Series Title: All Time Love
Chapter One: Drastic Measures
Author: Brokback Maniac
Whole Series Rating: NC-17
This Chapter Rating: MA
Whole Series Warnings: M/M sex, language, violence, suicide, self-harm, child abuse, murder, rape, and a whole bunch of nasty bigoted, homophobic red-necks you just want to smack, hard
This Chapter Warning: Self-harm, suicide, language
Chapter Summary: The boys have to part ways at the end of the summer. They both feel the pain and a great sense of loss. Unable to handle the pain of separation, one of them resorts to drastic measures.
Feedback: Yes please (be gentle…first full AU BBM story)
Word Count: 2,114
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They belong to Annie Proulx, I just like to play with them now and again. I make no profit from this (well durrr). All o/c belong to me! Series title is from the song "All Time Love" performed by Will Young
Authors Notes: This is an AU after the boys come down from the mountain. Everything previous to this is as it was in the film. Characters changed a little. Ennis more open to his emotions but still has his fears. Jack is pretty much the same, but doesn't handle separation well. Jack has a slightly different past to explain this. All will become clear as the story develops…that's if you like it enough for me to continue. I have mapped out about 15 chapters so far, but only got Two written so far. I may ask for ideas from time to time or ask opinions on the way the story is going or they way you want it to go…all requests considered. This story has some fairly open lines where the story can go one of many ways. Alma does feature but Lureen doesn't.Chapter 1: Drastic Measures
Signal, Wyoming. 1963
"Can't believe I left my damn shirt up there" God I feel sick. Don't wanna leave this man. Got no other choice. Got Alma to think of
"Yeah?" Jack said, knowing full well that shirt was tucked safely in his bag with his own Gotta have something to remember him by.
"You gonna do this again next summer?" he asked finally Gotta see him again. Just him and me
"Well, maybe not. Like I said, me and Alma's getting married in November. So err… I'll try to get something on a ranch I guess. And you?" Come on Jack, please don't do this. This is hard enough as it is. Please don't look at me like that. This is killin' me too.
"Alma? You're still gonna marry her?" Jack asks incredulously How can he? After all we went through?
"'Course Jack…why wouldn't I?" Oh no…please don't. Please Jack don't
"Oh…right…course" Jack says quietly Stupid of me. He don't love me like I love him…he ain't gonna leave with me
"I might go up to my daddy's place, give him a hand through the winter. I might be back, if the Army don't get me." Come on Ennis, you know if you leave now we'll never see each other again.
"Well…guess I'll see you around huh?" Why did I say that? It's not true. I'm never gonna see him again…never gonna see Jack again… oh my god…I'm really gonna puke
"Right" he said, dejectedly, looking down to the ground then back up into Ennis' golden eyes, looking for any kind of hope. None to be seen. This is it. The end. Never gonna see Ennis again…oh god…feel like I'm being ripped in half…what can I do? Nothin' I can do…it's all over.
Oh please Jack, don't look at me like that. Please don't. It hurts so bad as it is…I've gotta get out of here…it's all too much. Can't handle this.
With that thought, Ennis walks away from Jack, turning his back to the man he fell in love with on Brokeback. Never to see him again and all he thought when he did this was how much it fuckin' hurt.
Jack gets into his truck reluctantly and just sits there staring at Ennis' back as he walks away. He's doing it…he's walking away from me…I can't handle this…he's leaving me…people always leave…just like…it's hurts too much.
Jack starts his truck and as he pulls away, the tears start to silently fall, when all he wants to do is grab Ennis and hold him close to his heart forever. He passes Ennis on the road then looks back in the truck side mirror, watching his cowboy walking slowly, shoulders slumped, head down, getting smaller and smaller as he drives away. The tears fall faster and faster. It feels so wrong to drive away from him…we should be together…we belong together but he doesn't stop driving and the tears don't stop falling. As he rounds the corner he can no longer see Ennis and he has to pull the truck over. He jumps out and pukes at the side of the road. This is wrong…so wrong…I can't handle this. It hurts so bad…feel like my heart is being ripped to pieces. Oh fuck…I love him so much…so much pain…I can't stand it…I'll never see him again. The tears fall hard and he sobs, head in his hands, kneeling in the dirt, not caring who sees him. After a few minutes he sits on the ground, back against his truck, wracking sobs, face tear stained, eyes burning, chest heaving, body shaking, head swimming, heart aching. Never see Ennis again….how can I live my life without that man?... I don't know if I can…I love him…love him so fuckin' much….what do I do now? I can't live without him…
He doesn't know how long he is sitting there but when he hear the distant sound of a train he realises that the sun is starting to set. The sound of the train reminds him of the day he met his cowboy and the pain become unbearable. He punches himself round the face but the pain remains, so he does it again harder, and again and again. No relief and tears flow, unstoppable, uncontrollable. He feels like he is drowning in despair with no way out. Then he thinks of a way. The only way to stop it all. He slowly stands and starts to walk towards the track and all he can think is how much he loves Ennis and how much that love being taken from him is killing him inside. I love you cowboy…more than you will ever know. But I can never have you…I…I wish I was strong…like you…but I just can't be…I love you Ennis He cries loudly and shamelessly. Gut wrenching sobs and feels like screaming his pain out for the whole world to hear. With that he starts to sway a little, the train is nearly there, he closes his eyes, thinks of his cowboy then says loudly for everyone to hear. He doesn't care. He wants to world to know.
"I love you Ennis!" and steps onto the track
As Ennis turns his back on Jack and starts to walk away, he feels so heavy, like the whole world has been dumped on his back. He has to walk slowly or he may just collapse in the middle of the road. His head is swimming. He can't think. All he can do is feel the pain and keep walking. He hears Jack's truck start and that sound cuts through him. He closes his eyes, tries to block out all the images and sounds from the summer. The truck gets closer then passes. He can't look…it's too much Oh god…he's really going…this don't feel right…I…I…love him…he's gone…never felt this bad my whole life…I'm gonna fuckin' puke…
Ennis ducks into an alley, throwing down his bag and collapses on the ground and pukes, hiding his face with his hat. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I can't believe I let him go like that…what the fuck have I done? Ennis is so angry he punches the wall over and over until his knuckles bleed, but doesn't even register any pain. Anger for his weakness, anger for his loss, anger for his cowardness, just plain anger.Then suddenly the anger is gone and he is left with nothing but misery and loneliness. He feels the tears start and tries to stop them Don't you fuckin' cry…like a fuckin' girl…be strong…be a man for fucks sake. But these words do nothing. His heart knows what his mind is trying to deny…he just walked away from the love of his life…never to see him again. His heart knows and mourns it's loss. The tears start slowly then faster and faster until Ennis is sobbing, his chest heaving. He slumps downwards, resting his head on the wall, dejected and heart broken.
He sits there for a few minutes, trying to calm his breathing. He knows he has to move but can't get his legs to listen. So he just sits, waiting. Not sure what he is waiting for but he just has to take a minute.
Slowly he stands. He picks up his bag, slings it over his shoulder and walks out onto the road. He keeps walking, doesn't even know where he is going, just knows he has to keep moving. If he stops, he may never move again. The pain inside was killing him. He knew it…couldn't deny it. But couldn't change it. Jack was gone. Gone for good. Christ…stop thinkin' on 'im. Get a grip Del Mar…be a fuckin' man…got a nice li'l girl waitin' on ya…got a future with her waitin' on ya…future…without Jack…with that sun-bright smile, those blue eyes you could drown in, that quick laugh that makes you feel alive…FUCKIN' STOP IT ENNIS!
As he thinks that, he straightens his back some, forcing himself to be strong and keeps walking. Doesn't know how long he has been walking, but when he hears the distant rumble of the train, he realises the sun is starting to set. The sound of the train reminds him of that day when he first met his Rodeo…stops that line of thought with great difficulty. Then another sound forces his eyes from the road. The sound of crying. Gut wrenching crying. He sees a black truck by the side of the road and a lone figure slowly walking towards the train tracks. He'd know that figure anywhere…Jack.
Ennis' heart is nearly exploding out his chest. His mind refuses to believe what his eyes are showing him.
What the fuck is Jack doing?
Then he hears the train getting closer and Jack isn't moving away, in fact he is walking closer.
Ennis drops his bag and starts to run towards Jack, the train getting closer and closer. He runs so fast his legs are burning, his heart racing, his mind in a whirl. All he can think is that he has to get to Jack. Has to stop him.
As he gets close he hears the train, he hears his own heart beating madly but the thing he hears clearest of all;
"I love you Ennis!"
He desperately lunges as Jack to pull him to safety as the train passes, but the edge of the train catches Jack on his right side and he spins round like a top and falls onto Ennis, who collapses under the sudden dead weight of Jack. The world goes black for a few moments then Ennis come back and is greeted by the sent of mountains, of grass, of summer, of Jack.
All Ennis can hear is his own blood rushing through his ears and his frantic breathing. His mind is fuzzy, not really sure what happened and his head hurts from the sharp contact with the ground.
He clutches at Jack, then realises he isn't moving. He gently shakes Jacks shoulders…nothing
OH FUCK….NO…NO…NO…JACK…PLEASE GOD NO…
"Jack? Jack? JACK?"
He slowly get out from under him and as he kneels by his side he turns Jack over onto his back and looks at him and the tears flow. Unstoppable.
Jack has blood all over his face, eyes closed, pale. He isn't moving. Ennis runs his hand down Jack's cheek, hand shaking.
"Jack? JACK! Jack please wake up Li'l darlin'. Please…"
Ennis stared at Jack, tears rolling down his cheeks. This had to be a dream. It has to be. He willed himself to wake up. Ennis slams his hand into the ground.
"Come on wake up, …please. All you gotta do is open your eyes." He shakes Jack again.
OH GOD…JACK PLEASE NO…HE CAN'T BE…NO…THIS IS ALL MY FAULT…I SHOULDN'T HAVE WALKED AWAY FROM HIM…OH FUCK JACK…I LOVE YOU…PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD…PLEASE…I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
He gently takes Jack in his arms and holds him in his lap and start to hum slightly, tears flowing, hands shaking, heart breaking. Jack is limp and lifeless in his arms.
He's gone…no…no…please no…my darlin' Jack, my beautiful Jack, my Rodeo, Gone.
Then a sound jerks him out of his thoughts. Jack moaning
OH THANK GOD…HE'S ALIVE
Ennis starts to wipe the blood from Jack's face with his sleeve. Jack moaned at Ennis's touch and Ennis yanked his hand away. Jack starts coughing and coughing, so Ennis rolled him onto his side and watched Jack spit up blood. Ennis waited until Jack had finished, wiped the blood from Jack's mouth and gently rubbed Jack's belly. Jack let out a sharp cry of pain. Ennis pulled his hand away, turned his face and puked.
"Ennis?" A small voice, croaky, broken makes Ennis turn. The relief he feels at hearing that voice makes him dizzy
"Yeah Jack…it's me" he smiles down at Jack, tears still falling, eyes warm, heart full to bursting
"Am I dead?" he looked towards Ennis and opened his eyes. Ennis choked down a sob of joy at seeing that blue again. Ain't never seen blue like that…might've never seen it again…but he's alive…I got another chance…gotta make it right…gotta make the right decision
"Nah, you ain't dead Jack" eyes still streaming, hand shaking. He runs his knuckles down Jacks cheek then cups his face smiling warmly down at him.
I nearly lost him…Jack nearly died…he tried to kill himself…because I walked away…he loves me…I heard him say so…HE LOVES ME…I cain't let him go again…I cain't walk away…don't care how…I will never leave this man again….I love him…
"I love you too Jack" Ennis says quietly and slowly bends down and kiss Jack softly on the lips. "love you so fuckin' much"
To Be Continued…