"So Lifelike!"

By GirlX2

I own nothing except the girl. Inspired partly by 'The Indian in the Cupboard' (Not the movie. Ew.) and partly by my own Jack-tion figure. Enjoy! (And a review would be appriciated as well. : ) )

-

"I'll get ye, ye black hearted basted!" A voice screamed.

Captain Jack Sparrow paid no heed to the voice, as he was concentrating on escaping.

'Gotta remember to drink the victoryrumafter I leave the premises next time.' He thought smugly.

The dreadlocked man was racing down a deserted street. He'd just finished plundering an old house when the owner stumbled across him. He'd nearly taken a shot in the back while fleeing. The spoils were clutched in his hands. He hadn't gotten a proper look at everything, but the glinting gold sheen on the items had been enough incentive for him. He slowed down, confident the proper owners weren't behind him.

"Lets just see what I've earned meself tonight." Jack stopped under a street lantern.

The 'treasure' was rather enthralling. Gold jewelry seemed to make up most of it, along with a small crystalline bottle contained an ambiguous amber liquid.

"Well, I've never said no to a drink before, and I'll not begin now." Jack grinned, gold teeth glinting in the lamplight. He uncorked the bottle.

"Cheers." He raised it aloft to the light. It sparkled unnaturally in the dim night. Jack's eagerness to down the liquid, however, blinded him to this fact.

It coursed thickly down his throat, taking the chill of the night away.

"Bloody hell, that's good." He managed before passing out.

-

"…Yeah, well, it was still a lot cheaper to buy him at Spencers than at Hot Topic."

A loud female voice pounded into Jack's rum-soaked brain. He emitted a soft groan. He seemed to be leaning against something--strange, considering that when he passed out he usually awoke in a horizontal state (and with a strumpet, more often than not).

'P'haps that's what has happened.' Jack opened his eyes blearily. The air seemed to flicker before him, with spots of light rushing around. No one seemed to be near him.

"Just how potent was that rum?" Jack placed a hand to his aching head. He was still in possession of the strange bottle he'd acquired in the raid, as well as his pistol and sword.

"And my hat." Jack felt the familiar snugness on his head.

"'The Simpsons' are about to come on, if you want to watch it." The same voice came out of the darkness.

"What in bloody hell are 'The Simpsons' and why are they coming onto me?" Jack challenged the voice.

"Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow then." The voice sighed, ignoring the captain.

A red spot appeared in the darkness, and suddenly a chorus of voices sprung into existence.

"The Simp-soooooooooons…" They crooned, accompanied by music. The light suddenly grew more intense, illuminating a giant dark shape in front of him.

"Bloody Hell!" Jack yelled, drawing his sword. He jumped back, banging his head into a wall. "Ow…"

"What the hell?" The voice yelped. Abruptly, the voices were silenced. There was a 'clik'.

Jack gaped as light flooded the room.

The giant shape had been revealed as a woman. She was kneeling on a bed, and looking around the room wildly. Her gaze passed directly over Jack, but incredibly (at least to the Captain), she didn't seem to notice him. Wooden walls spanned the room, with equally huge windows showing a darkness outside.

The woman wasn't all that amazing, apart from her size. She was wearing a strange nightshirt, bright orange in color, and much to short for a decent woman. Her hair had been pulled back away from her face. She wasn't beautiful, but she looked pretty, even with the oversized proportions. Her eyes were dark brown, and her build was on the plump side. Had she been Jack's size, he could have gone for her. (Then again, Jack could go for almost any woman…) As it was, the woman was many times the size of Jack. She could easily pick him up with one hand, if she saw him. He gulped, trying to remain as still as possible. Granted there wasn't a woman alive he couldn't charm, but the idea of one being able to pluck him up as he would a glass wasn't appealing. Everything in the room (mostly odd knickknacks) was matched to her size.

'I've been taken to a land of giants.' Jack reasoned. 'Now how the bloody hell do I get out of here?'

"Alright, I've just had a psychotic episode." The woman muttered, staring down at a square-ish white object in her hand. "But at least it waited until I was done talking to Matt."

She picked up a black object the size of a canoe and pointed it at the wall near Jack. The voices sprang back up, startling him. He jerked slightly, but the movement went unnoticed. The woman was focused on the area the lights and voices seemed to be coming from. Jack snuck a peek, and saw the side of a huge gray box.

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems." The woman said in unison with the unseen voice, and raised her hand aloft in a toast.

"You've got that right, mate." The words tumbled out of Jacks mouth.

Her attention snapped to the pirate.

"I'm hearing things." She was looking directly at him with disbelief.

Seeing no alternative, Jack decided to do what he did best. Namely, talk his way out of trouble.

He flashed her a wide grin. "Miss, d'you happen to have any actual alcohol on the premises?"

-

End of Chapter One