Standard disclaimer applies: If I owned Hunter X Hunter, then Hisoka would be truly mine! And to give credit where credit is due, this was also inspired by Invader Androgynous' My Boyfriend fic.
The Great Fiancé Fraud
"What exactly are you trying to tell me?" Machi said with an air of bored detachment, her chin on one hand as she gazed coolly at the trembling lawyer across the desk.
"Ver−…very well. You see Machi-san," the lawyer continued nervously, tugging at his necktie. The girl just had an unsettling aura about her. "What…what all this means is that, since you're her, erm, nearest living relative, your aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother is going to leave you all her fortune."
Machi yawned. Her bank assets, albeit all from stolen goods, was still enormous so she was only vaguely interested. "And how much is it?"
"One zillion jenis."
Machi jerked up in her seat, boredom miraculously vanishing. A zillion was a zillion after all…well, even if it only happened in fiction. "Is she dying…" Machi tried to inject concern in her voice, "…soon?" What was the fastest way to make it soon?
"Ah, don't worry about that," the lawyer comforted her, totally missing the glint in her eyes. "She's still strong but she wants to leave her affairs in order. Besides that, she plans to give it all to you after she meets you next week."
Machi uncharacteristically smiled.
"So as I've said, all that was required is for you to meet her over dinner," then the lawyer added, "You and your fiancé."
Her smile vanished. "My, er, fiancé?"
"Oh, gomen," the lawyer hastily apologized, "I didn't see a wedding band…so I just thought…that is, I mean your husband then."
The lawyer's eyes widened, finally understanding, "But Machi-san, I thought you understood. You would only get the inheritance if you're married or engaged."
Machi nodded to the other members of the astounded Genei Ryodan. She had just finished recounting to them the affair of her inheritance and its stipulation. Who knew that a relative of hers, whom she hadn't met or heard of before, would have definitely ancient ideas about what a proper young woman should be? That is, to be safely in the care of a husband. Shudder.
"So all you have to do is meet her for dinner next week and bring your fiancé with you?" Shizuku asked.
Machi nodded again. "Apparently, I'm the only one left of the Ito family, although I'm only a relative on her husband's side." She then frowned, "The only thing that bothers me is that she expects me to be married or engaged to a man that she'll approve of."
"But you're not."
"That shouldn't be a problem," Phinx said with a grin while flexing his muscles. "I know I haven't said this before," he continued charmingly as he draped an arm over Machi's shoulders, "But I've always thought you were pretty."
"Lose the arm."
Phinx immediately backed away. "Aww, I was only trying to help. If you have to be engaged, why not to me?" He preened for her benefit.
"I've already thought this through," Machi said as she ignored him and crossed her arms. "I couldn't be engaged, let alone be married, in a week's time. Besides, after she meets me, she's supposedly going to sign over the inheritance to me. So a husband is only going to be a nuisance."
Phinx stepped back once more. "So what are you going to do?" Shalnark asked.
"I'll just pretend to have a fiancé."
"Simple really," she said as she tapped a finger to her cheek. "She wants me to present a suitable man to her, she'll get it."
"Ok, let's go through the list one more time," Machi told Shizuku slowly. At times like this, she wished that Pakunoda was still with them. Shizuku was ok but heck, she couldn't even sometimes remember where she left her eyeglasses. Which she was always wearing by the way.
Shizuku looked down at the list in her hand. She had volunteered to help Machi to select a presentable husband-to-be to her, umm, aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother.
Machi's plan was simple. She was going to hire a man to masquerade as her fiancé for that fateful meeting. Where was she going to get one? That was easy. Right about now, the other Spiders, who were all male, were in the next room awaiting her decision on who gets to be the lucky man. Lucky because Machi was going to split the inheritance 20-80 with her pretend boyfriend, and 20 percent of one zillion jenis was like…20 percent of one zillion jenis!
"Shalnark and Phinx are on top of the list," Shizuku read out aloud while Machi thought about it:
Scenario #1: Shalnark or Phinx
"Aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother Ito, I would like you to meet my fiancé, Shalnark."
"Konbanwa, Ito-sama," Shalnark said politely then upon seeing an apricot on the dessert plate said excitedly, "Do you know that apricots are the staple food of the Hunzas? Because of that they have an average life span of more than 100 and they live in the Himalayas…blah, blah, blah…"
"Whaaaat?" the old lady would say, "My great-grandson's paternal cousin's niece is marrying a…a…a blabbering geek! No inheritance for you, young lady!"
How about if it was Phinx?
"Aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother Ito, I would like you to meet my fiancé, Phinx."
"Oi, Machi, look!" Phinx points to the silver utensils of the elegant table setting, "They're all high-quality silver but some dumb fellow screwed up big time! There's only one spoon and there's so many forks!"
"Whaaaat?" the old lady would say, "My great-grandson's paternal cousin's niece is marrying a…a…a muscle-brained goof! No inheritance for you, young lady!"
"Ei, what did you say about me?" Phinx angrily asked as he cracked his fists.
Machi sighed. Nope, she didn't want the old lady to die before she signed over the inheritance. "Who's next?"
Scenario #2: Nobunaga
"Aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother Ito, I would like you to meet my fiancé, Nobunaga."
"How do you do, ma'am?" Nobunaga bowed. The old lady graciously smiled then the smile faltered as they sat down. Nobunaga sat with one foot on the chair. "Oi, we need service!" he calls out while thumping the table with his katana. The old lady cringes.
"Good evening, sir and madams," a properly dressed waiter addresses them, "My name is Ubogin and I will be your waiter for this evening."
"Ubogin? Your name is Ubogin?" Nobunaga starts to cry. "Waaah! I also had a good friend named Ubogin but he was killed by one of our enemies, waaah!"
The old lady leaves hurriedly from the table.
"Who's next?" Machi asks desperately.
"Well, we put down Franklin but you crossed him out." Shizuku pointed out to her.
That was a careful decision, Machi thought, she didn't know the state of the old lady's heart. And although Franklin could be more decent and had better manners than the others, his looks could kill, literally. Especially if he smiled his Frankenstein smile, now that was creepy.
"Who have we have left?" Machi asked already knowing the answer.
"Feitan and Korutopi," Shizuku looked up from the list, "You know, I would have listed Feitan on the top."
Machi said dryly, "I would too but I'm taller than him."
Scenario #3: Korutopi or Feitan
"Aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother Ito, I would like you to meet my fiancé, Korutopi."
"Whaaaat?" the old lady would say, "My great-grandson's paternal cousin's niece is marrying a…a…a Persian rug! No inheritance for you, young lady!"
"Aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother Ito, I would like you to meet my fiancé, Feitan."
"Whaaaat?" the old lady would say, "My great-grandson's paternal cousin's niece is marrying a…a…a shrimp!
SLASH! Old lady dies.
"That's all of them."
"What!" Machi cries out unbelievingly. The stress finally cracking her usually cool composure.
"Well, I suppose you could try Dancho."
Scenario #4: Kuroro Lucifer
"Aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother Ito, I would like you to meet my fiancé, Dan−…erm, Kuroro."
"Why, he's a very handsome young man!" the old lady giggled. "And very fashionable too. Do ask him where he got his lovely coat."
"Ah, well, you see…" Machi's voice trails off. How could she tell the old lady that Kuroro wasn't supposed to speak to the Spider members because the chain guy's nen would kill him? In her confusion, she blurts out, "He won't be able to answer me."
"Whaaaat?" the old lady would say, "My great-grandson's paternal cousin's niece is marrying a…a…a mute! Too bad, he's gorgeous, but still no inheritance for you!"
No good, Machi thought, she might as well have brought Bonorenofu (whom nobody has heard to speak yet). Besides that, if Franklin looked like the monster that came alive because of electricity, Bonorenofu looked like a Pharaoh Neferkuku…after he was embalmed that is.
Shizuku suddenly had an idea, "Matte, how about Dancho's assassin friend, Illumi?"
Scenario #5: Illumi Zoaldyeck
"Aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother Ito, I would like you to meet my fiancé, Illumi."
"I'm very pleased to meet you, madam," Illumi bowed gracefully, his long shiny hair falling in beautiful cascades as he did so.
The old lady stares disbelievingly at Illumi then at Machi then back again at Illumi. "Whaaaat? My great-grandson's paternal cousin's niece's fiancé is prettier than her! Have you no shame, young lady!"
Snap! Machi unconsciously broke the nen threads she was playing with at the thought. It went beyond the bounds of justice in the world that a man like him could be that beautiful. So unfair!
"There's still one," Shizuku said slowly. Machi looked up at her expectantly. "I did wonder why you didn't list His−…"
"Don't say it!" Machi cut her off quickly. "If the others wouldn't pass muster, how would the old lady react to someone legally insane?"
"Oh, but if Hisoka is going to pretend to be your fiancé, then he could also pretend to be normal," Shizuku said with uncharacteristic logic.
"Hello, Machi," a familiar voice came from behind them.
"Oh, great," Machi muttered darkly, "Speaking of the devil's guidance counselor himself."
They both looked up at the owner of the voice and almost gasped in surprise. Hisoka wasn't in his usual clown outfit. His hair was combed back down, he wore no face tattoos or make-up and he was wearing a deep-red three-piece men's suit. All in all, he looked debonair and handsome.
"I heard you were having auditions to become your boyfriend," Hisoka said grinning. Blast those talkative fellow members of hers, Machi thought. "Where should I sign-up?" Hisoka asked while adjusting his tie.
"You dressed up like that for this?" Machi asked disbelievingly.
"Of course," Hisoka said urbanely. Machi just glared at him. "Oh, alright," Hisoka pouted but then he grinned sheepishly, "I just came from a corporate business meeting with a potential client. Then came here to visit. It was quite fortunate too."
Machi was about to tell him to come back after he was mentally stable, which surely wouldn't be anytime soon. But then she looked at him one more time. It was outrageous, her mind protested, but what other choice had she got?
"Eight o'clock next Sunday."
"Eight o'clock next Sunday at La Coste. Don't be late," Machi said coldly. "And be sure to wear something like that." Hisoka just grinned.
"So…you're Machi," the woman across the dining table looked at Machi in an assessing manner.
"Hai…umm…aunt's bro−…" what was that again, Machi thought.
"Please, just call me Rorako," the woman said to her. "After all, our relationship is really very complex."
"Of course, Rorako-sama," Machi acknowledged although her brain was still reeling from the shock of coming face-to-face with the old lady. Actually, what old lady? Instead of the gray-haired and shriveled old woman she had pictured in her scenarios, the woman before her was perfectly preserved.
Thanks to her wealth and the beauty industry, she didn't look at all 95 which was her real age. Her hair was dyed blue-black, her skin was still supple, her face was perfectly made up, and she was dressed in the latest fashion. She didn't look that old…she looked 50.
"By the way, where's your fiancé? I did say I wanted to meet him."
Machi was also thinking about where Hisoka was, she had told him not too be late! Oh well, Machi thought philosophically, now I have a valid reason to wring his neck!
"Hello, darling!" Hisoka greeted in his sing-song voice as he appeared at their table, behind Rorako. "There was a traffic jam so I−…"
Machi interrupted him. "Aunt's brother's cousin's paternal great-grandmother Ito," she said deciding to be very formal, "I would like you to meet my fiancé."
Rorako turned in her seat to look up at Hisoka, "Oh? He's here?"
"I'm very pleas−…"
"WHAAAAT! My great-grandson's paternal cousin's niece is marrying my…my…MY CRAZY EX-LOVER!
Machi could only faint.
A/N: +sigh+ That's it! Hmmm, I'll probably be doing more reviewing than writing in the coming months since classes have already started here. So could I interest anyone in doing a HisokaXMachi romance-type fic? Hehehe… +looks sideways with puppy dog eyes+
Bdw, if you got here, it probably means you read the whole thing, so…umm…please review?