed. "I hate to pin this on you but I guess we need to get this done."
Yachiru heard the "we" and asked, "You want me to help you?"
"Yeah, you know everybody's names." Kenpachi gave her one of his wolfish grins.
"But so do you, Ken-chan," she thought. What she said aloud was, "Oh, okay," but not with her usual enthusiasm.
She already knew this
was going to be super boring. "It's much funner when I can draw
pictures," she thought as she looked at her previous works of art
that lined one of the office's walls.
Word got around the 11th Division. It had been a long time since they've even heard mention of performance reports.
The evaluations would start from the top down.
"Uh, what's your name again?" he asked wearing a goofy grin.
"Oooh! So mean! You know what my name is! You're the one who gave it to me!"
He chuckled and quickly filled out the form, checking the box for "outstanding service" and leaving the comment, "Best VC a person could ask for."
"You're all done. Go and get Ikkaku."
Before she walked out the room she jumped up and looked at what her friend wrote about her. When she finished reading the comment she hugged her lifelong companion around his thick neck. "Thanks Ken-chan!"
She bounced cheerfully to the door.
A/N: I love the 11th division! Even though they are crazy as hell I think they're the most cohesive squad and everyone really cares about each other. I also think that Kenpachi and Yachiru's affection for one another is one of the sweetest things in the whole series. They are so adorable and a great team with no navigation skills. It's hard to reconcile Zaraki being called Ken-chan but coming from Yachiru it works.
Everyone keeps their jobs though I can see Yumichika having some hopes.
Yumichika: Ikkaku, if you lose your job I can take the 3rd seat and not feel guilty about it. hearts
Ikkaku: Shut up, you!