Hurrah for Valium

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and GAY! And I pity, any girl who isn't me, today!"

Kyo stared, in utter and complete shock. Yuki did the same. Actually, Yuki stared with a combination of shock, disgust and rage. He knew who had to be behind this.

The guilty parties sat on the nearby couch, watching the show with amazement. Shigure had the decency to look at least a little concerned. Ayame just grinned.

The dancing man suddenly lurched forward with a startled meeping noise. He seemed to have attempted to dance right through the coffee table. He fell flat on his face, his arms still by his side. At first the two standing in the doorway had thought the fall had knocked him out of whatever strange hallucinatory trance he had been caught in. He stared at them with an abnormally wide eye, blinking several times as if trying to figure out how the two of them had gotten there.

All at once, he burst into a fit of hysterical laughter, completely dashing all their fleeting hopes of sanity.

Still giggling, he sat up. Holding onto his ankles, he rocked from side to side, pouting outrageously.

"Kyyyoooonnnnn… Yuuuukkiiiiii…… Shii-chan and Aya-chan drugged me!"

Both orange and purple eyes where suddenly locked on the two conspirators sitting side by side on the couch. Ayame quickly stifled his giggles, recognizing that some manner of explanation was expected.

"We were just trying to cheer him up." Ayame crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to be the least bit apologetic. "We didn't think he'd…" The snake guestured to the figure on the floor, who had rocked a little too far to the left and fallen over again, giggling madly.

His brother shot him one of his infamous death-glares.

"You had better hope this isn't permanent.

"I don't know." Shigure commented, smirking. "I find it rather entertaining.

Before Yuki could formulate an intelligent response to that, the black-and-white cannonball that Hatori had become shot up and tackled him.

"HURRAH FOR VALIUM!"

THE DAY BEFORE…

"Come on, Hatori…" Aya purred, running his slender fingers down the other man's back. "You haven't done it since Kana."

Hatori grunted and shrugged the other away, concentrating on the mess of paper laid out before him.

"Just because I haven't done it with you doesn't mean I haven't done it."

Aya chuckled, drapping himself over Hatori's back.

"It's hardly sex if I'm not involved." He blew softly on the back of his neck, thoroughly enjoying the shudder passing through the man beneath him.

"Please, Ayame. I'm trying to work." Hatori literally swatted the other man away, never looking up from his precious documents.

"Fine." Ayame huffed. "I'll just go find Gure-san."

"You do that." Tori muttered.

Ayame glared at him and stalked out.

He didn't have to look far for the dog. Shigure was still scrambling out of the way of the door when Ayame came through it. Standing up and brushing himself off, the third Mabudatchi glanced at the door, looking concerned.

"Wow. Tori-kun was even more… well, he was worse than usual."

"He hit me." Aya sniffed, rubbing his cheek. "I hope this doesn't bruise."

Shigure frowned, looking back at the door.

"Something must be done, Aya. Something must be done."

Shigure rifled through the various bottles, tossing them aside when they proved to be little more than cough medicine or Quinine. The medicine cabinet, which had once been in perfect alphabetical order, was now in total disarray. It was impossible to find anything at all, especially since Shigure didn't actually know what he was looking for.

Ayame shifted from one foot to the other, scratching at the thick layer of black paint covering his face.

"Gure-san…" He hissed. "Why do we have to wear this paint, anyway? It's itchy, and it's totally ruining my complexion."

Shigure sighed. He'd explained this twice already.

"Aya, we don't want to get seen. If we get caught in the Sohma clinic, how are we going to explain ourselves to Akito?"

"I know." Aya frowned, making the paint crack further. "That's why I made us these fashionable Ninja costumes."

Shigure paused, tossing aside a bottle of something-or-another.

"Aya, you know how white things glow in the dark?"

Long pause.

"Yea…"

"Well, Aya, you are white. It would look really odd to see a random floating head, now wouldn't it?"

"I guess it would." Aya sighed, picking up a pen and fiddling with it. "How much longer, Gure-san?"

"I have no idea." Shigure pushed aside several rows of some sort of plague vaccine. "Ooh. Heh heh heh…" Shigure held up a bottle full of little blue pills. "These might be useful, eh Aya?"

Ayame giggled.

"That would certainly cheer Tori up."

"It would also be slightly hazardous to our health. I think I'm going to save them for a later date." He slipped them into his pocket, moving on to the next row of pills.

He picked up another bottle. It was innocent enough. Translucent orange, just like the rest of the bottles. The pills inside where white, and greatly resembled advil.

"Hmm… Valium, eh? Never heard of it."

Reading the label, Shigure grinned. He'd have to give some of this stuff to Maru-chan.

"Hey, Aya? I think we can- Aya, put that down! No sharp objects for you!" Shigure ordered, putting a hand on his hip.

"Aw… Byebye, Mr. Scalpel."

The door closed quietly behind them.

THAT MORNING…

"What do you want, Shigure?" Hatori groaned, absentmindedly running his hand through his long black hair.

"To cheer you up, of course." Shigure grinned, passing him his tea. He made absolutely sure that Hatori got the right one.

Exactly on cue, Ayame's voice drifted in from the kitchen.

"Gure-san, how do you work your microwave?"

Shigure didn't have to work hard at feigning panic. He jumped to his feet and made his way to the door.

"Aya, we don't have a microwave."

"Then what's this box thing?" Aya asked, trying desperately not to laugh.

"That's a toaster." He sighed, shot an exasperated glance at Tori, and disappeared through the door.

The two men instantly pressed themselves against the wall, listening hard for any sign that their little trick was working.

"Hey… Shigure, maybe we should have used one or two pills. That would probably have been good, right?"

"We couldn't have known for sure. Besides, the dosage on the bottle is for normal people, not Jyuunshi. We had to up the dose to compensate for the Zodiac curse." Shigure whispered back, grinning at the sound of china clinking.

"Still… Half the bottle seems like a bit much."

"Hatori is a very sad man, Aya. He needs a lot of love."

In the other room, Tori began to cough.

"I told you half the bottle was too much!" Aya squeaked, falling over from the sudden weight of the giggling Hatori.

"Not so!" Shigure grinned, helping Aya pull Hatori back into a sitting position. "We wanted to cheer Hatori up, and now he's downright jolly!"

Hatori thrust his fists straight up, clipping Aya in the shoulder.

"JOLLY GOOD!"

Tori degenerated back into mindless giggling and fell forward, his head hitting the table with a thunk.

"TOO MUCH!" Aya pouted, rubbing his shoulder. "Too much, Shigure!"

"What did you guys give me?" Hatori asked, sitting up and wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.

"Valium." Shigure answered, grinning widely.

"Valium. Valimum. Valimnium. Very good! How much, how much, how much? How much Valimim. Lavimum. Gah." Hatori started laughing again. It was actually rather disconcerting.

"Half the bottle." Shigure put his arm around the dragon's shoulder to stop him from falling forward again.

"HALF THE BOTTLE!" Hatori bellowed, jumping to his feet. "CALL THE DOCTOR! Oh wait… I AM the doctor!" He bent in half, laughing till his face went red. He suddenly straightened, pumping both fists in the air.

"HORRAH FOR VALIUM."

The doctor promptly launched into a terribly off-key rendition of every show-tune he had ever heard in his life.

Shortly afterwards, the door swung open and revealed two very confused young men.

TWO HOURS LATER.

"Every night in my dreams, I see you, I hear you! That is how I know you go on! Doo doo dooo doo doo doo!" Hatori stood at the top of the stairs, his arms spread eagle. He burst into another fit of hysterical laughter.

"How long has he…?" Kureno glanced at Yuki, obviously concerned.

"Two hours." Kyo groaned from his spot under the livingroom table. "We have had the pleasure of listening to every showtune known to man, in English and Japanese."

"Oh my." Kureno winced. He'd only been there ten minutes and it was beginning to get to him.

"Please help us!" Yuki pleaded. "Shigure and the Snake disappeared into Shigure's bedroom more than an hour ago! We can't make him stop!"

"Well…" The rooster sighed. "There is a sound-proof room down at the main house. My only real concern…"

"Is if this is permanent." Yuki finished his sentence, matching the sigh. "Get the car. And a straight-jacket, if you have one. And ear-plugs. Don't forget the earplugs."

"That won't be necessary." Shigure called from the top of the stairs.

Those at the bottom looked up and blinked. Tori launched himself at the other man, squealing 'Oh, Shigure!' in a voice that sounded amazingly similar to Kate Winslet. Shigure caught him, staggering just a little.

"Me and Aya started this, and we're going to finish it."

Kureno raised an eyebrow.

"And just how do you plan to do that?"

Shigure's grin was positively demonic.

"The beautiful art of exhaustion, my poultry friend." He draped his arm over Hatori's shoulder and guilded him towards the bedroom door. "Come on, Tori-kun. Aya's waiting.

"I'm king of the world!" Hatori laughed, this time sounding more than a little like Leonardo DeCaprio.

The door clicked shut behind them. Kureno quietly packed Kyo and Yuki into his car and drove off to find- and warn- Tohru.

CHAPTER ONE- COMPLETE!

Mwahahahaha… I art demonic. Next chapter- SEX! Ahahahahahaha. Done for hot-chick1's challenge. Also somewhat inspired by her story, Amazed. Don't ask me why. I don't know. Actually, I think it was because of Yuki's 'I look so pretty' comment. That put the song in my head, which reminded me of Damien running down the hall in a penguin suit singing. Which became this. Somehow. Anyway, hot-chick1, you are completely to blame. Your fault. Aren't you pleased with yourself? BTW, there will be sex. Next chapter. I promise. Four pages of it, in fact.

With love,

Aya/Jiia.