Signal Fifty-One
by: Stephanie Watson

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Disney.

Note: This is a piece of satire. It's meant to be wryly amusing. Chances are, if you're one of the people who get offended by it, then it's you I'm poking fun at. Enjoy!

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It started off like the typical day.


"142, radio. Go ahead."

"Signal 51 at 013 mark 5."

"Acknowledged. Put me en route at 1033."

"Copy, 142."

"Damsel in distress?" Mira asked, looking over from the copilots seat.

"Yep," Buzz answered, waiting for her to finish plotting the course.

They had added that signal recently, with the rash of damsel in distress calls. Seemed like there was a damsel to rescue every week or so -- from Zurg, from a crash landing, from any number of things. Next to Signal 49 (cat in a tree), it was the second most frequent call to Starcruiser 42.

So yes, this was a typical day.

The intrepid, heroic team landed, and of course, there was said damsel. She had onyx hair, sapphire eyes and a stylishly tattered tunic. Without waiting for an introduction, she threw her arms around Buzz, babbling, "Oh, I thought you would never show up! I was so scared!"

And Buzz, of course, played the intrepid and heroic man of the hour, comforted the sobbing female, and was no doubt about to chalk this up to their once-a-week call when his comm beeped.


"142, radio."

"Signal 51, at 198 mark 8."

Buzz frowned. Eh...? "Er, copy. Mark me code 6 at 1046."

Mira raised an eyebrow. "Another damsel in distress?"

"I guess s--"

The hitherto sobbing female sobbed even harder, cutting him off, "B-b-but, I was so scaaaaared!"

"Aw, that's okay," Booster said, immediately moving in to fill in as 'heroic comforter' now that they had to be on their way. Naturally, he was a little surprised when she just didn't seem to be comforted by him.

Um, okay, so maybe this wasn't entirely a typical day. So, chalking this one up to coincidence instead, the intrepid team went back to their cruiser and headed off to the next damsel in distress call. The first damsel (no longer in distress) made herself at home on the bridge, looking for just about any excuse to lean over Buzz's shoulder.

"Oooh, and what does that one do?" she asked, pointing to a button on the console and doing her absolute best to let him know that even though she had been stranded on a planet, she still smelled like Midnight Dream No. 6.

"That's the autopilot."

"And that one?"

"Uh... secondary distress beacon."

Now, she had to be left behind while they entered into an unknown situation, so after they landed, Mira took some initiative. "XR, would you stay with our guest?"

"No problemo," the 'bot answered, grinning. He sidled over to the woman, who was engaged with watching her dashing hero walk off of the bridge.

The second planet was similar to the first. The second damsel, however, had lovely emerald skin, topaz hair and jade eyes. And, unlike the first, she opted for a different approach. "Well, it took you long enough," she said, jutting out one hip stylishly, showing off her tight... er, pants.

"We had another call," Buzz answered, honestly, eyebrow making skyward.

"Oh well." She winked at him, sauntered past, and headed for the cruiser.

Mira looked over, smirking. "Better be careful, Buzz. People are going to start calling you a player."

Buzz gave her a look, one of those 'can't-go-two-hours-in-a-shift-without-railing-me-can-you?' looks. "I hardly consider doing my job playing."

She gave him the 'no,-I-can't' look, shrugged and followed the leggy woman back to the ship.

Booster wandered after them himself, scratching his head in confusion. "What's a Signal 51 have to do with playing?"

Buzz was about to answer when his comm beeped.


"142, radio."

"Signal 51, at 011 mark 9."

Wait a minute... "Er, are you sure about that?"

"Copy, 142. You're 6 at 1124."

Buzz blinked once or twice, and finally answered, "Acknowledged."

By the time that he made it back to the cruiser, still pondering quite heroically the oddness of having three damsels in distress in less than an hour, the first damsel was glaring at the second damsel, XR was bemoaning that the women always seemed to chase after the captain just because he was the captain, and Booster was still trying to figure out how this was playing.

It took Buzz a good few moments to go through the flight procedures, not because he hadn't done it a thousand times, but because the Midnight Dream No. 6 and the Heady Huntress No. 3 were clashing quite hard, what with one woman leaning over one shoulder and the other woman leaning over the other shoulder. Finally, he looked between them. "You should take a seat... procedure."

Although they looked entirely different, they somehow managed to give him the same sweet smile and comply.

"Plotting coordinates," Mira said, once they were airborne.

"Good," Buzz answered, though he wasn't entirely sure if he meant that.

So, the typical day was definitely anything but typical.

This particular call lead them to Zurg's dreadnought. Buzz immediately ordered a red alert, the women immediately sighed adoringly at his heroic command persona, and it seemed like it was going to be one heck of a fight.

Mira tapped a few things into her panel. "Opening channels, sir."

The Evil Emperor appeared on screen. Instead of a torrent of insane rambling, however, he reached over and pulled a woman on screen. She looked up at him defiantly, and he looked at his arch-rival. "I believe you're here for this. Please, take her."

...what the...? Buzz sat slack-jawed for about twenty seconds before pulling himself out of his stunned (but heroic) daze. "Zurg, you won't get away with this!"

"I don't want to get away with this!" Zurg grumbled to himself, "Out of nowhere, I find myself kidnapping this... this female that has nothing to do with my plans for universe domination!" To emphasize this, he pulled out a folder with 'Plans for Universe Domination' typed on the cover. "No where in here does it say anything about kidnapping a woman!"

"Well, uh..." Needless to say, Buzz was at a loss here. "Hand her over, before we open fire."

Zurg threw his hands up in the air, bringing a frightened (but defiant) cry from the female. The screen went black.

"Tramp," Damsel in Distress #2 muttered.

For once, the Evil Emperor was prompt in keeping his word. A pod drifted out of his ship, he took advantage of the fact that they'd be busy with the rescue operation and was out of the sector in record time.

Buzz scowled -- huh, once again, his worst enemy just waltzes away. It figured. He was so busy being annoyed by this that he didn't even really notice Mira take over the rescue procedure, nor did he notice XR trying his hardest to get at least one of the first two women to pay attention to him.

"Playing?" Booster asked himself, shaking his head.

"What did he mean I have no part in his plan? I'm a princess!" The woman strutted onto the bridge with her delicate nose turned up. "Of course I have a part in it!"

Mira choked back a laugh, gesturing to her captain. "Well, there's your knight in shining armor." The look that she got from Buzz tipped her over the edge, though, and she fell into her seat laughing.

He didn't have time to growl at Mira, though, before the third damsel was giving him a once over. "Well, I'm certain I'll find some way to repay such a hero as yourself."

"Not necessary," Buzz answered, a little too quickly.

"Cheap," Damsel in Distress #1 muttered.

Thankfully, that mildly off-color comment saved the heroic captain from anymore scrutiny, as #3 started arguing with #2 and #1.


Buzz looked at the radio, wide-eyed, and finally got the nerve to answer it. "142, radio."

"Signal 51, at 354 mark 2."

It took him so long to reply that the dispatcher had to prompt him, but eventually, he did. "Copy..."


Mira finally managed to rein in her laughter. "You're having all the luck today, aren't you?"

"Shut up," he growled.

"Aw, c'mon Buzz, this is an opportunity you just shouldn't pass up." She nodded, keeping a straight face. He looked over with a wordless growl this time (heroic, wordless growl, the kind he saves for when she really ticks him off), and she had to pretend to cough to keep from outright laughing at him again.

If Mira thought it was funny, XR sure didn't. Three beautiful women on the bridge, and they were all too busy talking about Buzz... or, fighting over Buzz... to even look his way.

"Like, a football player?" Booster asked himself.

Not a typical day. At all.


"I knew you'd be here!"

"...Not much of a choice."


"So, you're the great Buzz Lightyear?"

"Yeah. Uh huh. Great."


"I could have taken care of myself, you know!"

"Hence the emergency call, sure."


"Another one?"

Zurg just nodded, miserably.

Buzz buried his face in his hands for a looooong moment, and finally looked back up. "Send her on over."



He looked at the radio like it was about to attack him.

"Uh... 142?"

Mira glanced over, then reached over and prodded Buzz in the shoulder. "Hey... you've got traffic."

Buzz somehow, someway, managed to push past the thirty-five different perfumes making his head ache, the near-constant arguing from the women clustered on the bridge and in the midsection, and finally (not all that heroically) answered the call. "What?"

"Signal 51. 914 mark 1."

'Shoot me,' he thought, leaving Mira to acknowledge the order as he hit the engines.

"Play... playing... player..." Booster seemed on the verge of an epiphany. And then it went away, and he was left still trying to figure it out.


All told, when Starcruiser 42 landed at Star Command, there were fifty women disembarking. They ranged from short to tall, a variety of color and style, but they were all exceedingly beautiful and wore some sort of perfume. Some were scientists, some were princesses, some were unlucky victims, but they were all perfect.

And they were all in love with Buzz Lightyear.

Naturally, they had to decide which one would get this wonderful, perfect, incredibly heroic man, and just as naturally, the wonderful, perfect, incredibly heroic man himself would have gnawed his own leg off to go home (alone) and curl up in a closet to hide.

They were all different, but they all decided one thing. Whoever kissed him first won... 'true love's first kiss' and all that. And Buzz couldn't even take a step without finding another one in front of him, puckered up.

"Player! I get it!" The epiphany must have come back from its coffee break. Booster looked around at the women, then at Buzz. "Uhm... what're you gonna do?"

"Yeah! 'Cause you can always share the wealth," XR grumbled, thoroughly miserable with the situation.

"If you want 'em, please, for the love of all that's good, take 'em!" Buzz all but pleaded, pushing yet another goddess aside before she had a chance to give him the ole smackeroo.

Mira shook her head. "Y'know--" She cut herself off, though, when he gave her the look. The 'I-can't-take-anymore-so-please-don't' look. She wasn't above teasing, arguing or even joking with him, but never when he had that particular look.

The women started closing in, getting just a little bit catty with each other -- they were all determined to lay one on him, no matter who got in the way. Afterall, they were all beautiful, intelligent, loving, perfect women.

Mira smirked to herself, ghosted through two of them, and took hold of Buzz's armor. He started to ask, "Mira, wh--" but before he even had time to finish the question, she kissed him.

The landing bay fell silent.

Now, Buzz wasn't expecting that... whoa, he wasn't expecting that, not in a million years. But he's a red-blooded male, and all of the boy-scout, heroic tendencies in the universe won't change that fact. And, being a red-blooded male, the circuit-breaker in his brain tripped, temporarily shorting out any possible cognitive thought.

Mira stepped back after a moment, one eyebrow up in a distinctly self-satisfied expression. She didn't say a word -- she wiped her lipstick off of his bottom lip with her thumb, turned and walked right out.

The landing bay was silent until she was gone. And then the sobbing started.

"Whoa..." XR said. Booster nodded in silent, dumbfounded agreement.

Buzz blinked. It took almost a minute for his brain to reconnect itself, and then he blinked again.

"Fine, it's not like we need him anyway, right girls?" Damsel #41 finally said, though she was still sniffling and her long, perfect eyelashes were still glistening with unshed tears.

The general consensus was in the affirmative, and after a few more stunned blinks, Buzz shook off the whole 'Holy...' feeling long enough to escape.


"Hi," Mira said, not bothering to look up when Buzz walked into the break room. She just worked on her word-find and sipped on her coffee.

Buzz raised an eyebrow, a half-smile catching him for the first time in hours. "You saved my life, princess."

She smiled reminiscently, finally glancing up at him. "Don't read too much into it, Buzz."

He shook his head. "I don't plan on it."

"That's good." Mira chuckled, shaking her head, "I don't date players."

Buzz was just about to take a snipe back at her when her comm beeped.


Mira frowned slightly -- a little late in a shift to get a call, wasn't it? "242, radio."

"Signal 52 at 547 mark 9."

Her eyes widened in horror... no, it couldn't be.

Buzz grinned innocently, feeling better already. "Man in mayhem?"

Mira stood, set down her coffee, her pen and her word-find, narrowing her eyes at him. "Not a word." And before he had time to reply, she stormed out.

He nodded to himself, finally relaxing, and got a cup of coffee.

No, not a typical day... but things were looking up.