Author's Note: This is an odd little bit of inspiration that came to me for no particular reason one night, begging me to jot it down. All too often these things don't turn out half as well on paper as they were in your head, but this one seems to have worked out reasonably well. Anyway, it was inspired in part by "The Marking" by Fenikkusuken (more in theme than in execution…), and also by various discussions on various message boards; and of course, like any good parody, by countless fanfics I have read.
Just a heads up, this piece tends toward the "sicker side" of my sense of humor. Probably around the same area that generated "The Limit," if you've ever read that (which I still find hilarious, btw… --grin--). And again, let me stress that this is parody…
Disclaimer: I rarely remember these. Hope I don't get sued. Anyway, I don't own Inuyasha. Blah.
A Few Minor Details…
Their eyes locked, each of them searching the other's gaze for signs of doubt, wondering if they truly were thinking the same thing. Neither could be certain which one moved first, but before either of them knew what was happening they were in each other's arms, locked in a heated embrace.
This was truly heaven. To be here in Inuyasha's arms at long last, to feel his lips against hers as they tangled hungrily with one another, their mutual passion obliterating all common sense—it was more than she had ever dared hope for, and everything she had ever dreamed it would be. She reveled in the sensation of his calloused hands against her skin as they slid up underneath the hem of her shirt, exploring the curves of her body. Fumbling with the ties of his haori, she managed to push his shirts down over his shoulders, letting her fingers caress the heated skin beneath.
"Inuyasha," she moaned into his mouth.
"Kagome…oh god, Kagome…" he mumbled in return, trailing kisses down her neck.
Within moments they were on the ground, Kagome lying on her back in the grass, and Inuyasha hovering over her, their bodies pressed flush against one another. She let him slide her shirt up and off over her head, affording him a whole new plane of flesh to investigate with his mouth.
But when she felt the evidence of his desire against her thigh and went to undo the ties of his hakama, Inuyasha paused, catching her by the wrist. She looked into his eyes questioningly.
"Kagome," he said seriously, "before we…go any further, there are a few things I have to tell you about…about the mating habits of my species."
She quirked her head to the side, slightly puzzled, but giving a small nod she murmured an "Okay…"
Inuyasha shifted to the side, propping himself up on his elbow so that he could still see her face. "Well, you see…when we…when we mate, I'll have to…mark you."
"Mark me?" she repeated with some hesitation. "What exactly does that mean?"
"It means I have to…bite you. But not hard. Just hard enough so that there are teeth marks."
"Oh – well that's not so bad," she said, somewhat relieved.
"And a little blood."
"Um…okay, well, a little blood should be alright."
"And it has to leave a scar."
Her eyes widened. She swallowed. "Okay…well…um…okay. I think I can do that. Where exactly?"
"Your neck. Right over your jugular."
He nodded earnestly, unaware of her trepidation. "Yeah. But don't worry, I'll lap up the blood and staunch the bleeding before you bleed to death. You'll be a little light-headed for a couple of days, and only certain people get nauseous from it."
Kagome blinked. Bleeding to death? Light-headed? Nauseous? Well, it all came down to one thing: Did she love him, or didn't she? Of course she did. And wasn't she willing to do anything to be with him? Of course she was. So…problem solved.
She took a deep breath. "Okay, Inuyasha. I can do that."
He smiled adoringly down at her, leaning down to kiss her gently, lovingly. But then, just as she was getting ready to resume their previous activities, he pulled back again.
"One more thing. See, because I'm a hanyou, I'm a target for other youkai, and so are the people around me. The only thing that will protect you from being kidnapped and viciously raped by demons is my scent claim on you, marking you as mine."
"But isn't that what the scar thing is for?" Kagome questioned, confised.
"Well, yes, but without the scent claim they'll think it's a fake," Inuyasha explained.
"But I've been traveling with you for months, and I haven't been raped so far," Kagome pointed out reasonably.
"That's because you're still a virgin. Once you're not a virgin anymore, the demons will smell that you have had sex, but that you are not claimed, and they will become slaves to their sexual urges and come to ravish you immediately."
She nodded, somewhat perplexed, but trying to keep up. "Okay…so how do we do the scent claim?"
"Oh that's easy," he said with a shrug, "We just have to have sex—"
"Well isn't that what we—" she began, but he cut her off.
"—four times a day," he finished.
Her jaw dropped. "Four times a day? Okay, you definitely made that up…"
"No, it's true, I swear. And we have to do it anytime you take a bath too, because that washes the scent off."
"But—but that's why I take baths you sex-starved maniac!" she exclaimed.
But when she saw the hurt in his expression, she softened and gave a sigh. "Alright Inuyasha. Four times a day."
The hanyou grinned lovingly down at her and bent to kiss her once more – but this time he pulled back before he even made it to her lips.
"Oh, I almost forgot. See, one of the things about Inu-youkai mating is that we mate for life. So once we have sex, our body chemistries will change, making us both incapable of ever loving anyone else. Just FYI."
Kagome raised her eyebrows. "Ever?"
"Yep. But you know it's actually really cool, because our life spans also become bound to one another, so it will be impossible for one of us to die and leave the other behind – if one of us dies, we both die," he said matter-of-factly.
"Uh huh…" Kagome said in a bemused tone, somewhat overwhelmed by this new bit of information. "So this is…a real commitment, isn't it…"
Unfortunately, he wasn't finished. "Well and of course, since we're spiritually bound, we can't get more than twenty feet away from each other or else we'll both get massive, crippling headaches – but I hear you get used to it. Oh Kagome…I can't wait for us to be mates…I love you so much…" he murmured, lowering himself over her once more to begin kissing her neck sensuously.
Kagome, for her part, was not exactly sure she was in the "mood" anymore at the moment. She just sort of lay there, a slightly horrorstruck expression on her face, visions of bleeding jugulars and ear-splitting headaches dancing before her eyes.
"Oh," Inuyasha said suddenly, pulling back again.
"Oh god, what else…" Kagome mumbled in alarm, though Inuyasha didn't seem to hear her.
"I told you about the turning hanyou thing, right?"
Her eyes widened. "No…" she said warily, teeth gritted.
Inuyasha slapped a hand to his forehead in self-reproach. "Silly me. Yeah, see, hanyou semen has the power to alter the genetic makeup of its recipient. It turns you into a hanyou yourself so that you'll have the necessary strength and capabilities to withstand the childbearing process."
"Mm hm. Youkai pups are pretty vicious, even when they're only part youkai. Sometimes when the labor takes too long they just rip their way right out of your abdomen – you know, like the alien in that movie your mom rented for us once, remember?"
Was her jugular already bleeding? She could swear she felt all the blood draining from her body. There was certainly none left in her face.
She swallowed thickly once more. She loved Inuyasha. She loved Inuyasha.
Vicious, hanyou children ripping their way out of her abdomen…
She loved Inuyasha. Yes. She did. She really did.
Gathering what was left of her wits, she asked with some difficulty, "Is that all…?"
Inuyasha furrowed his brow and looked up in thought. Then, finally, he gave a short nod. "Yep, I think so."
Taking another deep breath, she nodded as well. "Alright…"
"Oh! Well, and then there's the ritual sacrifice, but that's a little later," he said offhandedly, resuming his ministrations on her neck.
"Whoa, hang on," she interrupted, pushing him back again, "Ritual sacrifice?"
He shrugged, as though such a thing were as normal as apple pie. Sweeney Todd's apple pie… "'Course. When the alpha male and female mate for the first time, the youngest male in the pack is sacrificed. It's a birthright thing, something about rights of succession. Don't worry about it – we just have to put Shippo's head on a pike and display it on the roof of our hut. No big deal…"
He bent down to continue kissing her neck – but he ended up with his face in the dirt.
Looking up in confusion, he spotted Kagome a few feet away, tugging on her shirt as she speed-walked out of the clearing and into the forest.
"Kagome?" he called after her, getting to his feet to give chase, "Is there something wrong?"
"Forget it, Inuyasha, it's not gonna happen," she called back, not even so much as turning her head.
"But why?" he asked, sounding crestfallen. "I thought…I thought you and I were…"
Finally she stopped, turning back to face him. "Inuyasha, I love you, really I do – but it's just too much. I'm sorry, I can't handle it. Goodbye." And with that, she turned and disappeared into the foliage.
Inuyasha stared after her for a long moment, watching the love of his life vanish from sight and feeling as though his very life force was going with her. And then inspiration struck.
"Kagome!" he called out, running after her, "What if we sacrifice Miroku instead!"
A/N: Just as a disclaimer, since it may be possible to associate certain references with specific fics (anybody see "The Lucky Ones" in there?), this is not a condemnation of all fics that address this issue, or even all of the fics referenced here (I happen to love "The Lucky Ones," in fact) – just of the absurd lengths to which the concept is sometimes taken in general. And just so I don't get reviews asking for links to the stories that involved vicious hanyou children tearing their way out of Kagome's abdomen, I want to assure you that I did make several of these things up. To the best of my knowledge, there are no fics in existence in which Kagome and Inuyasha have Shippo's head displayed on their roof (--grin--). I even threw in references to a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode ("Attached") and a musical (Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street) for my fellow nerds…
Anyway, a large influence on this fic was the fact that, as occurred to me recently, one of the main things that bug me about the whole "mating" issue is the meticulous detail with which Inuyasha is willing and able to describe the process. He just doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who'd be anxious to openly discuss sexual rituals with a potential mate. Besides, how would he know enough about human mating rituals to know what he had to explain and what she would already understand? And apparently he would have learned all this from…Myouga?