Chapter Eight - Mature Like Cheddar

Disclaimer: As if I own anything remotely decent. I am nought but a poor student.

Dedication: To everyone what had exams in January. To everyone who's reading this. To everyone else who was rudely awoken by a sodding great earthquake last night.

Note: It might have been a little bit long coming. Just a little bit. There might have been school stuff getting in the way. I might've spent all of December being ill. I might've spent all of January revising. I might've spent all of February procrastinating. I might be making excuses for my own sheer laziness.

Anyways, here goes nothing...

Thursday August 25th


I am soooo happy! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the so-called family have all buggered off for the day, leaving me to get ready for my date with Robbie in peace.


I'm supposed to be there in an hour and a half. I'd better start my make-up.


My natural-look make-up is almost done. Just the merest hint of foundation, blusher, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss. I am preparing myself to put the false eyelashes on. It is a delicate art. Too little glue and they'll fall right off, which will be embarrassing. Too much glue, and… well, there's no need to go down that road again. I don't think I will ever get over the sheer humiliation of dancing half-blind to that Rolf Harris song.


What to wear? My new pencil skirt is nice, but I think I wore it last time I saw him. Maybe my black jeans, but it's about ten million degrees outside and I don't want to melt.

Oh God, I've got to leave in half an hour and at this rate I'll be going in my nuddy-pants.


Right, that's it. I am wearing my purple top and my shorty shorts and that is that. Fineto.


Do the shorts look better with my blue top?


Maybe I shouldn't wear the shorts at all. Robbie is, after all, a bloke. A muchos gorgey and sexy one, with added phwoooaaar, but he is still a bloke. He probably can't remember me wearing the skirt.

2:31 and a half pm

Is it really worth the risk, though?


The phone is ringing, thank God. It saves me from any more decisions about what to wear.




'Oh God.'

'No, it's Rosie. Party at mine next week. Bring Robbie.'

I could hear Sven in the background, making parrot noises.

'What's the theme?'

'Magic. Go as what you want. Me and Sven are going as fairies.'

'Does that mean Sven will be wearing tights?'


I hung up. There is nothing natural about an eight-foot Swedish lunatic wearing tights.


Leaving for Robbie's. Angus was sitting on the wall. He patted me on the head as I went past. Bless him. He is my only real friend in this house. I'm really going to miss him when I go to Hogwarts.

I stroked his head and said to him, 'Angus, I am really going to miss you next year.'

Then he savagely attacked my hand and I slightly changed my mind. A year of peace and quiet awaits!


Walking up Robbie's street. I do hope that Jas-and-Tom aren't there. I don't want them cramping my style (so to speak).


I have been seeing Robbie for ages now. Well, over a week, and then there was all that time before he went off to snog marsupials. Anyway, you'd think that I'd be over the nervousness by now, but no. My hands are sweating like crazy.


Maybe there's something wrong with my hands. Maybe I have sweaty hand syndrome.


Who is going to want a girlfriend with really sweaty hands?

Nobody, that's who.


Shut up, brain.


Knocking on the door.


The door was opened by Jas and Tom. Excellent.

Tom said 'Robbie had to go out, but he'll be back soon. We're having a Lord of the Rings movie marathon if you want to join us.'

Oh God. A million hours of watching midgets and hairy things ponce around with swords. I'd rather eat my own eyebrows. If they think I am joining them they are sadly mistaken.


I am accidentally watching Lord of the Rings. God, it's so utterly rubbish.


I cannot believe that this is what Jas and Tom do for fun. Even sniffing voles, or whatever it is that they usually do would be better than this.


Where on middle earth is Robbie? How could he do this to me?


I'm giving Robbie five more minutes and then I'm going home.


Right, that's it. I told Jas and Tom that I was going to get a drink, although really I am going home. Home sweet home, to the psycho kittykats and mental family.

3:35 and a half pm

Robbie burst through the front door just as I was going to open it. It didn't half make me jump.

As soon as I saw him my knees went all jelloid. Every time I see him it's like I've forgotten how gorgey he is. Or maybe he just gets more gorgey with each passing minute. Who knows?

Shutup, brain.

Robbie kissed me and said, 'Sorry I'm late, Gee. Were you about to go?'

I said, 'Yes. Jas and Tom were making me watch orcs so I left before I was forced to strangle them.'

Robbie laughed and kissed me again. 'I was at band practice and it overran a bit.'

I said, 'What band?'

'The Stiff Dylans.'

Oh marv. My boyfriend and my ex-nearly-almost-boyfriend in a band together, Talking to each other. Talking about me. What if Masimo tells Robbie about all of the very very embarrassing things that have happened to me since he's been in Kiwi-a-go-go?

I think Robbie could tell what I was thinking, because he quickly followed up with, 'Yeah, Masimo's going to visit his relatives in Italy for a month, and they've got a bunch of gigs lined up, so Dom asked me to join.'

Bloody hell and also blimey. Everything has gone from merde to brilliant in the space of a nanosecond! Not only do I now have a rock 'n roll star boyfriend, but Masimo is going away and won't be back until after I've gone to Hogwarts. Everything in my life is finally coming together.

Well, almost.


Robbie and me were quite happily snogging when Jas and Tom banged on the door and asked if we wanted to go into town with them and get some dinner. I wanted to tell them to go away and leave us to snog in peace, but then my stomach remembered that it hadn't eaten anything for six hours and rumbled rather loudly. I thought my head would drop off from redness but Robbie just laughed in a nice way and said we'd go with them.


Robbie is borrowing his parents car to drive into town. It is sooo cool having a boyfriend who can drive. In fact I must remember to boast about it to Jas later. Her boyfriend can't drive.

Even if Robbie did sell his cool Mini and is now driving his parents Rover. At least it's not as completely crap as Vati's clown car. It has four wheels for a start.


In the café

I am so annoyed. We have been sitting her for nearly twenty minutes now, and I haven't seen a single person I know. I said as much to Jas, while Robbie and Tom were off getting drinks.

'It's sooo very annoying, Jas. Here I am, out in public with a Sex God and I haven't see a single person I know. What's the point of having a Sex God if there's nobody around to show off to?'

Jas said, 'Wasn't that your next-door-neighbour waiting at the bus stop?'

I said, 'Yes, but Mr Next Door doesn't really count as a person. He's more like a walking bottom.'

Jas said, 'What are you going as for Rosie's party?'

Good question.

'I haven't decided yet, although I definitely won't be going as a stuffed olive again. I still haven't got over the humiliation of the last time I did that, and it was years ago now.'

Jazzy Spazzy said, 'Tom and me are going as pirates.'

'Pirates aren't magical.'

Jas ignored me and said, 'We're going to get matching bandannas.'

I said 'Wow' in the most sarcastic way I could manage, but Jas didn't notice.


Jas said to me, 'Look, there's someone we know,' and pointed behind me.

Oh Christ, it was Nauseating P. Green with her mum and dad. Oh God, what if they wanted to talk to me? People might think we were friends. I'd have to leave the country.

I crouched down in my seat and put my hood up. Robbie and Tom, who hadn't heard Jas, both looked at me like I was mental or something. Which I probably am, but that's not the point. The point is that I really don't want to have to talk to P. Green.

Jas said, 'You're being childish, Gee. How bad can talking to P. Green possibly be?'

I said, 'What if she starts talking about her hamsters?'

Jas said, 'Good point.' And she crouched down with me and put her hood up too.

Robbie and Tom now looked as though they thought the mentalness was contagious, but that was a small price to pay to avoid talking about hamsters.


I absolutely cannot talk to the P. Greens. What if they invite me round to their house again? I might actually have to kill myself, and only a few minutes ago life was looking so good.


The P. Greens didn't see us, but they've sat at a table right next to the door. Drat and double drat. There is no way of getting out without them seeing us.

Why do they continually haunt me?

Jas said, 'We're going to have to walk past them.'

I said, 'We could just stay here all night instead, and not go near them.' But the others overruled me.


I kept my hood up as we were leaving but it was no good. Mrs P. Green noticed me straight away.

'Georgia! How lovely to see you!'

I nodded and said hello and made to walk past them but she was still talking.

'We haven't seen you in simply ages! You must come round after school one day and talk to Pamela. I know the two of you are such good friends.'

I said, 'Yes, that would be nice,' but inside I was doing a little dance because I won't be going to school next year.

Mrs P. Green was about to say something else when I had a flash of genius and whatnot.

'Well, it was lovely to see you all again, but we've got to run now. We double parked and I think I can see a traffic warden.' And I grabbed Robbie's hand and Jas's arm and quite literally ran for the door.


In Robbie's car.

Jas said, 'Blimey, that was close.'

I said, 'The sooner we get to Scotland, the better.' Which is something I never thought I'd hear myself say, but desperate times call for desperate thingies.


I got Robbie to drop me off at Jas's so that he didn't see Vati's stupid clown car or any of my embarrassing family. It is such hard work being the girlfriend of a Sex God.

Actually, it turned out to be bloody good thinking on my part. When I got home, Mr Next Door was banging on the front door and shouting swear words at nobody in particular. I think he may finally have gone completely bonkers.

I said to him, as politely as possible, 'Is there anything wrong, or are you just shouting at our door for the sheer fun of it?'

He turned and glared at me.

'Your bloody animal has just destroyed my car!'

What the heck?

I said, 'Don't be foolish, Angus can't drive.'

Mr Next Door wasn't having any of it though. Apparently he caught Angus stalking his car and now three of the tyres have burst.

I said to him, 'Angus is a wild animal. He thinks the car is a predator from the Scottish Highlands. He has bravely and valiantly defeated it.'

Mr Next Door kept raving on though. I may have to get him a glowstick.

'It's going to cost me four hundred quid to get those tyres replaced! Where am I going to find that sort of money?'

I thought about telling him to sell his bottom to medical science, but I decided not to say it out loud.

Mr Next Door was still moaning and I really couldn't be bothered to talk to him any longer. So I shouted, 'Oh, look, a deciduous piece of foliage!' and while he was distracted I legged it inside.


Mutti and Vati were hiding in the kitchen. They said they were just in there to make a cup of tea, but they were quite obviously hiding from Mr Next Door.

Vati said, 'Georgia, we're going to have to do something about Angus. He's becoming a complete menace.'

I said, 'Angus has always been a complete menace and it's never been a problem before.'

Vati said, 'We can't have him harassing the neighbours. I'm sorry, but if he keeps it up we're going to have to get rid of him.'


Get rid of Angus? It will be a cold day in hell before I let that happen.

Vati was trying (and failing) to be all reasonable. 'Look, Georgia, it's not fair on the neighbours.'

I said to him, 'If you get rid of Angus I will never forgive you. You will no longer be my Vati. You will be beyond dead to me. Can't we just make Mr Next Door leave instead?'

But Mutti and Vati just did that grown-up tutting thing that is so very crap.


After much begging and pleading on my part, Vati has agreed to not get rid of Angus. Result!


I walked into my room to find Angus and Gordy curled up on my bed. Angus had a piece of rubber in his mouth that probably came from Mr Next Door's tyres. Ah well.

I said to him, 'Angus, you are on your very lastest warning. If you upset the rents again they are going to disown you. And that will mean no more kittykat treats and you will have to catch your own dinner.'

Not that that would be such a problem for Angus. I find something dead in my room at least twice a week.

I could tell that Angus understood everything I said because he was looking me right in the eye. I tried to pat him on the head but he swiped at my hand, and I left him alone. I've still got the scratches from last time.


Oh Jesus Christ and also God. There is a dead mouse in the bath. That is the most disgusting thing I have seen in at least a week.

Mutti and Vati will go ballistic if they see it. I'd better get rid of it.


I used Mutti's eyebrow curlers and some nail scissors to lever the mouse into the toilet. Now all I have to do is flush it away, and World War Three will have been successfully prevented!


Bugger and thrice bugger. The mouse won't flush! I've tried three times now and it keeps popping back up.


Oh Baby Jesus, this is beyond a joke. Why on earth don't mice flush?

And that is another sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say.

9:33 and a half pm

Where is the toilet brush? I need something to poke the mouse down.


Oh Goddy god, I can't find the loo brush and the mouse is still there. Floating.

I cannot believe my life.


Now that I think about it, I'm almost certain that I've seen the look brush in Libby's room.

Note to self: Do not, under any circumstances, mention anything to Robbie about flushing mice down toilets.


Right, that's it. I give up. Mutti and Vati will have to get rid of Angus, and all because this stupid mouse won't flush.


From the safety of my room I heard Libby go into the bathroom. Oh dear God, she's going to be scarred for life.


I can hear her plodding down the stairs. She's saying something. What is it?


I couldn't resist looking out of my bedroom door. Libby is in the hall now. She's got something in her hands. Oh God, please don't tell me she got the unflushable mouse out of the toilet. The rents will go completely ballisticus.

'Mummeeeeeee! Look what I found!'

'What is it, Libs?'



Mutti screamed so loudly that Vati came running in from the other end of the garden. Well, I say 'running', it was more of a highly-amusing shambolic jog.

Mutti and Vati went mental as per usual, although not as mental as they would've gone if they'd found it in the bath/toilet.

Vati said, 'That cat has GOT to go.'

I tried to reason with him. 'Angus only catches mice as a present for us, because he loves us and we are too stupid and baldy to catch our own mice.'

Vati went on, 'No, he catches mice for us because he quite clearly has a death wish.'

I was about to argue some more when Mum said, 'Why is the mouse so wet?'

I don't want blaming for this whole incident, and I certainly don't want them to find out that the mouse has been in both the bath and the toilet, so I retreated to the safety of my room.

Sunday August 28th


Angus is on his very very lastest warning. Although I honestly don't see how Mutti and Vati could ever get rid of him. He'd just come straight back and break through a window or something.

Anyways, I have more important matters to be dealing with. Like what the buggery am I going to wear to this party? It's in three days and I haven't got a clue.


Why did Rosie have to make it fancy dress? Doesn't she realise that I have enough trouble deciding what to wear at the best of times?


Right, this calls for an emergency Ace Gang meeting.

Sitting in Luigi's


The party theme has gone from 'Magic' to good old 'Fancy Dress', which makes matters slightly simpler. Although I still haven't got the faintest idea of what to wear.

Rosie and Sven are fairies. Jas and Tom are pirates. Mabs is going as a tree and Jools is going as Marilyn Manson. I asked her if she meant Marilyn Monroe but she said no. Apparently going as Marilyn Manson will be 'more of a laugh, right?'.

It's just me and Ellen who are stuck in the vat of confusiosity and indecision. And Ellen permanently lives there, so that's of no comfort to me.

Jas said, 'You could wear your Hogwarts stuff and go as a witch.'
I said, 'First of all, that idea lacks originality, and second, those robes are deeply unflattering. I don't want to give Robbie any reason to dump me for marsupials again.

Jools said, 'So Robbie's going to the party then?'

I said, 'Yes, but he has a gig with the band first, so he won't get there til about eleven.'

Mabs said to Rosie, 'Who else is going to the party?'

Rosie was about to reply when we heard someone yell, 'STREWTH AND CRIKEY, MATE!' and Dave the Laugh and all his mates turned up.

For some reason they were all wearing those weird hats with corks in. The ones that are so popular among mental people in Australia (hereafter known as Spider-a-gogo).


Dave's mate Ed has just come back from Spider-a-gogo, which explains the hats, and the fact that they are all talking in the most crap Australian accent I have ever heard.


This is the first real proper time I've seen Dave since I got back with Robbie. Luckily we are surrounded by friends and it isn't at all awkward.


Walking home with the gang. It is a million degrees outside, which I suppose is thanks to global warming.

I said to Jazzy, 'I do love this weather. It really feels like summertime. If it keeps up like this I might have to leave lights on more often.'

Jas was in one of her many, many annoying moods and said, 'Over sixty-five breeds of penguin are in danger of extinction because of climate change.'

Penguins? What have penguins got to do with anything?

I said to Jas, 'Yes, but they aren't even real birds because they can't fly. If they could fly then they could leave the south pole and live somewhere else. It's entirely their own fault.'

Jas was about to ramble on some more but I quickly interrupted.

'And anyway, when I get home I can sunbathe in the garden and I may get a tan.'

And then I went ahead to talk to Rosie and Sven before Jas could annoy me any more.


Everyone has gone their own separate ways and it's just me and Dave the Laugh left. Luckily we are such good mates that it's not at all awkward.


We've been walking along in silence for the last three minutes. And it's an awkward silence, not a good one. Why is this so rubbish? I want Dave to be my official bestest boy mate and also Horn Advisor.


I said to Dave, 'So what are you going as for Rosie's party?'

Dave said, 'Jesus.'



'Blimey.' That is really quite an hilarious idea. 'Are you going to turn water into wine?'

Dave looked at me all seriously and said, 'I can turn water into Ribena.'

I said, 'Fair enough.'

Dave said, 'So what are you going as, kittykat? A French maid? A lady of the night?'

I elbowed him in the stomach and said, 'Ha ha. Actually I haven't got a clue.'

Dave said, 'Why don't you wear your horns and go as a bison?'

I just looked at him.


Dave said, 'So how are things going with you and Robbie?'

I said, 'Beyond marv, although we only have a week left together until Christmas.'

Dave said, 'So you're happy then?'

I said, 'I get a year off from Stalag 14, a gorgey Sex God for a boyfriend and a year away from my crap family. My life is almost perfect.'

It's true. I cannot believe how brilliant my life has accidentally become. In fact, I would like to take a moment to thank God and also Jesus (the real Jesus, not Dave).


Dave and me are sitting on the wall outside my house. It is sooo nice being able to talk to him all normal again. I had forgotten what a good mate he is.

I said, 'Dave, are you still going to be my official Horn Advisor? Even now that I only have the Particular Horn for Robbie?'

Dave said, 'Kittykat, don't try to tell me you only have the Particular Horn when I saw you and Mabs looking at that waiter not half an hour ago.'

I said, 'For your information I was looking at him as a favour for Mabs, because I am such a good mate.'

Dave said, 'Of course you were. Anyways, I will always be your Horn Advisor. I have much experience with the call of the Horn. I have studied it for many years.'

I said, 'I bet you have,' and we both burst out laughing.


Me and Dave were innocently chatting when Vati leaned out of the upstairs window and started doing his usual moaning shenanigans.

'Georgia, your mother and I are going out for a bit and you need to come inside and babysit Libby.'

Oh dear Lord, am I never to be free of my family? I refuse to babysit Libby. Last time she spent the entire evening trying to give Angus a bath, which, needless to say, ended up with the bathroom flooding and Angus going absolutely ballisticus.

I said to Vati, 'I'm trying to have a conversation here, you know.'

Vati said, 'Stop being so insufferably rude and get inside.'

I was about to say something back when the most unbelievably brilliant thing happened. Vati was leaning out of the window when Angus jumped on his back and used him as a launch pad to leap onto the tree outside. And Vati was so surprised that he fell out of the window! And landed flat on his back on the bush outside!


Dave and I were laughing so much that I actually fell off the wall. In fact, I think I may have cracked some ribs. I don't care though, it was worth it.

Angus was still in the tree, looking for all the world as if nothing was wrong.


Mum came rushing out of the house yelling, 'Bob! What happened?'

I heard Vati say, 'That bloody cat has got to go,' as mum helped him up.

Mum said, 'Bob, I think you need to go to the hospital, just in case.'

Dave said to me, 'I'm off now. Nice knowing you, kittykat.' And with that he quite literally ran away, leaving me to deal with my two unreasonable parents.


Mutti got Vati into the car. Vati was being completely unreasonable and is insisting that Angus has to go. Fat chance of that. Angus has given me the biggest laugh in years.


I hate my parents. Just because Vati was stupid enough to fall out of a window, I now have to look after Libby until they get back from the hospital.


I still don't know what to wear to Rosie's party. I need something matureish, so that Robbie doesn't think I'm too young for him again. And also something sexy, so that Robbie still fancies me.


I might just have to follow Jas's advice and go as a witch. Obviously not in the Hogwarts stuff. I've got a short black skirt and a black top and boots that will do nicely.


Against my better judgement I decided to phone Dave, what with him being my official Horn Advisor.


'Hi Dave. Tis me.'

'Hello kittykat. If you're ringing for phone sex you're going to have to pay.'

'Shutup Dave. Actually I need some help.'


I told Dave that I need to look both mature and sexy.

He said, 'How mature do you want to look? Mature like cheddar?'

I said, 'Dave, I am not going as a cheese.'


I have got to be more mature than Dairylea, but not as mature as mature cheddar, because that is just boring. Dave's exact words were, 'Kittykat, you must be Babybel in fishnets.'

I hung up after that.


Libby came barging in, yelling, 'Heggo bad boy! I am the eggplant yes! Gingey read story!'

And she threw a book at my head.

Harry Potter. Oh, the irony.


I know that I should really read this book the whole way through, given what's happening to us all in less that a week, but I just can't be bothered.


Libby is bored of Harry Potter and has gone to annoy Gordy instead.


I was in the middle of watching Friends when Libby came into the living room and threw Gordy at me. She had drawn on him in lipstick and had what I suspect to be my fishnet tights wrapped around his head. To my utter surprise he was purring.


Joy of joys, my beloved parents are back from the hospital. Unfortunately they haven't thrown Vati in a loony bin.


Mutti and Vati came into the living room looking all serious. This cannot be good.

Mutti said, 'Look, Georgia, we've been thinking. Angus is going to have to go. He's becoming too much of a liability.'

I cannot believe this. Angus has always been a liability. Why is it such a problem now?

I said to them, 'If you get rid of Angus I am going to disown you as parents. I will move out and start drinking and doing drugs.'

Vati said, 'Don't be so bloody ridiculous.' But I mean every word of it.

Mum said, 'Look, we've thought it through and we've decided that the best thing to do is for Angus and Gordy to go with you to Hogwarts. After all, Angus is your cat, and if he stays here we will have to get rid of him.'

Oh no. I cannot take Angus and Gordy to Hogwarts. As much as I love them, I don't want to be known as 'the girl with the crazy cats'. I cannot stand the humiliation.

But if Angus and Gordy stay here the rents will cruelly and heartlessly throw them out. It's a tough world out there. I can't leave them all alone.

Dammit, they're going to have to come with me. And just when I thought I was leaving all the psychopaths behind.


On the phone to Jas.

'Jas, where is Hogwarts?'

'It's in Scotland.'

'Yeah, but whereabouts? Is it in the Highlands?'

'Probably. I don't think anyone knows. It's magic.'

Oh dear. Angus will go even more mental than usual in the Scottish Highlands. He was, after all, born there.

My life is over and it had barely even begun.

Wednesday August 31st


Up at the crack of dawn to get ready for the party.


Got my rollers in for extra bouncability, and I have phoned the entire Ace Gang to check what they are wearing.

Jas is a pirate, Mabs is a tree, Rosie is a fairy, Jools is Marilyn Manson and Ellen is going as a butterfly. Dave is still going as Jesus and Robbie is going as a rock n roll star because he won't have time to change after the gig.

I am actually rather excited about the party. It will be the first official time that I have been with Robbie in front of lots and lots of people who I know. Plus, Ro-Ro will make sure that no idiots like Wet Lindsay will turn up.


Angus and Gordy are making the most of their last few days of freedom by wreaking complete havoc upon Mr Next Doors poodles. I think they have realised that poodle-baiting opportunities are going to be very thin on the ground in the near future.


I have got my outfit ready for tonight. I have accidentally followed Jas's advice and am going as a witch. Although not in the Hogwarts stuff. Not only are those robes the single most unflattering thing known to mankind, but who wants to go to a party in school uniform?

Anyways, I have my black low-cut top, my short black skirt and Mutti's black leather boots, if I can sneak them out the house without her noticing. She can be so very unreasonable about me borrowing her things.


Is it too much black? I don't want people to think I've gone Goth.

Maybe I should swap the black top for my dark purple one.


But I really want to wear the black top.


I can wear my Hogwarts hat. Even though it is very crap and possibly even worse than the beret.

But it will be blatantly obvious to everyone that I am a witch, not a Goth, and I can wear the black top.


On the phone to Jas.


Jas thinks that if I 'go easy on the eyeliner' I can wear the black top without looking too Gothic. But what does she know?


Rosie thinks I should go as a Goth instead. But I don't want to. I'm not pale enough.


The phone rang. It was Robbie, calling from band rehearsal.

'Hi, Gee.'

'Hello, Robbie. How are you?'

Blimey. I'd said an entire five words to Robbie, and not one of them was complete nonsense. I was so surprised that I dropped the phone on my foot. It hurt, but at least everything's back to normal.

Band practise is going well. They're playing a new song tonight. I would almost rather go to the gig than to Rosies, but I know that Jas would kill me.

Robbie said 'I love you' just before he hung up. How romantic is that? And also slightly bizarre.

But he said he loved me! I must phone Jas immediately.


'Robbie phoned a few minutes ago and he told me he loved me!'

'That's nice.'

'Jas, I am your besty mate, You could sound a little more enthusiastic.'

'I'm trying to get my bandanna straight.'

Oh dear God. Jas's bandanna problems are apparently more important than Robbie saying he loved me. I would've fallen out with her, but everyone is meeting up at her house before we go to Rosie's.


I have applied my base layer and have painted my nails purple. Unfortunately Angus and Gordy have stolen my Hogwarts hat. I don't even want to know why.


While Mutti was making dinner (ie. putting things in the microwave) I managed to steal her black boots from the bottom of her wardrobe. The psycho kittykats saw me, but who are they going to tell?


I nearly fell down the stairs when Angus and Gordy started attacking my feet, but eventually I made it too the front door unscathed. Mutti and Vati were in the living room, so I left before Mum saw me in her boots.


Met the gang at Jas's house. Everyone looked suitably weird. Jools in particular looked rather terrifying in her Marilyn Manson outfit. Jas and Tom looked spectacularly sad in their matching bandannas. The matching bandannas that are more important than me. I have been giving Jas the cold shoulder, although she hasn't noticed yet. Typical.


Ellen is panicking over whether Dave the Laugh will be there or not.

'He, er, like, said he would be there, but, um, like, yeah, what if, like…'

I said, 'Ellen, he said that he would go, ergo he's going to be there. Possibly dressed as the son of God.'

It is really quite pathetic. I though Ellen was supposed to be getting over Dave. In fact, I may have to mention that to her.


Ellen's response was, 'Well, he's just, er, you know, he's like, um…'

Oh dear God, why did I ever ask? It's going to take ten years to get a proper response.

To pass the time I started singing 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA in my head. I don't know why.


When we got to Rosie's house Sven opened the door in green tights. There should really be a law against that sort of thing.


I said to Rosie, 'Sven's tights leave nothing to the imagination.'

She said, 'I know, isn't it marvellous?'

Sometimes I really worry about my friends. Rosie finds a twelve-foot Swedish lunatic in green tights attractive. Ellen is obsessed with Dave the Laugh. Jas is way too interested in bandannas and Jools is dressed up as Marilyn Manson.

Then I remembered that I am quite probably clinically insane and I have a nose the size of a small country. And for some reason, that reassured me.


Dave the Laugh and all his mates arrived singing 'I am the Resurrection'. It did make me laugh. Dave is in full Jesus gear. He's even got a (fake) beard, and sandals.


Dave is coming over to talk to me. I must remember not to do accidental snogging with him. I do, after all, have a boyfriend who loves me. Dave is now a thing of the past.


Dave said, 'Hello, kittykat.'

I said, 'Jesus.'

Dave said, 'How are you?'

I said, 'Marvellous, thank you. And you?'

He said, 'This is too polite, kittykat.'

I said, 'Well, you are the son of God. Surely that commands a certain respect?'

Dave said, 'I would like to think so.'

And then his false beard fell off into his drink and I nearly died of laughter.


Me and Dave have been chatting since the beard incident. It is sooo nice having him as a mate, without any risk of snogging. I could see Ellen watching us, so I thought I ought to put in a good word for her.

I must be subtle, though. Luckily, subtlety is one of my many good qualities.

'Dave, did you know that Ellen is one of the nicest people I have ever met?'

Dave looked at me funny and said, 'I'm not going to go out with her, kittykat. She's just not my type, and besides, Ed fancies her.'


Dave pointed at one of his mates, who was indeed staring at Ellen. Ellen was completely oblivious, of course.

I said, 'That is very interesting.'


Everyone has paired up and gone off snogging, leaving all the singletons and those people whose boyfriends are busy being rock stars. The only person I have left to talk to is Ellen. And all she wanted to talk about was Dave.

She was saying, 'I don't think he's, um, seeing anyone. But I don't know what else to try to make him like me.'

Blimey. An entirely coherent sentence from Ellen. I looked around and it didn't even seem like the end of the world.

I said, 'Why don't you try playing hard to get?'

She just stared at me.

I said, 'Ed over there has been watching you all night. He definitely fancies you. You could use him as a red herring-type-thing.'

Ellen said, 'Which one is Ed?'

I pointed him out to her and she said, 'He is quite good-looking.'

I said, 'Go and talk to him. Someone said he's really nice.' I had to be careful not to mention Dave, or she'd end up pining after him all night.


Ed and Ellen have been chatting to each other for the last half an hour. I have quite clearly planted the seeds of love there. Now all I need is my reward, in the form of a Sex God fresh from a gig.


Ou-est le Sex God?


Tom just told me that Robbie would be here in a couple of minutes. Excellent!

I stole Jas and we went to the loo to do a quick make-up check. And also to talk, since I hadn't seen her in forever.

I said, 'I have found Ellen a boyfriend-type-person. He is called Ed and he is apparently very nice.'

Jas said, 'Me and Tom were looking at the creatures in Ro-Ro's pond. It was fascinating. We think we saw a newt.'

I said, 'That's brilliant, Jas.' But inside I was screaming.


There was a knock on the bathroom door. Robbie and Tom were outside. Robbie looked a bit surprised to see me in there with Jas. I do hope he doesn't think I've gone lesbian. That is quite possibly the very last thing I need right now.

He looked uber-gorgey in all his gig stuff. It was very hard to resist the urge to jump on him and snog him senseless, but I remembered that we were surrounded by other people and must a


Me and Robbie went into the back garden. Robbie said he was going to look at the stars with me. I do hope it's not as geeky as it sounds. If he starts talking about supermassive black holes and champagne supernovas like we learned in physics last year, I may just have to strangle him.

Actually, I haven't got a clue what we learned in physics last year, since I was sensible enough to put my headphones in every lesson and doze off at the back of the class. As I have said before, Herr Kamyer has a very relaxing voice. I do hope we have a teacher like him at Hogwarts.


I asked Robbie about the gig and he said it went well. Everyone liked the new song. He said he'd play it for me next time I went round to his. He's going to cook a proper meal for me on Friday.

Then we snogged for a bit and got to number six. And a half.


Robbie has been pointing out all the different stars to me and telling me their names. To be honest I wasn't really listening. Those stars are a squillion miles away and probably not very important.

While we were looking at the stars Robbie said, 'I'm really going to miss you when you leave for Scotland, Gee.'

How sweet and romantic is that? It makes a nice change from home, where they are counting down the days on a calendar.

Unfortunately all my brain could think of in response was 'nuuggghhh'. Why oh why can I never say anything remotely intelligent?

Eventually I managed to say, 'You and Tom will come and visit whenever you can, right?'

Robbie said, 'Of course we will. I'm not losing you to a bunch of guys wearing skirts.'

For a brief moment I thought Robbie had gone almost as insane as I am. But then I remembered that in Och-Aye-Land skirts are considered the norm for blokes.

I really am beginning to have second thoughts about going.


We ended up lying in Rosie's garden, just looking at the stars and occasionally. I saw a shooting star, and I wished very hard that my life could always be this happy. I even said so much to Robbie, who just smiled and kissed me.

Note: I may jest about a bit, but I am honestly so surprised and shocked that so many of you have stuck with this for so long. It is really quite surreal, but in a good way. And I will try my very damnedest to make sure that you never have to wait so long for a new chapter again.

Hope you all enjoyed it.