I do not own 24, it is solely owned by Jack Bauer, He's a good guy! I am under no duress and I am freely admitting I had no dealings with this show. (turns head to side) Can I go now? I mean, ya snapped all my phalanges and threatened to kill my lovable poopykins of a cat, and now! You're telling me you're gonna take away my prized Boston made electrically powered black coated, with a layer of hot pink bubble gum smelly sticker, home made pencil Sharpener! I want a lawyer! Huh? What are you doing ? No! Not the tickle treatment! Please! Stop! NOOOO! I'm beggin ya! BABUSHKAAAAAAA! ( Hideous screams ensue as the sound of a body is being dragged down a spooky hallway with a maniacal laugh)


Have you ever taken the time to wonder what life would look like through a bug? I have! Imagine a black void filled with bizarre shapes and weird flashing lights, with soft tingling noises pulsing through the air, radiating their cacophonous pleasure. To see a wasp buzzing in its strange world, free to go where it pleases. Imagine this wasp gliding down to rest its weary wings on a huge plain of dark blue. Its intent antennae scanning its resting place, but Lo! What is this? The horizon grows dark and melancholy, (Dark spiffles of orchestrated music enhances the moment) The inquisitive wasp watches in horror as a dark tempest peeps its head from the sky, its ominous movement smothering the firmament with its prolific growth! Duh duh duh! The wasp scrambles for its only way out, to fly. Its wings prepped for lift-off, the fearing wasp lunged, as the sky became more and more darkened by the tempest's increasing size. Alas…(deep sigh), it was not to be, the tempest closed off the entire horizon with its Black Cheeks of Doom! Duh duh duhm!

Jack Bauer sat on his dark blue chair with a heaving sigh, his mind bent on a very important question, "Should I shoot the idiot who's trying to narrate my life, or should I just sit here and do… tiddlywinks!. "WOOO!" shouted Jack, feeling a flinch in his chair, causing him to leap like a maniac. He turned to see what zapped him. A splat on his chair was all that showed. But Jack was no idiot. No sir! He interrogated that splat. Then he got angry at that splat. Then he got really angry at that splat. Then he took a colt 45. and shot that splat! Then he looked at the splat that was now a hole in his chair. Then he took a 44. Magnum and shot the splat that was now a hole in his chair. Then he spat at the splat that was now a hole in his chair. Then he again shot the splat that was now a hole in his chair. Then he-

Jack: WILL YOU CUT IT OUT! I (inhale) have had (exhale) a long (deep inhale) day! And I (inhale) don't (exhale) need! (inhale) your-

Chase: Hey Jack! Don't tell me you need a fix!

Jack: (Freaky voice of Death) I WILL BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD CHINNY! GWARRR!

Chase: (girly voice) Mommmmyyyyy! (Jack tackles Chase and beats the stuffing out of him)

Five Hours Later ( Please turn off computer for duration of intermission… really.)

Chase: I'm your partner Jack, why are you- (BAM!) My medulla oblongata! Jack! What are you doing? No! (Chainsaw sound roars up) Noooo! Hey, that tickles! Hi-hi!

(Jack cuts off Chase's arm) Wooo! Deja'vu.

Tony: (bursts through the office door) Jack, I know you're keyed up right now (Jack's face twitches) Ok maybe a little ticked, (Jack roars at the top of his lungs) Ok, you're angry.

Chase: Help me Tony One Pastromi, you're my only hope.

Jack: First, mutant killer terrorist wasps and now Star Wars! This must all be connected with the California Presidential Primary! Which, by the way I said 24 times On Day 1!

Tony: Actually it's Christmas.

Jack: Don't give me that! You're all going to federal prison for you crimes against humanity.

Chase: Who's humanity (Jack hits him in the head)

Jack: Shut up. Voices… in my head… telling me to start the Bauer Hour tm

Tony: Not the Bauer Hour!

Jack: It's the BAUER HOUR tm! That's copyright infringement. (Jack breaks Tony's ankle... again)

Tony: That hurts… again!

Meanwhile, in the command center of CTU

George Mason: Ahhh. (relaxes in chair) How's work comin' for ya Michelle?

Michelle: (Working on Computer) It puts bread on the table. (changes subject)

I hope Tony can find out what's wrong with Jack, he seems a bit paranoid.

George: He'll be fine, (Loud noises emit from Jack's office as George and Michelle shift uncomfortably) I was just more worried about you. Ya know… You could spend some time at my place when Tony's not around (Michelle looks away disturbed)

George: C'mon Michelle, I just want t-(BOOOOMMM! A huge explosion erupts from Jack's office as Chase lands straight on George, Michelle giggles) Ooofph! Huh? Who are you?

Chase: No! You tell me! Baldy!

Mason: I, for your information, am head of CTU! So you better- what? What happened to your arm?

Chase: Jack's in a bit of a funk, Tony said it was paranoia!

George: What? I mean! That's a shame really; we'll just have to give him some time off.

Tony: (limping toward Mason) We gotta (huffing) calm Jack down.

George: duh. (Michelle hugs Tony intimately, are they not love birds? Ahhh)


George:(says chokingly) Tony I'm sure you can handle it. I'll be in Hawaii if you need anything. (Jack blows through the wall and several unknown people fly through the air.)

Unknown People:


George: Get Chapelle. (gulps) Hey Jack, me and uh, the guys thought you need some well earned r&r. We even have a party for you, with balloons, everybody likes balloons, right?

(Jack shoots balloons. A kid whines in the background)

George: I guess not.

What will happen to poor old George? Do you even care? Will Chapelle intervene? Will the over-burdened Jack come to his senses, or shall chaos ensue? And just why are George Mason and Chase in the same episode? I don't know either! But find out next time!