Recognition Dawning

By: Corrie Ranae

Four years. One. Two. Three. Four. Forty-eight long months of silence. Times change, but some things do not. Some things can sneak up on you when you least expect it to happen. One day you wake up, blow half of California off the map and then lose a companion of the crusade against Hellmouth and the Apocalypse. With the loss you can't quite breathe even though you don't know why. Your heart can't understand why you will it to beat from one moment to the next. Even your brain fuzzes every time you try and work out the details that really happened. Yeah he's gone, so what, he saved us all in his last moments so that we could all get away.

But Buffy was with him, Buffy got to look into his eyes and say 'good-bye'…but I didn't. I was pilled into the bus with bleeding girls, shot principals, and nothing but fragments of a speech about filleting up the one person I would give anything to see again.

I found out later that he had fallen in order for us to live. In order for Buffy to live. There was a difference. This, for a reason I didn't understand at the time, I felt as keenly as a white-hot knife twisting in my heart. I resented the fact that Buffy was with him when he decided to play bloody-fanged-champion and save us. I didn't get to say good-bye. I never thanked him for those long nights for 'baby-sitting' me and kicking the cramp of whatever monster I so enthusiastically awoke from its hibernation. And for all the times shear dumb-luck saved me –he never laughed at me. He was my faithful shadow; and since I found out that he was suddenly gone, I felt as if I had no shadow. Sometimes, I catch myself staring at the tall curved silhouette and expect that at any moment he will step out from it and squeeze me into a vice-like hug that only Spike can give. Damn him for being so first-class.

And now, four years later. One. Two. Three. Four.

Spike shows up on our doorstep right on the edge of Oxford. Of all places in this world where he would be…Buffy's and my apartment!

The day began as a normal dreary English Halloween with a bowl of fruit and a piece of buttered toast. Buffy had decided to go into work with Giles early and would be leaving me to enjoy the day off from school alone.

"I'll be at the office 'til tea and then I'll be home. Don't go getting yourself into any trouble now Dawnie."

"Where's the fun in that? Oh alright, alright. I'll be an angel and clean the house for tonight." She smiled and hugged me while I held the door open for her.

"Oh Buffy, don't forget about the decorations."

"I won't. I'll try and pick up another pumpkin or two. See ya." She waved.

"Have a good day, Buff!" and then she pealed off from the curb and was gone.

I finished breakfast but decided that I didn't want to read the paper seeing as how it would only depress my already depressed life even more. So I rolled it up and tossed it into the waste-can and headed for the laundry room to do a load before the party tonight.

Most of the day I cleaned. First the kitchen, then the bathrooms, and then the living room. We had a great apartment considering only two people lived there. Okay okay; it was more like a house than anything else, but on the bill it always stated 'Apartment'. So therefore, it was an apartment. (I always won that argument with Buffy) So, our 'apartment' consisted of one roomy living room, a well stocked kitchen, and three bedrooms. Well, two really, if you wanted to get technical. There was a master bedroom on the first floor past the downstairs bathroom and laundry. That was Buffy's room since she had 'other people' sometimes come over. Not that I minded too much as long as I didn't have to cram for a History final or anything like that. Then we had a guest room on up the stairs and a bathroom that connected with it as well as a small walk-out porch with the flowers that Buffy had insisted on keeping. Then, up a cramped little flight of stairs was my domain. It was technically an attic, but it was pretty-darn huge for just an attic. I had decorated it as best I could for all the time I had. Mostly when I had gotten bored I whipped out my trusty paints and doodled (of one could call it that) on the bare slats for hours at a time. I had a lot of small pictures and scenes from my life. Most were from the books I read, but there was a small out of the way section that was behind an old wardrobe where I painted portraits of people I knew and loved. The first one was of mom, Buffy, and me from a picture I had of us. The next was of Tara and Willow and they were leaning on one another and smiling. I missed both of them so much. Willow was still in the states sharing a house with (of all people) Xander, Andrew, and Kennedy. When Buffy found that I wanted to go away to college in Oxford, she gave the house to those guys and now they live there and we live here. We seldom see each other, but we write often and call on special occasions if we can't make it to the airport.

Some other pictures were painted there as well. I had Xander and Ayna hugging and I had one of Giles and Buffy standing there smiling. But if you scooted the wardrobe further away from the wall you could see a lone figure staring back at you in perfect representation of my own 'Captain Peroxide'. The day the Council bought this apartment for Buffy and me, I had immediately gone in search for a place to put up a picture of the guy who had always been a hero to me. But then I thought; I had no picture of him, so everyday of that week I sketched and erased and redrew figures of him until my memory was about to explode. But finally, finally one picture was perfect. And I painted it onto the wall so that I would never forget him.

So after I cleaned the rest of the house, and it was getting close to lunch, I decided to put up some decorations that we already had just to get things going a little quicker. I had decided on a strictly enforced costume party, and my costume was going to be a surprise. But the decorations were not going to be put up by themselves; so I began to put up some festive happies. We already had three pumpkins and two were already cut with funny faces in them and ready to be lit from within. I put these out on the counter so that they would be seen when our guests started arriving at 9:00. Then I had to rope twinkle-lights up the stairs and over the door and around the windows. Good thing I always thought it was fun decorating for parties, because otherwise I would have chunked the blasted lights in the dumpster and made Buffy fish 'em out with her teeth! But finally it was finished. Now all we needed was the pumpkins Buff would bring and the sustenance that everyone would be pitching in with.

After a hard day's decorating I decided to treat myself to a long steamy bubble bath and light some candles with a glass of vino. Red wine was my favorite because of its deep fluid perfume. What better way to relax? Having a bath on the second floor was one of my favorite things to so considering it was a personal undisturbed getaway where I could wallow and get all pruny in my thoughts. I dazed off and began to let myself drift in the water as thoughts of the past rushed over me.

'NO!' I shouted. I sat up, upsetting the water viciously, and gasped my head in my hands. I opened my eyes to notice that all the bubbles had fuzzed out and now the water had turned cold and clouded. I was remembering the last time I had seen him. But I willed myself to clam and not to think about Spike striding into the Sunnydale High full of champion confidence and never striding out again. But I wouldn't let myself think about that. I quickly blew out the candles and unplugged the drain. I didn't really feel like turning on the lights, so I dried off in the dark and splashed cool water on my face. Then I heard a knock at the front door. I looked at the red digits the clock was searing from the corner of the bathroom that said 6:30pm. Oh no! Buffy was supposed to be home early afternoon! She's probably gone shopping again and has too many boxes to carry and can't get her keys out to unlock the door!

"Coming!" I yelled down the stairs. And since I didn't bring anything into the bathroom I was glad to find Buffy had left her grey robe hanging on the back of the door peg. I grabbed it and a hand towel to ring out my dripping hair as I ran to open the front door for her.

"Did you forget you keys again, or have you been shopping." I yelled as I lunged to open the locked door. I tugged on the door with one hand and squeezed my hair with another.

"Trick or treat, luv."