Lord of the Onion Rings

Scene opens of art gallery which include the Mona Lisa. Troy McClure walks in.

Troy: Look at all these paintings. Don't you think they'd be better with a Simpson twist? (clicks fingers and Mona Lisa's face changes to Lisa Simpson's. Troy turns to camera) Oh, hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as 'The Hate-trix' and 'Honey, We've Parodied the Kids!'. But I'm here today with a new parody. Last year, writers for 'The Simpsons' had to add some extra episodes to their latest season. Luckily, they filled it with worthwhile episodes, but before they did, they made parodies, like this clip…

Scene changes to parody of Star Wars. Darth Vader is in a lightsaber duel with Bart, who is dressed as Luke Skywalker.

Bart: You killed my principal!

Vader: (removes hood revealing Skinner) No Bart. I am your principal!

Bart: NOOO!

Cuts back to art gallery.

Troy: …and this one.

Changes to dark hallway. Homer, dressed in black clothes and wearing sunglasses, dives down the hall firing a gun in slow motion. He is hit by a bullet.

Homer: (in slow motion) D'oh!

Cuts back to art gallery.

Troy: Due to the quality of these episodes, they were dropped. So here's an episode of 'The Simpsons' never seen by human eyes! (the screen fades as words flash quickly across the screen in small writing 'The last statement does not count the writers of 'The Simpsons' as humans.')

The scene opens black.

Voiceover: Three rings went to The Frying Dutchman… (the Sea Captain looks at the three onion rings and says 'Yarr!') …seven for Planet Springfield… (the seven onion rings are on the rotating ring outside Planet Springfield. Rainier Wolfcastle is trying to grab them) …nine for Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag… (Moe's is back to normal. The onion rings are floating in the pickle jar)…and one ring was sent to Krusty Burger. (Krusty and Sideshow Mel are standing outside the Krusty Burger, watching a truck drive down the road. The sign on the side says 'Onion Rings Ltd.'. View cuts to inside. There is a single box. It reads 'Powerful Onion Ring – This Way Up' upside down on the side. A shadow that looks like Smithers is shown on the wall, and it picks up the box, laughing. It holds up a phone and the scene cuts to Mr Burns' office. There is a voice on the phone. Mr Burns smiles and says 'Excellent'.)

Scene cuts to Simpsons house. The family are watching TV.

Kent Brockman: (on TV) And in other news, the 'One Ring' has been stolen.

Marge, Bart and Lisa gasp.

Kent: Onion ring, that is!

Homer: NOOO!

Kent: This onion ring, while being delivered to the Krusty Burger, was stolen by a mysterious thief. Even with CCTV footage, no-one can recognise the criminal. Footage of Smithers-like person is shown. He bumps into an old woman and says 'Sorry' in Smithers' voice.

Kent: The only thing that experts can agree on is that the thief is miles away by now.

Homer: (turns off TV) That's really depressing. Think of that poor onion ring, being held by a Australian maniac…

Bart: What makes you think it's an Australian?

Homer: Didn't you hear the TV? He said the thief was miles away! Well, I'm going to Moe's! (walks out)

Scene cuts to Moe's. Homer walks in and sits down. Lenny, Carl and Barney are there too.

Homer: Hey, did you three hear about the onion ring theft?

Lenny: Yeah! They say the thief is miles away.

Moe: Hey Homer, what'll it be?

Homer: A beer, please. (sees pickle jar) Hey, Moe, how many rings you got in there?

Moe: (gives Homer beer) Nine. Why?

Homer: Wait a minute… (counts onion rings) There are ten in here! You're the thief!

Moe: No, look, that one's a real onion.

Homer: Oh, right.

Mr Burns and Smithers walk in. Mr Burns is holding an onion ring, and hides it as the others look at him.

Moe: Burns? What are you doing here?

Mr Burns: Oh, I'm just here to 'hang out' with my 'pals'. (sits down next to Homer, with the sound of cracking) So, how are you… err… (whispers) Smithers, who is this booze bag?

Smithers: (whispering) That's Homer Simpson, sir, one of the nuclear blobs from Section 7G at the plant.

Mr Burns: (whispering) Simpson? New man?

Smithers: (whispering) No, all the events of your life over the past ten years have involved him and his family.

Mr Burns: (turns to see Barney) Ah!

Barney: (drunk) Hey! What's that in your pocket? It looks like the missing onion… (belches)

Mr Burns: Well, anyway, I've got to go now. Goodbye, all! (leaves with Smithers, who is holding Moe's pickle jar)

Moe: Hey! Someone took my pickle jar! Okay, all of you, get out, I need some alone time! (starts crying) Why did the jar have to go? (sees others looking at him) I said get out!

The four leave. They find Jasper outside.

Jasper: You four… I swiped this off Burns… (holds up onion ring) You need to take this to the Onion Ring Ltd. factory, and throw it in the fireplace.

Homer: Okay! It'll be a long journey, but I'll do it! (camera shows factory is next door to Moe's. Homer tries to open the door.) Oh, it's locked. (reads note) Key is in West Springfield? Oh… well, let's go! (the four get in Homer's car and drive away)

Jasper: Wait! You forgot the ring!

Homer: (in distance) D'oh!

Scene changes to West Springfield. Homer, Barney, Lenny and Carl are driving across a desert area.

Homer: You know Barney, if you hadn't brought so much beer, we'd have more space!

Barney: Sorry! (belches)

Lenny: Hey look! There's three people ahead!

Carl: Let's stop and chat!

Camera shows three silhouettes in the distance. The car drives forward and we see they're actually statues.

Homer: Well that was a waste of time, Lenny!

Three people step out from behind the statues. Hans Moleman is holding an axe, Chief Wiggum is holding a bow and Principal Skinner has a sword.

Moleman: Hello?

Homer: Who the hell are you three meant to be?

Wiggum: We're you're handy sidekicks.

Skinner: And you have the service of my sword, his bow and his axe!

Carl: But you're just the Chief of our town's police, the principal of the Elementary School and an old man that looks like a peanut!

Skinner: Well, you four are the town drunk, two men that don't seem to have a job and a fat man with crazy ideas and anger problems!

Homer: Ah, touché. (the seven get into the car)

The sun has set and the car is driving in darkness. Homer is driving, with Barney on the seat next to him. Skinner, Wiggum, Lenny and Carl are crammed on the back seats.

Skinner: Couldn't we have hired a larger car?

Homer: I'm not seeing a problem here. (starts whistling Indiana Jones music)

Lenny: Uh, Homer? We lost the little guy!

Moleman: (from back of car) Help… me…

Homer: I said… (starts whistling again)

Scene changes to next morning. The car is being chased by a giant fiery demon.

Homer: What do we do, what do we do?

Homer's Brain: (sarcastically) Drive onto that narrow, crumbling rocky bridge.

Homer: Okay! (drives onto bridge, followed by demon)

Homer's Brain: Okay, I'm defiantly going now. (sound of footsteps and Homer's door swings open, then slams shut. Homer's scream echoes up the canyon.)

Jasper: Don't worry, I'll save you! (jumps over car and holds up walking stick) You shall not pass! (smashes stick into bridge, and causes demon to fall, but leaves him on a small platform)

Carl: Hey, I might be able to pull him in if we make a human chain.

Homer: Meh. (drives off as whole bridge collapses)

Car reaches a cliff. The sun is high in the sky.

Homer: Right, there's a fork here. Here's the plan. Lenny and Carl go down the right route, Wiggum, Skinner and Moleman go down the left route and me and Barney will go down the centre.

Lenny: Gee, the centre path doesn't look safe, Homer.

Homer: Which is why we're taking the car!

All: Oh…

Homer: Shut up! It's my car anyway!

The three groups go their separate ways.

Lenny and Carl are walking along a path. The cliff is on their left.

Lenny: Hey Carl?

Carl: Yeah?

Lenny: We're gonna be alone together out here for a while, so I just wanna know if you…

Carl: No.

Lenny: Oh…

Skinner, Wiggum and Moleman are walking along a path with the cliff on their right.

Wiggum: You know what's stupid? I'm out here with a bow and arrows, and two knives in my belt, when I've got a gun back at my house!

Skinner: Oh, we're only here to fill in for the four extra members of the Fellowship.

Wiggum: Shouldn't there be four of us then?

Skinner: Yes, but Ralph Melish, Hans Moleman's cousin, died before he got here, and we didn't have time to find a replacement.

Wiggum: Ah.

Homer and Barney are driving through the centre of the cliff. Barney is lying on the back seat.

Homer: Oh my God, the walls are caving in! (walls begin to cave in)

Barney: (in West Country accent) Crikey, Mr Homer!

Homer: What the Hell was that?

Barney: (back to normal) I dunno. Hey! The walls are caving in! (a rock hits the roof, and the two are thrown out)

Homer: Right, we've lost the car, and we're about to die. (starts dancing nervously) Don't panic, don't panic! (runs screaming down the path) AHHHHHH!

Barney: (runs after him)

The sun has set again. Homer and Barney are in front of a pile of rocks, panting. A faint 'Mexican Hat Dance' is heard. Homer takes a mobile phone out of his pocket.

Homer: (singing) I dance, I dance, I dance, around the Mexican hat… (stops singing) Oh, hi, honey! (cut to split screen. Marge is on the Simpsons phone)

Marge: Homer, where are you? You've been gone for three days! I rang the Plant, I rang Moe's Tavern, I even rang the prison! Mr Burns was shouting about onion rings, Moe was saying something about pickles and the prison…

Homer: Marge! I'm just on a quest to destroy an onion ring! Now unless you have an easier way than journeying across West Springfield to find the key to the 'Onion Rings Ltd.' factory to throw the ring into a fireplace to destroy it, I'd like to hear it!

Marge: You could just eat it!
Homer: Marge, I told you, I'm on a quest! Even food can't distract me from this noble… oh! A goat with a beard! Hahaha! (drops phone and chases goat)

Skinner, Wiggum and Moleman are fighting creatures that look like Patty and Selma.

Skinner: What are these creatures? Some sort of Bouvi-orcs?

Hans Moleman: I've already killed one!

Wiggum: I've killed seven. And the one you're fighting now is a tree.

Moleman: (is chopping down a tree) I thought it wasn't putting up much resistance.

Lenny and Carl are still walking.

Lenny: So… see the game last night?

Carl: We were in Homer's car, you dumbass!

Lenny: Oh yeah…

Homer is still chasing the goat, with Barney running after him. The goat runs along a ledge, and the two follow.

Jasper: I'm back as Jasper the White! (the goat escapes)

Homer: Damn you! (pushes Jasper off the ledge)

Jasper: (comes up behind Homer) I'm back as Jasper the Red! (gets pushed off ledge) Jasper the Blue! (gets pushed off again and comes back again) Thanks to you I now have a whole multitude of colours at my disposal! I am – Jasper the Tartan! (realises he is wearing a kilt) Oh no – it's this dream again!

Scene cuts back to Lenny and Carl. The scene is speeded up, showing them walking against the same background.

Carl: Right, let's go now. (the camera pans out showing they were walking on running machines in front of a large painting)

Lenny: So…

Carl: Drop it, Lenny.

Homer and Barney encounter an army of Bouvi-orcs.

Homer: No! Not my sisters-in-law!

Barney: Why don't you use the onion ring? I heard it has… (camera zooms into his face and he lowers his voice) magic powers!

Homer: Even better… an onion!

Barney: But Homer, the onion ring has… (camera zooms into his face and he lowers his voice) magic powers! (belches)

Homer: Whatever. (holds onion up in front of him, causing the Bouvi-orcs to part) Hehehe. (grabs key from rope at the end and is pulled into the air) What? (looks up to see Frink on his Hoverbike, which the rope is tied to) Professor Frink?

Frink: No! I am a Middle Earth wizard, with the magic, and inventions, and the betrayal and cruel, misunderstood death, oh it hurts me, glavin! Now, I will use my amazing Hoverbike to bring you back to Springfield! (flies back towards Springfield)

Skinner, Wiggum and Moleman are still fighting Bouvi-orcs in the same place.

Skinner: These Bouvi-orcs keep coming, however many we kill!

Wiggum: It's as if we were in a repetitive cartoon. (stares at camera, which turns to reveal Moleman chopping down another tree)

Moleman: They keep coming! (camera pans up to reveal a forest)

Lenny and Carl are still walking. Homer, Frink and Barney fly overhead.

Lenny: Wasn't that Homer?

Carl: I keep telling you, I'm not a homo!

The scene changes to Moe's. The Hoverbike lands. Barney, Frink and Homer get off. Barney is not drunk any more.

Barney: Oh boy, beer! (runs into Moe's. A loud belch is heard)

Homer: Quick! We've got to get the onion ring into the fireplace!

Burns: Not so fast!

Homer: (screams)

Burns: I've been busy while you've been away – I went to Planet Springfield and the Frying Dutchman, and stole their onion rings, so I now have nineteen rings! So hand over the twentieth, or face my power!

Homer: Gimme your best shot!

Burns: Okay… (throws three rings at Homer, who catches them in his mouth and eats them) What? (throws the rest, which Homer eats) This can't be! The rings have… (camera zooms into his face and he lowers his voice) magic powers!

Homer: Well, now you're done, I'm going to throw this ring into the fireplace. (is eating the ring)

Frink: Good golly glavin, you're eating the One Ring, oh my Lord, with the chewing, and the swallowing, and the digesting of the power…

Homer: Then it seems my quest is over!

Barney: (from inside Moe's, in a West Country accent) Good work, Mr Homer!

Homer: (suddenly clutches his throat) Ah! The ring was… poisonous!

Frink: Oh my Lord, he's dying! With the pain, and the twisting, and the death, he's dead!

Homer: Shut up! (falls onto floor) Beer will help! Beer is the cleanser, beer is the cleanser… no! I can't get to the beer… help! (dies)

Scene fades to black as Frink and Burns walk away, leaving Homer in the street.

Back in the art gallery, Troy is asleep on a chair.

Troy: (wakes up) Oh, hello again! Thanks to the editors of 'The Simpsons', you should never have had to see that, so if you sat through it… ha! After all, that episode barely featured the other Simpsons, and the Simpson kids only gasped. What will they think of next? That's another story – Lisa Simpson and the Philosopher's Moan.

The 'Mexican Hat Dance' plays over the credits, with Homer singing along. In the background are pictures from the episode of Smithers stealing the ring; Moe's pickle jar; Moleman, Skinner and Wiggum by the statues; Homer and Barney running through the cliff; Jasper in a kilt; Moleman chopping down the tree; Wiggum and Skinner fighting the Bouvi-orcs; and Homer eating the onion ring. The music finishes and Moe cries 'My pickle jar!'. The Fox logo comes up.

Deleted Scene's

At the Simpsons house, Marge is on the phone after Homer disappeared. It comes up as a split screen to Moe's Tavern.

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern.

Marge: Hello, is Homer there? Last name Simpson.

Moe: Okay, I'll check. Wait a minute… this is one of those prank calls, isn't it? Like 'I. P. Freely' and 'Bea O'Problem'! Well listen here, you punk. (at this point a third section, of Bart, appears on the other Simpson phone) I'm close to tracing your number, and if I ever catch you, I'll suck out your brain through a bendy straw!

Bart: (putting down phone) I'm good!

Marge: Moe? Is Homer there or not?

Moe: Wait, is that you, Midge? Sorry! Sorry, I thought you were someone else! I've been depressed since I lost my pickle jar. (sniffs) It can never be replaced. (back to normal) But no, Homer ain't here. So… you doin' anything tonight? (Marge rings off) Hello? Hello? Ah well. (dials another number) Hello, Suicide Hotline?

The car is driving along a road, with all seven people in it. Homer is singing.

Homer: We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. He really, really, really is a wonderful wizard because…

Wiggum: You know, that's one good tune.

Skinner: I don't think it's appropriate for this journey, through.

The camera shows the view through his window. Dorothy, a scarecrow, a lion and a tin man are skipping along singing the song.

Homer: Shut up! (turns wheel sideways, and screams are heard) Stupid pedestrians.

Scarecrow: (off-screen) Oh my God! He killed Dorothy!