King of the Hill

A Bill & Boomhauer Episode

Falling in Love is Such a Queasy Thing to Do


Scene I – Boomhauer's Problem

Boomhauer is lying on a couch.

Boomhauer: "I..I just don't understand. I've been the dang ol' ladies' man of Arlen since '87. And now it's all taken away from me. What should I do, man?"

Lucky: "I wouldn't worry about it."

The scene is revealed to be the Hills' living room couch in lieu of a psychologist's office.

Lucky: "Bill sounds like the kind of feller who needed all the help he could get. As far as I'm concerned, his prophecy has been fulfilled."

Boomhauer: "Yeah, I guess so…unless… dang ol' remind Bill of who he was before. Then I'll be getting' the girls again, yo."

Lucky: "Now don't do that. Take it from me, Mr. Boomhauer; sometimes, change is a good thing."

Boomhauer: "Yeah, but not if it makes me look bad, man.

Just don't tell Hank nuttin' 'bout this, otherwise we'll have to listen to 'I'm right, you're wrong', yadda-yadda. Need to handle things for ourselves sometimes, man."

Lucky: "I can't fully grasp your motivation, Mr. Boomhauer. But just out of common courtesy, I won't tell Uncle Hank."

Hank (from the kitchen): "Tell me what? Sounds like someone's in trouble I tell you what."

Boomhauer: "Uh-oh.."

Boomhauer jumps off the couch and leaves quickly.

Scene II – Temptation

Bill and Boomhauer are out on Bill's front porch as Bill prepares to leave.

Bill: "Well, Boomhauer. I'm off to the nightclub. My new date is waiting."

Boomhauer: "Yo dang ol' have a nice time, man."

Boomhauer takes out a big bag of BBQ potato chips.

Bill (gasps): "Boomhauer! What are you doing?"

Boomhauer: "Yo, man I thought I could have a li'l ol' snack before we head out, yo."

Bill: "If you were hungry, I still have food in the kitchen. And I thought we specifically agreed on no more junk food!"

Boomhauer tempts Bill by opening the bag slowly, and inhaling the smell of the chips. As Bill tries to ignore him, Boomhauer pulls out a large, crispy chip, and slowly begins to chew on it.

Bill (sighs): "I don't have time for this. I'm going to be late.

To think, Iused to raid his refridgerator."

Boomhauer gives up, and just throws the bag in the trash can as he walks away.

Boomhauer (mumbling): "Mm, dang ol' always fill the bag halfway wit' air…"

No sooner than Bill drives off to the lounge and Boomhauer goes home, Ladybird and Doggie walk away from their homes. They run over to the trash can on Bill's lawn, and tip it over. Potato chips spill all over, and the two dogs start feeding on the snack.

At the lounge, Bill is watching women walk by him, while he thinks to himself.

Bill (muttering): "Stupid Boomhauer and his damn potato chips…"

Bill samples some walnuts on the table, but they taste terrible.

He starts to remember something again…

On Christmas Eve, Bill walks into his front door, with some gifts.

Bill: "Hey, Lenore! I thought we could open some of our Christmas presents a little early."

He sees Lenore on the couch in the arms of another man. The man is muching on some cracked walnuts.

Lenore: "Oh, you're back already? Have you met my new boyfriend?"

Sam: "I already got the girl her gifts." (the two start snuggling)

Bill: "Lenore, I go out on a limb to give us a jolly time, and this is how you repay me?"

Lenore: "Oh Bill, it's not always about you. What about my needs?"

The confrontation quickly erupts into a loud argument that could be heard all throughout the neighborhood on that dark, terrible evening.

Lenore: "…and another thing, you still didn't pay me for the manicure I had to get last weekend! And goddammit, I already told you we weren't doing anything special this week!"

Bill: "But…but Lenore…this is the holidays. Why are you seeing other people on the night before the birth of Our Lord Savior?"

Lenore: "Billy dear, we're through."

Bill drops all of his gifts, and starts wailing.

Sam: "My dog can sing a better symphony than that."

Later, a divorce paper is handed down. The signature for Lenore Johnson, and William Dauterive are written on the bottom. Lenore forges Bill's signature with a devious smile. She walks away with Sam, never to be seen in Arlen again…

Bill stops daydreaming and wakes up with a very sick feeling in his gut. He can't tell whether it's from hunger or anguish.

Suddenly, he sees a large bowl of salt and vinegar chips across from the table. He tries to ignore it as a woman walks over.

Valerie: "Hi, handsome. I'm Valerie, or Valley for short."

Bill looks at the woman, but keeps doubling back between her and the bowl of chips.

Two men walk over, and start eating the chips. Bill smacks his lips.

Valerie: "So what's your name?"

Bill sweats and starts quivering.

Bill: "I'm…I'm…"

"I'M HUNGRY!" (zips over to the bowl)

Valerie (to herself): "Hungry? I have a cousin who was just there last week."

Bill pushes the two guys aside, and starts gobbling up the bowl of potato chips.

The music stops, and every stares at Bill, who for weeks had changed his image for the better, but had now suddenly fallen back into his old habits again.

Bill (sheepishly): "Um, there's enough chips for everyone?" (lets out a large belch)

Scene III – Relapse

Meanwhile, back at Boomhauer's house, The Beatles' "Yesterday" plays while he's lying in bed staring at the ceiling. A woman is lying next to him, not sure of what's going on.

Tracey: "Jefferson, what's wrong? You seem distracted."

Boomhauer: "Mmm…I dunno, Tracey. Can't seem to think straight."

Tracey: "You should talk to William."

Boomhauer: "Who?"

Tracey: "They call him Bill. He's a pretty balanced guy."

Boomhauer turns the cheek and hides under the covers.

Tracey: "Aww…You're upset because your friend is making you look bad?"

Boomhauer (mumbling): "…Dang ol' teach him how to get chics…(mumbles)…steal my thunder."

Tracey: "Jefferson, I think it's great that you helped your friend out. We all need self-improvement in some form. Besides, I don't want William…I want you."

Boomhauer re-emerges from the sheets. Tracey snuggles beside Boomhauer's chest.

Tracey (sighs softly) : "Do you use Lubriderm?"

Boomhauer: "Yep."

The two sink under the covers and start making out…

Two hours later, Tracey gets ready to go home. She kisses Boomhauer as she walks out the front door.

Tracey: "Good-bye, Jefferson."

Boomhauer waves good-bye. Tracey drives off in her car.

A short time later, Bill's car drives into his driveway and knocks over a trash can. Boomhauer walks over as Bill stumbles out of the car.

Bill emerges babbling loudly. His clothes are stained with grease, and he has several bruises, including a black eye.

Boomhauer: "Yo, Bill. What dang ol' happened, man?"

Bill (drunkenly): "Oh…you'd like to know what happened to poor ol' Bill, wouldn't ya, Boomhoser!" (cries out loud)

"I cou-couldn't get this women I liked, cause-because I had bad breath. She hates guys with halyo-, uh, helio-, uh,hagitysis…But make no mistake 'bout it; she had huge cans, I'm talking like…thiiiiiiis big!" (stumbles)

"Anyway, I was feeling poor, like I am, and, and I gave in. I couldn't get nobody's attention, so's after I finished my tatter chips, I tried to French-kiss this broad with a huge ass…then one broad lead to anudder…and anudder…and anudder…"

"Now here I am…alone, with no one…no one with me now…no one."

Bill vomits all over his driveway and topples onto his front lawn.

Bill: "Nighty-night…" (snores loudly)

Boomhauer lowers his head in shame.

Scene IV – Apology

Three days later, Hank, Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale are sipping beer in the alley again. Bill had stopped attending the gymnasium for a while, but still had big muscles…

Boomhauer: "Yo, Bill. Dang ol' sorry for getting jealous. Talkin' 'bout me who made you who you became in first place, yo."

Bill: "I'm sorry for being more than I actually was. You're the kind of guy who likes going out with multiple women. Most of us prefer to have one."

Hank & Dale: "Amen!"

Bill (sighs): "Maybe I just wasn't meant to have women. Maybe my life is better than I think it is."

The men share a solemn moment as they look off into the distance…

Scene V – Life Goes On

The next day, Boomhauer finishes lifting weights at the Gymnasium. He walks off to the food counter. He's joined by Lee.

Lee: "Hey there, Boomhauer! Where's your friend?"

Boomhauer: "Mmm.. dang ol' decided to give up on his new lifestyle."

Lee: "What? But why? Did he mess up somewhere? Something I can help him with?"

Boomhauer: "Naw, he did fine wit' the ladies…"

Lee: "Oh, I know. I've seen his progress over the past month or so. He's even been doing better than you."

Boomhauer has a stern look on his face.

Boomhauer: "Anyway, he could only take so much dang pressure for so long. I guess it's partially my fault for gettin' jealous, yo. Took him there in the first place." (starts to feel repentant)

Lee: "That really sucks.

But you know, Bill did his best, and his new lifestyle was in no way a failure. And I commend you for making a better tomorrow for your buddy.

I guess when it gets right down to it, you just have to be yourself."

Boomhauer and Lee sit silently for a while eating sandwiches.

Lee (mumbles): "This meat could've used more salt."

Scene VI – Bill's Confession

A few days later, Bill goes to church in private. He asks Reverend Stroup what he can do to redeem his sins.

Stroup: "Well Bill, that's quite a story. You do know you're technically supposed to wait until you're married before you can lose your virginity?"

Bill: "That's what I was raised to believe. That's why I've doubled between Methodism and Catholicism for the past 15 years."

Stroup: "Christianity has a lot of aspects we don't understand. We have to take the words of faith with a grain of salt."

Bill: "You know, it's weird. I had a nasty divorce with my wife in 1991, and since then, my life has practically gone to hell. There were days when I believed there was no God at all. But somewhere among the thoughts of despair, a little voice has always told me, 'Hang in there.'"

Stroup: "Don't feel too bad, Bill. I've been in the presence of people much worse off than you. Many just roll over and die. You…you never give up."

Bill gazed into Stroup's eyes.

Stroup gazed into Bill's eyes.

Stroup leaned over the desk and kissed Bill on the cheek.

Stroup (whispers): "Let's keep that between us."

Bill: "Well, I better be going." (walks to the door)

Stroup: "Bill?"

Bill looks back.

Stroup: "How about we continue this discussion at my house…over a cup of ice cream?"

Bill smiles.

Bill: "It's a date."

Bill exits Reverend Stroup's office.

Reverend Stroup leans back in her chair.

Stroup: "One day at a time…"

(end of Act III)

The End