Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.
Sam Winchester sat in the drivers seat of his brother's chevy impala. His girlfriend slept peacefully in the passenger seat with her head leaning clumsily against the glass window. Jess had been amazing throughout this entire experience. She hadn't known Dean but she had definitely tried to give him all he needed. Last night had been the moment that he grew to appreciate the person she was.
His pale face was rested in his ice cold hands. The motel's small awning was covered in drops of water and mud. He knew that he should have gone in hours ago but he couldn't. The night was black like the void he was trapped in and he felt vaguely calm.
'Not much…just barely.' He told himself. His guard was down and he was falling apart.
All the years of hunting experience had been eroded away and he didn't hear when she snuck behind him. He wasn't aware of her presence until her arms were wrapped around his lanky frame.
"You okay?" Her voice was soft and kind despite the situation.
Sam let a bitter laugh escape him and shook his head. "Would you be?"
He expected her to say no instantly and give him space but once again she suprised him.
"I wasn't okay when this happened either."
He looked up startled and confused. When had this happened. They'd known each other for two years...why didn't he know?
"I was eight and I was thrilled when I learned that my older brother Tommy was coming to stay with us. I hadn't seen him in months and he was my idol." She paused before continuing. "Tommy was supposed to meet us at the airport. He was a big college guy and my mom warned me that he wouldn't want to play." She let out a giggle void of emotion. "She was wrong. We played barbies and had tea parties...he was more fun than
I'd ever seen him before."
Sam looked at her with new interest. "So...what happened."
Jess nodded and took a deep breath. "He told our mom he was going to a party with some old friends. He said he loved us and then left. We didn't think much of it...he was dead by morning. He had overdosed on codeine."
Sam looked at her with sympathy and tears welling in his eyes. "Jess...I"
She smiled slightly and continued talking. "You know what my dad told me the day of his funeral? He said that we needed to move on because life wasn't waiting. Tommy would've wanted you to live...and live your life to the fullest." She turned to face him. "You, Samuel Winchester, need to push forward. From everything you've told me about Dean, I know he'd want you to live and I'll be right here with you." She laid a gentle kiss on his cheek and then moved towards the door.
Sam followed her in not five minutes after.
Jess had helped him get past that one hard moment, though he knew the time soon after wouldn't be easy. A glance in the rear view mirror showed that his father had kept his promise about following them back to Palo Alto with his older brother's belongings.
The funeral was long since over and the tears had been shed. Dean had been laid to rest next to their mother. It still hadn't completely set in that his hero was dead.
Hero…what an understatement. He hadn't seen Dean in two years…hadn't called to say happy birthday or I love you. He had disregarded his sibling entirely and now it was too late.
Sam brushed away the tears that threatened to rain down from the corner of his eyes. He couldn't break down right now. Dean would want him to be strong. He could almost hear his brother's voice now. "It's okay, Dude, it's not your fault. You wanted to leave…so did I."
No, that was wrong…Dean wouldn't think like that. Shaking his head, Sam clicked on the antique radio to drown out his thoughts.
The miles went by quickly. The hours slipped away like ice cream melting on a hot summer day. He drove without slowing past the road sign reading, 'Welcome to Palo Alto, California.'
His apartment came into view as he sighed and pulled up next to the sidewalk. The sun was shining bright in the sky. It was a complete opposite to the day of Dean's funeral. Oh, what he wouldn't give for the sunshine to disappear.
His dad's truck pulled behind them as the man climbed out and slung a duffel over his large shoulder. His face was unshaven and rough. His eyes conveyed more sadness than any person should be able to have. It was understandable. Dean had been his warrior…his soldier…but also his son.
The two men nodded to each other as Jess stirred awake and lazily pulled herself from the car. She grasp Sam's arm tightly and motioned towards the apartment door. The small home was just as they'd left it almost a week ago. At least something hadn't changed.
The duffel was placed softly onto the ground as John and Sam sat next to it and Jess went to fix coffee.
"Are you going to open it or should I?" Sam's voice trembled as he spoke and his father waved a hand in a gesture that said 'You go ahead.'
He slid the zipper back with shaky hands and suppressed a sob as a crumbled Metallica tee fell out.
Dean didn't have much and it was apparent as they sorted through the bag.
Jeans…tees…socks…boxers. Most of his things were clothes.
One book littered the bag. An old volume of urban legends. Dean hated novels but he could read legends for hours. Sam recalled asking him why he hated english but loved to read myths. He told him simply that it was what they did.
Sam picked up a plain blue shirt intending to move it to the side and a folded piece of paper came cascading to the floor with it. He exchanged a confused glance with his father who seemed as clueless as he was. His hands moved without thoughts as he unfolded it carefully.
Dean's messy scroll greeted him and he felt despair filter through his heart once more.
"Dean." his voice was raspy and broken even to his own ears.
John looked up with tears in his eyes as he read over Sam's shoulder.
Dear Dad and Sammy,
I guess this is it. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. You two are my entire world, but I feel like I'm suffocating and I can't take this anymore. It's just too hard. I wake up and I feel so empty…so lonely. I just can't live like this any longer.
Dad: I love you. Don't blame yourself. This was my choice. I decided to do this and there wasn't anything you could do to change my mind. You know how stubborn I can be. Take care of Sammy, Dad. He's going to need you now more than ever. You were my hero…I always looked up to you. Thank you for everything you've done…I'll tell Mom you miss her.
Sammy: Hey Buddy. I'm so sorry that I'm leaving without saying a real goodbye. This isn't what you deserve. I love you more than you can ever imagine. You're my baby brother…my Sammy. I remember when I was younger, I'd tell everyone I saw that I was a big brother. You make me so proud. Chase your dreams, Sammy and never let anyone tell you that you can't do it. Prove them wrong like you always tried to do to me. I love you. This is not your fault and it never will be. Don't feel guilty and don't try to reason yourself into believing that you could have saved me. This is how my fate was supposed to go. Stay strong and don't you ever give up. You're too good for that. I love you, bro.
I'll miss you,
After the letter was read, the two men met each other with pain filled eyes as they embraced in a tight hug. Sobs consumed them both as they realized that Dean's death had shown them that they were still a family. Death had torn them apart and death had brought them back together.
And somehow, Sam knew that wherever he was Dean was watching with a small grin on his face as the two men he loved most realized that they needed each other.
"Stay strong and don't you ever give up."
Well, that was the final chapter and I hope that it was up to par. You finally learned what Dean had written in that letter the night of his suicide. I know this was a very graphic and tragic subject and I really hope that I did do some kind of justice with it. Thanks for the support. Please review.