Pairing: Umm... SxC? ZxC? SxCxZ? Tee-hee.
Warnings: Crack. Fluff. Zack. Because he deserves his own warning label.
Disclaimer: Squeenix wouldn't sell the boys to me. :sniff:
Notes: Written for alita-b-angel
Extra-Special Notes: What is the big idea prohibiting underscores and equal-signs, FF-net? You're screwing up my writing even more than I screw it up myself!
The first time Zack had kissed Cloud Strife, he had been struck by a thought. Well, okay, that was not exactly true. The first time he had kissed Cloud, Zack had been struck by two kinds of things - the first being many, many dirty, perverted M-rated ideas on what to do if he ever got locked into a closet with Cloud, and the second being Cloud's hand delivering a pretty solid slap to his face.
"You were groping my ass!" Cloud interjected indignantly. "I barely knew you and you were already groping my ass!"
"You didn't object when I kissed you-"
"Because you were cutting off my air supply!"
"My point is that you didn't object when I got friendly, so I thought, hey, what's a little more friendly?" Zack replied, shrugging.
"It was my first kiss! One doesn't grope people on the first kiss."
"Zack does," Sephiroth said, glowering. For a moment, Zack looked like he was remembering something a bit more painful than Cloud's slap.
"Which is why I hit him," Cloud concluded huffily, seeking solace in the fact that Sephiroth, at least, seemed to approve of this course of action.
Anyway, Zack had been struck by a thought: If he had been the first to kiss Cloud, he should rightfully also be the first one to do Cloud.
Upon hearing this, the boy in question choked, colored hotly and quickly calculated his chances of successfully throttling a SOLDIER 1st class, but then opted for a strategic retreat into Sephiroth's lap. This was perhaps not the safest place to be if you were a tiny, really pretty and very much underage blond recruit, but it seemed - at least to Cloud - like a much safer place than any position close to his fiendishly grinning best friend.
Sephiroth accepted the recruit flinging himself into his lap with the same grace as if he were accepting a gift basket - outwardly stony-faced and dignified, but inwardly dying to unwrap it. At least, that was what it seemed like to Zack, because there was no way in hell even Sephiroth could remain completely unmoved by a cute, ravishable Cloud sitting on him. This only made him more determined to proceed with arguing Sephiroth into submission before the man followed the equation of "Cloud + in his lap equals ?" through to its logical and predictable end.
Really, it was only fair that he had first dibs on Cloud, since after more than a year of being bottom to Sephiroth's top, he was kind of curious about the position that left you with your masculinity intact--
"What about my masculinity, then?" yelled Cloud, looking ready to try and show Zack that there were much more permanent methods of bereaving someone of feelings of male-ness.
"Okay, okay, so maybe that wasn't the best way to phrase it," Zack admitted, "but still. Also, Sephiroth is always getting there first."
The silver-haired man blinked at the apparently random statement. "Getting where?"
"You know, there," Zack clarified, windmilling his arms. "Everywhere. For example, you're always first in the shower."
"That's true," Cloud chimed in and then blanched when he realized he had probably just jinxed himself. But Zack ignored him and went on, "And when you're done, there's no hot water left for the rest of us. You're always first at the coffee machine, so you get coffee without all the icky stuff the previous person ordered. And no, I don't care that this is because you go to work at ungodly hours in the morning, because that's entirely beside the point. You're also the only one to get the nifty gadgets from the R&D division, like that really cool jeep with the inflatable tires and the mako-powered turbo booster, which the rest of us poor sods have to break into to even get the chance to take it for a test drive--- erp, ummm... I mean... ehehehe... a-anyway, you get my point, right?"
He turned his hopeful gaze to his audience, one of whom was gaping incredulously and the other of whom was shaking his head in resignation. "I fail to see how any of this is supposed to make sense," Sephiroth finally replied. When Zack looked ready to "explain" it to him again, he hastily added, "I remain completely unconvinced by your argumentation, lieutenant. However, since you made such an effort, I'm willing to give you another chance."
Cloud swiveled around to direct his incredulous gaping at him instead, and inwardly began suspecting that Sephiroth's lap really wasn't as safe as it seemed.
"Really?" Zack was practically sparkling. "Okay. What are the conditions?"
"It would be easiest," Sephiroth said calmly, "if we just flipped a coin, wouldn't you agree?"
Cloud could only console himself with the fact that his startled shriek of outrage left both SOLDIERs with their ears ringing. His attempt to scramble off Sephiroth's lap and run out the door - because no way in hell was someone flipping a coin over the subject of his virginity - was thwarted by Sephiroth wrapping an arm around his waist, effectively trapping him in place.
"I'm game," Zack agreed, eagerly searching his pockets for a coin and coming up with a lone gil. "Heads or tails, general?"
"Heads." The coin described a rather impressive arc before landing in Zack's palm. When he flipped it onto the back of his hand, it showed tails.
Zack promptly strode over, grabbed the still struggling Cloud from Sephiroth's hold and threw him over his shoulder like a mock trophy. Only when he had Cloud safely in his grasp did he take a moment to gloat. "Hah! I win! Bet you're regretting ever proposing that coin toss, hm? Hm?"
To his surprise, Sephiroth didn't look the slightest bit upset. On the contrary, there was a definite victorious smirk gracing his features. "Oh, not at all. Whoever said that I won't be content to watch?"
A/N: Fweeh! More crack! Because the world needs more things to laugh about. Even if they are my writing abilities. XD
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