Title: Darkon and the Parrot; A Very Silly Way to Beat Darkon

Author: Omnicat v''v

Rating: K+

Genre: Humor, bordering on Parody

Spoilers and desirable foreknowledge: Eh... make it Teknoman (preferably the British/Australian version) in its entirety.

Warnings: OOC. But only slightly. (wink)

Pairings: Hints of past Catherine x Conrad.

Soundtrack: Let's call the whole thing off, by whoever sung it first.

Disclaimer: Teknoman/Tekkaman Blade's all mine, and I'm getting rich by writing this, all right? No, not all right. All wrong.

Summary: A very silly way to beat Darkon: with a parrot.

Author's Note: This place needs a little more humour. And better titles. (sweatdrop)


Darkon and the Parrot

"Okay everybody, stop what you're doing. Our Supreme Lord Commander Darkon is going to give a speech!" Sword's deep voice boomed through the halls of the Venomoid mother ship. The spidercrabs she was addressing paused to look at each other apprehensively.

Again? they groaned to each other through their telepathic links.

"I can hear that!" Sword snapped. The spidercrabs quickly shut their jaws, physically as well as mentally.

"Come on, move your butts!" Sword barked. "You know the drill. It'll be over sooner if you stop stalling!"

With a last stern look to the spidercrabs, whom filed out of their chambers muttering darkly, Sword stomped off to retrieve her fellow Teknomen. The lazy bums were still in bed, so Sword had to drag Saber, Axe and Lance to the grand hall.

"Men are all the same," she muttered as she yanked a whimpering Saber along by the ear. "They'd die out without women to look after them."

"Kahk! Die out without women to look after them, kahk!"

Sword glared at the motley bird that fluttered after Saber. "Why do you keep that infernal creature, Saber? The trouble we have to go through just to supply it with food is causing mass nervous breakdown among the spidercrabs. Not being allowed to eat the little pest's food - not to mention the bugger itself - is killing them."

"Hey, don't talk about Little Nick like that, you witch! And let me go!"

Sword stopped to stare at Saber curiously. Axe and Lance wisely continued on their way, exchanging meaningful glances.

"Little Nick?"

Saber managed to tear his ear out of Sword's grasp with minimal suffering on his part. Rubbing the side of his head, he glared at Sword disdainfully.

"Yes. That's his name. He's going to replace my twin brother. After I've destroyed Blade, I'm sure to get bored and lonely, so Little Nick here will be with me from then on to fill in the emptied place as my double." The parrot landed on Saber's shoulder and he stroked it fondly, cooing a bit to his pet.

Sword stared at him for a moment longer before shaking her head. "Typical." she muttered. "We must go now. Darkon is waiting for us to arrive before giving his speech."

Saber huffed, but followed after her, Little Nick perched on his shoulder. The 'throne room' of the mother ship was packed with spidercrabs, literally up to the rafters. Their mere presence created a free path through the mass of alien bodies for Sword and Saber. Sword was secretly glad she wouldn't have to touch the disgusting drones: though Sword was a Teknoman, a lieutenant to the Venomoid troupes, Catherine had never been fond of spiders or crabs. They took their respective places on either side of Darkon, Sword receiving annoyed looks from the men she'd woken up earlier. If Darkon was looking at her too she wasn't able to tell through his armour, but the annoyed way he scraped his throat before he started his speech was telling enough.

"My Venomoid underlings!" the Warlord started, to get the attention of the unusually rowdy crowd of spidercrabs. "Silence! It is time for you to learn of our grand master plan to destroy Earth's defences and conquer the planet that has thwarted our plans for so long!"

His ominous, booming voice boomed ominously, reaching every end of the cavernous room, despite the muffling effect of the countless spidercrab bodies. Sword tried with all her might not to cringe or make a face. Even as a will-less pawn she loved him to death, but this...

"It is the traitor whom Blade I speak of!" Darkon continued, and Sword mourned the fact that she couldn't scold her fiancé anymore. "He, who should rightfully be one of our elite, and his pathetic band of Space Knight rebels, have defied us once too often! It is clear that he has chosen the side of the Earthlings, thus renouncing his true masters! So be it! He knows not where his loyalties should lie, and pay he will for it, by suffering the fate shared by all those who oppose us. He will be destroyed!" The war cry was met with the spidercrab equivalent of perfunctory applause.

"Kahk, destroyed!"

The Teknomen froze.

"Oppose us, traitor rebels, destroyed! Khak!"

Saber frantically clamped his hands over the bird's beak, but it was already too late. Darkon looked straight ahead while he mumbled from what would have been the corner of his mouth: "Keep that bird silent, or else."

"Yes, my lord." Saber assured hastily, tightening his grip on the bird's head.

"Good. Now, where was I?" Darkon scraped throat. "We will destroy Blade, and annihilate his Space Knight friends and the Earth's military forces alike! They will be crushed, squashed like the bugs they are under the foot of our superior forces! Their annihilation will be shameful, like their very existence is a stain on the planet that belongs to us by galactic right!"

"Sword, tell me something." Lance muttered in her ear as Darkon boomed on. "You spend a lot of time with the spidercrabs. Do you think he does this because they need to be told everything two hundred times, every week? Or is it meant as purely sadistic, narcistic torture?"

Sword dug her heel into his foot.

"- and when our master plan is completed, Earth will be ours! Darkness will unfold its banner across yet another region of the cosmos!"

At -nother, Darkon spread his arms in his enthusiasm, knocking into Saber halfway through the wide gesture. Saber stumbled backwards and let go of Little Nick, who immediately flew off, croaking for all he was worth.

"Kah, khak! Darkness will unfold its banner, kahk!" the parrot exclaimed. Its voice sounded shrill in the suddenly hushed space, penetratingly sharp and with the intonations of what humans recognized as mockery. Darkon froze, arms flung back and booming voice still echoing.

"Khak, Blade will be destroyed, destroyed, Darkness will unfold its banner, kahk! We will conquer the Earth, trample all those who oppose us, the treacherous Blade will be banished! Our rightful place as rulers of the galaxy, we are the Borg, resistance is futile, Blade will be destroyed! Khah-ahk!"

Saber finally managed to catch Little Nick by his tail feathers and yanked him into the questionable safety of the inside of his jacket. His terrified eyes shot to Darkon along with all other eyes in the room.

The Venomoid Warlord still stood in the same position. The room itself held its breath. Then the four Teknomen gathered around their leader heard a tiny, almost unrecognizable voice say: "Saber... Sword... do I really sound like that?"

Before the smarter of the quartet could respond, Lance and Axe gave the wrong answer for them: "Yes!"

Sword and Saber were waiting for the room to explode. It didn't.

"Out." Darkon mumbled. "Get out."

Sword immediately came into action. "Spidercrabs, get back to your stations! The meeting is over!"

"You too, Sword." Darkon said, lowly, as the male Teknomen fled from the room along with the spidercrabs.

"But -"

"No buts. Go!"

The door was locked (someway) behind Sword and didn't open again for days. Saber temporarily took over Darkon's task as the Warlord - which led to pretty big losses on the Venomoid side, due to some irresponsible trips to and from earth, mostly Blade's current position and some or other tropical rainforest where Little Nick's species originally lived. Sword spent all the time she could save patrolling before that closed door. After five days, she began knocking and asking Darkon if he was all right. After seven days, she began shouting. After ten days, she resorted to pleading.

"Sword, just give up already." Saber said, shaking his head. "Your behaviour borders on insubordination."

Sword ignored him. "Answer me, Darkon! Please! Conrad, sweetie, isn't there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

Finally, the door opened to a narrow crack and an overjoyed Sword immediately slipped inside. Outside, Saber paled. He remembered what Catherine used to use that tone of voice for...

Darkon handed her a note.


it read in the terrible script of someone who tries to write with armoured gloves on,

I know you still love me and will thus try to make me feel better by telling me what I want to hear. Tell me: do I really sound like that?

Sword bit her lip until she almost drew blood, before she tore the words from her mouth. "No. It's worse."

Darkon nodded gravely and handed her another note.

I see. Please inform the spidercrabs and the other Teknomen that the invasion has been called off.

"What! After everything that has happened, after all we've been through and everything we've already accomplished, you're going to just call the whole thing off!"

"Sword," Darkon said finally, using his voice for the first time in ten days. "Anything that sounds that corny and bombastic in speech, can not be any better in practice. This invasion was a bad idea."

Sword sweatdropped.


PSAN: ... tadeng! Well, that was very silly. Now you know the one thing that grieves me about Teknoman, and prevents me from showing it to those around me: Darkon's vocabulary. If you liked this, I have more Very Silly Ways To Beat Darkon planned, and suggestions are welcome! Read and Review, please!