Summary: She loves her so much it hurts, but what happens when that hurt becomes too much to bear? CS oneshot. Please R&R! My 1st attempt at angst! CONTAINS DARK THEMES!

Warning: This story contains character death in the form of suicide… And if that isn't your forte then scram. I don't need people telling me this sucked cuz their favorite person died.

Special thanks to Missy Holland for writing such great stories that ultimately inspired me to write this one!


She sat on the bathroom floor. She had known she was going to do this for some time now. She was just stalling, hoping that maybe Catherine would finally see her for more than just a co-worker, or someone she could scream and fight with whenever she felt the need.

A small twisted smirk formed on her lips… Fight... They knew each other for 7 years and all they did was fight. They could barely stand to be civil towards one another, but it was for two totally different reasons. She knew that and that's why she had to do this: had to end her life because she couldn't take the fighting anymore. She couldn't take knowing that with each scream, each hateful word they exchanged, Catherine was drifting farther and farther away from her.


"Sara! I told you already! I don't need your help with this case!"

"But Grissom assigned it to both of us! Just because you have seniority doesn't mean you can just take over a case just like that!"

"That's exactly what it means! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a witness to interview."

'Sara wasn't about to let that happen. Just because Catherine said the conversation was over didn't make it so. But she didn't have a comeback, so just as Catherine was about to leave the lab she said the first thing that came to mind.'

"Do you ever wonder why everytime we get a case involving strippers or hookers Grissom automatically gives it to you?"

'Catherine didn't turn around. She just tensed up, the knuckles on her left hand turned white as she gripped the doorframe harder. She hated talking about her past and Sara knew it. Hell, the whole lab knew it!'

"Shut up Sidle."

'No, she wasn't going to just shut up. She was sick and tired of Catherine doing everything her way.'

"Guess you never really can escape you past, huh Cath?"

'Sara expected her to have a witty comeback, scream at her, throw something at her! Anything but this! She would've gladly taken a slap across the face if it meant that Catherine wouldn't look as hurt as she did that very moment.'


'She didn't get to finish her sentence. Catherine walked over to her, jaw set, and set the case file she had been holding down on the table.'

"You want the damn case Sara? Fine, take it. I was just looking out for you. Excuse me for caring. Yea, I've lived that life, so what? That just means I know how fucking horrible it is. I know how emotionally dead you have to be. It's the worst feeling in the world and I would never wish that you or anyone else for that matter."

'Sara never felt so low. She looked into Catherine's eyes; usually they were a bright sparkling blue. But now they were dull and covered with a layer of unshed tears. She felt her heart smash into a million pieces as she watched her turn and walk out in the direction of her office. She made Catherine cry. She hurt her in the worst possible way, pushed her away even further.'

'She slammed her fist on the counter top and let out a yelp of pain and felt tears form in her own eyes. Not just from hurting herself, but from hurting the woman she loved as well.'


And that was just last night. There had been many more arguments between them but that one was by far the worst.

She looked down at the razor blade sitting next to her. Nothing special, just a razor that she had taken from the lab. Whenever she and Catherine would argue she would come home, crank up her stereo and cut until it all went away. They say pain is the ultimate pleasure, but that couldn't be true because she still felt empty every single time she did it.

She took the diminutive blade between to fingers gingerly and brought it up to her wrist. She let out a breath and cut. A little trail of blood poked its way out of the tiny wound but that was it. She pushed harder, searching for that one vein. And when she found it she quickly cut into the second wrist, pushing down even harder. She whimpered in pain. It hurt; it all hurt… her body, her heart. The silver blade slipped to the floor, a small trace of blood on the sharp edge. Her arms dropped to her side and she watched the blood trail along the lines in the tile. Like it was connecting a puzzle for her. Trying to figure out exactly how her life had gotten this fucked up. How one woman could make her so miserable yet at the same time make her so incredibly happy. As she felt herself slipping away, her last breaths forcing themselves out, she could've sworn that she heard Catherine's voice calling out to her.

And that's when they found her. Propped up against the bathroom wall. A razor blade next to one lifeless hand, a lone white Lily in the other…crimson blood dripping from her wrists and outlining the cream colored tiles on the floor. She hadn't answered her phone…her pager…the door. Catherine felt a choked cry escape her throat before her knees buckled and forced her to the bloodstained ground. The tears began to fall fast and hard. She didn't try to stop them even though she knew the others were watching, trying to sort their own reactions. She pulled Sara's body towards her own and kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry Sara." She whispered in between sobs, her lips still pressed against the brunette's brow. "I'm so sorry."

They would all cry for her and their loss. Grissom would give a beautiful eulogy at the funeral; Nick and Warrick would talk about how she was like the sister they never had and Brass, the daughter he always wanted…and Catherine… Catherine would cry harder than they all of them. She'd cry out of guilt, sorrow, and love. Love that she knew she's never be able to share with the one person she wanted to share it with because she was too damn proud to admit her feelings.

It wasn't until a few minutes later when Greg and Nick had to pull Catherine out of the bathroom did they find the two envelopes lying atop the neatly made bed. One addressed simply: ' To My Friends', and the other: 'To Catherine, keeper of my heart, object of my affection, torturer of my soul.'

That night when Catherine got home she went straight to her room and cried. She had never cried so much before. Not even when Eddie died. She felt so torn. She hated Sara for doing this, but she also hated herself for not doing anything to stop her. She pulled the note Sara had left her out of her jacket pocket and opened it with a shaky hand.

'I love you Cath, I've always loved you.

I'm just sorry you don't feel the same way.'

', Sara'

"But I do feel the same way." She managed to say outloud before the tears forced their way to the surface once again.


Catherine stayed in her room for the next few days and just cried, clutching the note to herself the whole time. And when the day of Sara's funeral came, she could barely bring herself to go. She knew that if she saw Sara lying in that casket that'd be it, she'd really be gone. Later when she got home it was decided; she was going to be with Sara. If they couldn't be together in life, they'd be together in death. She put on her favorite pair of pajamas and laid down on her bed.


The next morning when Catherine was found it would've appeared that she was sleeping peacefully, a peaceful smile gracing her lips. Strawberry-blonde hair sprawled neatly across the pillow, one hand on her chest, covering the tiny bloody wound on her heart. Her other hand rested on her stomach, a single red rose, the symbol of love, lying between her fingers.

'The tears I cry for you could fill an ocean.

But you don't care how many tears I cry.

And though you only lead me on and hurt me.

I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye'.

'Cause everybody's somebody's fool.

Everybody's somebody's plaything.

And there are no exceptions to the rule.

Yes, everybody's somebody's fool.'

'I told myself it's best that I forget you

Though I'm a fool at least I know the score

Yet darlin' I'd be twice as blue without you

It hurts but I come runnin' back for more'

'Cause everybody's somebody's fool.

Everybody's somebody's plaything.

And there are no exceptions to the rule.

Yes, everybody's somebody's fool.'

'Someday you'll find someone you really care for.

And if her love should prove to be untrue,

You'll know how much this heart of mine is breaking.

You'll cry for her the way I've cried for you.'

'Yes, everybody's somebody's fool.

Everybody's somebody's plaything.

And there are no exceptions to the rule.

Yes, everybody's somebody's fool.'



That song was 'Everybody's somebody's fool' by Connie Francis. I got it off of the L Word Soundtrack. That thing actually has some pretty decent music on it despite the bad reviews on Amazon. Although, I have been known to like some pretty weird things in my time. So I guess that doesn't say much. Anyway, thanks for reading, now please, oh please, review!

Reviews make me smile guys!

Nicole P