"Walking In The Light"
By Chocolate Wolfie
I bit my hand right where my thumb melted into my hand and became round. For some reason, biting there always made it feel better... whatever it was. When I was little, I remember how I would bite there when one of my parents was scolding me, or when they were having a fight, or when I was nervous about something in school. My mom would always come up to me and say:
"Riku! Why are you biting your hand?"
I would either say "I don't know." Or "I had an itch."
And every time, she would say, "Well don't bite there, its not good!
Not good for what? My hand? My head? My feelings?
I removed the knife from my pocket. I wondered if she had found that it was missing. Oh, Mom. She loved me so much. I remember the first time I went home... it had been hard. It had taken Sora and Kairi several days to coax me off of the island, and several more hours to pry me out of the row boat and drag me back home. I remember how I'd stood there in the kitchen; her back was facing me, and she was sitting at the table, looking exhausted. Her palm was resting on her brow, white-blonde hair spilling over it.
"Mom..." I had uttered quietly.
Her entire body had gone rigid. She slowly drew in a tiny breath. As she turned around, she rose from the seat where she had been moments prior.
"Riku..." She had whispered, tears forming in the coruscating, ice-blue eyes that I had inherited from her.
"Mom-" I chocked, I couldn't seem to find words to explain how mirthful I was to see her.
"RIKU!" She howled, and ran head-first into my chest, "MY BABY! MY LITTLE BOY!"
"Mom..." Still, nothing had formed in my mind except the sheer bliss it was to see her; to know I had been missed by her... that I was loved.
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SWEPT AWAY TO SEA! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK WHEN SORA CAME BACK BUT- BUT- OH, RIKU! MY SON IS BACK!" She screamed as I drew my hand up to pat her on the head, realizing I was now several inches taller than her.
"I am." I had whispered hoarsely.
I looked at my reflection in the lustrous blade as the light from the bright sun glimmered on it like an orb of white. How much I had changed in the past year. I still can't remember looking in a mirror once that year; it was like I was a different person the first time I saw myself again...
A drop of liquid diamond fell onto the blade and slowly slipped off.
There was no Riku anymore. No more pompous little prick to boss Sora around and hit on Kairi. No more. Nothing.
"Why am I here?" I inquired to my reflection. I winced as I drew it quickly across my arm. The sting shot through my body as I recoiled into myself, holding my arm close to my chest. It wasn't fair. What had I done but merely make things worse. Use my own desires to guide myself into a life of shadows and glory that I never needed in the first place, only to have my original intentions turned back on me.
"Shit!" I hissed to myself. Why wasn't it working? I quickly took the knife and cut my other arm, hoping it would help ease the pain. I gagged, seeing my own scarlet blood on the once clean knife; tears forming in my eyes from wincing so hard. I fell backwards, writing in pain. Cursing to myself, I kicked off my shoes and held the knife in my hand in a death-grip so hard that my knuckles turned white. I rolled back upwards and held my foot tightly.
I didn't deserve to walk in the light.
The knife pierced the thick skin at the top center of my foot as I gnawed away at my lower lip. I made sure it was deep- so it would not just cut the dead skin, but everything. Pulling it down, I felt the bile rise in my throat, stinging it and filling it with the sensation of flames as I watched the crimson blood slowly leak out of my foot; more and more as I drew the knife towards my heel. Finally, I quickly yanked it out, gasping for breath as I rolled onto my hands and proceeded to vomit over the rocks beside me, tears of pain leaking out of my eyes.
I didn't deserve it; not without a price.
Shuttering, I sat back up; my work not yet finished. The next foot was quick and painful; I stabbed it- not entirely sure of what I was doing- letting out a grunt of pain as I slit my foot and removed the knife as quickly as I could.
There was blood everywhere around me. On my hands, arms and feet; as well as staining the once beautifully-shining knife. The beautiful, rich soil of the island tainted with the color of pain.
Still feeling sick, I raised my hand to my mouth and bit it as hard as I could. Of all the things I could've done with my life, why did this have to be one of them? Why did I have to let my mind be corrupted, sending me through heart-wrenching pain and loneliness for an entire year? Why? WHY?
"Riku, what happened?"
I looked up with a tear-streaked face into the eyes of my Kairi and my Sora. The two instantly threw themselves down next to me.
"Oh Riku! What happened? What did you do?" Kairi sobbed, I could see the tears beginning to flow from the pools of lavender that were her elegant eyes. I didn't want her to cry; it hurt me just to look at it.
"Riku..." Sora mumbled as Kairi gingerly picked up my foot. Removing a hankie from her pocket she gently dabbed at it as a winced in pain.
"God, man... what the hell happened?" The boy with the dirty-blonde hair asked as he looked at my arm and wiped off the blood around it, Kairi switching to my other foot.
"Leave me alone." I muttered, "I don't need help."
But they didn't listen. Kairi took off to the old shack to get a first-aid kit, while Sora sat beside me and shook his head.
"Riku... what the hell were you thinking?" Sora sighed, exasperated.
"I don't know. Just go away." I replied in an emotionless voice.
Sora threw his arm around me and gave my arm a squeeze, a small rub, and then two pats, that's always what he's done. Ever since we were little; I can remember it as clear as day. We were about six or seven, and it was right before we had met Kairi. It was our first trip to the Islet alone and I had decided to show off to Sora.
"Hey Sora! Check it out!" I had cried, walking on top of the dangerously high rocks, "Look at what I can do!"
"Riku! Maybe that's not such a good idea... you may get hurt!" Sora called up to me.
"You're just jealous I have the guts the climb up here!" I'd bragged, my hands on my hips as a leaned foreword; as I did, I seemed to loose my balance. Yelling loudly, I toppled foreword, rolling as the gray rocks scraped my delicate, pale skin.
"Riku! Are you okay?" I blinked my eyes open. The only thing I could see was Sora's face illuminated by a hole of golden light from the sun it was blocking.
"Crap.. my head hurt really bad..." I moaned, sitting up, "And my mom's goanna kill me... she just got me these pants a few days ago."
"Don't say mean words." Sora had instructed as he sat down beside me, putting his small arm around me. A squeeze, a small rub, and two pats to my arm as he beamed at me.
"What was that for?" I sniffed angrily.
"That's what my dad always does when he puts him arm around me!" The still-beaming boy had said, "And that always makes me feel better."
"You're weird, Sora." I'd muttered coldly, even though it did make me feel like he cared about me, like we were friends.
I snapped back to the present as Kairi returned with the first-aid. It had been her idea to keep one at the Islet in the first place... right after the time Tidus had tripped on a starfish in the ocean and broken his nose...
"You shouldn't do things like this, Riku..." She sighed sadly, removing a brown bottle of hydrogen peroxide from the kit. As she poured it over my self-inflicted wounds, I could feel it fizz and clean the cuts on my feet. The girl then took a tissue and dabbed them dry -gingerly, so that it would not hurt- before wrapping them in white bandage and moving onto my left arm.
When Kairi heals you; you automatically know you're going to get better faster than you usually would. There's just something about her gentle touch, the look of sheer worry and concentration in her eyes... just something that makes you know. Those eyes the color of Violets... I remember the first time I ever saw them, peering nervously around the legs of the Mayor's wife, the woman she quietly referred to as "Grandmama".
"Now, sweetie! Sora and Riku came all the way over here just to meet you. Why not go play with them?" The old woman asked with a calm expression, reaching behind her to lightly pat Kairi on the head. The child quickly shook her head and tightened her grip around the elder woman's legs. She sighed and managed to get the girl to come to her side. The red-head stared at her pigeon-toed feet, her hands clasped behind her, and swayed slightly.
"Hi!" Sora half-yelled. The girl's eyes widened and she raced back behind the legs of the old woman.
"Go on, don't be shy." She prodded. Kairi nervously stepped out towards us as her "Grandmama" returned to her house.
"I'm Sora!" Beamed the dirty-blonde child, an eternal smile plastered on his face, "And this is Riku- he's a year older than me, and he's cool!"
"Hi. What's your name?" I inquired to the girl.
"Kairi..." She mumbled, looking up ever so slightly.
"HI KAIRI!" Sora actually managed to cause both of us to wince.
"Hi Sora... and Riku." Those large, gentle eyes travel up to meet mine and then to my arm, "Did you hurt it?"
"We were at the 'Little Island' a few hours ago, and Riku fell down and got hurt." Sora explained as he bounced from one foot to another.
"Didn't you put a band-aid on it?" Kairi asked as she walked over, taking my arm to observe the scrape.
"No..." I said slowly.
"Let's go inside. I'll put one on." Said Kairi as she took my hand and dragged me away. Once inside the small house, she went into the bathroom and stood up on top of a small, wooden stool; Sora grinned and began to flush the toilet for whatever reason.
"It flushes louder than at my house." He assessed with cheer as I rolled my eyes. Then I heard what still chills me to the bone to this day: the sound of glass bells in a cool, spring breeze; Kairi's laughter. The girl climbed down from the sink and walked up to me, leaning foreword with slight interest. With shock, I realized that she had noticed I was blushing.
"You're both funny." She smiled timidly, "I know you're nice, now."
"Um-" Was all that came out of my mind as she lightly took my hand one more and raised it up towards her face. After peeling off the white paper, she set it aside and applied the flesh-colored bandage to my arm, kissing it with lips as light as a feather.
"All better." She whispered softly; I blushed brighter.
"I got an idea! Kairi can be the doctor at the 'Little Island'!" Declared Sora happily as he handed Kairi a wad of toilet paper.
"What's this for?" The girl inquired gently.
"I'm dying." Sora whispered dramatically, and proceeded to throw himself to the ground.
"Oh no!" Kairi gasped, genuinely worried.
"I feel off a bazillion-foot building," He told her, "And I broke my arm, so all the blood and guts are coming out of it!"
Kairi sighed in relief, realizing that he was just playing, "What do I gotta do?"
"Wrap up my arm and make it all better, 'corse!" Sora grinned.
"And what about me?" I demanded.
"You can be the doctor-guy or you can be in a car-accident!" Sora suggested.
"How about I be a robber, trying to steal all the medicine?" I decided.
"Yeah!" Kairi nodded earnestly, "And I can try to stop you!"
"What're we waiting for? Let's go!" Sora yelled, dragging Kairi and me along.
Back on the islet, I laughed faintly. Sora and Kairi had helped move me to a clean area where I could rest.
"What's so funny?" Sora inquired, leaning foreword, in front of my face, that same, beaming face from all those years ago still shining to mire.
"Just us." I grinned, relaxing into the firm rock, which held me up.
"Us what?" Kairi smirked, conking her head into Sora's, purposefully.
"We're so dumb." I shook my head, my smile brightening.
"You're calling us dumb?" Sora snorted.
"Yeah." I nodded.
"And why's that?" Kairi inquired, resting her head on my shoulder.
"I don't know." I shrugged, "Keeping stupid promises, I guess."
I looked into the sunset... it was about the same time of day we'd made the promise. Each one of us grasping one of Kairi's hands as we swung them back and forth, traipsing along the golden sand, each grain a treasure, a memory in our hearts.
"Let's be best friends, forever, okay?" Sora suggested.
"Yeah! Forever!" Kairi grinned in reply.
"Okay." I smiled.
Sora and Kairi stood up, helping me off of the ground as they hooked their arms around mine. Though every step I took stung my feet, as I had wished it; walking with Sora and Kairi felt better than any other time I'd ever walked before. Though it may take me forever to atone for my sins, I can still say...
Maybe I am worthy of walking in the light.
IMPORTANT: As I say in every one of these angsty, emotional fan fictions I write during the summer, I DO NOT FEEL THIS WAY. Though I have dealt with anxiety, I do not ever intend to harm myself in any way, nor have I ever (I once did bite my hand, like Riku does in this story, but only one time quite a while ago). I also do not own Kingdom Hearts. I will, however, someday find a way to make Riku MINE!
Ahem, back to the point.
This story, as well as any other of my stories that deal with this matter, is devoted to a kid named Evan that used to attend my middle school, who committed suicide. It breaks my heart to know that he just so easily took his own life away... and I never think that should be the case. PLEASE if you are someone, or know someone, who is inflicting pain on themselves or attempting suicide, PLEASE let your parents or a school official know, or if you are somebody, you can always find help. Confide in your friend, your sibling, your parent, your aunt, uncle, teacher, ANYBODY who can help you with something such as this. You are even more than welcome to confide in me if you need any help. As I tell people, I am here to be a friend for anybody that needs me as a friend or somebody to talk to. Doing things such as this is NEVER the right thing to do. Thank you for your time!