Title: The Oedipus Complex
Summary: "If something stays still long enough… Kenny will have sex with it."
After being dared to seduce the whorish Liane Cartman, our favourite hooded pervert Kenny learns that he and Cartman's Mom may not be so different after all. At the same time, Cartman is being torn between fighting for a university place and his mother's honour.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, especially not South Park. Please don't sue me. I have nothing to give.
Shout out: A big thank you to Rez aka x-Blackrose-x for her drawings on deviant art. I'm not sure if she has a fanfiction account but her rezzed-up drawings helped inspire this story. Thank you
This story is full of adult material and some swearing. Take care when reading.
As usual; it was all Butters fault.
All of the boys from the junior class at Middle Park High, especially those that had went to South Park Elementary, were sitting on the bleachers during recess, idly chatting about breasts. Someone at some point (it might have been Craig) made a comment about how Sharon Marsh's breasts were not as pert as once they were. Sharon's son was highly offended by the remark and was barely able to stop himself from defending his mother's breasts. A few of the boys disagreed, saying that they still wouldn't mind sucking her tits.
At that comment Sharon's son began throwing up over the side.
In the resulting argument, the little shy blonde piped up that he had always liked Liane Cartman's boobs best of all. They were not too big, they were not too small, the nipples did not point up like fake boobs, nor did they seem as round as implants. They were just nice, natural boobs.
Everyone turned around to gape at Leopold 'Butters' Stotch, asking how they hell did he know about the boobs of the biggest whore South Park had ever seen. He explained to them in his usual nervous manner, rubbing his knuckles together and stuttering, that he had seen them the last time had went around to Eric's house. Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick had been plotting to stink bomb the girls' showers after gym class, hoping that it would result in the girls escaping from the smell only half dressed or clad only in towels. Kenny took part in the project for obvious reasons; half naked chicks. Cartman was only interested in seeing one girl, Wendy Testaburger, to humiliate her and secretly to get a better view of her anatomy.
The boys had enlisted Butters help since Butters was used to dressing up like a girl (not by choice of course). Stotch would have planted the bomb, done up to the nines in mascara and lipstick and escaped unnoticed. The plan might have actually worked if Wendy Testaburger had not recognised him and threw a hissy fit, literally kicking him out of the girls' locker room. The girl then burst into the guys changing area to slap and scream at as many of the conspirators as possible. Cartman ended up a great big hand mark on his cheek, standing there only in his jeans while Butters hid from Wendy.
But while he was getting done up, Kenny accidentally jabbed the mascara in Butters eye and the shy young man ran screaming into Cartman's bathroom. He did not realise that Liane was in the shower. Mrs Cartman never locked the bathroom door. Butters almost ran back out again, shouting his apologises but Liane had stopped him. She came out of the shower, drops of water still glistening on her naked skin and she quickly hushed the screaming adolescent. In her kind, motherly way, she helped him get rid of the mascara in his eye, using special liquid soaps and water.
Relating this story to his peers, Butters blushed just a little, saying that Liane was ever so pretty. He temporarily forgot that that woman was twice his age, a whore and most importantly he forgot that her son was sitting right behind him, getting angrier by the second. Cartman, unable to stand the idea of someone like Butters seeing his mother naked, could not control his rage and gave Butters quite a beating. The poor boy was barely able to escape from the homicidal, neo-Nazi and he left the boys with a black eye and a concussion, blood dripping from his nose onto his shirt.
"I think you killed him," Kenny said, sounding rather amused. He found Cartman's fits of rage hysterically funny, even though he himself had been at the mercy of the Fatass's fists before as well.
"There was no need for that Cartman! He's going to have to go the nurse now, fat ass," Kyle Broflovski got up from his seat to run after poor Butters.
Cartman watched him go, narrowing his eyes dangerously, "No one talks about my Mom that way! Especially not that faggy little asshole!"
It was rather difficult for Eric Cartman. Not only was he slightly obese, but his mother probably had had sex with every adult in the little mountain town of South Park, Colorado. Twice.
"He had a point Cartman," Craig smirked, "Your Mom is like a rite of passage in our town. You're not an adult if you haven't had a little of Liane lovin'."
"You sound just like Chef," Stan laughed, while Cartman's face got redder and redder, "Though I bet a little bit of Liane lovin' would do everyone the world of good."
"You guys….seriously!" Cartman seethed through clenched teeth, "Don't you guys talk about my Mom! She's ten times better than the lot of you."
"T-t-ten times better at-at-at what Cartman?" Jimmy sputtered but before he could make a joke about exactly how Liane was ten times better than anyone else, Eric Cartman let out a roar of frustration and jumped away from the bleachers. He stomped away in a temper, his footsteps almost shaking the ground.
"You know, I expected a lot worse for a moment there, I thought he was going to kill us all" Token sighed, thinking of Liane's breasts and the son that would stop the whole world from getting anywhere near them.
"Yeah but his Mom is like a touchy subject to him," Stan told him, "He doesn't like to face the fact his Mom is a total whore."
"You know what I heard?" Clyde looked around at the boys, hushing his voice in case a certain overweight someone happened to appear again. "I heard that Cartman's Mom is like… a hermaphrodite or something. She has a vagina and a dick…"
"Yeah she is," Stan interrupted, leaning back on the benches, top of his head resting on the bleacher behind him. "His Mom is actually his Dad. He has no idea who his Mom is."
The group seemed to take a few seconds to take this idea in.
"But how is she a woman if she is his dad?" Clyde asked.
"I think she has more female hormones or something. Not that it really matters. It doesn't seem to affect her sex life at all."
"Yeah," Craig smirked at Stan and Kenny "I always seem to see Mr Mackey coming out of Cartman's house. Kinda amazing that a chick with a dick can still get Mr Mmm-kay going. He must have a boner for her."
"D-does she still have a d….. Does she still have a di… Does she still have d-d-dick?" Jimmy spat out.
"I … don't know," Stan replied.
"Man, Butters could have given us more details if Cartman hadn't just given him brain damage," Clyde muttered.
For the time being there was a little more respect for Butters; he was the only boy to see Liane Cartman naked up close rather than in some crack whore magazine. It was common for Cartman to find naked pictures of his mother from such magazines stuck to the front of his locker, but being such a good BFF Kenny would get rid of these pictures. He had secretly built up quite a collection of Liane porn and if he looked beyond his next hard-on he might have begun to realise he actually had a little crush on her.
Thinking back on his collection, Kenny spoke, "No, I don't think she has a dick anymore. I think she had, like, a vaginaplasty or something."
"That would explain Mr Mackey's regular visits," Craig said, "But we should get someone to find out because there's a big chance that we could one day do be doing her as well."
"Yeah but who do we get to find out?" Stan asked, "We can't ask Cartman because one, its sick, and two, he'll kick the crap out of us for asking."
"Someone would need to hide in a wardrobe or something," Token said, his eyes flicking of their own accord in Kenny's direction.
"What sort of pervert would hide in a wardrobe?" Clyde asked but his mind answered his question for him and he too turned to look at Kenny.
Stan smirked and he too looked at the hooded blonde. Kenny meanwhile was caught up thinking about his porn collection; his mind chronicling and separating porn by content, actor and length. From threesomes to S&M, Kenny had it all, stashed under his bed. It was only when his mind registered all the smirks from every direction that Kenny broke out of his lustful daydreams.
"What you looking at me for?"
"We need a pervert and you're quite simply perfect for the position," Craig told him.
"Erm….one, I don't know what you're talking about, and two, I'm not a pervert!" Kenny tried to defend himself.
"No, you're a sex-crazed, randy little asshole," Stan slipped his arm around Kenny's shoulders with a smile, "But don't worry dude, we understand, it's a condition."
"I'm not a pervert," Kenny muttered, shrugging Stan's arm away, "And why are you lot picking on me anyway?"
"We need someone to find out for us whether or not Cartman's Mom still has a penis," Stan explained.
"Weren't you listening, dude?" Clyde groaned.
"No, I had better things to think about."
"Well you do agree that at some point in our lives we will have sex with Cartman's Mom," Stan said, "and a couple of the guys don't like the idea of doing it with someone who has a penis."
"Yeah, I'm not gay. Gah!" Tweek pulled at his hair at the very idea.
"Bunch of douche bags, you're all too closed minded," Kenny glared at everyone. He had accepted a long time ago that he was bi-sexual and had jacked off thinking about some of the boys in his class before. When he told his best friends about it Kyle had joked that Kenny was just being selfish. It was unfair that Kenny could have every girl he wanted without having to take the guys as well.
"Now listen Kenny," Stan spoke softly to his friend," You are the only man for this job. Cartman will most likely kill anyone he finds trying to get close to his Mom..."
"And that isn't exactly a problem for you!" Craig interrupted.
"Shut up you douche!" Stan snapped at Craig before turning back to Kenny. Craig flipped him off behind his back. "Cartman would kill one of us for being friendly with Liane. As his BFF you can get close to her without him thinking too much about it."
"You need to bring back photographic evidence as well Kenny," Token told him."
"Nuh uh, "Kenny withdrew his face further in his hood. His voice was muffled and the boys had to listen closely to understand him. "No fucking way am I spying on Liane."
"Come on Kenny," Craig frowned, "You're the biggest man-whore in all of Park County."
"You've practically had sex with every girl in our class, dude," Clyde agreed.
"What's in it for me then?" Kenny growled. "As usual; nothing. You guys make me do stuff for you lot all the time and then I get killed in the process."
"Just a second dude, "Stan pulled all the other boys together in a circle and they spoke low to each other for a few moments.
Kenny sat fuming. It wasn't that he was afraid of Cartman but he was pissed off that everyone thought he was just some sex crazed perv. You have thought that he treated women as mere objects if you looked at the posters on the wall and the porn under his bed. On the contrary, Kenny was a perfect gentleman when he was with a girl. And strangely that was why he was so successful.
Growing up he had experienced his Mom and Dad screaming and kicking the shit out of each other. Disgusted by such behaviour, Kenny treated each of his girls as princesses, pulling out their chairs and holding doors open. He did not have much money but he always tried to buy them flowers. None of the girls at Middle Park High were used to such special treatment and aglow with happiness it would not take them long to be kissing the hell out of Kenny McCormick. He quickly caught on that good manners had girls dropping their knickers quicker than you could say "David Hasselhoff."
It also helped that Kenny was quite a good lover. Years of watching porn had taught Kenny many things about the female anatomy and many girls boasted they had only achieved orgasm under the talented hands of Mr McCormick. This pissed off many guys at the High School, feeling threatened by Kenny's mere existence. But Kenny could never keep a girlfriend as he felt that he was too young to be in a long term relationship. Consequently, Kenny became more of a gigolo figure, helping girls out at exam time if they needed to relieve stress and an enjoyable rebound after a break-up.
After some length, the group of boys turned back to face Kenny.
"We'll give you $500 to find out whether or not Cartman's Mom still has a dick," Stan told his friend.
Kenny thought about it for a moment. Five hundred dollars was a lot of money, money that Kenny could really do with. But it also meant going behind his best friend's back and trying to get intimate with his mother.
Because you could not simply slip into a conversation, "Oh Mrs Cartman, can I see your crotch to see what type of genitalia you have? And if it's not too much trouble, can I take a picture too?"
"I don't know, you guys. Eric is my best friend."
"Come on Kenny," Craig spat at him, "How good a friend can Cartman be? He's a douche bag."
It was common knowledge that Craig and Cartman despised each other. Not as much as Kyle and Cartman hated each other, but Craig was so similar to Cartman that the two could not stand each other. Craig was arrogant, rude and offended everyone by flipping them off. Cartman did not flip people off but he was calculating and vicious in ways that even Craig could not compete.
"Tell you what Kenny," Craig opened up his wallet, "I'll give you a hundred bucks right now if you can screw Cartman's Mom before Junior Prom."
Everyone in the group gasped.
"Dude! You can't ask him to do that!" Stan stood up, his expression horrified.
"Omigod! That's like too much pressure!" Tweek squeaked.
"How about it, Kenny?" Craig waved the money under Kenny's nose, his expression sinister. "You're the poorest person here. You need this money. I heard your Dad got fired again. How are you going to eat Kenny?"
Kenny snatched the money out of Craig's hands and counted it. One hundred bucks right there. It felt so good in his hands. He could buy his little sister a new jacket or a new pair of sneakers for his Mom. Kenny hesitated and looked up at Craig before slipping the money into his pants pocket.
"Kenny, you can't seriously be thinking about doing this?" Stan said to him. "Cartman will literally kill you so you can't come back."
"I know, but like Craig said, I need this money."
"Dude if you need money you can always borrow money from us!"
"I'd rather work for it," Kenny muttered.
"Work? As some sort of prostitute Kenny?" Stan wouldn't let it drop.
"Hey I never said I'd sleep with her," Kenny frowned. "We'll just see how things work out. If I don't score then I'll give the money back."
The bell for class rang and everyone started gathering up their things. Stan held back with Kenny and the pair walked together to their English class.
"It was nice knowing you Kenny," Stan said softly.
"Cartman won't kill me. We're best friends. I'm just going to screw his mother. Nothing to worry about."