Chapter One: Reasoning
By: Vampires Toy
Summary: "I sometimes find myself so blissful when I'm around her, that I tend to forget I am being punished, then again, perhaps my feelings for her are my punishment." Vincent has finally found someone who loves him no matter what, but is he trying to make her out to be something she's not? (Cough, warning Pedophilia and such ahead, NOT an OC)
WARNING: Ok, this is IMPORTANT! This fic might contain material that makes some people uncomfortable (for good reason) and it might offend some and therefore I must state that is involves pedophilia, possible rape, and an overload of angst. So if any of those offend you, please do not read this because if you ignore my warnings when you know you might not be able to handle it, then it's your own fault.
Isolation, desolation, detachment; a few of the many words I could use to describe my life. I had sinned; I lived each day knowing every terrible thing that happened to me was a justification for all I had done wrong. I was content in it, expecting the worst and letting it imbibe my thoughts when it found me. It seemed easier when I gave in; as if someone was telling me that if I take my punishment, my pain would be eased by knowing I was doing something right.
To fully accomplish my silent redemption, I could never grow close to anyone. It seemed rather effortless, after all, it was almost ensured that I would out-live anyone and everyone I ever met. There would be no motivation for me to keep a relationship with anyone lest I hurt the person and myself. I would suffer enough by simply longing for a companion, I knew I could get by fine on just the thought. Besides, it was rare that I ever found anyone interesting enough to compel me; even those I would associate with were all just children to me.
A sickening 'squash' brought my attention back to the decaying city of Midgar that I had been walking through for a good thirty minutes. I looked down at the grungy pavement; my metal boots were grubby and slick from the city muck. Silently musing to myself, I tried to focus on trying to see my reflection in the tiny bit of metal that still showed through in the ill-lit streets.
My mind drifted back to my visit to Tifa's bar that night; it had been cut short when a mob of people that might be considered friends of mine, piled themselves into the small facility for an unplanned and unruly visit. I myself was not one for group gatherings and said a short goodbye to retreat out into the foggy night that hung upon me. I sometimes enjoyed listening to their conversations while lurking in a corner somewhere but lately their conversations varied little.
"Vincent's been stopping by a lot lately…"
"Yeah, the kids love him."
"Do you think he's got somethin' for ya?"
"Hahaha, no, come on he's just helping with the kids…"
Always pondering over my romantic interests or making up reasons as to why I was so helpful. I didn't like the attention despite none of them ever actually confronting me about it. Yuffie and Tifa would giggle while Cloud and Cid talked about how much more open I was supposedly becoming. I know if I hadn't been there to remind them, they probably would have spoken of something more interesting. I suppose they were trying to casually hint that they approved of what I was doing. A small sort of 'good job Vincent, you're getting there' type of encouragement. The kind of encouragement one gives to an alcoholic or drug addict getting over abuse.
Barret also came to the bar; he always came when I was there, regardless of whether or not Yuffie, Cloud, or Cid came. Really, if he didn't have a reason to come, neither would I. He was always there to pick up his daughter. She was adorable; her dark brown hair in a braid tied with a pink bow. The little white turtleneck she wore made her look a little older than she really was; more mature. I let a small smile slip across my lips at the thought of the conversation that first sparked my interest in her.
"Yes Marlene?" I asked as I sat next to her on the floor while she dressed a doll.
"What were my mommy and daddy like? I mean my real ones." She said without looking up; so casual.
I wasn't quite sure how to approach this question seeing as I hadn't known her parents.
"I don't know."
"Oh." She replied.
I frowned behind the large neck of my cloak; she had a way of making me feel guilty, but a different guilt from that of my regular self-loathing.
"Daddy says I don't remember them because I was too little. I wish I could remember them a little, you know, just so I can tell people about them."
I watched her curiously; I was sure that she wanted to say more.
"Maybe it's better you don't remember." I told her.
"Why?" she asked looking up.
"If you remembered them, you would miss them a lot more than you do now. If you don't remember them, there is little emotional attachment to your past and that is best."
"I don't care, I would like a past…..do you not like your past?" she asked softly. I sucked in a quick breath before shaking my head lightly.
"Why not?" she asked.
Normally that question deterred me from the situation and the person; I would reply with 'Its none of your concern' or something similar. When Marlene asked it though, she seemed to genuinely care; she wasn't asking it out of curiosity as most people usually did. She wanted some way to compare our lives, more a way to, in a sense, explain her missing thoughts and feelings that she had said she wanted.
"Because I have hurt people and people have hurt me, and now I must remember that forever."
"Who did you hurt?"
"….someone I loved dearly."
Marlene smiled, "Do you miss her?"
"What was her name?"
Marlene nodded her head slightly before pausing and looking back up at me; "Will you tell me about her?"
I did tell her, and she surprised me with a strange game.
"Let's start over! I'll pretend to be Luceria and you pretend to be you!" Marlene said with a big grin, pointing a finger at me; "That way you can make your memories happier and I can have memories."
I stared silently, unsure of the situation, but Marlene started for me.
"Hi! My name is Luceria, I'm a scientist, are you here to work on a project with me?"
My eyebrows furrowed and I hunched over slightly in confusion. She continued to wait and I finally spat out an answer.
"Hello…Luceria, my name is Vincent….I'm a Turk, I'm here to protect you…."
We played this game every time I babysat until my past had been completely played out. It surprised me how throughout our game I never felt any pain or longing for my past. When the game ended, however, I did begin to ache; I thought at first that perhaps I was longing to relive my past again and possibly make it different. I asked Marlene if we could change the ending of the game and keep Luceria alive and she complied. This satisfied me for only a few days, however, because I began having strange feelings for the small girl. In fear that I might start believing she was my deceased beloved, I had the ending changed again.
Luceria was better off dead.
Even when I felt closure in the little child's game, my feelings persisted and I came to believe they were of the fatherly kind. It wasn't a hard concept to grasp; many of the males in our group felt a fatherly protectiveness for little Marlene. The more time I spent with her, however, the more I was proving myself wrong. She was just so…perfect; she was perfect, very much like Luceria was to me so long ago. Something of an angel and maybe that's what I needed, after all demons cannot love each other, but they can love angels. They can love the innocence they never had and how fortunate a demon was I to have those feelings returned. She was young, yes, but only in body.
In some sense she was more mature than many of the adults around me. She understood a lot more than I thought she would and she was easy to talk to; she kept my secrets, as far as I could tell. I never meant to stay as long as I did, I should have been far away by now, out of reach of these people and so many emotions. Marlene kept me grounded though; I was only supposed to take care of her once but she would always ask if I was coming back, I would feel compelled to say yes, and then I would be back at the bar, the same time the next day.
She was at the bar rather often, I sometimes wondered what made Barret so busy all the time; why adopt a child if you cannot fathom the time to take care of her? I soon found that Marlene did indeed live with Tifa and only once in a while would her father come back and take her 'home' for a week or two. Most of the time she was with Tifa, Cloud, Denzel, and I.
Though I myself do not mind the task of babysitter; I have enough time for the both of us after all.
My feet reluctantly slowed in front of a dreary brick motel. Not having planned to stay here so long made it difficult for me to find a place to stay. Though I would rather stay with Cloud or Tifa, I couldn't ask either of them to take me in. Tifa has offered but I easily glided around the proposal many times. It would only be uncomfortable for both of us. Whether or not she considered me a friend, there was always a tinge of suspicion.
It was for good reason, I suppose; I can rarely trust myself.
I made my way into the murky building, plodding lightly past the sleeping desk clerk and up onto the second floor where my equally dismal room existed.
You've begun to annoy me with this.
I let out a sigh and flopped onto the windowsill; there would be no sleep tonight.
DO NOT IGNORE ME!
A sharp throbbing clawed at my temples and I winced, almost falling off the windowsill as I gripped my head in pain.
"Yes?" I asked out loud.
You are dwelling too long here, I fear you might grow close to these creatures.
You best not; you never know when you'll have to kill one of them.
I could easily picture the sarcastic sneer on Chaos's repulsive face; his sharp teeth clamped tightly together with his thin lips curled up in amusement.
"I know. I'll be leaving soon."
THAT'S A LIE! He roared furiously in my head.
I winced again and grabbed the window's edge to keep steady.
"You want me to leave now?" I asked trying to focus on the peeling plaster wall as my headache blurred my senses. For a moment I thought he hadn't heard me, but caustic chuckles told me he had thought over my question and perhaps decided on a rather unpleasant answer.
Stay, he said almost quietly, the pressure in my head numbing slightly before disappearing completely.
"Stay?" I asked, first surprised, then suspicious, "Any particular reason?"
I hate when you question me, but I'll give you an answer this once.
I waited and heard squandering in the back of my mind; most likely he was speaking with the other three demons in my head.
It might simply benefit me to learn more about these humans, a good way to take in their faults.
I didn't quite understand what he meant but I knew it had something to do with him gaining more power and me emerging in more pain. The way it should be.
Go on as you were.
A short and blunt order, one I would follow if it killed me. It didn't hurt the situation that I really did want to stay. I ruminated delicately over my situation and which aspects Chaos might be interested in. I doubted it was Marlene, he had never cared for children; they did not have the power he craved. Not like Cloud, Tifa, or any of the others, no, she was a child, helpless and useless.
In retrospect, Chaos' interests might lie in Tifa or Cloud seeing as I was around them more often than, say, Cid or Yuffie.
I sighed and looked wearily over at the cheap mattress I called a bed. Sleeping was never useful for me, but there was no doubt that tomorrow I would need to watch over Marlene again.
So sleeping it is, sweet dreams or not.
A/N: Creepy yes? It'll get worse; I might actually have to move this to adultfiction. Well anyway, I have personal and not so personal reasons for writing this so don't attack me and think I'm writing this just to freak everyone out. VincentMarlene is actually a cute couple, I think, but this is a more realistic portrayal of how a relationship between the two might go. Not as cutesy as my KadajMarlene mostly because Vincent has a much different mindset and situation (as you all already know). Anyway, this is my third Final Fantasy fic; I decided to give it another shot since people liked my first and second one. Well, yeah, please let me know when you think I'm going completely OOC; I hate reading OOC and I'd hate to write it for you guys, especially in such a supposedly serious story. If you read this, thank you, and please review. I hope I didn't scare anyone too far away XD though honestly I think most of you who have read this far, might've read worse ;. Haha, R & R please.