Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. No dogs were actually harmed in the making of this story.
Konoha Ninja News
Five years have passed since Naruto returned to Konoha (Time Skip, Naruto 2, whatever name you know it by) the gang still does ninja work, but as it doesnt pay so well many of them have gotten together to form the first televised ninja news network, the Konoha Ninja News, or KNN. This . . . is their epic . . . their legend . . . their three page short story.
"Good afternoon, I'm your ancorman Inuzuka Kiba," Kiba says, below him on a white board his name appears. "With me today, and lovely as ever, Hyuuga Tenten."
Captions appear beneath Tenten, displaying her name on the whiteboard in front of her.
"A pleasure Kiba-kun," She says, the caption beneath her suddenly changes to read 'I pleasure her too' she stares at it and rolls her eyes, "Do we have Shino and his bugs doing captions again?"
"Yeah, ignore him." Kiba says, his caption changes to 'I also pleasure his sister' and his eye twitches.
Tenten sighs and says "Very well. Fashion, what's hot what's not? What kind of weather are we looking at? We'll look into a possible domestic abuse scandle and what restaurants can give you food poisoning just by walking through their doors? Our own Akimichi Chouji has that hot scoop."
"But first a message from our lord Hokage, we now go live to feild reporter Sai, Mr. Sai?"
The scene changes to Sai, dressed in a business suit, he brings the microphone over to Naruto, who is dressed in Hokage robes. "Lord Hokage, you desired to make an anouncment to the people of the village on this your one year aniversary of being apointed?"
"Yes. People of Konoha!" Naruto shouted, he glanced left and right at the two masked elite anbu standing on either side of him, "Neji, Sasuke . . . lay down the beat!"
As the masked Neji and Sasuke begin beat boxing Naruto makes his announcement, "People of Konoha . . . I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other ninjas can't deny, and when I get home I'll get Hinata all alone and then she and I--"
"And I dont think we need to hear any more of that." Kiba's voice sighs, the image continues, a now mute Naruto makes some suggestive sign language and humps the air, "Can we kill video?" Kiba demands, and the scene changes back to himself and a shocked looking Tenten. The caption beneath Kiba now reads 'seriously, his sister is up here with me right now' beneath Tenten you can see 'her husband cant beat to save his life'
Tenten looks annoyed, "I cant believe Neji went along with that. Well anyway we now go live to our weather man, Nara Shikamaru for the the weather . . . Shikamaru?"
The scene changes to Shikamaru laying in a grassy feild fast asleep.
"Shikamaru? Camera crew poke him with a stick!" Kiba's voice is heard but the scene remains on Shikamaru.
Tentaively a stick comes out and jabs Shikamaru on the forehead, he stirrs, looks up at the sky, "there's some clouds." He goes back to sleep.
"Shikamaru, wake up and do your job right! I'll make you sleep on the couch, I swear I will, don't just lay there like that you lazy jerk! Are you going to take your daughter to park like you promised her or not? Well? Answer me! Dont think that just because I'm pregnant again I can't beat the tar out of you!"
Shikamaru gets up and grumbles "troublesome Temari" and sighs, "Partly cloudy, slight chance of rain in the evening, highs in the mid nineties, lows in the mid eighties."
"And your predictions for tomorrow?" Kiba presses.
"I predict a black eye and about a collective ten hours of rough make-up sex. Oh wait, she's pregnant . . . so two hours. Maybe she wont be too rough."
"Dont count on it!" Temari shouts from off screen.
"We meant the weather!" Tenten's voice.
"Oh . . . yeah whatever. Probably gonna rain. Dont go fishing."
"I'll keep that in mind." Kiba sighs as the scene returns to him, his caption is now 'Hana says 'hi''
Kiba sighs, "I'm going to kill your caption bugs, Shino." The captions suddenly scurry off. Kiba nods, "That's better. We now go to our fashion expert Yamanaka Ino . . . Ino?"
The screen cuts to Ino on a cellular phone, "Dont tell me that! Those kunai holsters are five days out of fashion, I will not pay for them--oh no we're rolling?" She stows her cell, "Hi! I'm Yamanaka Ino, what's hot, what's not? If you've got any desire not to be snubbed by the people that matter, you probably want to know! For starters, big foreheads are totally out, so is the color pink. And let's face it, you're ugly Sakura, so there! But what can you do about it? Nothing, because you're just a feild reporter, you haven't got your own segment, so haha! I dont even care if you get Sasuke, because I know--"
"Ino," Kiba sighs, "Are you going to tell us anything about actual fashion?"
Ino sighs. "Fishnets. Fishnets remain grossly popular . . . and I'm told that on a related note the pregnancy rate amongst us Kunoichi is rising, but I blame that on that rotten little brood horse Temari . . . is she really pregnant again? This is like her fifth child and she's only twenty three!"
"It's her second Ino, get over it." Kiba sighs.
"It's not fair!" Ino pouted, "She got her figure back last time, even though I had real strands of her hair for the voodoo doll! She'll probably get it back this time too! But I'd turn into a blimp!"
"Ino if you have a child you'll get your figure back." Kiba sighed.
"You dont know that! I could be fat and ugly for the rest of my life just like Sakura!" Ino screamed, throwing her cell phone at the camera man.
"Sakura hasnt had any children, and she's not fat." Kiba sighed again.
"Oh yeah? Well screw you Inuzuka!" Ino screams and the screen cuts back to Kiba.
He shakes his head and looks at Tenten, "I think there's something wrong with my life."
"Yes . . . well today is turning out to be rather interesting." Tenten admitted. "At least we know Chouji will not be asleep, or PMSing."
The screen cuts to Chouji, who seems to be eating obscene amounts of sushi, "Oh yeah! Keep 'em coming!"
"Chouji!" Kiba barks, "Give us your scoop!"
"Screw that!" Chouji cried, holding a bowl of ice cream close to his heart, "It's my scoop!"
"I mean your news scoop!" Kiba groaned.
"Oh that! Yeah turns out no place is going to give you food poisoning, in fact I highly suggest you go eat at . . . what's this place again? Oh! Iruka's Sushi, which doesnt cause food poisoning even though I would have told you it did befeore I got this card for a lifetime of free sushi."
"Chouji . . ." Kiba blinks.
"Hey, we all gotta die sometime." Chouji says.
Kiba sighs. The caption bugs have returned and they say 'Hana is pregnant, your mom is gonna kill me, think of something or you die too!'
"Do I dare?" He asks.
Tenten frowns and shrugs, "I'll do it."
"Good." Kiba says, he rummages through his desk and pulls out a pistol. He presses it to the side of his head, the screen zooms in on Tenten, there is the sound of a gunshot and something red splatters all over Tenten, she speaks unhindered.
"Now sports with Rock Lee . . . Lee?"
"Heeyah! Most excellent news today! Prize fighter Gai-sensei has defeated his arch rival Hatake Kakashi in honorable combat, their arena, Gai-sensei's living room, their weapons, a rock, a piece of paper, and a scisors!"
"Are you sure it wasnt a game of rock, paper, scisors?" Tenten's voice sounds skeptic.
Lee deflates and begins to weep, "Lied to me again, Gai-sensei!"
"Lee . . . sports?"
"Eh? Oh . . . that green team beat that red team at something, the red cheer leaders went with the green team after the game."
"Uh . . . thank's Lee." Tenten says. She turns to Kiba, who is just off screen. "Feel better?" She asks.
The camera zooms out to include Kiba the many paint balls he's used to shoot a picture of Shino. "Yeah, a bit. Now we go live to feild reporter Haruno Sakura who has the report on the domestic violence scandle that shocked the village . . . Sakura . . . please dont screw this up."
The camera goes to Sakura, "Thank's for the vote of confidence Kiba, and by the way Ino . . . screw you! Now the entire village is shaken as our retired Hokage, Tsunade-sama and her 'assisstant' Shizune finally come into the open about their hush-hush relationship."
"This is a domestic violence case?" Tenten's voice.
"The violence was aimed towards their husbands, Jiraiya and Genma who needed to be taken out of the picture . . . and the pizza guy who heard the confession . . . and the girl scouts who happened to be in the area . . . and the old folks who looked like maybe they were Anbu at some time . . . and that dog that stared at them with cute wide eyes, Tsunade-sama was quoted saying 'had to kill the dog, it knew!' and has been otherwise uninterested in offering comment."
The scene returns to Kiba who is now banging his head on the desk as the credits roll, "Kill me! Kill me! Thank you for that Sakura. Kill me! Kill me!"
Tenten smiles weakly, "Uh . . . well . . . stay tuned for reruns of whatever lame sitcom follows us. Good night Konoha!"
Note: It really goes without saying that hardly anyone is in character here, but I didnt want to bash anyone, still I think I kind of did. Sorry. I didn't use a single person in this story that I dont really like so the bashing is not malicious, and it's all in good, questionably tasteful humor so don't be hating.