A/N: Hey, everyone. Happy Easter. This one's particularly dirty, so those offended by the sexual practices of some very special people should not read. What does it say about my pysche that I wrote this on Easter? Oh, I'm gonna need some therapy when I grow up.


"Angelus?"

"Yes."

"I want to ask you something."

"Ask and you shall receive."

"See, now, that's the thing. I just want to ask you. I don't want to...receive...I don't think."

"...Right."

"See I was reading that book you got me, and I'm trying to understand it."

"And I applaud you."

"But I came across this word, I wasn't sure what it meant..."

"Oh, Buffy."

"Well, whatever. I'm sexually illiterate. Make fun of me all you want after you tell me what this is."

"All right, baby doll, shoot."

"Okay...what's an enema?"

"...Oh, God."

"I think it's something to do with your ass, right?"

"Yes."

"And it, it goes in your ass?"

"Yes, yes it does."

"And that feels good?"

"Well, I mean, it does more than that."

"It hurts your ass?"

"What?"

"Well, that's what they get off on, right? The whole, like 'Ooh, I love it when you hurt me, Sir. I can't live without you causing me pain, sir!' They like that, don't they?"

"Stop watching Secretary, Buffy. It's putting ideas in your head."

"But I like it. Its fascinating."

"An enema is a medical device that some use in erotic play in order to cleanse out a person's colon."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"...Ew."

"Your intellect never ceases to astound me."

"Why is that sexy?"

"Not finding shit on your cock when you pull out? Gee, I just don't know. I personally love a little shit on my cock, but I'm an evil, undead monster, so..."

"Well, I guess it makes sense like that, but..."

"But...?"

"The way I read it...it looks like the enema itself really turns people on."

"Hmm, well I suppose you could cause someone a good deal of pain if you give them too much."

"Too much?"

"Put too much water into their asshole. Could be a might irritating. I wouldn't put it past a true sadist to enjoy that."

"Ugh."

"But the masochist probably enjoys it, too."

"Yeah, I guess."

"You know, I used to know this guy who got off on pregnant women."

"Why do I talk to you?!"

"And he would give girls massive enemas and plug 'em up so that they looked pregnant, and then walk around parties and tell people due dates and the sex of the baby and shit."

"Okay, first I saw 'Dear, God, how have I gotten myself in such a situation where I know people who know people like that' and then I say, 'What do you mean, "Plug 'em up"'?"

"Well, the water wants to come up after you put it in, so you have to force it to stay in with a butt plug or balloon or something like that."

"Okay, I'm just going to take this opportunity to thank you once and for all for never putting a plug in my butt so that you could tell all your friends I was pregnant."

"You are welcome. I don't see a lot attractive in the pregnancy look. Big doesn't appeal to me. I like teeny tiny things."

"Teeny tiny Slayers."

"As you wish."

"God, the world is such a fucked up place. There are so many freakin' fetishes. It's unbelievable."

"You get to the Adult Baby one yet?"

"No. I'm on the basic Master/slave deal."

"It's really intense. I wouldn't even go that far. They have these people dress up in dresses and bonnets and diapers, and they live their lives as babies, it's thoroughly disturbing."

"Why do people get off on that?"

"Ask them! And they shit and piss and get changed and...ugh, I can't even..."

"That's really disgusting."

"They say it's about helplessness. They want to be taken care of."

"But it's a total lack of respect. Of independence. How can adults want that?"

"Eh, people have issues."

"Ugh, I'm gonna have bad dreams about this stuff."

"Bad dreams?"

"Yeah, the helplessness? It's terrifying."

"Well, its not for everyone, but--"

"It's, like, my second worst fear. I don't like loosing control. I like to know what I'm doing, to make conscious choices about what's going on."

"Wow, are you with the wrong guy."

"Yeah, I know."

"Two total control freaks. Probably why we hate each other so much."

"Probably."

"Huh."

"God, I can't stop thinking about it. I used to have nightmares that I woke up schizophrenic."

"What?"

"I mean, it doesn't hit you until your late teens/early twenties. And my psych teacher kept telling us that. Like, the class would laugh when she was talking about how schizophrenics have delusions or whatever, and she would just be like, 'Well, laugh now, but it won't be so funny when you have to be institutionalized because you talk to dead people. None of you are out of the woods with this one, yet.' God, it scared the crap out of me."

"...Buffy..."

"Stop laughing!"

"...I can't...!"

"Angelus!"

"Just...too...funny!"

"It isn't funny! What if I have it!?"

"Then I will laugh at you at the institution."

"Oh, my God!"

"Wait! What if it's true? What if you do have it, and you don't even know it?"

"Stop it!"

"What if I'm not real? What if you're not real? What if none of this is real?"

"Angelus, I mean it, stop!"

"What if those tears in your eyes are just a delusion that you've created in order to create sympathy in your mental fantasy?"

"These tears are a reaction to you mocking me! They are real."

"Or so you think."

"This is abuse, you know. If I was a slave, I could leave you. Even a freaking sadistic/Master isn't allowed to treat people like this!"

"Treat people like what, Buffy? You're speaking nonsense again. Let's just get you back to your room."

"I hate you!"

"That's fine, dear, as long as you let me make you better."

"I'm gonna put you in a diaper while you're sleeping. See how you like being subjected to humiliation like this."

"Okay, Buffy."

"Yeah, and I'm gonna give you an enema, too! And...and I'm gonna make you look pregnant and tell everyone its a girl!"

"Whatever you say."

"I am not schizophrenic!"

"Woah, woah, woah. I've been through this, sweetie. The first step is accepting that you have a problem."

"That's alcoholism, numb nuts."

"Hey, hey. We'll work on that later."

"Oh, great, I'm an alcoholic too, now?"

"You're a big girl, Buffy, you can answer that for yourself."

"Okay, well, super, then I'm gonna go to my room, and you can leave me alone and not sleep with me seeing as I'm a mental patient, and it would be totally against your very sound morals as an attendant to take advantage of my delusions."

"...Well, see, I'm not a very good attendant."

"Hmm, you make a lot of typos?"

"I'm afraid I do."

"Well, you're gonna need to learn to change that."

"Maybe you could teach me?"

"Would you like me to?"

"Ugh, I can't do sub. I'm terrible at it."

"No, it was good."

"I didn't feel it. I'm a Dom at heart; can't change it."

"Whatever you say, Angelus."

"That's right. Whatever I say."


A/N: So, yeah, there it is. This one is entirely inspired by real life, actually, except I got all my answers from Google, not Angelus, as I have been told he is, what did they say? Oh yeah, fictional. Anywho, hope you enjoyed it!

And just so you know, I did not/do not mean to judge anyone with anything said in these things. This is simply how I feel Buffy and Angelus would approach these topics. I have a great respect for all people who have enough guts to say, "Hey, I know some people might think it's weird and out there, but it's what I like, so I don't care! Change my diaper, etc.!" More power to ya!

Also, watch Secretary. It's a fantastic S&M movie with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. I love it!