I wrote this waiting in an airport lounge while my flight was delayed. It's supposed to be a bit of a joke, so don't be offended if you're into Mary Sues or slash (heck, I'm currently working on some slash, so I'm a fine one to talk…)
All eyes were on the new girl who boarded the school bus. She was mesmerising, a vision of perfection. A wave of shining golden hair, the colour of sun-ripened corn, cascaded down her slender back. She had bright emerald eyes, cherry red lips and soft honey-coloured skin… The air was thick with metaphor and simile, which made the other students feel momentarily light-headed. The boys openly stared at her, most were literally drooling at the mouth. Layla scowled when she saw that Will was one of them.
The girl sat by herself and opened up a battered copy of Crime and Punishment in original Russian, ignoring the open-mouthed stares and whispering.
A couple of stops later, another new student climbed aboard the Sky High bus. But this girl couldn't be any more different to the first. She was grim-faced, pale, had dyed black hair and a lip ring. Strangely, she seemed to shift out of focus whenever she was watched. It made people's eyes water if they stared at her too long, so they tried not to look at her. Which suited her fine.
The newcomer scanned the bus and saw that there was only one empty seat. Her gaze met with the brilliant green eyes of the beautiful blonde girl.
The blonde's jaw tightened. "You…"
"Yes. And so we meet again, Mary Sue," said Lady Slash as she sat reluctantly on the bus seat next to her archenemy.
"But you never self-insert… I'm doing Sky High and there's not enough room for the both of us in one fic!" Mary Sue hissed.
"You're right about that, Sue. Believe me, I don't want to be here," Lady Slash said moodily. "Oh, and you seem to have your Dostoyevsky upside down."
Mary Sue glowered at her as she turned her book the right way round.
"Yeah," smirked Lady Slash, "That Cyrillic alphabet's a real killer…"
Later at Power Placement...
Coach Boomer picked out random students from the crowd to power up in front of their peers and assigned them their labels. He pointed to Mary Sue.
"Goldilocks, what's your power?"
"Oh gosh, what isn't would be an easier question to answer!" she tittered; her laughter was like sweet birdsong in early summer. The males in the room laughed with her. The females looked at her with barely disguised hate in their eyes. The Sue charm had no effect on teenage girls and the overuse of hammy simile was really starting to grate on them.
Coach Boomer smiled. Against all reason, he liked this kid. "Come on, Blondie. Get up here."
Mary Sue stood on the podium and easily caught the car that fell from the ceiling on Boomer's command with one hand.
"Super strength, eh?" nodded the coach approvingly. "HER-"
"But that's not all!" Mary Sue gushed. "Not only am I super strong and invulnerable, but I can create energy blasts and force fields, I can fly, I can talk to animals, I'm a precog, empath, telepath and telekinetic. I can control gravity, electricity and all the elements. I have accelerated healing and can heal others…"
20 minutes later
"…and I can teleport. Yep, I think that's about it."
"Oh puh-leeze!" Lady Slash muttered as Mary Sue rejoined the crowd. "Why do you always have to be so goddamn perfect?"
"I am not perfect! I've got faults! Y'know, like, umm, I…. errr… I can't tap dance very well!"
"Oooh, major flaw there. I'm sure that's a real hindrance."
Boomer looked at Lady Slash. "And you, Gothgirl. What's your thing?"
"I don't have a thing," Lady Slash said sourly. "I don't even want to be here."
"Yeah, because you'd rather be watching than participating, right Lady S?" said Mary Sue under her breath. Lady Slash shot her an evil look.
Coach Boomer tapped his foot. "Come on, I'm waiting."
"Ummm… my power is pretty… specialised."
Lady Slash looked a little sheepish. "Well, I can make people fall in love and/or lust… Ummm… When I say 'people', I mean, well, just men really."
Boomer looked distinctly uncomfortable. "OK…"
"I can demonstrate on you if you like, maybe if you get Mr Boy up here…"
"No, no, no!" Coach Boomer interjected quickly. "Uhhh… that won't be necessary! HERO!"
Later that day…
Mary Sue wasn't looking where she was going when she walked into something tall and solid, her books spilling out onto the corridor floor. She looked up at the skinny but good-looking boy she had bumped into.
"Hey, let me help you with those," said Lash, bending down to help her pick up her books. He smiled at her shyly. Mary Sue was quite beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that he didn't seem to know what he was saying or doing in her presence. He almost felt possessed…
"Ummm… I know you're just a freshman, but would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?"
Mary Sue blushed prettily. She tossed her glossy, golden hair.
"Yeah, I'd like that…"
En route to the library, Mary Sue had amassed another three offers for dates for that evening.
Yup, still got it, she thought as she kept an eye out for her prey. Her cherry lips parted into a dazzling smile as her shining emerald eyes alighted on the lone figure of Warren Peace engrossed in a book.
"Oh, so you're a fan of Dots-Dosty- Crime and Punishment, too?" said Mary Sue, pulling up a seat next to Warren and brandishing an identical copy to his.
Warren looked impressed. "Yeah, I'm a real classic Russian lit buff. Pushkin, Turgenev, Tolstoy…" He rambled on happily about how Russian literature was so powerful, but so stark. Before he knew it, he was telling Mary Sue his life story. She was just so easy to talk to, Warren felt like he could tell her anything. Her gorgeous green eyes were so patient and understanding. Almost hypnotic…
As Warren left the library, Mary Sue heard a familiar, sarcastic voice from behind her.
"Greedy much?" Lady Slash said, emerging from behind a bookcase. "Lash and Warren? And don't you think they were both acting a little out of character? Maybe you ought to tone down the sue-ishness."
"Shut up! They're both nice people deep down, they just need someone to reach out to them…"
"God, Sue, you're so sweet and fluffy you make me want to hurl."
"Oh, you think you're so dangerous and dark, just because you've got facial piercings! Well, for your information, I can do dark! I've got a really disturbing and tragic past."
Lady Slash sighed. "Let's see. Some major childhood trauma that you couldn't possibly have prevented that you irrationally blame yourself for? Like your parents being murdered by a supervillian?"
The look on Mary Sue's face said it all. "Very original. And your parents were probably some unlikely hero pairing, Super Girl and Wolverine or something. And you've got mage blood in your ancestry too, I'll bet. So not only do you have this amazing superhero heritage, but you're a sorceress too?"
"Hah! You are such a loser!" said Lady Slash as she stomped off, looking for some cute boys she could have some fun with…
Lash was a little confused. Less than an hour ago he was lusting after Mary Sue, who was the most perfect creature he had ever seen, but for some reason he really wanted to tear off that tight t-shirt from Will's body and kiss him all over… What the hell was going on? And Will looked like he wanted him, too. His breathing quickened as he drew closer to Lash, his lips were full and inviting. He slid his arms around Lash's torso and closed his eyes. Lash moved his face towards Will. He needed to taste those lips…
Invisibility rocks! thought Lady Slash as she watched the scene unfold. It was a talent she had failed to mention to Coach Boomer at Power Placement. She felt a sudden burst of agony and the two teen boys pulled apart, red-faced and deeply embarrassed.
Mary Sue pulled Lady Slash's now visible hair again. "You bitch! Those boys are so not gay! You are completely messing with their heads!"
Lady Slash trod heavily on Mary Sue's pink pumps with a steel-capped boot. Mary Sue let go of her hair, screeching and hopping from foot to foot.
"Oh, but it's perfectly normal and acceptable for you swan around making everyone fall in love with you?"
"So what? I enjoy it! And you enjoy watching two hot guys making out! You're a freaking voyeur, so don't act like you're all morally superior…"
"OK, OK. We're stuck here. For now. So let's lay some ground rules. First, who gets which guy?"
They looked at each other and shouted simultaneously, "I want Warren!"
"Lash!" shouted Lady Slash as Mary Sue shouted "Will!"
"Will!" shouted Lady Slash as Mary Sue shouted "Lash!"
"Maybe we could come to some arrangement," said Lady Slash thoughtfully. "While you're Sue-ing it up with one, I could make the other two get nice and slashy, and then we can swap around?"
"I don't think so," said Layla, coming between them. "Don't you think teenage boys have it hard enough dealing with their raging hormones? It doesn't help having some jumped up, improbably-named little tramp called Ebony Tallulah Chantelle de Wynter or suchlike waltz in and stupefy them with her incredible beauty."
Layla wagged a finger at Lady Slash. "And even if I can't see you, I know when you're lurking around! I am getting sick of seeing my boyfriend swapping spit with Warren or Lash!"
She thought for a second and winced. "And in extreme cases, both… at the same time…"
Lady Slash laughed dirtily. "Heh heh, now you're talking!"
"Poor Layla," said Mary Sue in a sweet little voice. "Maybe we're peeing you off, but we are the ones in control here. What are you going to do about it?"
"Don't worry, I know just how to deal with you two."
Mary Sue snorted, a little uncharacteristically as it wasn't particularly attractive. "Oh yeah? We all know Mary Sue gets her guy in the end!"
"And my guys get each other in the end!" said Lady Slash smugly.
"Not this time, girls." A tall figure in a jet black suit and dark glasses walked in. Lady Slash and Mary Sue started to quake with fear. He was the worst nightmare of all slashers and Sues in all fandoms.
"Oh God," Mary Sue breathed. "It's Agent Canon!"
"Sue, Slash, you've had your fun. But Canon's here now." He flourished a document under their noses. "And this is a breach of copyright action from Mr Disney. He doesn't take kindly to irritatingly perfect OCs. Or homoeroticism."
Agent Canon frowned. "Not that the Disney corporation is homophobic, you understand," he added quickly, "But we have a family-friendly image to maintain."
Mary Sue and Lady Slash squinted as they read the size 6 font print on the writ. Agent Canon smiled nastily. "I notice you didn't put the obligatory disclaimer at the start of this story. A rookie error."
"Oh sh- sugar…" said Mary Sue, remembering just in time that she was too sweet to curse.
"Sue," whispered Lady Slash frantically as she grabbed her arm. "I don't have enough money to be litigated by Disney! Look, just fly or teleport or whatever us out of here!"
Mary Sue gave her self-satisfied grin. "I see you're not complaining about my abundant powers now," she said as she teleported them out of the school.
They walked through Maxville city limits in huffy silence.
"So, what will you do now?" asked Lady Slash finally.
"Well, I guess there's Hogwarts… And Middle Earth's always good at this time of the year." A dreamy look spread across Mary Sue's face. "Mmmm… I wonder how Legolas is these days?"
Lady Slash glared at her. "Getting it on with Aragorn if I've got anything to do with it!"
Mary Sue looked at Lady Slash with her sparkling emerald green eyes, her ears lengthening into cute, elfin points.
"Yeah? We'll see about that…"