That's So Raven fanfiction

Dear journal,

Ohhhh, snap, journal! It's me, Ray. Yeah, I know I haven't jammed at you in a few months. Life has NOT been good. Ohhhh, journal. What goes on behind the scenes is a messy messy sight. You may have heard that my mother went to law school, and my father's Chill Grill restaurant is doing well. His new Chill Grill burgers, his own recipe, are world renowned. People are dying to know what the ingredients are…Well, journal, I'm going to tell you. Let me start from the beginning. Complete with audience laughtrack! Ohhh, snap!

"Yo, Chealsea! Girl, how you been? Mmmgmm low mutters, sways body around crazily

-audience laughs-

"Oh, hey, Ray. I'm fine. I'm just getting ready for my date with Eddie…"

-audience says ooooohhhhh!-

"Bitch, what? I mean….Eddie? OUR Eddie? My main squeeze? My hotdog eating partner at cooney island? The guy who gave me my first erotic spanking? Eddie?" Raven puts her hands on her hips and mumbles "mmhmm" a few times before realizing Chelsea and Eddie are walking away together, toward the Chill Grill, which is conveniently located inside the school.

-That stupid music plays. You know, the music that plays when a new scene starts. Raven's at the Chill Grill, eating a giant plate of ribs, only taking breaks to say "ohhh, snap!" every few minutes-

Raven's father and mother are fighting about Raven's exceeding waistline and lack of erotic spanking partners. Raven stops chomping on ribs for a second and eavesdrops on her parentals. Also, they're standing about 10 feet from Raven, so it was hard NOT to hear.

"She's getting fat from your Chill Grill crap, and you don't even CARE! Eddie dumped her ass because she'd rather chomp on the meat here instead of chomping on some OTHER type of meat if you KNOW what I mean!"

"You never chomp on MY meat, Tonya!"

Raven screamed "ohhh, snap!" and threw a rib at her mother's head.

Tonya's dreadlocks untangled, because she was so angry, and the bodyheat she was generating caused her dreadlocks to untangle and her face to glow a healthy firetruck red. Without saying a word, she stormed out of the chill grill.

"Bitch didn't leave a tip!" Raven's dad said.

-audience laughs-

-that stupid music plays-

Tonya's upstairs in her bedroom, laughing menacingly while burning all of her wedding photos


"Mrs. Baxter?"

Tonya swung around, only to be greeted by that stupid white kid Corey hangs out with.


"Well, I've just been in Corey's room, and I couldn't help but notice your burning a bunch of photographs and the blood stained bedroom walls. And the dead squirrels in your hair.


"Well, I also noticed that machete you used to kill the squirrels. Can I borrow it for show and tell at my NRA meeting tomorrow?"

Tonya threw a dead squirrel at that kid's head, and he ran. All the way to the CHILL GRILL!

-audience laughs nervously-

White boy arrives at the Chill Grill just as Raven finishes saying "ohhh, snap!" for the millionth time this hour.

"Guys. Mrs. Baxter is sacrificing squirrels and burning photos! AND SHE DIDN'T PUT A FABRIC SOFTENER IN THE DRYER!"

"nooooo! My underwear was in the dryer!" Raven's dad screeches, while eating a pile of ribs.

The crew storm out of the Chill Grill and into their house, which conveniently is located mere feet from the school.

The gang enter the house just as Tonya is about to throw out a bunch of frozen ribs.

"nooooooooo!" Raven screams, causing Tonya to drop the ribs.

Tonya glares into her husband's eyes. She picks up the ribs.

"THIS..THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT, RIGHT? Your precious Chill Grill. What kind of STUPID name for a restaurant is that? You spend all day chomping on ribs with raven and her fat friends! Well you know what? I'm out of here. I never want to see you fatties again! I'm going to London to live on a farm with a bunch of vegans. BYE FOREVER!"

-audience gasps-

So journal, you still there? Yeah, so my mom didn't go to law school. She went off to some farm with ribs-haters! Ohhhh, snap!