Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize, sadly.
The Marauders sat in the living room in James and Lily Potter's house in Godric's Hollow. It was their last night as a foursome, because Sirius would be leaving the next day to be the star of a reality show.
"I can't believe you're going to do this, Padfoot." James Potter said, laughing hysterically.
"What? You mean go on a reality show where I choose from the hottest, brightest, and best girls I've ever been paired up with in the realms of fan fiction and choose my favourite?" Sirius responded.
"No, that's not what I meant at all," James said sarcastically.
"I dunno, mate, seeing how happy you and Lily are together, I think I may need to settle down soon. Who knows? I may not even be around for much longer." Sirius said.
"What do you mean? Are you planning on snuffing it?" Remus asked curiously.
"No way. But you never know, mate. I could end up being locked up in Azkaban for a crime I didn't commit. I would escape, of course, because I'm great like that, but then something really stupid would happen to me. Like getting offed by drapery." He said. The others stared at him. "I have no idea where that came from." Sirius added, shaking his head.
"This is probably the stupidest, most half-baked idea for a fan fiction ever." Remus said. James and Peter nodded in agreement.
"Are you kidding me? A houseful of girls climbing all over me for a month? This is the best idea anyone has ever had in the history of ever!" Sirius exclaimed, jumping up from the couch.
"Then you have to marry one, though," Peter added.
"Yeah, that's just what the world needs, for Padfoot to procreate," James joked. Sirius threw a roll at him, never mind where he got it. James, being a brilliant Quidditch player, caught it easily.
"So all you have to do is kick off another girl every chapter…er, week, and the one that's left becomes your wife?" Peter asked.
"A little slow on the uptake, eh, Wormtail?" James asked. Peter threw another roll at him. He missed, shattering a window of James' house.
"Way to go, Pete, now my window's broken! Lily's going to murder me!" James exclaimed before breaking down on the floor in hysterical sobs. Remus sighed impatiently and walked over to the window, then tapped the frame with his wand. The broken shards sprung together.
"Yeah, Wormtail, these are apparently all the girls different fanfic writers have paired me up with, now I've got to choose the one I like best," Sirius said.
"Because you didn't just say that five seconds ago…" James added, taking a short break from hugging his beloved and newly repaired window.
"Well, Peter's kind of slow… give him a break," Remus said, patting Peter on the shoulder.
"I'm slow! You guys are the ones who haven't figured out I'm a Death Eater yet… I mean, did you see that Quidditch game yesterday?" Peter said, pulling nervously on the sleeve the Dark Mark was hidden under.
James sprang away from the window, very interested in talking about how he was a Quidditch prodigy. Everyone ignored Peter's first comment, thinking he was just too stupid to know what he was saying.
"So, Remus, what do you think the future Mrs. Padfoot will look like?" Sirius said.
"Knowing you? The one with the biggest boobs," Remus said. James laughed, and Sirius looked deep in thought.
"Good luck, Padfoot!" James called after Sirius, as he prepared to dissaparate away from Godric's hollow.
"Thanks, mate," Sirius said, doing that half-hug-half-bumping-shoulders thing men often do.
When Sirius got home to his flat, he thought about what the next day would bring. Besides a houseful of insanely attractive girls all over him, one of them being his future wife. Would he know which one right away? Not likely.
Would she have huge boobs? Probably.
The next day, Sirius was riding in a muggle limo up to the house he was going to stay at for the duration of the show when an owl started tapping on the window. He recognized it as James' owl, and he rolled down the window.
Such nice friends I have, sending me encouragement, Sirius thought as he untied the owl's letter. He opened it.
Way to go. By reading this letter you have just wasted 14 seconds of your life.
Sirius let out an exasperated sigh before tucking the letter into his luggage. It may be stupid, but he should probably keep it.
It would be the only thing he would get in a month that would remind him what complete prats his friends are.
The limo pulled into the driveway of an enormous mansion. "Wow... that is one gigantic house, it's nothing like the dump I live in now," Sirius said, to nobody, really. The limo came to a stop, and the door magically flew open. Sirius felt very sorry for the next muggles to use it.
A tall, handsome man helped Sirius out of the car. Oh Merlin's beard, he's not playing too, is he? Because I don't do that! Sirius thought desperately.
"Hello, Sirius. I'm your host for The Bachelor: Wizarding Edition," the man said.
"I find that utterly fascinating," Sirius responded dryly. He looked up the driveway to where the girls were standing. Nope, none of them jumped out at him as his future wife, but quite a few of them jumped out at him, trying to rip his clothes off. He looked into the faces of all the girls surrounding him with swooning looks on their faces. He jumped in shock. He could recognize every one of them.