Konoha Ninja News

Romantic Special

"And so I said to her, I said 'you want some of this, baby?' and she says to me-can you believe it? she says-" Kiba is telling Tenten, who isn't even pretending to listen when the camera man speaks up.

"We're live!"

"We're what? Oh crap!" Kiba cries.

"Yeah. Let's hope Hokage-sama doesn't figure out you're talking about Hinata." Tenten says.

BADA-BADA-BADA! The odd sound of running footsteps in the distance . . .

"What? But I wasn't talking about-" Kiba begins but suddenly Naruto bursts into the room and socks him in the face.

"How dare you proposition my wife!" Naruto cries.

"You did it to Shikamaru's wife." Tenten points out.

"Yeah but its okay because he cant beat me up as bad as I can beat up Kiba." Naruto said.

"If I didn't know you were only joking I'd probably start looking for a home in a village where you aren't Kage. Anyway Kiba-kun wasn't really talking about Hinata-san, I was just joking . . . I didn't think you watched this show."

"I watch EVERY show!" Naruto screams, "I have a clone watching EVERY show, just in case someone mentions me! I love hearing my name mentioned on TV!"

"Uh . . . about our dead anchorman?" Tenten asks.

"Eh? Oh he's fine. Well I'll see you guys later." Naruto says, and leaves.

After he does Kiba gets up, rubbing his jaw, "Thanks for that Tenten. Really love getting hit in the face."

"Sorry. I didn't know he was watching. Good thing I didn't mention how you-"

"No!" Kiba cried, holding his hand over Tenten's mouth, "I don't know what it is, but don't say it! Whatever you're going to say, wait until the commercial!"

"All right . . . I'm sorry-HESLEPTWITHSAKURA!" Tenten cries.

BADA-BADA-BADA! Naruto's rapid footsteps approach!

"My fall back girl too? You die!" Naruto screams, breaking the door down.

"Gah!" Kiba throws himself behind Tenten, who laughs hysterically.

"Oh I'm kidding, kidding. You're so gullible, Hokage-sama, so gullible." Tenten laughs.

Naruto, whose fist is a millimeter away from Kiba's face glares at Tenten, "If you weren't Neji's wife I swear I'd-"

"Oh no he's propositioning me, Neji!" Tenten screams at the camera.

BADA-BADA-BADA

"Slime, Naruto!" Neji screams, breaking through the wall and punching Naruto in the face, which causes Naruto to lurch forward and hit Kiba too.

"Haha, two in one! Oh, I mean 'sorry' Kiba!" Neji says.

"Gah, I wasn't propositioning her!" Naruto says.

"Oh so now you're saying Temari's good enough to sexually harass but Tenten isn't?" Neji demands.

"Pretty much . . . I mean-" Naruto begins but gets hit again, he glares at Neji and says "One more hit and we start discussing how greatly I'll be reducing your pay!"

"You don't pay me anything!" Neji cries.

"Yeah, kinda makes you wonder what I'll be taking away then, doesn't it?"

"Not really."

"Oh you're no fun." Naruto pouts, but he and Neji leave anyway.

"Uh . . . well that was a lovely waste of time." Kiba says, rubbing his jaw. "So Shino, your caption bugs have been pretty quiet . . . Shino?"

"Please Hold . . ." The captions read.

Kiba glowers at Tenten, "I'm letting it go for now . . . but whatever you're on, get help."

"Just a little fun, I swear . . . and it was Ino's idea."

"That fat pig." Kiba scoffs.

BADA-BADA-BADA

Ino bursts into the room and throws herself at Kiba, "I'll scratch your eyes out!"

Tenten stacks some papers on her desk and smiles at the camera, "So anyway, now to Shikamaru with the weather."

The scene changes to Shikamaru with his head down on his desk while his daughter hits him with her fan, and Temari, holding their son complains to him. "So Neji showed up and kicked Naruto's butt at the mere thought of him harassing Tenten, but he propositions me on live TV and where the heck are you?"

"Meh." Shikamaru grumbles.

"Uh . . . guys can we have some weather?" Tenten asks.

"You want weather, go outside!" Temari snapps.

"Outside!" Her daughter agrees, and whacks Shikamaru really hard on the head.

"Shikamaru . . ." Tenten says, pleadingly.

"You started this you troublesome woman. You and that husband of yours. You'll get no weather from me, now go away!"

"Gah! Camera crew, poke him with the stick! Poke him hard!" Tenten commands.

Shikamaru laughs, "Hah! Turns out our poking stick got stolen last night, you have no power over me!"

"Throw the camera at him!" Tenten cries.

"What?" Shikamaru gasps as the camera suddenly zooms in on his head really, really fast, the lens cracks and everything goes to static when it hits Shikamaru.

The scene returns to Tenten, and Kiba is now pulling himself up into his chair. "Ugh! Ten . . . you're a mean old bi-" Kiba begins but Tenten cuts him off.

"Since you're here Ino, give us your fashion report!" Tenten commands.

"Having kids is out! That means you Temari, you cow!" Ino screams, "Shikamaru should have been mine, I cant believe you stole him from-whoa, wait I don't know where that last part came from!"

BADA-BADA-BADA

The door breaks down again and Temari slams her fan into the small of Ino's back, "Say somethin' else air head!"

"Oh crap it hurts!" Kiba screams when Ino goes flying into him.

Tenten slams her head on the table, "I know I started it! I know I started it!" She groans and lays her head down, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Can we just act like professionals?"

"No! How dare you suggest it!" Comes the caption bug response.

"Oh great . . . Shino." Tenten sighs.

"She says that every night, but with enthusiasm." The captions decree.

"That Shino . . . he's an enemy of all women! Let's get him Temari!" Ino cries.

"Oh you wish I'd let you off that easy!" Temari cries, kicking Ino in the face.

"Someone get a ring full of mud for these two buxom blondes!" Shino's captions read.

Temari pauses, "Well . . . on second thought, this once we'll work together, Ino."

"Mortal enemies working together for the common good!" Ino screams dramatically.

"Oh shut up." Temari scoffs, "I just need someone to act as a club since I don't want to get bug guts all over my fan."

"Bug guts?" Ino squeals as Temari drags her out of the room.

"How did they read the captions in front out our desks when they're fighting behind the desk?" Kiba asks.

Shino's captions read "Haha, they only think they know where I am! In my secret base of evil I can do as I please!"

faintly from outside you can hear Ino say "Hey Temari-san, he's over here, hiding behind the water cooler!"

The sounds of distant pummeling, and Shino's screams fill the room for a moment, finally there is silence.

Kiba gets into his chair and sighs, "All right. So anyway . . . yeah . . . Chouji?"

"Okay, here's the scoop!" Chouji says, appearing on screen in front of a night club, "The mixed nuts at Izumo and Kotetsu's night club and barbecue grill are of the hook! And I know what you're thinking, two guys, own a night club, no clear desire to date women--"

"They're both married to lovely women, what are you talking about?" Tenten demands.

Chouji pauses. Then throws his microphone down, "Well there you have it, the mystery solved, Izuma and Kotetsu really are straight. Thanks Tenten, thanks a lot."

"What the heck does any of that have to do with food?" Kiba demanded.

"Nothing. Anyway make sure to stop by Asuma's Korean Barbecue, the best barbecue in Konoha . . . and they didn't pay me to spread rumors about Izumo and Kotetsu's night club and grill."

"Chouji if you were a police officer you'd be the most corrupt one there is." Kiba sighs.

"Kiba if I were a police officer you'd never see a donut again for the rest of your life." Chouji says, and the scene switches back to Kiba and Tenten.

"So now sports with Lee." Kiba sighs.

"Wait Kiba, we didn't do our introductions."

"Oh gosh Ten!"

"See? Now everyone thinks my name is Ten! When did I give you permission to shorten it?"

"Fine, whatever. This is Konoha Ninja News, I'm your anchorman Inuzuka Kiba, with me, and lovely as always is Hyuga Tenten!"

"Thank you Kiba, I'm so honored to be here."

"She said that last night too, in my room."Shino's bugs say.

"Oh drat, Ino and Temari left some life in him." Tenten sighs.

"Yeah well, you should have known not even death would stop him from ruining your intro."

"You really do bring it upon yourself." The bugs read.

"Fine! Whatever! Get to sports!" Tenten pouts.

"KEYAH! Rock Lee here sports fans, and I have the most fantastic news for you today!"

"Lee our producers say you need to stop reporting things about Gai." Kiba says.

Lee stares at the camera for about ten minutes, then throws a stack of papers over his shoulders, "There go all of my stories!"

"Do you have anything about sports?"

"Well . . . uh . . . lets see . . . something about a bowl that's supposed to be super? No, nobody cares about that. A cup that belongs to someone named Stanley? No, nobody cares about that either . . . hmm . . . all right! Great news sports fans, Hatake Kakashi was beaten today by Ga-uh I mean by a mystery fighter!"

"Darn it Lee do you want to lose your job?" Kiba demands.

"I report the way I want or I don't report!"

"Fine, forget you, you big browed freak!" Kiba screams as the camera comes back to him.

"I think he's a little obsessed with Gai . . ." Tenten grumbles.

"Oh you're just mad because he wouldn't marry you."

"Oh please, I was butt naked and covered in his favorite brand of liquid steroids and he turned me down!" Tenten screamed.

"Was this before or after you were married to Neji? Because I remember Lee didn't start using steroids until a year after you and Neji-"

"Shut up Kiba!" Tenten screams.

Kiba sighs, "Well anyway Sakura . . . you have a story about the duck pond?"

"Yes, thank you Kiba . . . I do have a story about the duck pond, however I would like to note that I am not Naruto's fall back girl."

"Yeah we know." Kiba's voice says reassuringly.

"I am his number freakin' one! You hear me? I am the top dog, I am his main squeeze, I am the one he loves!"

BADA-BADA-BADA

"Eh, what the heck is that?" Sakura demands, then Hinata comes into frame.

"Byakugan!" She screams and goes not so gentle fist on Sakura's butt.

"Ah crap, it hurts! The pain! I haven't even started on the ducks!" Sakura cries.

BADA-BADA-BADA

"Now what?" Sakura groans.

"Stop right there!" Sasuke cries, "How dare you?"

"Oh Sasuke, you've come to save me!" Sakura sighs lovingly.

"Well I guess he's got feelings for her after all." Kiba's voice.

"How sweet." Tenten's voice.

"How dare you, Hinata? You should have known!" Sasuke says, taking up a fighting stance, "That I'd want to be in on this! All this time you've been seeing Naruto? You unforgivable cretin! Now you've had your turn so you hold her and I'll punch!"

"What?" Sakura cries as Hinata holds her hands behind her back.

The camera fades out as Sasuke launches a round house kick at Sakura, it comes back to a very shocked Tenten and Kiba.

"Well . . . maybe Sasuke and Hinata will go easy on her."

"Talk about complicated love triangles . . . or squares . . . uh . . . hexagons?" Tenten asks.

Well lets see, You, Me, Hana, Sakura, Temari, Ino, Hinata, man I get all the babes!

"Nobody believes that lie, Shino!" Tenten screams.

"I don't think it matters, Ten." Kiba sighs.

You just don't care because you don't have anybody! Shino's bugs accuse.

Kiba sighs, "Well . . . anyway . . . Sai . . . you don't have any romantic problems right? I mean you can report properly right?"

The camera cuts to Sai, in Shikamaru's weather room hitting him with a microphone as Shikamaru's troublesome daughter whacks him with her fan, and his son applauds happily, "Ino was mine! Ino was mine!"

"You can have her, I don't want her!" Shikamaru groans as his head is assaulted.

Kiba sighs, "Fine! Screw you all!"

He's just mad 'cause he's the only person not getting any. Shino's bugs say.

"Okay, y'know what Shino? The only reason I don't get mad about you and Hana is because I did your sister!"

That's not cool man . . . and I don't have a sister!

"Oh right . . ." Kiba sighs.

"Well anyway, this is Hyuga Tenten, signing off . . . sorry about all this folks, I mean it is valentines day and all so-"

"Wait! It's not valentines day!" Kiba cries suddenly.

"Oh . . . well then I guess we all got worked up for nothing. Good to know. Oh this just in, Hokage-sama's wife has left him for . . . Neji?" Tenten screams a blood curdling scream and runs out of the studio.

There is silence, then Kiba laughs wickedly, "Haha! We got the bitch! That'll teach her to play jokes on us!"

Straight up.

"I just hope Hinata can take her." Kiba says.

There's a brief pause and then . . . "Ahem. I couldn't." Hinata says, suddenly appearing behind Kiba.

Kiba sighs. "This isn't going to hurt too much, is it?"

"You won't feel a thing." Hinata says, cocking a hand gun and pressing it against the back of Kiba's head.

The screen goes black and there's a gun shot, bugs scurry over the screen and Shino's caption reads Good night Konoha, enjoy the hot mud wrestling show that follows us!

Good Night!