King of the Hill

A Bill & Boomhauer Episode

Falling in Love is Such a Queasy Thing to Do

Act I

Scene I – Love is in the Air

At the movies, Bobby and Maria are watching a thriller flick.

Bobby: "Maria, I don't know if I can handle this."

Maria: "Relax, Bobby. I've seen this twelve times already. It's not that scary."

Bobby (nervously): "Okay…"

A monster roars on the screen; somebody screams.

Bobby flinches and tilts his head towards Maria's shoulder. Maria holds her arm around Bobby and kisses him on the forehead.

Dooley: "Your date is a coward."

On that nice afternoon, Joseph is spending time at Connie's house. The two are watching television together on the living room couch. Connie is resting her feet on Joseph's lap.

Joseph: "This movie is cool. What is it called again?"

Connie: "Lord of the Flies."

Joseph: "Is it based from a true story?"

Connie: "No. It's based from a novel written by William Golding."

"Joseph, don't take this personally, but you don't seem to know much about modern literature."

Joseph: "There's no shame in it, dude. There's nothing books can't teach us that are already in movies, or the History Channel."

Connie: "Joseph, promise me someday you'll join a book club, or at least start going to a book store."

Joseph: "Uh, I don't know…"

Connie turns Joseph's head to her face with her foot.

Connie: "Promise me, Joseph."

Joseph: "Okay, I promise I'll try it…someday." (brief pause)

Connie: "Come here…"

Connie pulls Joseph towards her, wraps her arms and legs around Joseph, and kisses him.

At the Gribbles' residence, Dale enters the bedroom.

Nancy (seductively) : "Hey Sug…"

Dale: "Hey Nancy. What's new?"

Nancy: "These linen sheets. They had a sale at Bed Bath and Beyond and I couldn't resist."

Dale: "Of course not. Bed Bath and Beyond's got a clean record when it comes to silverware, though I've been more of a gray man myself."

Nancy: "Take me now, Sug!"

Nancy pulls Dale onto the bed, and the two immediately start making out.

At Boomhauer's residence, a woman is cooking in the kitchen. Boomhauer joins her.

Boomhauer: "Yo, what'cya cookin' there?"

Joanne: "Fried potatoes."

Boomhauer: "Talkin' 'bout puttin' in some corned beef with that?"

Joanne: "Plenty of it."

The two kiss each other.

At the Hills' residence, Lucky is out on the front porch enjoying the nice weather. Luanne's car pulls into the driveway.

Luanne: "Hey Lucky! I'm back from work!"

Lucky: "Hey there, Baby Girl!"

Luanne: "Today was pay day, and Mr. Jack gave me a raise for servicing his nephew. He owns the optometrist he goes to!"

Lucky: "How's about we put that money to something useful? Say, a day at the beach?"

Luanne: "It'll be my pleasure."

The two start kissing, as observed from inside the Hills' home.

Hank: "Looks like the two are celebrating another great day at Jack's Barber."

Peggy: "Aw Hank, remember when we used to cuddle whenever we saw each other?"

Hank: "Yeah, well uh…"

Peggy: "Come on, Hank. I'll put the secret spice in my Peggy Pork chops tonight."

Hank: "Any chance of you letting me in on the 'secret'?"

Peggy: "You know if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore."

The two start making out on the couch.

Outside the window, Kahn and Minh are in the kitchen making out, too.

Minh: "Mmm…your breath smell winter fresh today."

Kahn: "Sure. I guest of honor at Laotian Community Banquet tomorrow."

As the two continue kissing, Ladybird is outside happily sharing a bone with Doggie. Doggie starts licking Ladybird.

The dogs are seen from a nearby window.

Bill Dautrieve, who had been home from another rough day at work, lets out a long sigh as he's sucking the spoon from his bucket of ice cream.

Scene II – Melancholy Moment

On a typical evening, Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer assemble in the alley.

Hank: "Yep."

Dale: "Yep."

Boomhauer: "Mm-hmm."

Bill (sighs): "Do you guys ever feel that something is missing?"

The men try to avoid answering his question.

Bill: "I mean like that thing where everyday is better than the last. Something that gives you a reason to exist."

Hank (passively): "We've all had troubles."

Bill: "I really miss Lenore. If only I could get a whiff of her almond-brown hair once more…"

Dale: "Bill, get over it! You're always whining about how miserable your life is. Besides, Lenore wasn't worth marrying in the first place."

Bill: "But it's just not fair! I mean, look at Luanne! She's had unfaithful boyfriends before, and now she's happily married to Lucky!"

Luanne and Lucky are standing outside the Hills' residence, making out.

Hank: "One day at a time, Bill. One day at a time."

Bill: "I'm the only one on Rainey Street without a mate. I can't let myself life like this anymore! It's time for change!"

Bill walks off to his house and shuts the door.

A moment of silence.

Dale: "You know I ate a robin's egg once. Blue eggs aren't very appetizing."

Scene III – Game Night

That night, Bill is getting into his pajamas. After settling into bed, he takes the time to look at some of his photo albums. He sees some of himself as an army barber, and a few with Hank, Dale, and/or Boomhauer.

Then, he sees many pictures with Lenore. Some pictures were happy, and others weren't so happy. Either way, it felt like something was missing in Bill's life.

He then sees the Hills' house. Hank, Peggy, Bobby, Luanne, and Lucky were all playing a game of Uno. They were having a wonderful time.

After a couple minutes, the doorbell rings. Hank answers.

Hank: "Bill?"

Bill: "Hey, Hank. What'cya doin'?"

Hank: "We're in the middle of an Uno game."

Bill: "Do you mind if I play?"

Hank: "Uh…" He sees Bill's sad eyes.

Lucky: "Come on, Uncle Hank. It's your turn."

Hank (sighs): "Alright."

Bill: "Yay! You and me having fun together, just like in high school."

Hank chuckles uneasily.

Hank: "Sure. But before you begin, I suggest getting a bottle of mouthwash…fast!"

As Bill trots off to the bathroom, Hank covers his nose, and tries to wave out that awful smell of macaroni and cheese.

Soon, the family begins the next round of Uno with Bill.

Peggy: "Okay, who's next?"

Lucky: "That'd be me."

The card faced up is Green 5. Lucky puts down a Yellow 5.

Hank puts down a Yellow 6.

Bobby puts down a Red 6.

Luanne puts down a Wild Card.

Bill (shouts):"Oh boy! What's the Wild Card for? Is it like football?"

Peggy: "Bill, please. We are trying to concentrate."

Bill: "Oh, I'm sorry."

Peggy puts down a Blue 1.

Peggy: "Uno! Ho yeah!"

Bill (laughing): "She said 'Ho yeah!'. That's so precious!"

Everyone cringes as Bill continues laughing.

Hank: "Um, anyway, Peggy is the winner…again."

Bobby: "I knew I should've put down a Blue 6."

Hank: "Bill, how would you like to shuffle the cards?"

Bill: "Okay, Hank."

Peggy (whispering): "Hank, do you really think this is a good idea?"

Hank: "They're just cards. I'm just trying to give the guy some confidence."

Hank hands Bill the stack of cards. When shuffling, he accidentally spills the cards all over the floor.

Peggy gives Hank an angry look.

Bill: "Oh, that was stupid. I'll pick it all up."

He picks up the cards.

Bill: "Oh and Hank, if you're looking for your 15-inch wrench, I borrowed it."

Hank (mumbling): "And I needed that to fix my car. Dangit!"

Bobby: "Dad, I'm missing my new radio I just bought last week."

While Bill picks up the last of the cards, he farts.

Everyone starts gasping, moaning, whining, or covering their noses.

Bill: "Okay, here's the cards! (he notices everybody in distress)

Why's everybody covering their noses? Did Ladybird let one?"

Hank: "That rips it! Bill, get the hell out of my house!"

Bill starts stuttering. Hank nudges him out the door.

Hank: "I know we go back to high school, but you're a grown man. It's time for you to get your own gotdang life!

And stay the hell away from my wife! Don't think I don't see you peeking around."

Bill: "But—" The door slams.

Bill walks away dejectedly as Hank starts spraying the living room with aerosol.

Scene IV – Boomhauer's Enlistment

The next day after work, Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer assemble in the alley.

When Bill walks out the front door, he sees the men, and walks over to join them.

Hank points his finger back to Bill's house. Bill walks back in, and shuts the door.

Hank: "Something's got to be done. Bill hasn't been the same since joining the army. His marriage to Lenore only made things worse."

Dale: "Maybe we should've let him go peacefully when he wanted to before."

Hank: "Dale, he's our friend. Friends help each other."

Dale: "You're right, Hank! Think of all the times I've helped you."

Hank and Boomhauer stare collectively at Dale. Dale walks away remorsefully.

Hank: "Boomhauer, you've always had a successful bachelor's life. Maybe you could give Bill some advice on being happy."

Boomhauer: "I tell ya, I dunno, man. That dang ol' Bill's the one who dun' raided my fridge last time and even soil my bathroom. Tell ya, took me hours to unclog my toilet, man."

Hank: "Bill's done stupid things to all of us. It's a cry for help.

If anyone can teach him how to become a better person, it's you."

Boomhauer pauses.

Boomhauer: "Uh…okay. But if he stayin' over, gotta remember to lock my fridge, man."

Bill is rummaging thru his refrigerator, which is almost empty. He looks into his wallet, and has no money.

Bill: "Hmm…maybe I could borrow some of Boomhauer's food…"

(end of Act I)