Alright this is my first House fanfic. I love Chase and Cameron together so that's my pairing. I was inspired by that episode with the black tie event, I loved Jennifer Morrison in that dress.
Disclaimer: I don't own House, but as my revenge I take everyone out of character and make them use colour with a u, that's right it's Canadian revenge. Eh!
Cuddy's heels clicked with each step she took as she gripped the folder in her hand even tighter. Her destination was a frequent stop for her, the office of one Gregory House. A look of unimaginable frustration tugged at every line on her face.
The day itself had promised to be fine, it was sunny at last breaking the week long marathon of rain. And weeks of strict diet and exercise had finally paid off, she at last had an excuse to buy that white cotton shirt she had looked at in her favorite store. She had been looking forward to buying it from that snotty little sales girl who had suggested she try on something a little more age appropriate.
Then it happened. The universe had a sick sense of humor that was one thing to be sure of.
She knew what he was doing before she could even see him. There was could only be one of three possibilities. One: he was taking in a dangerous amount of Vicodin trying to beat his own record of how many he could shove into his mouth at a time. Two: Abusing Mr. Turner, the coma patient on the third floor who apparently got the best reception for General Hospital. Or of course three: Hiding out in his own little club house of a diagnostics lounge playing with his ipod or PSP or whatever other little gadget he had hidden in his desk. And any one of these or a combination of all three might include Wilson, House's own personal regularly abused Jiminy Cricket. He would of course not be doing what he was supposed to be doing, completing his steadily growing hours of clinic duty.
As Cuddy turned down the next hall she could see the blinds of his office were opened. His legs were propped up on his desk, crossed at the ankles. He was banging his fist on the end of a ruler balanced on the arm of his chair, launching small white pills that were resting on the other end into his mouth. He didn't even bother looking up as she walked in, arms crossed severely over her chest.
"We're being sued." She said coolly tossing the service papers down in front of him.
House ignored her as he screwed the lid back on his Vicodin container. Sighing he picked up the folder and started flicking through the pages. Clearly not at all interested he tossed it back carelessly on the desk. Only when he felt Cuddy's stone cold glare digging into the back of his skull did he finally look up at her.
"What? Did you want balloons and confetti to fly down from the sky?"
House sighed and rubbed his face with his hand. "Fine I'll humor you, why oh why Cuddy are we getting sued?"
"You attacked your patient's mother, you preformed surgery on the patient's brain when they were having heart problems and you almost crashed your bike into their car when you pulled out of your parking space too fast." As Cuddy listed each occasion of House's negligence he twirled his cane and admired his shoes.
"Are you done? Good. First I did not attack the mother I was escorting her out of the room. She was hysterical, her son went into cardiac arrest. Of course little bobby's heart only crapped out because he was sleeping with every slut on his campus-"
"And I operated on his brain because every sign pointed to a tumor."
"But there was no tumor."
"Minor details, and the car thing, well I never actually hit them did I?"
Cuddy didn't know whether to laugh or throttle him. "How's the hospital supposed to pay for this?"
"Well we'll find out in court won't we?"
"We're not taking this to court House." Cuddy sighed.
House frowned and looked up at her. "Why not, it doesn't sound like they have a case to me."
"Well their lawyer is pretty sure they do and even our lawyers know we're just going to get our asses handed to us. Besides if we go to court you'll just end up in jail and worse we'll wind up paying even more. So we're at a bit of a stalemate."
House leaned back in his chair and surveyed Cuddy through deep blue eyes clouded with thought. She raised her chin and matched his gaze, refusing to let his childish staring contest get under her skin. She knew this was how he won, he would stare at you as long as it took until you caved. He didn't do it very often, no keeping quite for too long took the patience and stamina House didn't posses. But he would always use it as a last resort, a way to still seem arrogant and in charge with no words at all. But Cuddy knew it was nothing more than him just running out of clever things to say. Now if she could only keep reminding herself of that.
Finally she decided playing his game would get her nowhere. She inhaled sharply and spoke again. "How are we going to pay for this?" It took all her will to keep her voice steady and even.
"Simple, people come in, we fix 'em, they pay us, the wheel goes round."
"As shrewd as you make it sound we still can't afford this."
House frowned and picked up the folder again. He scanned down the first page before speaking again.
"The hospital's paid more than this."
Cuddy scoffed. "You would know wouldn't you?"
House frowned and looked up at her, his eyes all knowing. "You're not telling me something. What makes this so different then any other time we've been sued?"
"Are you kidding?"
"Normally you come in, bitch for about half an hour, I pretend I'm listening when I'm actually trying to remember the lyrics to Gilligan's Island, then you say something about ethics and leave and we resume our lives. This is different, you're obviously not firing me, you would have come right out and said it. Are you putting me on suspension? Taking away my parking space for some other cripple doctor? Are you going to spank me?" At this House winked and growled suggestively.
Cuddy groaned and rolled her eyes. "The only difference between this time and every other occasion you've cost the hospital millions of dollars is that we have no money."
"What happened, price of rubber gloves skyrocket?"
"If you paid attention to any of the memos I sent out you would know the entire oncology ward needs those funds for the new addition we're putting in."
"What addition? Some dark room in the back to put all the unattractive dieing people? Wow I didn't even think you read my idea I put in the suggestion box."
"It's a nursery for the children."
"Cancer kids are so lucky."
"Don't you even care about what could happen to you?"
House just smirked at her and smugly popped a pill into his mouth.
"Let me make myself as clear as possible here." Cuddy said with false sweetness in her voice. Coolly she leaned down and rested her hands on the arms of House's chair until her face was level with his. "We don't have a way to afford this, so you have a choice. You can either go to jail and find several new creative uses for that cane, or…"
Cuddy smiled, she had always thought her ultimate revenge against House would involve a blunt object of some sort, but beggars can't be choosers.
House raised an eyebrow and looked at her suspiciously. "Or what?"
"There is one other way." Cuddy said as she rose again.
House, becoming interested, folded his hands on his lap. "So you were hiding something."
Cuddy picked up the folder that lay forgotten on the desk and flipped through the pages. She pulled out a pale yellow sheet of paper and handed it to him. He stared at her outstretched hand for a moment before taking the paper. His eyes skimmed down the words scrawled out in rushed writing and frowned. It was a list for a party, and by the looks of it a big one.
"Planning another one of your key parties? Do I get to come this year? Perverted single people always have the best avocado dip."
Cuddy let his immature jab slide and just kept smiling coyly at him. "Every year Princeton-Plainsboro throws a charity event."
"Oh yeah I vaguely remember last year's, of course I was away most of the time seeing as I was curing your patient. Well I can't blame you for not doing it yourself, you were having too much fun gambling and getting wasted."
The smug smile on Cuddy's face faded, that was an unfair blow. But oh, would this ever be worth it.
"Yes well, we still need someone to plan this year's event."
House's head snapped up. "No way in hell."
Cuddy sighed. "That's too bad because well, I would be very grateful to whoever were to take this annoying little task off my hands."
House just smirked and looked at her with mock confusion. "Cuddy you wouldn't be suggesting a bribe would you?"
"It's going to take a whole lot of ass kissing on my part, not to mention all the favours I'll have to call in, but I might be able to, oh I don't know make this-" She waved the folder under his nose, "-disappear."
House suddenly sniffed the air and made a face.
"Do you smell that?" He asked bringing his nose extremely close to Cuddy's blouse.
Cuddy groaned and waited for whatever weird House thing he was bound to say.
"It smells like… a crappy deal."
Cuddy could feel the beginning of a migraine starting behind her eyes. "So you would rather go to prison than play host for a few hours?"
"Yep, prison always gets a bad rap. I figure it'll be less work and I'll get more hugs."
Cuddy scowled. "You're doing this House."
"Does my job depend on it?"
Cuddy scoffed. "You know if you went to jail you'd still be unemployed."
House gasped and looked at her with large shocked eyes. "Cuddy I'm hurt, you wouldn't wait for me to get out of the slammer, I thought you loved me baby doll." He said adding a Brooklyn accent to his speech.
"You have one last chance to take this deal House."
"Does Satan own your soul or just rent?"
House sighed and picked up the list again. "What do I have to do?"
Cuddy exhaled the breath that she had been secretly holding in and gave a silent cheer at her victory. "Follow the list." She said curtly. With that she turned on her heel. As she neared the doorway she turned and looked back at House. His eyes were still on the sheet of paper.
"As anyone ever told you you're a manipulating-"
"Don't pout House, it isn't that much work. All you have to do is get a caterer, a bar tender, food for about 1,200 people, decorations, a theme..."
"You haven't done anything?"
Cuddy just smiled. "Have fun." She said as she disappeared into the hall.
House grabbed his large tennis ball and squeezed, watching as his knuckles turned white. Okay no problem, he could probably call in some favours get some cheap help for the food and beverage distribution. Wilson or one of his ducklings could come up with a theme, most likely Chase. He already had some extra holiday decorations that he borrowed from his neighbours a few years ago. Who knows with a couple weeks he could pull off one half assed party and keep the spending money for himself. He smiled and tossed the ball from one hand to the other resting his feet back on the desk.
Suddenly Cuddy's head popped back in doorway. "Probably should have mentioned this before, the event's at the end of this week."
Her head vanished one more time just as the large ball came whizzing through the air in her direction.
House hobbled down the hall with the now crumpled sheet of paper in his fist. He searched up and down the corridor looking for the right person. Almost every nurse and doctor he passed already knew him so they were obviously not the right candidate. No he needed someone with just the right qualities: gullible, slow, and most importantly, easily manipulated. And as he neared the reception desk he saw her, a young twenty something nurse with kittens on her scrubs, perfect.
"Excuse me." He said with all the fake sincerity he could muster. "This has been bugging me, I saw you across the hall, do I know you?"
The nurse blushed and flicked her dark chestnut hair over her shoulder. "I was Miss New Jersey last year."
House smiled, he didn't really recognise her but he knew that someone with looks like hers was either a beauty queen, a model or a stripper.
"Of course, I'm a big fan."
The young nurse giggled and House tried not to smirk. Women like her would do anything you asked if you complimented them enough.
"Oh, uh can I help you with anything?" She asked suddenly remembering her job.
"No I just need some paper clips." He lied as he grabbed a handful from the jar she had beside her. "Well actually now that you mention it, could you tell Dr. Cuddy that Dr. Forman needs her for a consult in room 405?"
House smiled as the nurse picked up the phone and dialled the number for Cuddy's office. He had left her a little surprise in the form of a disgruntle patient with a thermometer wedged someplace that would make anyone disagreeable. As House put his collection of paper clips in his pocket he quickly read the woman's name tag. Apparently her name was Tiffany, making House wonder if she was a stripper after all.
The perky nurse hung up the phone and turned to look at House once more. "Will that be all Dr. Forman?"
"Dr. House." He said correcting her.
Tiffany's smile faltered and she looked at him with badly hidden suspicion.
House sighed perhaps a little over dramatically. "I take it you heard of me."
"Well yes actually." She said slowly, still unsure what to make of him.
House looked up at her sadly, using his shocking blue eyes to his advantage. "People can be so cruel, so close-minded. What did they tell you?"
Tiffany looked away awkwardly. "They said you were a miserable jerk."
House made a noise some might call a whimper "You know I think these rumours only start because they just don't think I'm good enough." He said making sure she took full notice of his cane.
She looked at him warmly, her eyes welling up. "I know what you mean, nobody thought I was ever smart enough to be a nurse. But here I am." As she spoke she reached out and rested her hand over his.
Quickly House pinched himself, bringing tears to his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but his words got choked off and he looked away.
"It's alright, you don't have to say anything." She said in practically a whisper.
House covered his mouth with his hand and nodded. He turned to leave but then suddenly turned back and reached a hand over the desk up to her. Quickly he snatched a bobby pin out of hair, realising the hair in her loose bun to fall down to her shoulders.
"You look so much better with your hair down, Tiffany." He said as he pocketed her pin.
Tiffany watched him as he turned once more, her hand pressed to her heart.
As he turned around the next corner he looked back to make sure he was well out of her sight before pulling the pin out of his pocket. Walking down the hall he passed his own office without stopping. Reaching the door he was looking for he quickly bit the plastic safety ends of the pin off revealing the sharp metal beneath. With a deep breath he bent down beside the door and cringed at the instant pain shooting through his stiff leg. He winced and jammed the pin into the lock. With an odd amount of expertise he twisted and turned the thin metal hair piece until he heard the tumblers of the locked door fall into place. Smiling wolfishly he put the pin back in his pants, and invited himself into Wilson's office.
The doctor in question looked up from his computer as House strolled in and sat down in one the chairs in front of Wilson's desk.
"I should have known a locked door wouldn't stop you. Next time I'll try razor wire."
"Got a problem Jimmy."
"House I'm really busy, if you killed someone or Cuddy won't let you kill someone can we talk about it at lunch?"
House ignored him and helped himself to one of the colourful mints in the plastic tray on Wilson's desk. Wilson grabbed the candies and hid them in the top drawer of his desk. House sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out the list for the party which was now tightly crumbled into a ball. He chucked it at Wilson and started playing with one of the paper clips in his pocket. Wilson fumbled to catch it and it dropped on the floor. He glared at House as he picked it up. Holding it in his hand Wilson looked at House unsurely.
House sighed. "Read it Mr. M.D."
Wilson grumbled as he smoothed it out on his desk. He read only a few items on the list before looking back at House, more confused than before.
"The always gracious Cuddy as allowed me the privilege of planning this year's charity event."
Wilson covered his laughter with a cough. "What the hell did you do this time?"
"It was just a little malpractice suit, nothing huge."
Wilson nodded rereading the list again. "This is a big job, food, catering, band…"
"What?" House frowned and grabbed the list again. "This is sick, she wants a string quartet."
"This is going to take you awhile." Wilson grinned.
"Yeah too bad we only have until Friday."
Wilson started to laugh but stopped when he heard House's words sink in. "Wait, we?"
"Well of course Jimmy, I assume my bestest buddy has my back."
"What about all those times I've done you favours? When I loaned you money, gave you rides whenever you asked."
"That was me House."
"Oh yeah, I thought that sounded too much like a pushover to be me."
"Compliments will get you nowhere."
House propped his feet up on Wilson's desk staring at him. "Come on it'll be…fun."
"You're planning something aren't you, some sort of self justified prank that Cuddy will no don't be the victim of."
"The only victim here is me."
Wilson snorted. "Yeah you and hundreds of terminal cancer kids who will probably not see any money from whatever god awful party you're going to throw just to spite Cuddy."
"Oh no I'm planning the best event this hospital's ever seen." House told him.
Wilson blinked and stared at House. "You've lost me."
"Have you seen the budget for this party? It's huge."
"And I'm going on my third week of eating nothing but toast and rice."
"So you're going to throw an impossibly expensive event and not spend a dime. Oh I have to hear this one."
Wilson stared at House like he just lost his mind. "Did you walk into a wall on your way here?"
House smiled, "It's Cuddy's new password. You know she's bookmarked a place called red hot smokers? It's these firemen and-"
Wilson raised his hand looking disturbed and disgusted at the same time. "What does any of this have to do with your plan?"
House smirked smugly. "You know it's amazing she doesn't put more security on her private folders. Passwords, bank account, credit info all at my fingertips. You know if a person really wanted to he could just withdraw all the money he wanted from her private bank account."
Wilson shook his head. "You're unbelievable. You're talking about robbing Cuddy aren't you?"
"Now you're catching on."
"House beyond this plan being completely impossible and morally wrong in every way, she'll find out eventually."
"I have my ways."
"You'll go to jail!"
"Well then you'd have the peace you've always wanted, wouldn't you?"
Wilson rolled his eyes and glared at House. Finally he sighed. "When do we start?"
Okay this was going to be a oneshot I realized that would just be way too long. So I'll break it into two parts or maybe three I don't know yet.
Reviews are always welcome and highly encouraged!