Summary: Sometimes being unfaithful can hurt more than just yourself
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R.
Disclaimer: Anything doing with the BSC belongs to Ann M. Martin. I just like to make them angsty and gay. The song "Unfaithful" is by Rihanna.
being unfaithful can hurt more than just yourself.And
I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I watch him through the mirror as I do my hair and makeup, and I feel a stab of guilt run through me as I prepare once again to go out without him. I wish that I could change the situation, but if I told him where I was going, it would kill him. Not that what I'm doing isn't killing him now, because I know he suspects something is wrong. If I could have only been honest with him since the beginning, maybe none of this would have happened. I know that I didn't mean for any of this to happen, that I never set out to fall in love with someone else. I didn't mean to fall in love with my best friend.
Sighing, I put the last finishing touches on my makeup and grab my purse. He stirs behind me and I freeze momentarily, hoping against hope that he doesn't wake up. Luck is not on my side as he wakes up and glances at me and frowns, and I brace myself for the questions that will surely follow.
out again?" he asks in his soft southern drawl.
"Yeah, Kristy called and asked me to come over and help her with some figures for her Physics class."
"I didn't hear the phone ring."
"You were asleep."
"Are you sure your going over to Kristy's and not some other guy's dorm room?" he asks, half jokingly.
"I promise you, I'm going over to Kristy's and not some other guy's dorm room." I amazed at how effortlessly the lie rolls off my tongue and he looks at me suspiciously, knowing that I am lying. I lean down and give him kiss on the cheek, placating him some what when I promise him I'll be home in a couple of hours and that we can spend the rest of the evening together.
Sighing as I close the door behind me, I wonder how much longer I can keep this charade up. I don't want to hurt him anymore; after all we've been together off and on since the eighth grade. We're now juniors in college and living together in an off campus apartment, which did not make my father happy. However, it would make my father less happy if he knew what his darling daughter was really doing with her spare time.
Reaching my destination, I don't bother to knock and just walk right in and before I can get any farther into the house, I am pushed back against the wall and pinned there. I look up at the woman who I am truly in love with, who I would drop every pretense with and give up everything to be with, only if she would let me. However, she won't let me, as we both have pretenses to keep up, a charade that we've been playing so long that I don't even know if we both could stop this charade even if we wanted too.
Leaning down, her tongue invades my mouth and I melt against her, giving myself to her in a way that I could never give myself to Logan. I wrap my arms around her neck and she deepens the kiss, and I walk her back towards the bedroom, where we both fall onto the bed and give into the tension and the passion that surrounds us when we are out in public and unable to be together the way we want to. After all, pretenses and charades are so important to keep.
We make love for hours on end, losing track of time like we usually do when we are together. After catching our breath, I look up at her and play with a strand of her long silky hair. "That was some greeting. I take it you missed me as much as I missed you."
"Always," she says lighting up a cigarette and taking a puff on it, exhaling and watching the smoke drift up towards the ceiling.
"Every second apart from you is an eternity."
I take a deep breath and say what I've been wanting to say for years now, since we started this 'affair' back in the summer of our junior year of high school. "Then let me end it, let me be with you. Let me tell my parents and your parents the truth. That we're in love with each other and that we want to be together."
"You know we can't do that, Mary Anne. You know that while it would be okay for me to be this way, you would be ostracized from your family and our friends wouldn't understand. Stacey might, as might Kristy, but other than that, none of the others would understand. They would say that we're just experimenting and that we'll get over this phase in our lives."
"Phase? Four years of sleeping together and its still just considered a phase? And who says the rest of them wouldn't understand?"
"You're saying that your father would understand that his darling daughter was a lesbian? That he would accept that from you when he's pushed you towards perfection your whole life?"
"Fuck perfection. Fuck what my father thinks. I want to be with you. I can't take hurting Logan anymore, I can't take the lying and the sneaking around when all I want is to be with you. Why can't you understand that?"
"I understand it for now, but what if your feelings change?" Tears streaks down her cheek and I lean over and wipe it away. "My feelings haven't changed in four years, what makes you think there going to change anytime soon?"
Looking away from me, she doesn't answer me, but gets up and picks up my clothes, handing them to me. "You should get going, Logan's probably wondering where you're at. It's late."
"So is all I am to you a quick, easy lay? Is that all I've been to you for four years now? Is just an easy lay?" I see another tear streak down her cheek and she doesn't answer me. "Answer me, goddamn it. Tell me the truth."
"You know I love you." I stop and look at her, for those are the first time in four years that the words have come out of her mouth. "You lov...love me?"
She nods and I stare at her speechless. "But we can't be together. Not now anyways. Maybe if we started this now, it would be different, but for now, we can't be together. Not in the way that we would like to be. You have your life and I have mine. Like you, I can't take the thought of hurting Logan. He's like a brother to me and he truly loves you, Mary Anne. Go back to him and live the life that you've always been destined to live."
"Why does this feel like this is good-bye?"
Smiling slightly, she runs her hand down the side of my face. "Its not good bye as so much as you have a destiny to fulfill without me. If, by some chance, things don't work out between you and Logan, you know where I'll be. After all, the tortured artist never goes far from home."
I choke back a sob as I watch her turn and walk away from me. "Claud...just tell me one thing. Did this mean anything to you at all?"
She looks back at me, and in the shadows, I can't tell if she's crying or not. "It meant more to me than you will ever know. They say everyone has one true love, I think you were mine. But at least I can say that at least once in my life, I experienced what true love felt like. Thank you for giving that to me at least. Thank you for making me feel special."
She closes the door behind her, and I stare at it for a long moment, wanting to go and open it, but knowing that I can't, because she has made her decision and I have to live with that. For one brief moment in time, I knew what it was like to be free with someone, to give myself totally to someone, body, mind and soul. For one brief moment, I knew the woman that I could be if I allowed myself to be able to be free and at ease.
Turning from the door, I wipe the tears from my eyes, whispering, "I love you too, Claudia."
And I begin my long walk home.