Disclaimer: Not mine.


-- -- --

He stood by the lake, fingering a tiny piece of paper. The tidy scrawl of Lily Evans read only one word:


He knew he shouldn't do it, he shouldn't betray James's trust like this. His stomach would turn uncomfortable whenever James called him his "best mate," telling people that Sirius "would never do anything that wasn't good for the both of them."

But he forgot all his guilt every time he got to spend a night with Lily.

-- -- --

Her red hair was fiery and loud by itself, and her green eyes seemed bright and cheerful.

He was the only one that knew that her looks were only a disguise for the pain she was feeling inside.

He was the only one she confided in.

He was the one she turned to.

And for all of this, he let himself believe that maybe he was as special to her as she was to him.

It was eleven o'clock on a Friday night.

He waited for her in the room of requirement, knowing she'd be along any moment.

"Sirius?" she said nervously as she opened the door, though she'd done this many times before. She threw herself at him, eloping him in a deep, needy hug, and he hugged her back, hoping she'd realize that he needed this even more than she did.

-- -- --

Her parents had died several months ago, and he was the first one she confided in. She'd already been going out with James for over a month, but she came to him first, a formal letter clutched in her hand and tears running down her cheeks.

-- -- --

It was a week after the deaths that she had come to him, asking him if he might be able to do a favor for her, something that only he could do, that James "wouldn't understand."

He didn't ask her questions or interrogate her. He didn't need to.

He brought her the firewhisky, and though she half-heartedly pleaded with him, saying she could do this on her own, he drank with her, each of them absorbed in their own miserable thoughts.

-- -- --

After a couple of hours of downing goblet after goblet of firewhisky, she'd start calling him "darling" and "love" and doing things with him she certainly hadn't done with James.

It drove him mad knowing that in the morning, he would be the only one to remember. That Lily had no idea of what was really happening those nights in the room of requirement. That Sirius was being more than just a comforting friend.

-- -- --

He hated seeing her with James, holding hands and whispering in each others ears.

But she'd flash him a smile every so often, and when he'd get a letter requesting another meeting, that would more than make up for the stabs of pain he felt when he saw James lean into Lily for a kiss.

-- -- --

He may not have been quite as clever as James, but eventually, he figured it out.

She knew.

The whole time, she knew.

She had to know that Sirius didn't just want to be her friend. She had to know that more happened those nights than Sirius being a drinking pal, comforting her when she started to break into tears.

-- -- --

In a way, she was Voldemort and he was a Death Eater.

Even though she constantly played with his trust, he claimed that he knew her best, he was the one she trusted, he was the one she cared about most.

-- -- --

They left school, and still, it continued. Sometimes without the firewhisky involved.

-- -- --

He was the best man at her wedding, and even though it absolutely killed him to watch, he waited just for the secret wink that told him that he meant everything to her.

-- -- --

"We can't do this anymore."

He'd said it over and over again, only to have Lily press her lips against his.

And under her influence, he forgot about James quicker than with any amount of firewhisky.

-- -- --

He was repulsed by himself. After a while, he couldn't even look in the mirror anymore.

This is killing you, his conscience would say.

But some things are worth dying for.

-- -- --

She died. She died with James. James, his best mate. James, who never knew that Sirius had been betraying him for all those years…

They were up there together, and there was nothing stopping Lily from loving James with her whole heart anymore.

-- -- --

He wondered briefly if James knew now.

He doubted if any of it mattered anymore.

-- -- --

He'd fill his mind with memories of Lily as he drifted off into an uncomfortable sleep, as the shouts of the Death Eaters who'd been betrayed echoed through his ears.

And as much as he hated to admit it, he'd been betrayed just as badly as they had.

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a/n: review, yeah?