Bloody Hell, A Talking Hat!

Chapter One: Something More Mould Than Cheese

Disclaimer: Don't own either book. And if I did, I would be a damn sight richer and I would've employed someone to bring back blue smarties ;)

Dedication: Dedicated to all of you who've had exams, and especially those who have had GCSEs.

Song: Franz Ferdinand – The Dark of the Matinee

Authors Note: Came up with this idea while on holiday in France. I only found the internet café on site on the last day so I couldn't type it up.

Saturday 16th July

In my room. Never coming out again ever.




I cannot believe this.

It is beyond unbelievable.

I hate my life.


Again, OhmyGod.

Absolutely bloody typical.

The Italian Luuuurve Stallion finally says that he wants to be my boyfriend-type-person, and then literally two seconds later the Original Sex God (whose name I will not mention this side of the grave blah blah blah) gets out the car.

What right does he have to be getting out of cars when I very nearly have Masimo all to myself?

I hate him.


And what right does he have to talk to me?


Oh God it was soooo awful. He got out the car and I turned round and looked at him – phwoar! He was all tanned and gorgey looking. I am pretty sure that my mouth was wide open – that must have looked attractive. The Sex God looked at me and I was suddenly melting in his eyes (not literally, I am not made of wax).

He hugged me and then he took my hands (again, not literally, they are still attached) and then he said the fateful words:

"Georgia, I should never have gone to New Zealand, I should never have left you. I thought it was the right thing to do but I love you and I should never have gone. I'm so sorry. I love you."

I couldn't have said anything then if my life had depended on it. I just stared at him.


I hate him twice. However I like to think I handled the whole situation with sophisticosity and dignity.




I just looked at him.

Then I looked at Masimo.

Then at Robbie.

Then over to where Jas and Tom were standing.

Then I looked at Masimo and Robbie again.

And then I ran.


Mutti came barging in. She was wearing the usual teenage prostitute outfit but I didn't even notice, I was so upset.

She said: 'How was the gig, Gee? Did you have a nice time?'

I just looked at her and then, horror of horrors, I started to blub. Mutti was actually almost nice and I ended up blurting out the whole story.

Mum hugged me at the end and said to me: ''Don't worry, Gee, it will all sort itself out, I promise.' Then she hurried off downstairs.


I'm going to sleep now. I never want to wake up.

Sunday July 17th


Awake. Awake at half past eight on a Sunday. That's how bad this is. Everybody else is asleep. Even the crazy kittykats are snoozing on my bed. Oh well, I suppose I should make myself some breakfast.

In the kitchen


Yeah, right. The last time I checked, half a Dairy Milk, two cans of beer and something that was more mould than cheese did not count as breakfast.


Oh Gods, what am I going to do? Everything was fabby for about two seconds when Masimo wanted me to be his girlyfriend, but then Robbie had to come back and spoil it all.


Masimo is the Italian Stallion.


But Robbie is the Original Sex God.


If I went out with Masimo, it would really annoy Wet Lindsay.


But Robbie was my first ever real love.

8:56 and a half am

Masimo does excellent nuzzley neck thingy.


But Robbie does ear snogging.


Dave is the king of nip-libbling.



There is no room in the oven of love for him, it's full enough as it is. He can stay the hell out my brain.


I can't stand this. I'm going to church.


No, I can't bring myself to go to church, it's too boring. God will forgive me in time. He is apparently a merciful God, and I think I am about due some mercy.


Joy of joys, my 'family' are awake. Vati came bounding into the kitchen all cheerful. What right does he have to be cheerful? Then Mutti came in, wearing a terrifying nightie thingy that should quite clearly never have seen the light of day. It was all I could do to keep my two squares of Dairy Milk down.


And now Libby is here. She broke into the fridge and ate the last square of Dairy Milk and the cheese before anyone could stop her. She even ate the mould.

I said: 'Don't eat that, Bibbsy, it's not healthy.'

She looked at me and gave me a really scary smile. Her mouth was open and I could see all the mushed-up mouldy cheese. I feel ill.


Thank God, they have all buggered off somewhere in the clown car. They invited me along, but when they mentioned Uncle Eddie I politely declined.


I'm going out for a walk. I can't stand all this being in an empty house stuff.


I am never going on a walk again, it's boring and crap. Still, at least I am not at home, waiting for the phone to ring.


Still walking

I really wish I had some money for lunch. I'm starving.


Sitting on a fence near a field somewhere

Why do people go on walks? It's so pointless. Also I am still starving, but I can't bring myself to go home.


It's raining. Typical British summertime. I'm going home now.


Crikey, got home to SIX messages on the answer machine! I feel almost loved!

One from Jas: 'Gee, why did you run off like that last night?'

Masimo: 'Ciao Georgia, I am phoning to be saying that if you are still wanting to, we can be going out.'

Ro-Ro and Sven: 'Oy, missus! You missed the practice Viking wedding!'

Robbie: 'Georgia, I'm sorry if what I said last night upset you, I just wanted you to know how I feel. I'm sorry. Please call me.'

Ellen: 'Georgia, what did Masimo, I mean, what did he say… did he, you know, like, well, you know, well, um, yeah, do you like, do you know, what did he…' (I skipped to the next message at that point.)

Jas (again): "Gee, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Robbie, but Tom made me promise… I thought it would be a nice surprise for you. Are you alright? What's happening with you and Masimo? Or is it you and Robbie? Call me."


I'm not calling anyone. What would I say?


Oh God, the doorbell is ringing. I have déjà vu. Well, I'm not answering it.


I really wish I'd closed the curtains before I began ignoring the doorbell. Now I'm stuck in the kitchen so that no one can see me through the windows. I can't even go upstairs.


Doorbell still ringing. Leave me alone. It will only be Masimo to say "you are dumped", or Robbie to say "sorry, I'm going out with Lindsay instead".


Phone's ringing. Nice try. I'm not falling for that one again.


Thank God, whoever it was has gone away.

I am going to watch some nice relaxing television.


I am never watching the news again; it could rival Call-me-Arnold in depression-ness.


Being on the rack of love is really boring.

How I long for the good old days of the Cosmic Horn.

Now I am burning in the oven of love.

And being fattened up in the bakery of pain.

But at least I am not in the cake shop of aggers.


I am burning in the oven of love, being fattened up in the bakery of pain, and now I am also in the cake shop of agony, thanks to Angus and Gordy. They are obsessed with feet. I can't walk.


Found a packet of Mini Cheddars for tea. Yum yum.


Still bored.


I heard the clown car pulling up outside, so I ran into my room and pretended to be asleep.

What a life.

Or lack thereof in my case.

Authors Note: I know there was no mention of anything Hogwartsy in this chapter. That's because chapters one and two were originally one chapter, but then I realised that with double spacing between chapters it was too long, and I had to cut it in half.

Anyways… either read the next chapter or review! Or both, preferably.