Hello! This is going to be a yaoi fic! don't like don't read please! Anyway, I completely adore Beast boy, he is my absolute favorite character in Teen Titans. Please Review if you liked the story! I love feed-back, it makes my life glow with the sun!
Sometimes, I can feel him. I can feel him twisting and turning, begging me to come out. But I'll never let him. I can't, not ever. But lately…the burning pain he gives me, it's breaking me. I'm losing control. Late at night when the moon shines eerie light into my room, I feel him stir and growl. It's been so long since he's been set free, at least a year…maybe two. I try not to remember when he first burst free from his cage. The memories come to haut me, taunting, laughing, and killing me in my dreams. Every night I wake in a cold sweat, wishing for this all to go away.
That night, when, well what ever he is, came forth, they looked at me like I was a monster. That I was an animal that would never be equal to them. I can sometimes still feel the force that Robin had when he shoved me down in that chair and locked me up. He stared at me through his white blinding mask, growling and blazing with anger. On the outside I was angry and confused to why this was happening, on the inside I was shaking and trembling and scared.
I hated the way he growled, they way he hated me. I hated that the others just stood there and agreed with him. What had I done? I didn't know…they wouldn't tell me. They couldn't see through my mask of confusion, they couldn't see my fear. He yelled and yelled forever at me and I couldn't stop the trembling that over took my body. Eventually though, he just stopped and stared at me, glaring.
It wasn't until the next night that I changed into that thing again. But before that, sometime in the early morning. Robin came in and released me, only to drag me somewhere else. I can see so clearly the dark room he threw me in. He locked me up to the wall, held down by chains. I screamed at him, not understanding. I cried, I screamed with such fierce. And I didn't stop, not until he hit me. It stung with such unbearably pain. It left a mark that no one would ever see…no one but me. He told me that when I could remember what happened he would let me out. And then he left; he left me in the dark, in the cold, left me to be broken.
That night I didn't sleep, I couldn't, the chains held tight so that I couldn't move, I was to be punished, to stay in one spot all night. In the morning, he came back and dragged me back into the medical room. I saw Raven then, floating in sleep. I was so scared; I didn't know what happened to her! I was worried and I wanted to know. Robin, in an angry fiery, growled that I did that to her. He screamed and screamed, telling me that I had to remember, that I was just lying and hiding the truth. His words hurt me so bad, and usually I would have started to tear up, but I felt anger building instead and I suddenly didn't remember anything anymore.
The next time I came around everything was better. They no longer were mad, no longer treated me like a villain. It didn't matter though, what Robin had done, what he said, it hurt to no end. It dug into my heart and burned my soul. He never even said he was sorry, that he was wrong. But of course not, Robin…you never would admit that you were wrong? At least not to me, I know you wouldn't. There are so many things you would never say to me, but to others, to someone better. Was I really that below you? Did you really see me in such a harsh way? Robin, do you really hate me?Of course he does…
I growled at myself. Grabbing my ears forcefully and giving myself a sharp tug as I close my eyes. Stop thinking about the past. What's done is done.Monster…
No! I wasn't…I wasn't a monster! No…I'm not. And I started to whisper those words to myself, over and over again. But deep inside, he stirred and laughed, growling to me that I was lying to myself. That I was hiding from the truth…just like Robin said. A sharp knock made me pull my ears to hard and I yelped loudly, falling hard onto the floor from my slipper sheets.
"Beast boy! I wish for you to come out and cook friend!"
It was Starfire. It was always Starfire. I found myself growling, why did Robin have to fall for her? Don't get me wrong, she's great, a perfect girl even, but that's what made it hurt even worse. Next to me, Starfire was a goddess, someone Robin would always chose over. She made me so jealous, and I hated that. I hated that it brought the darkness out, because Starfire didn't deserve this insane jealously of mine.
"Sure!" I called back, standing up with shaky legs.
Food sounded good, I hadn't been eating as much lately. I could feel my bones sharp against my skin; I wondered if anyone else noticed? But thinking about them, if they cared, it only hurt more. Whenever something was wrong, they never tried to help me, they always tried to hurt me. Always made me feel like it was my fault, like I had hurt myself on purpose. Especially Robin. Maybe that's another reason why my jealously flared so easily. Because no matter what, no one would want to try and help me, no one would want to hold me gentle and tell me that it was ok, that it wasn't my fault.
It was always annoyance or anger that was directed toward me and sometimes I wonder why I'm really even a titan. They could easily tell me to get out and replace me with someone stronger, someone better. As I walked down the hall with Starfire, my head started to hurt. I had to stop thinking about this; I just had to let it go.
"Oh, sorry dude, what?" my checks reddened with embarrassment. Way to go, don't listen to her, just another way to get yourself yelled at.Worthless…
No…leave me alone. Not now, just go away; leave me alone to bath in my own fantasy.
"Robin wishes for pancakes this rise of a new day! Do you wish to do the flipping of pancakes?"
God, she's so weird. Its kind of funny, not actually funny like ow, my gut, oh I'm dieing, kind of laugh, the kind of laugh that I'm faking right now. No it was more of a, you're cute, but sort of stupid, sort of chuckle. But everyone expects me to be loud and laugh and never be serious. Usually, I'm not ever serious, but today, my darkness hangs over me for eternity.
"Uh, sure Starfire," and as we turn the corner, Raven pops out of her room. She's already glaring at me, ready to yell for all she's worth.
"Oh! Raven! Did you have a good night of sleep?"
"Yes," great, she's already turning on me. I guess she's in a bad mood today. And so am I, but I have to fake I; if I don't want them to know, I have too. Her red stare burns into me and I try to ignore it, but it hurts, it's burning my heart, like Robin's harsh words do. And I suddenly want to be anywhere but here. I want to leave, to get away, before he starts to taunt me.
As the three of us enter sleepily into the main room, Cyborg's deep cheer greets our ears. And Robins disappointed growl echoes around the room. It looks like he lost again, never able to beat Cyborg's high score, but always willing to try. He always loses, every morning. And he sits there, for three seconds and pouts. He pouts with all his strength, chewing on his lower lip, his eyes frowned down in disappointment and anger behind his mask. His muscles tense, his shoulders shrugged. And suddenly it's all over and he's up and asking how our night was. If we slept well…actually, if Starfire and Raven slept well, he doesn't really ever ask me those things. He just looks at me and greets with a dull "morning". Everyday, every painful, heart aching, dark filled day.You'll never have him…
And my heart stubbles forward, I even hurt myself now. Shaking my head to myself I smile back at Robin as he greets us and I run to the table. I bounce on the balls of my heels, waiting hungrily for food to be placed in front of me, to be devoured, to become my victim. Oh, interesting, I'm evil today too. It isn't long before I have my food, but it's after I help Starfire like I said I would.
However, as I begin to eat, I smell the cooking of flesh. The burning of meat. I freeze and I swallow my bite slowly, trying not to throw up. Robin and Cyborg are chuckling together as they stand by the stove, cooking bacon. My blood runs cold, it burns, the smell. It travels through my entire body, cutting at me like a knife. It hurts, the smell of rotting flesh, the thick black smell of the blood boiling, of the fat sizzling. Bacon, it was always bacon. I could always stand being around cooking meat, everything but bacon. It rattled me to the core, to my very soul! Why? I have no freaking idea.
"Uh, Beast boy?" Raven asks, but she sounds so far off, so far away. Her voice barely reaches me, her monotone voice quiet and dead. All I can think about is the cooking meat. The pain in my heart. Some where off far away, I hear Starfire's high yell,
"Oh no! Robin, Cyborg!"
"What?" they both asked, somewhat annoyed at being interrupted so suddenly and fiercely. And just like that, they're eyes widen and Raven voices what they realize.
"The bacon," everything is still so foggy and watery.
But it doesn't matter, because in a blur my legs take me away from here. Take me up, higher and higher until I burst out into the fresh air. I couldn't be inside; the vents would have brought the smell throughout the tower. I probably won't be able to sleep in my room tonight, but I wouldn't let them know that. Robin would get mad at me for sleeping up on the roof. Robin would say that I could catch a cold and give it to everyone else, not caring if I had gotten sick.
It takes all my will power not to lean over the railing and throw up. So instead I put my legs through the lower bar and sit on the cold metal, my legs dangling over the edge. I breathe deep, smelling the salty air. It would go away soon, it would. I just have to stay calm and breathe evenly. As I let my body return to itself, I let my mind wander. Would Robin apologize when I go back in?No…
Cyborg would, and that would count as Robin's apology as well, with a stiff nod.It's still an apology…sort of…
Wrong, he doesn't care…
Maybe…just a little?
No…worthless. In his way…
I growl, I hate talking to myself. And a chuckle bubbles its way up my throat, yeah, ok it's sort of amusing too. My smile fades quickly though; lately I haven't been very nice to myself. I close my eyes and take another deep breath. I'm so off…I can feel it in my bones, and it's not long before the others find out either. Sometimes, I want them to find out, I want to know if they really care. Ok…maybe I'm making some things up a bit. Raven's been better, ever since Trigon was defeated last year, she's different and yet not. And Cyborg cares, I'm his buddy. We do everything, goof off, play video games, and have food fights. And Starfire, she likes everyone, well almost everyone. She's nice, she likes everyone to be happy, and she cares for everyone. But in a way, that…it…argh. It doesn't count I guess, though it does.That doesn't make sense…
No, it doesn't, but it does. I growl again and rest my head against the high, cool, bar, trying to freeze my brain so I stop confusing myself.
But Robin…I don't know about Robin. Sometimes, he's so kind and it seems like I'm the only person in the world he worries about, and then other times he hates me so passionately…at least that's what it feels like. And deep down, I know that he's just trying to help me, that he wants to protect me, but…it doesn't stop the hurt. Either way, Robin is so, well perfect.
I sigh and kick the air, if I could just stop thinking for one minute, then I could calm myself down. But I just…I can't. My body is shaking horribly and it's getting worse. I think part of it is from the lack of food and the rush to get up here, but the other part. Is something dark, my thoughts of self-loathing.
"Argh…dude, I'm so pathetic,"
Yes you are…
Go away! He won't leave me alone, he's trying to get me angry, so I'll let him out. It's not going to work though. I won't ever let him out again. At least, not him. I can morph into his body, his look, but I never actually let him out. Not the beast within. He's been close to my surface for a week now, because my nightmares are sending me into a frenzy.
"Beast boy?" I jump at the sudden voice. I didn't expect someone to come up here.
I glance back and my eyes meet Robin's forum. I knew it was him from his voice, but I just wanted to make sure. I frown; I just noticed that he's in his sleepwear. It's kind of odd, seeing him out of uniform. But, he looks so…hot. Just standing there, letting the wind tousle it's way through his un-gelled hair, his black t-shirt blowing around his muscles, and loose black sweatpants hanging around his hips.
As he gets closer, I bite my lip. He smells like bacon. No, just when I was starting to get myself under control. He steps closer again and I don't think I can bare it if he gets any closer.
"Stop!" I hear him give a startled gasp and his foot slides back on the rough floor of the roof. "Please, just go away,"
"Beast boy, I-" he sounds guilty and…mad? How can he be mad? I didn't do anything.
"You smell like it, just…go away," I whisper quietly, turning my head away from the direction he is standing in. "please…" and maybe, he'll leave because I make my voice sound so broken, and it is…really.
"I…" I hear him shift his feet a little, "sorry…" and he leaves. I sigh as the burning flesh is gone again, but my body is trembling again. It'll be awhile before I can go back in.
I smile…he apologized.He doesn't mean it…
I growl at the monster inside as he has a singsong tone.Shut up, yes he does…
Silence, maybe I just have to be more positive and believe in myself more often. Maybe then he would go away. I glance up form looking at my lap and my eyes meet dark clouds ahead of me. I watch as lightning attacks the oceans surface and I smile. Thunderstorms, I love them. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad…I mean, after all, Robin did apologize.
I smile brightly, telling the storm in front of me and inside of me to bring it the hell on.
Review? Please? With cherries and cookies and M&M's ontop?
Note: I do not own Teen titans...thoughI wishI did...