NOTICE 4/30/2008 - FFnet's formating issue fixed. (Still working to make dividers consistent.)

Final Edit: 1/2008
Story Title: "The Mating Frenzy", Author: MSkyDragons, Publish Date: 7-24-06, Completed: 11-22-07, Type: Humor
Rated: M mainly for rampant innuendo, suggestive dialogue, and bits of language here and there.
See original below A/N for info.

Author's notes: This is my first Naruto fic, I usually write Trigun humor fics, but this idea popped into my head. Please be kind.

Story note: This fic takes place after Tsunade has become Hokage, but before Sasuke runs off to Orochimaru…this may or may not result in time discrepancies later on in this fic.

Pairings: Probably every single conceivable(ha) het pairing will be explored. Yaoi will not be involved since it would be counter-productive(haha). Though, yaoi hints/jabs are possible, i.e. if so-and-so ninja wonders why so-and-so doesn't seem so enthused with "making babies" with so-and-so.

Warnings: This is NOT a smut/lemon/rabid sex fic as the title may suggest. This is T. Not R, people. There will be juicy innuendo though...and smut behind the scenes. This is a total crack fic. Expect silliness; Embrace the insanity.

o o o

Tsunade looked around the room of her Hokage office. The many shinobi of the leaf village that she had called into the office were staring at her intently, wondering why the emergency meeting had been called. Nearly every single ninja was there: genins, chuunins, jounins, and even a few ANBU.

Naruto could barely keep himself still.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto whispered, "What's going on? Why did our mission get canceled?"

Kakashi shrugged.

"Er…" Naruto scrunched up his face. Sasuke glared at Naruto with annoyance. Sakura sighed.

Asuma leaned over to Kakashi and whispered into his ear.

"My team's missions were canceled also, as well as Kurenai's and Gai's. Nearly all the missions seem to have been canceled."

"Hmmm…" Kakashi said.

Suddenly, Tsunade stood up and cleared her throat, signaling the whispering to stop. All the shinobis gave their Hokage their full attention.

"I have called you all to this meeting to explain why all non-emergency missions have been temporarily canceled," Tsunade began, "and to issue a special S-class priority mission to every single ninja in Konoha…"

There were several looks of surprise and curiosity in the audience of ninja crammed together in the Hokage's office.

"Every single ninja?" a random jounin repeated.

"Yes," Tsunade continued, "How can I explain this…Well, it's no secret that Konoha is in trouble population wise. So many of our people have been killed off in recent conflicts that there are continually fewer and fewer children that reach the entry level of the ninja academy…By my calculations, after the attacks by Orochimaru, the Sound, and the Sand at the chuunin exam, the next generation of ninjas will be down 85 percent...but of course, I'm no mathematician…"

Tsunade took a dramatic pause, "It will be the death of Konoha."

In turn there were some dramatic looks from the audience.

"Don't look so down," Tsunade smiled, "I have a rather simple, yet logical solution…by way of the S-class mission."

There were some hopeful and interested looks among the ninjas, as they hung onto each and every word Tsunade uttered, her breasts bouncing up and down.

"Your mission is…" Tsunade leaned on her desk dramatically.

The shinobis leaned closer and listened intently—except for Kakashi who had gone back to looking at his questionable reading material. Plus the ANBU were in the back playing rock-paper-scissors.

"Your mission, effective immediately, is to pair off, and start making babies as if you were rabbits high off the heat of the mating season."

Tsunade smiled at the obvious cleverness of her plan.

A few jaws dropped to the floor. Kakashi blinked. Iruka stammered. Jiraiya began to giggle pervertedly. Naruto looked confused. Gai suddenly began to smile and jumped forward giving the thumbs up.

"Ah yes, Hokage-sama! What a grand mission!" Gai's teeth sparkled, "I cannot wait to spread my seeds of youthfulness to the youthful women of Konoha! We shall all embrace our youthfulness together!"

Gagging sounds erupted from several ninja in the back as Gai began to trail off, "I don't know why I didn't think of this before…"

Tsunade waited for Gai's outburst to die down before she spoke again.

"Any questions?"

Kakashi turned to see Naruto jumping up and down waving his hand in the air. Kakashi sweat-dropped. This couldn't be good.

"Yes, Naruto?" Tsunade called out to him.

Naruto scrunched up his face and opened his big mouth.

"I don't understand the mission!" Naruto yelled loud enough for every shinobi in the room to hear, "What does 'pairing off' have to do with making babies? Don't you have to get married to have babies? What do you mean 'make' babies? I don't get it!" Naruto whined.

Tsunade and every other mature person in the room sweat-dropped. Oh dear.

"Oy, Hokage-sama," Kakashi said as he noticed similar confused faces among the young genins and a certain chuunin, "I think it is important to note that some of the young nin here seem to have not received the whole 'birds and bees' talk."

Tsunade sighed.

Naruto looked up at Kakashi, "…the what?"

"This is only a minor setback," Tsunade said turning to Kakashi, Asuma, Gai, Kurenai, and their teams, "You four, take care of it."


"Take them wherever and explain to them the facts of life."

Kakashi blinked. Asuma looked horrified as his cigarette fell to the floor. Gai smiled and sparkled. Meanwhile, Kurenai checked out Kakashi, Asuma, and Gai.

"Everyone else in the room is dismissed. There will be another meeting later where I will explain more, to the males and females separately." Tsunade said as she left. She didn't want to reveal all the juicy details of their mission right off.

And with that, everybody went on their way, leaving Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and Gai to look down at their students' curious and disinterested stares.

o o o

The "Talk"

o o o

(Kakashi's way)

o o o

(In a shimmering green field in the middle of nowhere…)

"And so then, when the woman and the man love each other very much," Kakashi smiled mischievously under his mask, "This happens!"

Kakashi turned to the next page in Come Come Paradise, and held it up for Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke to see.

Naruto's eyes were so wide they were about to bug out. Sasuke was twitching uncontrollably as blood trickled down his nose. Sakura had a silent scream on her face as she was quickly turning blue.

Kakashi giggled and turned a few pages, and held up the book again, "And here's what 'making babies' looks like!"

o o o

(Gai's way)

o o o

(Near a bridge with a babbling brook…)

"…and so, the lotus blooms from their love for each other," Gai made some sweeping hand movements and danced around his students, "So too, can the lotus bloom for you!"

"YAY! GAI-sensei!" Lee clapped enthusiastically as Gai bowed, having just finished his explanation of the "birds and the bees" through euphemism-filled poetry and interpretive dance.

Neji looked every so slightly ill with embarrassment.

On the other hand, with this new found information, Tenten blushed profusely as she checked out Neji's ass.

o o o

(Asuma's way)

o o o

(At Asuma's apartment…)

Asuma stared at his students.

Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru stared at him.

Asuma took a drag of his cigarette.

"Uh…sensei?" Ino questioned.

Asuma blinked as though he suddenly remembered something and reached over and got something from his satchel.

"Here's a porno video. There's the TV. I'll be back in an hour…" and with that Asuma left.

Shikamaru glanced at the videotape that was thrust into his hand and blinked.


o o o

(Kurenai's way)

o o o

(In a woodland clearing full of flowers…)

"How about open questions time," Kurenai began, "Any questions?"

Kiba, Hinata, and Shino are silent.

Crickets chirp.

"O…K," Kurenai sighed, "How about a demonstration?"


That got their attention.


"Yes, sensei?"

"You be the woman, and Shino can be the man…"

Kiba nearly dropped dead. Shino looked slightly worried.

"Hey…wait sensei!" Kiba sounded desperate, "I don't need this; I already know this stuff since my family works with dogs…I mean… I saw when Akamaru was born!"

Kurenai smiled. Her students were finally contributing to the discussion.

"Ok, explain it to your teammates, then."

Kiba's sweat poured from his face, but then he came up with something.


"Bark! Bark!"

Kiba reached into his satchel and pulled out a stuffed, hand-puppet toy dog and tossed it over to Akamaru.

"Bark! Bark!"

"What's that…" Hinata asked sheepishly.

Kiba smirked, "That's Akamaru's 'Special Friend'…"

Akamaru pounced upon his stuffed "girlfriend."

"What…is he doing?"

o o o

1,000 years of therapy was needed all around.

o o o

To Be Continued

o o o

Review Please!

Next chapters, the "Pairing Off" starts, as the students get together to discuss their traumas at the hands of their teachers, and Tsunade calls another meeting…plus more crazy-ness. And later, Gai gives Kakashi a challenge of a different kind. Please review!

o o o