The Battle of Helms Deep…Sorta
A/N: A moving story of the brave souls who fought at Helms Deep. Yeah right! This is a piece of nonsense that hit me while watching The Two Towers and I decided to write it so it would leave me alone.
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. Did I mention it's not mine? Yet. MWAHAHAHAH!
Aragorn: Hey dudes did you see that army coming this way?
Théoden: An army? How many?
Aragorn: Like thousands man.
Aragorn: Totally not.
Théoden: Crap. Oh well, we're at Helms Deep.
Legolas: (polishing up his manicure) Your point?
Théoden: We're invincible!
Gimli: Ho boy.
Aragorn: Did it occur to you that you're really really really outnumbered?
Théoden: Hmm… by George you're right!
Legolas: We're screwed.
Théoden: (light bulb appears over head) I've got it! Bring in the little kids who've never held a sword in their life and the old geezers who've got arthritis so bad they can hardly move. That'll even the odds.
Aragorn: Why don't you just call Gondor?
Théoden: I don't need to call Gondor! You're not the boss of me.
Legolas: (watching the kids chase each other around with pointy objects and old people dropping their swords and dentures) I must amend my earlier statement. We're not screwed, we're dead.
Everybody in armory: Gasp! It never occurred to us. AH! We're all gonna die!
Aragorn: Whoa, nice going man.
Legolas: Oops. Sorry.
Aragorn: That's okay dude. We've still got the writers on our side.
Writer: Are you sure about that? MWAHAHAHAHAH!
Aragorn: Okay not good.
Gimli: Like my dress? It's a Rohan Original; I had it made entirely out of the finest chain mail available.
Legolas: It compliments your beard very nicely.
Gimli: Aww (blush)
a little later than the previous later...
Haldir: I'm here to save your sorry butts people!
Aragorn: YIPPIE! Give me a hug!
Haldir: (gag) Whoa when was the last time you showered?
Aragorn: We don't have showers in Middle-Earth.
Haldir: I wish someone would invent them.
Uruk Hai: Left! Left! Left! Right! Left! HALT!
Legolas: Wow that's a lot of orcs. 1…2…3…4… Hey, would you please hold still!
Gimli: I wanna count orcs too!
Legolas: Well you're to short so HA!
Uruk Hai: CHARGE!
Aragorn: AH! Shoot 'em all! Quick!
(epic battle begins. Men die, elves die, orcs die and no one's happy)
Uruk Hai: Let's smash their door into little tiny bits!
Théoden: Hey they're smashing our door into little tiny bits!
Peter Jackson: I think I want to make a cameo appearance here. Die orc! (kills orc) Hehehe. That was fun.
Théoden: That was weird. OUCH! Stupid orc stabbed me with his pointy stick.
Aragorn: I'll save the day! Come on Gimli!
Gimli: I always wanted to be a hero. Maybe I'll even manage to get a fan girl or two out of the deal.
Fan girls: Dream on.
Aragorn: Incoming dwarf at 3 O' Clock!
Gimli: I can fly!
(Aragorn and Gimli manage to clear the impossible distance to the bridge and kill lots of orcs without getting a scratch)
Théoden: Umm you might want to get out of there.
Aragorn: Oh man, I knew there was a hole in my plan.
Legolas: My turn to be a hero! Here grab the rope and I'll pull you up all by my lonesome while you miraculously don't get hit by any of those arrows.
once again later...
Théoden: AHH! The orcs are coming! The orcs are coming! Run away!
Legolas: Wow I might have a little competition with pointing out the obvious. Hey, watch where you're shooting!
Théoden: WAAAHAAA! We're all gonna die!
Aragorn: I think I've heard that before. Oh well let's go out in a blaze of glory.
Théoden: Okie dokie. Let's go people.
Rohirrim: No way we're going out there.
(Gimli blows horn that sounds like someone is farting)
Rohirrim: EWW! RUN!
Legolas: I guess that works.
Aragorn: HI GANDALF!
Gandalf: Hi boys. I'm back.
Eomer: (huff) I'm gone for 5 minutes and HE goes and takes everyone on kamikaze mission.
Uruk Hai: Come to papa!
(sun comes out and blinds them)
Uruk Hai: Our eyes!
Gandalf: Oh, am I bad or am I bad?
Uruk Hai: That's cheating!
Uruk Hai: Run away! Let's go into the creepy forest that wasn't there last night.
Legolas: Bad move.
(trees eat all the orcs)
Trees: BURP! Yum.
Aragorn: Whoa dude, did we like actually win?
Gandalf: Of course we won. We've still got to appear in the third part you know.
Aragorn: Oh yeah.
Theoden: Hey, I've got my mojo back!
Aragorn: Good for you.
Anybody wanna tell me what you thought? Please?