The Battle of Helms Deep…Sorta

A/N: A moving story of the brave souls who fought at Helms Deep. Yeah right! This is a piece of nonsense that hit me while watching The Two Towers and I decided to write it so it would leave me alone.

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. Did I mention it's not mine? Yet. MWAHAHAHAH!

Helms Deep…

Aragorn: Hey dudes did you see that army coming this way?

Théoden: An army? How many?

Aragorn: Like thousands man.

Théoden: Allies?

Aragorn: Totally not.

Théoden: Crap. Oh well, we're at Helms Deep.

Legolas: (polishing up his manicure) Your point?

Théoden: We're invincible!

Gimli: Ho boy.

Aragorn: Did it occur to you that you're really really really outnumbered?

Théoden: Hmm… by George you're right!

Legolas: We're screwed.

Gimli: Extremely.

Théoden: (light bulb appears over head) I've got it! Bring in the little kids who've never held a sword in their life and the old geezers who've got arthritis so bad they can hardly move. That'll even the odds.

Aragorn: Why don't you just call Gondor?

Théoden: I don't need to call Gondor! You're not the boss of me.


Legolas: (watching the kids chase each other around with pointy objects and old people dropping their swords and dentures) I must amend my earlier statement. We're not screwed, we're dead.

Everybody in armory: Gasp! It never occurred to us. AH! We're all gonna die!

Aragorn: Whoa, nice going man.

Legolas: Oops. Sorry.

Aragorn: That's okay dude. We've still got the writers on our side.

Writer: Are you sure about that? MWAHAHAHAHAH!

Aragorn: Okay not good.

Gimli: Like my dress? It's a Rohan Original; I had it made entirely out of the finest chain mail available.

Legolas: It compliments your beard very nicely.

Gimli: Aww (blush)

a little later than the previous later...

Haldir: I'm here to save your sorry butts people!

Aragorn: YIPPIE! Give me a hug!

Haldir: (gag) Whoa when was the last time you showered?

Aragorn: We don't have showers in Middle-Earth.

Haldir: I wish someone would invent them.

still later...

Uruk Hai: Left! Left! Left! Right! Left! HALT!

Legolas: Wow that's a lot of orcs. 1…2…3…4… Hey, would you please hold still!

Gimli: I wanna count orcs too!

Legolas: Well you're to short so HA!

Uruk Hai: CHARGE!

Aragorn: AH! Shoot 'em all! Quick!

(epic battle begins. Men die, elves die, orcs die and no one's happy)

Uruk Hai: Let's smash their door into little tiny bits!

Théoden: Hey they're smashing our door into little tiny bits!

Peter Jackson: I think I want to make a cameo appearance here. Die orc! (kills orc) Hehehe. That was fun.

Théoden: That was weird. OUCH! Stupid orc stabbed me with his pointy stick.

Aragorn: I'll save the day! Come on Gimli!

Gimli: I always wanted to be a hero. Maybe I'll even manage to get a fan girl or two out of the deal.

Fan girls: Dream on.

Aragorn: Incoming dwarf at 3 O' Clock!

Gimli: I can fly!

(Aragorn and Gimli manage to clear the impossible distance to the bridge and kill lots of orcs without getting a scratch)

Théoden: Umm you might want to get out of there.

Aragorn: Oh man, I knew there was a hole in my plan.

Legolas: My turn to be a hero! Here grab the rope and I'll pull you up all by my lonesome while you miraculously don't get hit by any of those arrows.

once again later...

Théoden: AHH! The orcs are coming! The orcs are coming! Run away!

Legolas: Wow I might have a little competition with pointing out the obvious. Hey, watch where you're shooting!

Théoden: WAAAHAAA! We're all gonna die!

Aragorn: I think I've heard that before. Oh well let's go out in a blaze of glory.

Théoden: Okie dokie. Let's go people.

Rohirrim: No way we're going out there.

(Gimli blows horn that sounds like someone is farting)

Rohirrim: EWW! RUN!

Legolas: I guess that works.

Aragorn: HI GANDALF!

Gandalf: Hi boys. I'm back.

Eomer: (huff) I'm gone for 5 minutes and HE goes and takes everyone on kamikaze mission.

Gandalf: CHARGE!

Uruk Hai: Come to papa!

(sun comes out and blinds them)

Aragorn: Sweet.

Uruk Hai: Our eyes!

Gandalf: Oh, am I bad or am I bad?

Uruk Hai: That's cheating!


Uruk Hai: Run away! Let's go into the creepy forest that wasn't there last night.

Legolas: Bad move.

(trees eat all the orcs)

Trees: BURP! Yum.

Aragorn: Whoa dude, did we like actually win?

Gandalf: Of course we won. We've still got to appear in the third part you know.

Aragorn: Oh yeah.

Theoden: Hey, I've got my mojo back!

Aragorn: Good for you.


Anybody wanna tell me what you thought? Please?