The proper care and feeding of your Dean Winchester

Congratulations on your recent acquisition of a Dean Winchester! To maximise your enjoyment of your Dean Winchester, there are a few very simple guidelines you should keep in mind.

Never, ever let him hear you say 'ownership'. Dean Winchester is not owned by anybody – and if he hears you say 'possession', things are liable to get very messy indeed, involving shotguns, and police being called to your home to investigate abuse of condiments.

You will find that your Dean Winchester responds well to frequent handling, and is never happier than when at the wheel of the 67 Chevy Impala (available at a discount from WinchestersRUs when bought at the same time as Sam Winchester. Note: do not let your Sam Winchester drive the Impala; not only will this tick off your Dean Winchester, but he has a habit of damaging the car by driving it into buildings and trucks).

Your Dean Winchester should be kept calm and happy by frequent exposure to mullet rock.

His preferred food is M&Ms, which can also be useful for tracking him should he disappear.

Don't let him play with scarecrows alone. Whatever he might tell you, he's really not very good at it.

Your Dean Winchester has several hobbies, but is better at some than others. He is a sucky artist, but still enjoys playing with crayons. You can keep him happy for hours by giving him a busted-up walkman and asking him to make something technical to detect the supernatural from it. He also enjoys putting together bags of herbs to repel poltergeists. Hint: don't let him lick the angelica root; he won't like it, and you'll only end up having to give him something else to lick to get rid of the taste.

If your Dean Winchester objects to flying, give him holy water, a home- made EMF meter, and tell him there's a demon on board the plane. If he hums Metallica while looking for it, look on it as a positive sign. At least he's not screaming.

Your Dean Winchester will be happiest in jeans and biker boots (the shirt is optional). Never, ever ask him to wear shorts. He also enjoys wearing costumes; the priest one is his especial favourite as he gets lots of free food when he's wearing it.

If your Dean Winchester is looking depressed, the easiest solution is to get him a Sam Winchester to play with. If this is beyond your means, give him a lighter and a shotgun, and you'll notice an instant change to his demeanour.

It is a sad fact that your Dean Winchester will flirt with anyone he meets. You can either lock him in your house to avoid him meeting anyone (the preferred option), or get a Sam Winchester who will ensure he leaves bars at a reasonable hour – unless there is karaoke, in which case you may need to go and rescue your Sam Winchester from public humiliation.

If you do get a Sam Winchester, never, ever let him play the Asylum game. It will result in irreparable damage to your Dean Winchester.

Should your Dean Winchester start taking off his clothes, this is normal behaviour and you are to be congratulated on getting his care and feeding right.

Should your Dean Winchester start taking off his skin, return him immediately to WinchestersRUs for a full refund. Alternatively, share a beer with him on the couch and see what he has to whisper into your ear.

Enjoy having your very own Dean Winchester!