Disclaimer: We do not own CSI or any of the characters. We also do not own Sims 2, Star Wars, Stargate, Harry Potter, X-files, Star Trek, Lord of the rings, the Matrix, Acme, Wine gums, Green Day or anything else you recognise. ( if we did we wouldn't be writing fanfiction, we'd be out buying lots of things with our millions of pounds!)
Summary: Take the most annoying character on TV, two bored teenagers and their vivid imaginations. The title explains it all.
Thena: We realise that this will annoy several million Sara fans. Therefore, if you are a Sara fan, DON'T READ IT. We have given you fair warning. See if you can guess all the references to other shows.
Blue: We wrote this a while ago and dug it up and decided to see what would happen if we posted it. At the least, look on it as an amusing diversion.
Oh, and Thena is completely obsessed with wine gums, especially the green ones. She goes mental if anyone else eats one, so hopefully, that will explain some of this.
Odd numbers are Thena's ideas, even numbers are mine.
Enjoy and please don't use any of the methods shown to kill us, because that would be copyright.
Killing Sara Sidle
It was quiet in the lab. There were no cases to solve and Greg was working on his paperwork.
He had long since grown bored of this, and eventually decided on randomly scribbling on bits of paper. His mind fell to Sara, who'd given him the paperwork in the first place and he began to write…
Number 1: Grissom "accidentally" releases his bugs and they eat her.
Number 2: As an experiment Greg drops a tomato from the lab roof and its increased velocity/mass kills her when it hits her.
Number 3: Everyone gets so fed up with her stealing their screen time, they take her back to the mental place and "forget" to lock the doors.
Number 4: Catherine gets so angry at her she stabs her with her stilettos.
Number 5: She is jealous of Catherine and tries to pole dance. Everyone gets so sick they throw things at her and kill her.
Number 6: Nick beats her to death with his equipment case.
Number 7: Sophia and Sara fight over Grissom. They both lose.
Number 8: Ecklie's head finally explodes from all that butt kissing and the explosion kills Sara.
Number 9: As a diversion, Sara begins throwing pencils into the ceiling. She throws one the wrong way. It falls earthward towards her head, point down.
Number 10: Brass skewers her with his detective badge.
Number 11: She finds out she has a fatal allergy to Luminol.
Number 12: She gets her sleeve caught in Grissom's car door while she's stalking him. She gets dragged along the freeway and slides under an oil tanker. Which then explodes.
Number 13: Her fingerprints go through AFIS and match with a mass murderer so everyone kills her.
Number 14: She gets 'accidentally' locked in the store cupboard and dies slowly of starvation.
Number 15: She goes out in a rainstorm hoping Grissom will save her. She gets electrocuted.
Number 16: She gets sealed inside a giant evidence bag and suffocates.
Number 17: She gets kidnapped and held hostage for £100. Nobody wants to pay and the kidnapper can't listen to her whining. She dies.
Number 18: Greg drowns her in his hair gel for being so evil.
Number 19: Catherine uses her hairspray to suffocate her and mascara to stab her.
Number 20: She inhales a bottle of fingerprint dust and chokes.
Number 21: She uses her computer and it sucks her into the Sims2. Grissom sees the resemblance and drowns her.
Number 22: Warrick loses her right to live in a bet with Nick. Nick kills her.
Number 23: She starts talking and finally bores herself to death.
Number 24: Close to dying of boredom themselves, the Las Vegas police department gives her the death penalty.
Number 25: She falls asleep at breakfast and drowns in her blue jello.
Number 26: The team plant a bomb in her SUV.
Number 27: The team wonder if they can commit the perfect murder. There is only one logical choice.
Number 28: They tie her to a post in the labs firing range and use her for target practice.
Number 29: They go to a fair and ask for a volunteer for the human cannonball. She volunteers. There is a "tragic" accident.
Number 30: Someone puts arsenic in her coffee.
Number 31: She goes out drinking with Greg and tries to match him drink for drink. She dies of alcohol poisoning.
Number 32: The team batter her to death with their copies of the csi game.
Number 33: She goes to investigate the deaths of several young boys who have been cut in half with a shiny lightsaber. The murderer returns with yellow eyes.
Number 34: Her eyes start to glow and she talks in a strange voice, suddenly four strange people in Air Force uniforms appear, shoot her, then disappear. The team are happy but confused.
Number 35: She investigates a death in the Air Force and flirts with a certain general O'Neill. A certain general's wife and mother of his children beat her to death.
Number 36: Two secret FBI agents decide Sara is a dangerous alien life form and kill her.
Number 37: She somehow finds herself on a Starfleet ship. The crew think she is a Klingon spy and shoot her.
Number 38: She runs into the glass partition in the lab and gives herself a fatal head injury.
Number 39: She goes into a crime scene with hazardous waste. Greg doesn't want to share a shower with her after last time so she dies.
Number 40: Grissom gets so sick of her annoying him and beats her head in with his paperwork.
Number 41: When filling in a form, Sara gets a paper cut. Across her wrist!
Number 42: When she goes up to the roof of the lab to cry by herself about Grissom. Nick, Greg and Warrick push her off to see if she bounces. She doesn't.
Number 43: She goes outside to have a cigarette. She forgot that earlier she was at a crime scene covered in gasoline.
Number 44: Greg builds a lightsaber and ignites it in the break room to show the others. Sara trips.
Number 45: Sara finds a ring in an old store closet. It seems to speak to her. Her skin starts turning grey and she forgets how to walk...
Number 46: A strange man in a black tie suit and sunglasses comes up to her in the lab and says ' Ms Sidle, so nice to see you'.
Number 47: A strange man with a long cloak and a thin wooden stick walks up to Sara. There is a flash of green light...
Number 48: She gets her eyes pecked out by birds and while stumbling around walks in front of a lorry.
Number 49: While looking for vital evidence, she crawls around in air conditioning pipes. Someone turns on the fans.
Number 50: She gets her head slammed in a locker.
Number 51: She goes up in the lift to the top floor. Greg as "a joke" cuts the wire and it goes crashing down.
Number 52: She gets her hair caught in the fume hood and dies of chemical poisoning.
Number 53: She walks in the snow and gets frostbite in her toe. Despite everyone's best efforts, it spreads and she dies.
Number 54: Doc Robbins mistakes Sara for a corpse and dissects her.
Number 55: I go to Las Vegas and meet her on the street eating a green wine gum. Need I say anymore?
Number 56: The team play dodge ball. With bullets. Sara loses.
Number 57: Sara insults Catherine who challenges her to a fight. Catherine uses her fingernails.
Number 58: The guys tie her to a train track to make their own black and white movie. They then go for a beer 2 minutes before the next train.
Number 59: She signs up to an online dating service. It turns out to be a mail order bride service and she goes to Cuba, then she gets hit on the head with a coconut while on her honeymoon.
Number 60: For no apparent reason, an acme piano falls from the sky and lands on her.
Number 61: Grissom hands her a beeping object and asks her to hold it. He then runs away and presses a button. It was a bomb.
Number 62: The coffee maker in the break room malfunctions, she drowns in coffee.(but not Greg's decent Blue Hawaiian coffee, that would be a waste)
Number 63: Sara investigates a murder. While examining the body a long gross worm comes out of the body... and into her ear.
Number 64: The team charges an EMP, they find out Sara is an android.
Number 65: Sara gets really bad hay fever. On a very sunny day she sneezes her brain out.
Number 66: Greg beheads her with his surfboard.
Number 67: She looks through the fridge and finds a can with "Greg" on it. Being selfish she drinks it anyway and it turns out to be acid.
Number 68: She falls into Grissoms ant farm. She gets bitten to death.
Number 69: She tries smiling for once and her body isn't used to such an unusual action. It shuts down completely.
Number 70: She falls to her death down a large hole a certain blond Las Vegas CSI dug for an 'experiment'.
Number 71: She goes to Miami for a holiday. She meets a very blonde very dumb CSI whose voice makes her eardrums bleed and her brain trickle out.
Number 72: She gets tangled up in crime scene taped and strangles herself trying to escape.
Number 73: At a crime scene, she tries to connect with yet another orphaned/abused kid. They get annoyed and stab her.
Number 74: She goes by plane to a conference in Australia with Ecklie. He whines for nine hours straight. Sara gets off the plane long before it lands.
Number 75: Sara finds a caterpillar on her arm. She talks to it, names it Grissom and falls in love with it. When she tries to kiss "Grissom" he bites her. And he's poisonous.
Number 76: She sees herself in a mirror, realises she's a guy and has a heart attack.
Number 77: Sara eats a packet of wine gums and finds out she's allergic to them. Her whole body turns green with red spots and swells up. She doesn't stop swelling until she explodes!
Number 78: When using the microscope, she slips and impales herself on it.
Number 79: After another rejection from Grissom, Sara wakes up one Sunday morning and finds Ecklie in her bed. The sight of his naked body instantly kills her.
Number 80: The team push her into a giant freezer. They then use her frozen corpse as a coat stand.
Number 81: While at the zoo, Sara leans over the warthog enclosure for a closer look. Catherine "slips" and knocks her in. The warthogs see Sara as a rival and eat her.
Number 82: Nick 'accidentally' mistakes her for a fleeing suspect and shoots her with his gun.
Number 83: Sara is watching a football game (American football) with Greg and spots a body on the pitch. She rushes down there to save them and ends up being mistaken for the ball. They kick her to death. And the body was a drunken cheerleader.
Number 84: Sara steals a packet of wine gums from Greg. She then chokes on one. The team are mad at her for being mean to Greg and ignore her.
Number 85: Sara decides to turn into the perfect woman and starts ironing. She gets confused when the phone starts ringing and wonders why her shirt is still creased and why her ear is hissing.
Number 86: Sara decides to get a pet cat. However due to a mix up at the pet shop they send her a komodo dragon, which eats her.
Number 87: Her computer stops working and Greg tells her it is probably the mouse. She places a bit of cheese by the mouse and waits for the mouse to grab it. After 3 days nothing happens. Sara decides to drown the mouse by tipping water over it. She forgets a computer is ELECTRICAL!
Number 88: Because she is jealous of Catherine's strawberry blond hair, she decides to dye her own. She asks Greg to mix her some hair dye in the lab. He 'accidentally' gives her a bottle of hydrochloric acid instead. Her head dissolves.
Number 89: In the interest of "scientific experiments" Grissom forces her to listen to the crazy frog song for a week straight. When the go to check on her, her brain has melted.
Number 90: Sara is checking the lab printer because it's not working. Nick comes in and presses the on button while her heads inside. The team find her mangled, inky body a few hours later.
Number 91: She eats an apple and swallows a pip. The pip grows into a tree and burst out of her body, ripping apart all of her organs. She dies.
Number 92: The bodies in the morgue become zombies and open Sara's head to look for brains. Finding none, they kill her and go back to being dead.
Number 93: Sara goes fox hunting. While searching for foxes, she stumbles into one of her own bear traps (I know she shouldn't use BEAR traps for a fox but she's just that dumb) she tries to chew off her leg to go for help but can't get through the bone. A family of foxes arrive and see an easy meal.
Number 94: The guys decide to cover her in cement for a joke. They decide she makes a very ugly statue and smash her with sledgehammers.
Number 95: Sara gets kidnapped by enemy CSI's. They start torturing her for information about the others. She can no longer take the pain and uses the method Grissom gave her to take her own life. A rusty hammer.
Number 96: During a test using dry ice, Sara's suit becomes faulty and she begins to suffocate. Greg, who is too busy listening to Green Day on his ipod, doesn't hear the choking noises. He also doesn't really care.
Number 97: The lab decides to throw a fancy dress party and hands out costumes. Sara gets an elephant. While putting on the trunk, it somehow gets caught around her neck. She struggles to pull it free but it keeps getting tighter and tighter.
Number 98: She accidentally eats a steak disguised as a lettuce by the team. She is so horrified she screams and swallows her tongue. The team are busy enjoying their own steaks and ignore the squelchy sounds of her death.
Number 99: The gang visits the zoo. Greg gets lost at the monkeys, Grissom at the bugs, Warrick at the horses, Nick at the lions and Catherine at the nail parlour
this leaves Sara to visit the rest of the zoo on her own. She finds a button saying "Do not press" When she does press it all the cages open.
Everyone has the sense of mind to leave quickly. Sara wants to stroke the pretty snake. When all the animals are captured, they find a giant python with a huge lump in the middle, with shouts coming out of it. They stroll off and leave her to be digested.
Number 100: Sara yet again tries to depress the lab with her life story. The team asks her to go to the break room. She enters and it is pitch black inside. She screams and then the door shuts. An hour later, Grissom, Catherine, Warrick, Nick and Greg emerge looking satisfied. They then all go for a beer to celebrate. Sara Sidle is never seen again, but there is a suspicious mound of dirt next to the car park.
Number 101: Two teenagers from England go to the lab. They beat Sara to death with a document called '101 ways to kill Sara Sidle'. The team are so grateful that they ask them to join them and help solve cases.