Title: Nothing To Hold Onto
Author: Mercy's Failure (aka Kerry)
Character(s): Logan, Lamb, some Dick
Rating: PG-13 for language
Summary: Logan wasn't a victim.
Spoilers: Season 1, parts of episode 2.01
Warnings: AU, Rating is for language. F-bomb dropped a few times.
Disclaimer: Logan isn't mine. Damnit. And Rob Thomas owns me.
A/N: This is a complete rewrite of the first version, if you read it. I kept the basic idea but basically changed the entire contents. I think it reads better now and isn't as pathetically angsty. Fits better with the show maybe. Plus, I added dialogue. Yay for Logan/Lamb snark.
...In other news, local fisherman, George Haddock, pulled in a surprising find in his shrimp nets early this morning. Amongst the usual array of fish, weeds, and trash, partial human remains were found. The remains were sent to a forensics lab in hopes of finding their identity. Police hope to make a positive ID soon.
Five days later...
Sunlight broke through the window, glaring and reflecting off of empty liquor bottles, only to fall short of the darkness that Logan Echolls cocooned himself in. Liquid amber clung to his side, the hard bottle matching what he felt in his heart. Muffled in the distance, he could hear his cell phone destroying his silent depression but he made no move to remove the covers from his body. He was cold. Beyond his bed, it only grew colder.
He was hung over and feeling prophetic. Not in the way that would enlighten even the simplest of minds. No, he was ready to cry out to the world in anger over injustice and what he felt was the future. His future. He hated to entertain the notion that he had one. Even so, talking to anyone at this point was useless. Least of all Dick Casablancas, the least complicated person he knew. He was positive the reason his phone was ringing every hour was Dick. There simply wasn't anyone else.
Logan knew he should move eventually. Leave the house. Remind himself what it was to be social. He knew there was a war still raging, all centered on him and he should be out there a part of it. But not today. Maybe not tomorrow either. Today he was going to get used to being alone.
Dude, pick up your damn phone. I'm not driving my ass all the way over there just to watch you curl into a fetal position over Veronica freakin' Mars. Get over it and come get wasted with me and Beav'. We'll find some loose chick for you to bang and set the fucking world right or some shit like that. Stop being a pussy and call me when you find your balls.
It was mid-day when Logan stumbled to the bathroom. Only when he was emptying his stomach of his latest binge did his mind truly shut down. The only thing he could think then was I'm never drinking again or Fuck, make it stop. He could live with those thoughts. Logan knew this wasn't rock bottom. There were still so many ways to fall and he was sure he would find them. He learned a long time ago to never stop expecting the worst. His dad taught him that. Aaron taught him a lot of things, most of which he preferred not to think about.
When he finally finished and the blood rushed back into all the right places, he sat on the cool tile with his head against the wall, eyes closed. In his melancholy state, he couldn't help but wallow over the things that had gone wrong in his life, whether by someone else's fault or his own. It didn't really make much difference because, in the end, it all turned out the same. He would end up just like he was now; sitting in front of the toilet with a hollow stomach and battered heart.
Lilly should have been the last, he told himself.
Veronica Mars was never supposed to happen. She was never supposed to invade his heart or make a permanent, ugly mark on it. But it was there and he hated her again. Except he didn't because he loved her. He didn't want to love her right now. Logan was slowly beginning to think that his love was a curse and his heart was his only true enemy. How did that saying go? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? If he could live without it, he'd chuck his bloody, stuttering heart over the bridge he was wishing he'd actually flung himself from. He really didn't want to love Veronica Mars right now.
He loved Lilly and she slept with his father. He loved her and she died. He wanted to hate her. So badly that it hurt even more so to try. It was easier and less painful to just keep loving her. For that, he could hate himself. Logan had many other reasons for that, as well.
He was no saint. He'd done horrible things and perhaps this was karma coming to take a big chunk out of his ass. Act the part of extreme asshole and wind up with an empty house. Burn community pools and find yourself attaching ex onto boyfriend. Or wind up with the Sheriff, himself, banging on your door.
Logan had tried to ignore the pounding coming from the front door but his head was throbbing and he might just throw up again. He was doing just fine to concentrate on his wallowing without succumbing to the rolling nausea from his recent binge. And company for his pity party was not allowed. He expected Dick and Beaver. He expected to shove them, hard, away from the door and slam it shut. What he didn't expect was Sheriff Lamb standing there, and with a big smile on his face to boot. Just great.
"Afternoon, Sunshine!" Logan could really kill this man. He was sure not one single person in Neptune would miss him.
"What the hell do you want?"
Lamb frowned. "You don't look too happy to see me. And here I thought after all the time we've spent together, we bonded. No? Shame. That makes this even more enjoyable." Lamb flashed a sardonic smile and Logan thought about throwing up on him. He had the urge and the bastard would most definitely stop smiling if he did.
"I'm not in the mood so just tell me what you think I did, I'll call my lawyer, and you can then commence with being thoroughly embarrassed. I'm sure it's something you're used to."
"Cute. But, unfortunately, that's not why I'm here. As much as I love to arrest you every other week, this concerns something else. And by the way, you reek." Lamb made a sour face and leaned back a little. "I thought you prissy rich boys had a certain panache for good hygiene?" Lamb's smile grew wider and Logan let out an annoyed breath.
"Well, we all can't spend countless hours on self beautification like you do. But maybe you could give me some tips. Or did your subscription to Sassy Girl run out?"
"I'll renew it just for you."
"Are you sure your salary can afford the dent? Civil service obviously doesn't pay much. I've seen you out of uniform and I'm pretty sure the 80's wants their style back."
Lamb laughed at that. Logan knew the insult wasn't his best but he was enjoying the distraction. Unfortunately, it was short lived. Much like everything else in his life.
"You're quite the catch, Echolls. Say, where's that girlfriend of yours? Aww, oops. I heard she dumped you. Again."
"What bothers me most about that statement, Lambchop, is that you know about such a trivial thing as mine and Veronica's relationship. What's the matter, Donnie? Crime not enough to keep you busy? Oh that's right. Veronica usually does your job for you." Logan had to admit. He felt a little bit of satisfaction out of that. Even if Veronica had dropped him on his ass making him feel practically worthless, seeing the look of Lamb's face just then was enough to lift him up. Just a little.
"As much fun as this conversation is, I actually have business to attend to." Logan could tell Lamb was not about to be defeated and the smile that found its way back onto the sheriffs face left Logan uneasy.
"Well then. I'm all ears. Dazzle me." His hands waved in a flourish and he then remembered he was still a little uneasy on his feet. Lamb didn't seem to notice him waver or he did and the smile that was growing to an impossible width was the result.
"I could just wait until the five o'clock news."
"I'm aging here." Logan made a show of checking his invisible watch and fought hard not to do as he'd originally planned. Throw him out. Slam the door. Anything to wipe that smile off his face. Lamb looked happier than kitten chasing after a leaking cow and Logan was starting to feel his nerves tingling. He suddenly wished he'd stayed in bed.
"I'm sure they'll mention--"
"God dammit! WHAT!"
And there it was. Mother. Remains found. Those were the only words he paid attention to. Logan didn't say anything as the details were given. He knew Lamb was getting a kick out of this, the sick bastard. Who the hell gets their jollies by telling a kid they found his mothers remains floating down the coast somewhere? There was that karma again. He'd been blind-sided by his break-up with Veronica that he wasn't waiting for the next bad thing. Logan wanted to beat the shit out of Lamb right then but he was sure that the sheriff's karma would come along soon enough to take care of him as well. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, Logan. But bad things always happen to bad people. Never forget that. It was something his mother once told him. Funny, it was usually after his father inflicted a bad thing on him.
"As soon as all the loose ends are tied up, we'll be sure to ship the box on over." That statement should've spoke of condolences but Lamb had never let the smile fall from his face. Logan couldn't do anything but smile back. Never show weakness, son. The only useful thing his father might have ever taught him.
"How nice. Will you be delivering it yourself? I do miss you so when you're gone. Male bonding and all." Logan was overcompensating and he knew he should just shut up while he was ahead.
"I'll even tie a nice ribbon around it. How's that sound?" The words fuck you came to mind but Logan resisted that urge. Instead, he smiled bigger.
"Just like Christmas." Lamb's face scrunched in mocking. "Well, if that'll be all, I have things to do, laws to break. You know how it is."
"I've got my eye on you, Echolls." Lamb spoke as Logan ushered him out.
"No one likes a peeper, Donnie." And with that, he shut the door soundly.
Logan stood stock still with his fists clenched at his sides. His jaw twitching, he forced his body to move. He began to pace, his emotions stirring within him at a sickening rate just waiting to explode to the surface. Without thought or control, his arm swung out at the closest object it could find and suddenly glass was everywhere. He watched as tiny rivers of water ran towards him and he didn't move when they soaked through his socks. Logan looked up at the mantel and frowned. His father's own work of art dedicated to his dead mother was now but little shards, glinting and glaring at him from the floor. He never thought of it as her urn because deep down inside him he still grasped onto a little bit of denial. But like the waves that surely swallowed her whole, they also crushed his brittle hope that his mother was still alive.
And now Logan had finally had enough.
Logan wasn't a victim. No matter what horrible stuff happened to him, he wasn't a victim. He played his own game and fuck the rules. Lilly was dead. His mother was dead. His dad was a murderer and his (ex)girlfriend could care less about him. His mother had it mostly right. Bad things happen to everyone. And it was about time he stopped caring.
Finding his phone in his room, he dialed Dick's number.
"It's Logan. Come get me in 20 minutes."
"It's about time, dude! Shall I arrange for some lady company?"
"Not tonight. I'm in the mood to cause a little damage."
"Score! Be there in 20, bro."
Logan ended the call and chucked his phone on his bed with a glint in his eyes. If he truly did have nothing left to hold onto then he'll be damned if he wasn't going to enjoy the fall.