The Paper Bag Competition
It was Saturday night, and the Marauders were doing what the did quite frequently on Satureday nights—wandering the castle drunk. Or, at least, James and Sirius were drunk, and Remus and Peter were just slightly tipsy, and supervising the other two.
James and Sirius were walking along singing loudly, when Snape walked around the corner carrying a pile of books.
"Oh look, Sirius!" James said loudly. "It's our most wonderful best friend!" He stumbled forward a bit, but Remus caught him and pulled him back.
"Not now, James. Let's just get back to the dorm." he said, steering James away from the glowering Snape.
"Oh, come on, Remus," Sirius joined in. "We just wanna have a little fun with our buddy! We're not gonna rough him up too bad."
Snape scoffed. "Oh, I'm not worried. You two couldn't rough me up if you wanted to. In your current state, I'd be surprised if you could fight your way out of a paper bag."
James laughed loudly. "I could fight my way out of ten paper bags!"
"A hundred paper bags!" Sirius added.
"No, a thousand!" James shouted.
"We're the paper bag kings!" Sirius laughed. "There's never been a paper bag we couldn't fight our way out of!"
Snape laughed. "All right then, here's what we'll do. How about a competition?"
"We love competitions!" Sirius shouted. "I'll do it!"
Remus sighed, and sat down next to Peter. "Whatever they're getting themselves into, they deserve it."
Snape took his wand out, and in an instant, James and Sirius were enveloped in a giant paper bag.
"Can you hear me?" Snape shouted through the bag.
"Yes, idiot, we can hear you," Sirius shouted back. "What are we doing in a bag?"
"Well, you said you wouldn't have a problem fighting your way out, so I thought I'd give you both an oppurtunity to prove yourselves. The first one out of the bag wins!"
"Great! It's definitely gonna be me!" James shouted. "Get ready to get the shit kicked out of you, Snivellus!"
"In your dreams, Potter! It's gonna be me out of this bag, and you know it!" Sirius shouted.
It took James and Sirius only a few minutes to realize that they weren't getting out of the bag any time soon. James was punching, kicking, head butting, and anything else he could think of to break it, but nothing was happening. Sirius had given up in seconds, and was now sitting on the floor, mutterring, "Well, I didn't wanna get out of the stupid bag, anyways."
James soon sat down next to Sirius and shouted, "This isn't fair, Snivellus! There's something wrong with this bag!"
When there was no answer, Sirius stood up and walked closer to the wall of the bag. "Snivellus? Are you there?"
"Remus? Peter?" James called. "Hello? Somebody?"
Sirius fell to his knees. "Help! We're stuck in a paper bag with nothing to eat or drink! I don't wanna die in a paper bag!"
"We're not gonna die, Padfoot," James laughed. "It's just a paper bag."
"Well, when someone finds us, we'll be lying in the middle of the hall, drunk in a giant paper bag!" Sirius shouted.
"Stop yelling. We'll get out eventually. It can't be that difficult."
"Well then you get out. Go on, try again. I'd love to see that adorable head butting thing again," Sirius laughed.
"Oh, very funny. At least I was trying. You just sat on the floor after a second or two."
Sirius glared at him. "Well, yes. That's because I could see I wasn't getting anywhere. It just took you a bit longer to get that through your thick skull."
James tried to get up and hit him, but he failed miserably, and fell flat on his face."Oh, wonderful. Of all the people I could have been stuck in a paper bag with..."
"It's your fault we're stuck in a paper bag in the first place!"
"What? It wasn't me who agreed to this stupid competition!"
"However, my dear Prongs, you were the one who provoked him," Sirius said, poking his tongue out.
"Fine. You can just keep acting like an idiot all night, but you can do it on your side of the bag. I'll be over here being civilized," James said, moving so that his back was to Sirius. They sat in silence for a few moments, before they heard girls' voices.
"What the bloody hell is that?"
"It looks like a giant paper bag."
"Well, what's it doing here?"
"I have no idea. Maybe we'd better get a professor..."
Sirius leapt up, shouting, "Wait! Help us! We're stuck in here with no food or water, and we're going to DIE!"
James rolled his eyes.
"Who's in there?" one of the voices shouted.
"No of your damn business," James said. "We don't need your help. I'm perfectly capable of doing this myself."
"NO!" Sirius shouted deperately. "We'll never survive if you leave us here!"
The two boys heard giggling, and then one of the girls said, "Let me guess... It's James Potter and Sirius Black, and somehow, you were very drunk, and ended up in this bag."
"Well, it's not exactly difficult to guess..." James mumbled moodily.
"All right, so you can't break through the bag?"
"No! It's impossible! There's something wrong with this bag!" Sirius shouted.
"Well, if you don't mind me asking..." the other girl said, "why don't you just climb through the opening at the top?"
James and Sirius both looked up, and sure enough, the top of the bag was open. Sirius immediately began scrambling for the top, and James followed grudgingly behind him.
The girls were already walking off laughing as the boys jumped to the floor.
"I knew the opening was there," James mumbled. "I wanted to do it the hard way."
Sirius laughed and began walking toward the Gryffindor common room. "Whatever, mate."
"That was a stupid competition," James said, walking after him.
"Yea, it was. But I still beat you."