This is what happens when fangirls round robin.
Title: Take It
Authors: desolate butterfly and (Yami) White Rain
Genre: Crack/humour, crossover fic
Pairings: NaruSasu, Tamaki/Haruhi, NaruSakuSasuKakashi, SakuraHaruhi, KaoruHikaruHaruhi
Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto or Ouran High School Host Club. Really.
Naruto punched Sasuke in the face.
It wasn't a sucker punch, but the other boy held still for it anyway, for some strange reason, his neck twisting painfully as it titled off to the side.
"You take that back!" Naruto shouted, as he straddled Sasuke's thighs and drew his fist back again.
"No," Sasuke said after the jolts of pain faded.
Naruto growled and punched him again. Sasuke didn't even try to avoid it. Frustrated that Sasuke was being more of a pain in the ass than usual, Naruto leaned over and pressed his hand against Sasuke's shoulders. Hard.
Sasuke took it silently.
He even tilted his head to the side slightly, baring his neck.
Naruto's fingernails dug into the tops of Sasuke's shoulders and not a murmur fell from Sasuke's mouth and Naruto hated it, the feeling like he was losing even though Sasuke was the one with a bruise swiftly swelling the skin of his cheek.
"Why?" he whispered, head bowing so he didn't have to look at Sasuke's calm eyes anymore. "Why do you do this? I know you don't mean that shit you said so why..."
"What makes you so sure of that?" Sasuke said softly.
Naruto lifted his head up and his eyes flickered red for a brief second and, for a moment, it looked as if he was going to punch Sasuke again.
Instead, he dug his nails into Sasuke's shoulders until he broke the skin and dragged his nails to the top of his arms. He watched as Sasuke's shirt absorbed the blood.
Sasuke bit his bottom lip, the only sign that Naruto was affecting him.
Bright lights suddenly flashed into the boys' eyes and Naruto flinched back, releasing his grip on Sasuke. Sasuke pushed the blond off entirely a second later and sat up, glaring over his shoulder at the girl with the camera crew.
"I can't believe we agreed to this," he muttered, sulking just a bit.
Naruto scowled and poked Sasuke in the ribs, and the other boy promptly smacked the hand away.
"Hey, don't be like that," Naruto whispered. "It's a mission and this Renge-person is paying us a lot of money for this."
"I don't see why," Sasuke hissed, fingering the holes in his new shirt resentfully.
Naruto scratched his head and muttered back, "Yeah well...she is a little weird, I guess."
They both looked over to the long-haired girl who was now brandishing a megaphone and gesturing wildly to a group of boys in school uniforms.
"Now," Renge said, turning back to Sasuke and Naruto, her eyes burning. "You two didn't have enough feeling."
She set her megaphone by her side and walked over to them.
"You!" She pointed at Naruto, "You can't get through to your best friend. You need to be a good seme and break through to your broken uke!"
"And you..." Renge said to Sasuke, "Well, you have the pissy, broken uke thing down! Wonderful!"
Sasuke gave Naruto a smug smile.
Naruto scowled and gave Sasuke a rude gesture with his hands.
"Only you would be proud about the fact that you're a complete and utter bitch," he growled.
Sasuke's smirk dropped from his face and his body tensed dangerously, but before he could spring up to strangle the idiot, another blond stepped into his path and grasped his hand.
"Magnificent!" Tamaki declared, tears streaming down his face. "This was what was missing from the Host Club! Such passion, such intensity, such lovely contrast in your appearances!"
Disgusted, Sasuke shrugged the other man off and walked away to lean against the wall. Money or no, this was still the most ridiculous mission he'd ever been forced to take. Including the one to rescue Reika-san's pet goldfish she'd accidentally dropped down the sink while giving it a bath.
Tamaki, undaunted by Sasuke's actions, only turned his attention to Naruto, clasping his shoulders in glee.
"One is of the dark; the other, of the light! Who will prevail in this contest of passions? IT IS A LUVU-LUVU BATTLE OF THE HEART!" he cried.
"Uh..." Naruto leaned back a bit as Tamaki's beaming face moved ever closer, sweat gathering on the back of his neck. 'What the hell is with these people, anyway?'
Suddenly, another hand fastened on Tamaki's cheek and pulled him away from Naruto, much to his relief.
"Stop sexually harassing people," the owner of the hand sighed. "If you keep scaring the newcomers, they won't come back, sempai."
Renge got between the two of them and shoved Tamaki away. She set her hands on Naruto's shoulder, her face twisted into a serious expression.
"Naruto! I just realized what this was missing. A girl!"
Naruto blinked. "What for?"
"A threesome! It will be wonderful. You, alone, can't break through to Sasuke's brokenness, but with the help of a loving girl, you'll be able to heal him!"
A snort from Sasuke made everyone turn.
"I supposed you're going to volunteer?" he sneered.
Renge frowned. "Certainly not!" she said. "I'm a fangirl, I'm a director, I'm an orchestrator."
"She's a voyeur," chorused a pair of red-haired boys, who were watching the whole scene with amusement, arms clasped loosely around each other.
Renge ignored them and tossed her hair dramatically.
"Besides which, I know the perfect girl! Haruhi-chan can--"
"AAAAAAAAH!" Tamaki's sudden scream of protest made Sasuke twitch in the direction of his kunai. The Prince of the Ouran School Host Club's eyes bulged wide and he pointed an accusing finger at Naruto. "NOT MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER! YOU WOULD ONLY BRUISE HER DELICATE AND FRAGILE SOUL WITH YOUR HEARTLESS ACTIONS. I FORBID IT."
Naruto put his hands on his hips and frowned. "What the hell are you talking about, Weirdo-san?"
Tamaki pivoted and pointed at Sasuke.
"AND YOU! DON'T THINK YOUR GOOD LOOKS AND COOL ATTITUDE WILL WORK ON MY LOVELY HARUHI."
"She's not here anyway," another voice spoke up, and Sasuke found himself having to tilt his head back to look into the eyes of the tall, dark-haired man who had, up until now, been silent.
Instantly, Tamaki was at the man's side, gripping his arm.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S NOT HERE? SHE WAS HERE FIVE SECONDS AGO."
"I think your stupidity chased her away."
The blond man froze and then seemed to crumple on the spot, crouching down on the ground to draw circles in the grass and mutter things underneath his breath.
Naruto watched all this, confused, and turned to the long-haired girl again.
"Look, I'm glad you gave us this mission and all, but the only girl we'd ever work with is this one over here. Saku--"
The space where Naruto pointed was empty. He blinked.
"Sakura? Hey, where'd she go?"
Sasuke shrugged, but stopped leaving against the wall to join Naruto in looking. If this Haruhi person was missing, and Sakura was missing, then maybe...
Sakura and Haruhi were making sweet, sweet love to one another.
Okay, they were just making out.
Oh, fine, they weren't doing anything sexy at all.
Instead, they were both relaxing in a hot tub together. Both wearing skimpy bikinis. And they were sitting across from each other, their toes touching.
Sakura pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "This was a good idea, wasn't it, Haruhi-chan?"
The other girl sighed and sunk down deeper into the steaming water, resting her shoulders on the cool tile behind her.
"Well, Kyoya-sempai said to help ourselves to the amenities," she pointed out. "And I can't think of a better time to use them than when that idiot starts plotting."
"Or when my idiots start fighting," Sakura added, adjusting the string on her bikini top. "Sometimes you just need to take a break from..."
They both put their heads back and breathed deeply, letting their legs drift up with the bubbling current and brush against each other casually.
"Although," Sakura said, giggling softly, "I have to agree with Renge-san. That scene was kind of hot."
Haruhi pursed her lips and opened one eye, looking at Sakura curiously.
"Hmm, you think so? I guess it was kind of intense but...Ah! Sakura-chan, your top is coming undone!"
"Is it?" Sakura blinked and peered over her shoulder, trying to see the ties.
"Here, let me help," Haruhi said, wading over and gently pushing Sakura's hands away so she could pull the loosened tie out and start it again.
Haruhi's fingers brushed against Sakura's shoulders gently as she fixed Sakura's strap.
Sakura found her heartbeat pick up slightly. She bowed her head and said in a high voice, "How long do you think we should stay?"
Haruhi sighed. She should have known better then to think she'd found someone sane.
However, she smiled cheerfully as she patted the newly made knot on the back of Sakura's top and said, "Well if I know Tamaki-sempai, something should explode in three...two...one..."
The door to the spa room suddenly came crashing down as the combined weight of the twins and Tamaki finally cracked the frame from its hinges.
"You owe me six hundred thousand yen for that antique oak door," said a voice from the other room, while Tamaki hastily untangled himself from the twins and zoomed over to the bath.
"Haruhi!" he cried, "You shouldn't be wearing such little clothing in front of...of...ah, hello miss."
Sakura's fist caught Tamaki squarely on the chin and he lifted a good couple feet in the air before staggering back against the rubble that had been the door. Fortunately, the twins had already moved from the position to hover over Haruhi's shoulders as she sank down under the bubbles.
"Ah, Haru-chan! I see you've chosen bathing outfit #63 from our selections!"
"Very good choice!"
"We should take pictures!"
"We should make a calendar!"
"The Summer Haruhi Collection!" they both chorused together.
Haruhi ignored the dismayed looks from the red-haired boys and groped for her towel. It was shoved under her nose by a blushing, dark-haired boy who was staring very hard at the ceiling.
"Here," he said, gruffly.
Blinking, Haruhi took it from him and wrapped it around her waist and chest. "Thank you."
A towel was quickly shoved in Sakura's direction as well, and she took it, smiling knowingly.
"Come on," he said, still refusing to look at anyone in the room. "This mission is over. We're getting Naruto and leaving."
"Not until I get my threesome!" Renge said, her eyes wide, showing fire, as she ran into the room, her crew behind her.
"Let's just get this over with," Sakura said, her face still slightly flushed.
Sasuke frowned at her. Well not at her. At the ceiling, where her breasts, covered in a wet skimpy fabric, were not perkily present.
"I can't believe you're seriously considering this," he hissed.
Sakura rolled her eyes and wrapped the towel around herself, tucking the ends into her top so it would stay put when she moved. She stepped out of the tub and poked a finger into Sasuke's chest.
"Listen you," she said, "Konoha needs the reputation and, quite frankly, you need the money. I saw the state of your refrigerator. You're just lucky Kakashi brings you food every other week."
Sasuke's eyes narrowed and suddenly snapped to look at Sakura's face. He leaned forward to argue.
"SASUKE-TEME, DID YOU FIND HER?"
Naruto came bursting through the open space where the door used to be, almost tripping over the rubble in his haste. He stopped short at the sight of Sakura in, what looked like, nothing more than a towel with Sasuke standing next to her looking annoyed.
"Just like this!" Renge said, and then she frowned and barked, "EVERYONE OUT OF THE WAY. WE'RE ROLLING NOW. HOT SEX NOW."
Sasuke wanted to die.
Sakura wanted to die.
Naruto wanted the hot sex and to die.
Haruhi groaned and buried her face in her hands, while inching slowly out of the line of the cameras.
Unfortunately, that only put her closer to Kaoru and Hikaru.
"A threesome! Sounds fun." Kaoru's arm hooked around her shoulders on one side.
"Maybe we should try it too!" Hikaru's arm hooked around her other shoulder and Haruhi found herself trapped.
"YES!" Renge shouted. "TWO THREESOMES. HOT BROTHERLY AFFECTION TAMED BY THE SOOTHING QUALITY OF WOMEN. WHAT COULD BE BETTER?"
"An orgy?" Naruto offered, and then winced as Sakura came down hard on his foot and Sasuke elbowed him harshly in the gut.
"WITH VIOLENCE!" Renge said, tears streaming down her face.
Tamaki strode forward, grabbed Haruhi's wrist and pulled her back. "My daughter won't be participating in any orgies!"
"Oh, but six is better than five," Renge pouted.
"Not for this kind of thing," Tamaki said, nearly squashing Haruhi against his chest as he talked. A dreamy look came into his eyes and soft sakura petals seemed to fill the air around him.
"Love is best when it is at its purest, between two people who cherish each other and speak whispered words of passion in each other's ears," he declared, smoothly. "Longing for the day when they could finally, finally be alone and prove their love after so long waiting..."
Over in the corner, Hunny-sempai was busy chasing the falling petals while Mori calmly swept them up with a broom.
"That's it, I'm leaving," Sasuke said, gripping Sakura's wrist and catching hold of the back of Naruto's jacket.
"No you're not," Kakashi said, appearing from behind the shadows and stepping into the light. "You must learn to deal with what you don't like, Sasuke."
Sasuke's shoulders slumped and he sulked
"Roll 'em!" Renge said and turned to Kakashi. "I want some hot teacher/student action now!"
Kakashi looked at the crazy girl with the megaphone and shivered a bit.
"Uh, on second thought," he said, putting up his hands, "let's get out of here. Before she gets me fired."
"Oh no sensei," Sasuke sneered, grabbing at Kakashi's vest before the man could run away. "Weren't you just saying how important it was to deal with things you don't like?"
"New mission!" Sakura crowed, attaching quickly to Kakashi's other side and helping Sasuke drag him to the floor. "It's time to jump Kakashi-sensei!"
"Does this mean we get to take the mask off," Naruto said, rubbing his hands together gleefully.
Sasuke smiled for the first time that day and gave his team mates a triumphant nod. Kakashi saw this and sighed, eyeing the cameras that were now focusing in on where Sakura was quickly unzipping his vest.
Why was this the only thing they had teamwork in?
But when Sasuke's hands reached for the cloth on his face, and Naruto's reached for the fastening of his pants, Kakashi only had time to save one area from being uncovered.
In one quick movement he had a hand in his grip, squeezing the wrist just a little too tightly.
Sasuke winced slightly as Kakashi grip on his wrists.
"Pan in on his eyes," Renge said. "We want the look of pain and betrayal in Sasuke's face as his beloved teacher hurts him!"
The cameras did so.
"We'll have to edit it to make his eyes shimmer," Renge said into her tape deck before turning back to team seven and the twins. "HOT ORGY NOW!"
"That one stays on," Kakashi said softly, but with a cord of steel in his voice.
Sasuke pouted but gave a slow nod and Kakashi loosened his hold a little, stroking the marks he'd left on the boy's pale skin with his thumb in a soothing motion.
Sakura paused in slipping her hands underneath Kakashi's shirt to glance nervously at his face, and Naruto did the same at his feet.
"Sensei?" she said, fingers trembling a bit on the fabric between them.
Kakashi looked at his students and focused his eyes back on Sasuke, who wasn't struggling to pull away anymore, but refused to look Kakashi in the eyes.
"Fine," he sighed, shrugging his shoulders and pulling a bit so Sasuke's heated face pressed into his shoulder. "One hot orgy, but then we're going home. And you're paying for dinner, Naruto."
As Kakashi closed his eyes (well, the visible one anyway) and pressed a hand on Sasuke's back and reached down a little further to pat at Sakura's head as she nipped his stomach playfully with her teeth, he heard the strangest sound.
Ah yes. He'd have to remember to steal that video tape later.