I do not own Ranma ½. I thought up this idea while on a spontaneous vacation to the wisc. Dells. Since I have been here for almost a month at my family's cabin, I have not had steady assess to a computer so I am unable to continue any of my other stories for the time being at least a week maybe. It just depends on if I want to scrap the work on my computer at home. Any way I was watching insomniac with Dave Attel awhile back, he was doing standup in Japan and covered a fertility festival. This will just be a small one shot.
Ranma was frustrated. Mr. Tendo and his pops had decided to send him to a festival with Akane; they had explained that it would help them overcome some of their unwillingness in admitting their feelings. Now usually that in itself was more than enough to frustrate the pigtailed martial artist, however he had managed to work out those feelings in an impromptu sparring match with the panda. Said sparring match left our heroic panda hanging upside down from the clothesline and partially shaved.
The reason behind Ranma's most recent frustrations was the fact that no matter what he tried to do with Akane he was never given the slightest chance to have any time alone with her with out various hangerons and rivals coming out of the woodwork. Currently he had Nabiki, Shampoo and Ukyo walking with him and Akane. Shampoo had come because she had heard about the festival from Nabiki and wanted a blessing, so she would have lots of little amazons securing her future among the tribe. Uchan had come because heaven forbid he go anywhere without his cute fiancée. Nabiki's answer to why she had come was the best of all, when Ranma asked her she had responded with her ,I know something you don't know smirk followed by, "I always love a good floorshow."
So Ranma strode down the street on the sidewalk because of the lack of fences to walk on, with three bickering girls and a fourth one that seemed to get off by egging them on. As Ranma led the group to where the festival was taking place, his mood started to darken from the incessant bickering from his fiancées. After what seemed to be an eternity of listening to fingernails, scratching a chalkboard Ranma turned the corner and arrived at the street that marked the entrance of the festival.
His jaw dropped in shock at the sight that greeted him. There were stalls, street vendors, costumes, everything that was common for a festival. Now Ranma knew the potential dangers of bringing any of his fiancées to a fertility festival, it would most likely involve some level of pain and violence directed at his person. That he could deal with, he even figured that the common theme would have something to do with babies or women that he could handle. Nevertheless, he knew, without a doubt, that due to the high strung ness of his fiancées that they would not handle this particular theme well at first if at all, and it would most likely involve a lot of pain and suffering for him.
Despite what many would believe Ranma on occasions does learn valuable life lessons, among that line of thought he had devised a simple set of rules when dealing with his fiancées that had been broken today. It was, 1.) Never ever, mention babies or children to any prospective mate. 2.) Never ever discuss any future plans. 3.) Never ever bring any of them to a fertility festival, unless forced to by mitigating circumstances. Then there was rule three b, added that moment, it read, never ever bring any fiancée to a fertility festival especially when the main theme is a particular part of the male anatomy and said theme is literally displayed in every size shape and form imaginable to man now there were other lessons but at the moment no others really applied, except rule 0. Which read, when in doubt in the presence of soon to be angry females run?
Unfortunately, for Ranma his brief overview of rules cost him the precious time that he had needed to escape. Turning his head in an effort to say something before every one else noticed what was adorning the street Ranma said, "Hey look over there!" while pointing behind the group.
Akane tuned her head and did not see anything worth noticing. (At this point, the readers should note that there was a vacant lot with a campfire going. In front of said campfire there was a pig upending a kettle over himself.) With the exception of Ryouga standing there naked in shock. Completely clueless to Ryougas transformation Akane Yelled, "Ranma you pervert. How dare you tell everyone to turn and stare at Ryouga when he is naked."
Akane's response had distracted everyone else (with the exception of Ranma) from attempting to get a glimpse of the full Ryouga. Fortunately, for him distance and shadows managed to hide his dignity.
Upset at the fact that they had been interrupted the two fiancées decided that it might look bad if they were caught peeking at Ryouga. Instead of ostracizing Akane, they turned their heads towards Ranma. Drawing their respective weapons they started to close in on our pig-tailed hero led by Akane.
During this time, nabiki had taken out her camera and snapped a few photos. With a sigh she thought, "I guess not even the magic of a telephoto lens is enough. Poor Ryouga, and poor me I was hoping to make some money from these pictures. Wait, other girls might not want them but Ryouga will pay me for not distributing them." After pumping her fist into the air a few times, nabiki turned her attention to the matter at hand, namely the impending doom of Ranma.
Ranma for his part was shocked at that he managed to point out Ryouga when he had no idea as to what he was pointing to when he tried to call out his distraction. Now he was surrounded by his fiancées whom had managed to pull out their weapons and were closing fast. He flinched and whimpered out, "This is going to hurt. Ranma dared to peek through his hands that were now covering his face, he watched, as fiancées loomed closer to him.
Akane, Shampoo and Ukyo had closed in and were bringing their weapons to bear. In mid swing they were stopped.
"Excuse me, ladies but you are not allowed to do that here." called out a high pitched nasally voice.
The three women so used to doing what they wanted when they wanted to, were stunned that some one had the audacity to interrupt their fun/discipline. Their eyes widened in shock as they caught sight of the person interrupting them. The man whom interrupted them was wearing dressed in a seven-foot tall costume made to resemble a specific part of the male anatomy.
Nabiki just stood there amused at the whole situation. Ranma was too busy trying to figure out when the pain would begin. Akane, Shampoo and Ukyo were just standing there in shock.
Shampoo was the first one to come out of the shocked state that the interruption combined with what interrupted them put them in. Shaking her head to clear the last of her cobwebs she asked, "Why big Johnson interrupt."
The other two girls still unable to vocalize them selves just nodded along with Shampoo's question.
The costumed man just coughed at pointed to a signs.
The signs read:
Welcome to the annual fertility festival. While here, there is no Malleting, bombori, giant spatulas or any other type of offensive weapons, especially no scapuls allowed. Any violators will be sacked. Should the sackers fail in their duty to sack the sackies then they too shall be sacked. Should those sackers fail to sack the initial sackers whom were supposed to sack the sackies then they too shall be sacked. Of course should those sackers that were supposed to sack the sackers whom should have sacked the sackers whom sacked the sackies be unable to fulfill their sacking duty then they to shall be sacked. Thank you and enjoy the festival.
p.s. free admittance with one shrubbery.
Signed the knights of Nii.
Shampoo just stared at the sign for a minute before she holstered her weapons, the other two girls just followed suite.
Nabiki deciding to take charge said, "Come on, let's get going and check this out."
Ranma now realizing that he had been saved and who had saved him said in a low whisper, "Thank you Kami."
Meanwhile at a certain dojo a panda sneezed.
Of course the fact that the panda sneezed had nothing to do with what Ranma said, it was most likely because said panda was still hanging upside down and the wind had picked up causing his freshly shaven fur to drift into his nostrils.
Not wanting to set off his freshly placated fiancées Ranma said, "That was a pretty nice guy."
Nabiki nodded and said, "Yeah he could have been a real dick about it."
The entire group preformed a massive face fault right there.
A moment later the small group started towards the entrance with the exception of Akane whom was standing still muttering about perverts and other thing s that were barely understandable to human ears. Coincidently a group of pigs wandered nearby wondering if someone was talking to them.
Nabiki sensing her sister's hesitation and darkening mood walked up to her, grabbed her arm and said, "Sis, are you going to let Ranma go in there without you."
Akane snorted and said, why should I care what that perverted baka does?"
Nabiki knowing what button to push just said, "Ok I guess I'll see you at home. Hopefully Ranma will behave himself and not flaunt all over his two other fiancées. I mean what can I do, after all I am no martial artist."
Akane rolled that thought through her head for a minute, said minute quickly turned into two. Those two minutes turned two four. Nearby crickets started to chirp, that is until they were eaten by frogs whom were in turn chased by the nearby litter of pigs whom had been searching for their hero. The pig whom could save them from the tyranny of man. Said pig at the moment was too busy to notice because he was having problems finding his tent that happened to be right behind him.
Nabiki after waving her hands in front of Akane's face a few times she turned her head away from Akane and towards Ranma and the rest of the group and said, "I think the hamsters awake but he doesn't want to run in the wheel." She then made a few gestures to Akane's head. Deciding that her sister was not broken, she just grabbed her arm and made her way over to the entrance.
A few minutes later----------
Akane had mellowed out to a degree, every now and then she would send Ranma a suspicious glare. Shampoo and Ukyo were just content walking alongside Ranma both content in their dream worlds. Ranma was getting extremely nervous; it was most likely due to the fact that he had not yet been on the receiving end of any blunt object in the past fifteen minutes. Nabiki was getting bored; she had come along because there was a fair amount of amusement that was possible in this situation. However, the three fiancées were behaving themselves and not acting up.
Deciding to spice things up Nabiki grabbed onto Ranma's arm and said, "Now Ranma I know I am not one of your fiancées, but I am a little short on money."
Ranma groaned, he could see where this was going, he just knew that it would be bad for him. With a sigh he asked, "What is it Nabiki?"
Nabiki sent Ranma a mock hurt look before continuing, "Well, since we are here I am getting a little hungry. I was wondering if you would get me a snack. Don't worry I'll take it off of your tab."
Ranma grunted in displeasure, knowing that he would soon be out of some of his hard-earned cash. Sighing he said, "Fine, I think I saw some food vendors down that way."
Nabiki shook her head and said, "Ranma I don't want regular food. I was thinking more along the lines of a candied snack."
Ranma nodded, on the road with his pops, candy was a rare treat and something that he was allowed to have on an extreme rarity so he knew all about the benefits of a candied snack and how pleasurable they could be.
Seeing Ranma nod, Nabiki said, "Follow me."
So Ranma followed Nabiki along with the rest of his group. Nabiki led them to a stall that was selling candy versions of a particular part of the male anatomy. The display had several of varying sizes in girth and length.
Nabiki smirked at the look on Ranma's face. She thought, "I bet he was looking forward to having some candy too. Now that he is here, I bet he won't even buy one for himself. He probably thinks that it wouldn't be manly. Of course, there are several men running around here with one of those hanging out of their mouth and they seem perfectly fine with it. Honestly Ranma needs to get over himself and relax." Not one to let a prime opportunity of mischief pass her by Nabiki said, "You know Ranma you should buy one for all of your fiancées as well. Perhaps even buy them one close to your size so they know what they are getting."
To this Akane snorted accompanied along with a blush, she knew what she was getting after all she had walked in on him in the furo. Walking up to the vendor she said, "I'll have one of these." pointing to a rather small one.
The vendor smiled and said, "Ah yes one Ryouga special, believe it or not young lady but this one seems to be one of my worst sellers. Because you are the first one to order one today I will give it to you at half price."
Akane was about to say thank you when she realized what the vendor called it after a blink blink accompanied by a slight blush she asked, "Did you just call it a Ryouga special?"
The vendor grinned and said, "Ah yes, see some time ago I was enjoying a public bath at one of my many bathhouses when a young man burst through my wall. After he calmed down, I offered him a free soak while we discuss his payment for wrecking the wall. He did not have much money so I reached a compromise with him. You see I tend this stall every year and I realized that I needed a greater variety than just using my own. So instead of paying him so I could make a mold and immortalize him I just got him to forgo the usual payment to make up for my ruined wall. I figured that this model would be a good seller with the tomboy market."
At this point Akane experienced several emotions, at first she was grossed out knowing that this was modeled after Ryouga, that turned to embarrassment because it was formed like Ryougas, then there was pity because it was Ryougas, then she was enraged by the fact that the shopkeeper assumed that she was a tomboy. Fortunately for the vendor Akane was interrupted from her more violent thoughts by Shampoo and Ukyo.
Shampoo and Ukyo had listened to the story and were both amused instead of laughing though they considered the fact that they had never had the opportunity to see Ranma in the buff with out him being soaked in cold water. They chorused, "Airen/Ranchan is too good/that is a great, idea."
Most people would consider this a forbidden subject to Ranma however most people do not take in Ranma's constant need (Drilled in by his father and reinforced by his curse) to prove his manliness. Ranma shrugged and pulled out his ever-handy tape measure and said, "Ok, just give me a minute." He then proceeded to measure the larger candies in an attempt to find one in his likeness.
Akane was watching wondering what Ranma was doing. She knew which one resembled Ranma and had not picked it because she did not want to think about having one like his in her mouth, she knew that the whole thing was perverted and was going to resist Ranma's attempts at turning her over to the dark side.
Finally Ranma stopped his impromptu measuring session and stared at one particular model. He blinked several times and thought, "What the… this is it, it even has the scars from that time pops tossed me into the pit before I could get dressed. How in the hell did this guy get it?" Deciding to voice his curiosity he asked, "Hey what do you call this one?"
The vendor clueless to his customers identity responded, "Oh this one, it's my best seller. I call it the Ranma Saotome Special."
Ranma was unsure of how to respond, in a way this reaffirmed his manliness because it was the shopkeeper's bestseller. However, it was still embarrassing. With his curiosity not yet settled he asked, "Umm, how did you get this?"
The vendor replied, "About two weeks ago I was dreaming, well I think I was dreaming. See I dreamt that I was at a bar in Nerima and there was this panda sitting next to me. Well I started to talk to the panda and it seemed like he understood me. I was voicing my concerns that I did not have enough variety for the festival as well as how much I was willing to pay for a few more molds. Well any way I dreamt that the panda held up a sign that said he would be right back so I waited. After about a half hour he returned with three casts they were each labeled with names. Well any way the next day I woke up at my house with three new casts , since I was missing my DVD player I figured I had been robbed but the thieves took pity upon me and left me with these casts."
By this time, Ranma had a massive sweat drop growing, deciding that he was going to finish shaving his pops fur after he pounded on him some more when he returned home he said, "UM ok, I Guess I will take four of the Ranma's."
Out of the four females present only Akane had seen what ones Ranma bought, she was still curious because they did not resemble anything like she remembered. She was also partially horrified at the thought of that being Ranma's size, but she knew different and she was going to call him on it.
Nabiki had just been standing on the sidelines holding onto her emotions because of the absurdity of the situation.
Ukyo and Shampoo were standing behind Ranma and had no line of sight to see which one he picked out.
Turning around Ranma said with a slight blush, "Here you go."
At that moment, Akane chose to challenge Ranma. In her best mocking voice she said, "Yeah right like anyone is that big. I mean come off it, that looks like some Henti anime tentacle thing. Besides I have seen you before and that is not what I saw."
Ranma would of blushed at the memory but since then he had seen better. With a shrug he said, "Well a few months ago I had a growth spurt. I guess there is nothing I can do to convince you otherwise. I mean what the big deal about it anyway?"
It is important to take notice of what is going on around Ranma. Ukyo and Shampoo had paled, Nabiki was starting to lose control of her emotions, and Akane was enraged that Ranma was calling her a lair in front of the whole world.
Without putting any thought into her actions Akane rushed forward, grabbing a hold of the front of Ranma's pants she jerked them down and said, "I'll show you to make me out to be a lair."
For the next minute three of the four women stared in shock while Ranma returned his garments into their proper public positions while holding the four candied members in his hand away from his body."
Three women started to back away.
Ukyo who was the farthest away said, "Ranma-Honey, I love you I really do but not that much, the engagement is off." She then thought, "Living the past ten years as a guy hasn't really been that bad. Besides, I could always hook up with Konotsu, yeah that's it we would be the perfect couple. He looks like a girl and I can pull of a convincing man."
Shampoo started to wail, "Nooo." repeatedly as she backed away.
Wanting to know why this was a bad thing to the Amazon Nabiki asked, "Shampoo what's wrong?"
Why sobbing at the injustice of it all Shampoo responded, "It no fair. Ranma too big to be Amazon husband."
Nabiki was puzzled and asked, "Whys that?"
Shampoo said, "Kiss of marriage law paragraph four sub-paragraph seven section two sentence three, says no male brought into tribe allowed to be more than five and a half inches." Stifling a sob she continued, "Is law to prevent civil war, four hundred years ago village was decimated because of no having rule. Amazon sisters extremely competitive when comes to husband. " Looking back and forth between Ranma and Nabiki she said, "Shampoo goes now, Kiss nullified, if lucky run into pig boy and pick fight before telling great grandmother." With that, she turned heels and ran off.
Akane whom was the closest to Ranma was still backing away with a look of horror adorning her face. Turning her attention to Nabiki she said, "There is no way I am going to marry a perverted freak like you. Congratulations sis have fun with your new fiancée." She then too followed suite and high tailed it out of there.
Not quite comprehending what was going on Ranma just stood their sputtering, Nabiki chose that moment to relieve Ranma of two of the candied objects, turning back to the vendor with thoughts of, "Well I guess I should return these while Ranma is out of it." Getting the vendors attention she said, "We won't be needing these two, I'd like to return them."
The vendor just shook his head and pointed to a sign.
There are no refunds, store credit only, persons pursuing this matter will be sacked. Should the sackers fail in their duty to sack the sackies then they too shall be sacked. Should those sackers fail to sack the initial sackers whom were supposed to sack the sackies then they too shall be sacked. Of course should those sackers that were supposed to sack the sackers whom should have sacked the sackers whom sacked the sackies be unable to fulfill their sacking duty then they to shall be sacked. Thank you and enjoy the festival.
p.s. free admittance with one shrubbery.
Signed the knights of nii.
With a contemplative shrug, Nabiki nodded and put the two extra candies into her purse. (Authors side not, it is simply amazing what some women can fit into their purses, I remember when I was young and I knew this girl that liked to carry a brick in her purse when she went to church. Of course, her reasoning for having it was that I was going to be there. Ah ouch good times) Nabiki then turned her attention to the still sputtering Ranma. Deciding to take a proactive approach, she went over to a vending machine and bought some nice cold ice water in a bottle. After taking the time to unwrap one of the candies she then opened up the water bottle and splashed Ranma. This had the effect of waking Ranma out of his vicious circle of sputtering. He was about to speak but the moment her mouth opened Nabiki thrust forward with her arm and said, "Put a cock in it Ranma."
Ranma found herself unable to respond, Nabiki was holding the offending item in her mouth and she did not want to lash out at the mercenary. After a moment, the flavor from the candy started to work its way into Ranma's senses. She was so distracted by the onslaught of flavor that she paid no attention when Nabiki started to work it around in her mouth. Seconds later Nabiki stopped her administrations and stepped back to see what Ranma would do next. Instead of spitting out the offending candy when Ranma noticed that the candy was no longer being held in her mouth her hand reached up and started to further negotiate between the object and her mouth. She was thinking, "Hey this is pretty good, it tastes just like strawberries with a mild hint of cherry."
Nabiki was partially stunned when Ranma took over for herself, she thought, "Well it is good candy; I always make sure to stop at that stall when I come to this festival. I really hope that that is all it is. Crap I just realized that I just got saddled with Ranma again. Oh, well as long at least he has one thing going for him other than martial arts. Hopefully he can use it. Of course, there has to be a way I can make some money out of this. The only thing is I don't want to share. What to do? What to do?"
By this time, a few things have happened. First Ranma had started to get further into her consumption and was giving off a rather provocative display on how to properly handle said candy. As a result of that, Ranma had accumulated a large crowd. Said crowd had several cheering males as well as an equal amount of females. The women were not looking at the redhead with scorn though most of them were busy taking what looked to be notes.
Nabiki took the crowd into account and could not miss such and opportunity. Reaching into her purse, she grabbed a few yen notes and thrust them into the hands of a nearby man whom was wearing a rather large cowboy hat. The man looked like he was going to object so Nabiki said, "Whatever I shorted you consider it payment for watching the show." That had the effect of placating the man. Turning her attention back to Ranma she placed the hat down at the redhead's feet. After doing that, Nabiki pulled out her own notepad and started to take notes. She thought, "Judging from the response from the guys and the amount of money that is being thrown into that hat that has to be one heck of a technique."
As Nabiki made her notes, that were often accompanied by a rough sketch she herd people talking behind her.
"Man she is even better than that woman who was doing the demonstrations last year."
Meanwhile walking towards a certain dojo looking for her son Nodoka Saotome had sudden overwhelming feelings of being upstaged, accompanied by the thoughts that her son was currently doing something unmanly.
Back to Ranma
By this time, Ranma had finished off the candy. She took notice of all the sticky juices covering her face and hands. Without a second thought, she used her hand to wipe her face off and then proceeded to lick her hands clean once again inspiring the crowd to further their monetary donations. Now Ranma had been to distracted by how good the candy was to even notice the crowd forming around her, however this soon ended as she finished cleaning herself off. Confused she asked, "Hey Nabiki what's going on? Are there street performers here or something?"
Nabiki just shook her head as she knelt down to collect her earnings, even though they were actually Ranma's but hey, that's just a technicality. She was about to respond to Ranma's clueless question when she heard a familiar cackle in the distance followed by, "RANMA SAOTOME, YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME. I WILL HAVE YOU FOR THE TRIBE YET."
Ranma and Nabiki's head jerked over to where they heard the yell emanate from. Ranma said to Nabiki, "That sounds like the old ghoul, I wonder what she wants?"
Nabiki who happened to be taller than Ranma-chan peered over the crowd and caught a glimpse of the old woman. She face faulted at what she saw. In the distance, cologne was hopping along on her staff carrying the biggest set of hedge clippers that she had ever seen. Quickly picking herself off the ground she said to Ranma, "If you want to keep your manhood intact we need to start running."
Ranma looked down at herself shrugged and said, "What can she do to me, it's not like I have anything she can cut off at the moment."
Nabiki grabbed the redheads hand and said, "She is balancing a kettle on her head, come on now, I am not about to sit idly by why you might lose something of value to me."
At the word kettle, Ranma paled, snatched Nabiki into her arms and took off running as if the hounds of hell were on her tail.
As they distanced themselves away from the crazed Amazon elder, they heard someone shout, "SHE HAS A WEAPON, QUICK SOMEBODY SACK HER LEST YE BE SACKED."
Some one else shouted, "WHERE ON EARTH DID SHE GET SOMETHING THAT BIG!"
Directly behind the aged matriarch was two rows of rabbi's shouting, "FOLLOW HER TO VICTORY, LEAVE NO MAN UNCUT. CHARGE!"
"WHERE ON EARTH DID THEY COME FROM?"
In the office of Tokyo's festival planning committee a young man sneezed and asked his secretary, "Do you think that it was a good idea for me to allow the Japanese Jewish assoc. to have their annual briss festival two blocks away from the fertility festival?"
Dora replied, "Of course not. What's the worse that could happen?"
--------------- Meanwhile back at the festival --------
Forty men in giant rubber costumes that resembled ones manhood had decided to counter attack. The resulting battle would be told for ages to come, unfortunately not by me.
----------- Cologne -------------
Cologne stopped at an intersection; she looked right and saw no sign of her would be son-in-law. When she looked left, she took more notice to her surroundings. Directly beside her was a duck wearing glasses. Looking beneath the duck she saw a scale platform, turning her head to see where she was standing she let out a string of mandarin curses. Turning her attention to Mousse, she asked, "Why?"
The duck quacked happily and held out a pre made sign that read /I wanted to help/
Unfortunately, for Cologne people had taken notice of the scale readings.
"SHE'S A WITCH, BURN HER!"
---------------- With Ranma and Nabiki ---------------
Ranma leapt through the window and quickly closed it and locked it after depositing Nabiki on her bed. For the next several minutes, the only thing that people could hear was the sound of furniture being moved around in Nabiki's room.
After Ranma finished with securing the room Nabiki asked, "So what now?"
Ranma just shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I don't know, but I ain't leaving this room for along time."
After a few moments of silence, Nabiki began to let her mind wander. Looking down at her purse then at Ranma, she had some inspiration. Giving her most evil look she could manage she asked, "Hey Ranma, want some candy?"
------ The end -----------
Notes: I am sorry if anyone is offended by this. I was in no way shape or form intending to insult anyone's culture. I hold the Japanese and Jewish cultures with the utmost respect. The festival described in this fic is real, after I saw it on comedy central I saw it featured on the discovery channel or E I am not sure to which it was. My apologies if you find this offensive, it is not meant to be. This story was just the result of me spending too much time in the sun to where I got real red on my neck and went over to my sister's place in wisc. to recover.